Friday, February 27, 2009

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!


Matthew Stafford: Drunk and gay.

Yes! Friday!

It's sunny, warm, and time to fiesta, right? Right? You know it is.

So first and foremost, we've kind of had a Shaq-a-palooza recently. I can't really help myself. If he was less enigmatic, we wouldn't do it. Case in point, how many times have we featured Zydrunas Ilgauskas? Exactly.


So anyways, since it's Friday, and therefore time to party, I think it's time we show what can only be described as one hell of a party where none of the guests have that good of a reason to be hanging out together. All I know is if you show up to a party and Russell Simmons is at the door, it's your lucky night.


On second thought, Garnett is a huge soccer fan. Maybe him and Beckham actually do hang out together and do silly shit like this all day.


Ok, so dodgeball is fun. Dodgeball with different-sized balls is really fun. Dodgeball with different-sized balls and different-sized people? I don't think I need to explain.


And finally, Andy Kaufman, Jerry "The King" Lawler, and David Letterman. It doesn't get much better in the realm of formulas for funny.


Let's get it, y'all. Let's get it done.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

We're men...Men in tights



Ahh yes the NFL combine, the only time you can view 20 something’s in tight spandex and not feel completely prop 8.

First thing about the Combine. It’s just a measuring stick. An insurance policy if you will. I always like to relate the combine to ACT/SAT scores, but Icehouse made a great point suggesting that the draft is essentially the college application process.

Let me explain. As a player you have a body of work. (High School…GPA) however, the pro teams still want to make sure you are legit. (ACT/SAT) That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less.

Now some people get all extreme on me. Some say OHHHHH snap he just ran a 4.3 he’s lets draft his ass. Others claim that the combine is a total overhyped waste. When in reality it’s somewhere in the middle.

I’d also just like to point out that the combine is not all about crazy ass exercises. There are interviews, (examining various things) the infamous wonderlic, and other intangibles. Those other intangibles coaches look at are: how do players compete in a drill? How do they deal with the media? Did they prepare? (personally I think this is huge)

So going back to our little college analogy. Imagine you’re Harvard, you have a bunch of kids with high GPA’s, Some participated in many extra-curricular activities (intangibles) but at the end of the day you’ll still look at that SAT score to make sure what you read on that application (film) is legit.

Now that we got that out of the way let’s examine those standardized tests. (All 40’s laser timed…which means they’re legit)

“The SAT was easy”
Pat White- How can you not love White. The guy seems like just a happy go lucky QB, who happens to be a great athlete. The evolution of White began this season, proving that could throw the ball on a consistent basis. The next step occurred during the Senior Bowl where White showed incredible accuracy under center. (a major concern for shotgun QB’s) Finally, White proved he was an athlete running a 4.55 40, and a 35 inch vertical. During the receiver/QB drills he again showcased his touch. He doesn’t have that perfect Peyton release, but you know what, neither does Romo or Warner. However, the wise Dr. Saturday made an excellent point about White. He’s not really a lights out QB, and he’s not really a lights out receiver. He’s in Football purgatory. Regardless, I’m still rooting for him.

Connor Barwin- Who’s this guy? He’s a 6’4 256 lb defensive end from Cincinnati. This past season he recorded 11 sacks and 15.5 TFL’s. This was his first year playing the position. Prior to the season Barwin played TE, but was evidently moved to the dark side because of the Natti’s spread. So the production is there, but what about them skillz? 4.66 40, A vertical jump of 40.5, and was a top performer in several other agility drills. I became of fan of Barwin when I saw him play against Tech in the Orange bowl. One of the sports cliché’s that actually exists is a motor. Mario Williams has it, Julius Peppers has it, Chris Long has it, and so does Barwin. The greatest thing about this guy is that he’s essentially a poor man’s Chris Long. Where do you want to put him? DE? Fine. OLB in either a 3-4 or a 4-3 under front? Go for it. A third TE? He’s your guy.

Ian Johnson- Ahh yes America’s favorite running back/knitter combo. Johnson stood out in what was a lackluster RB weekend. Now to be sure, Johnson’s performance last weekend may have ensured that he actually got drafted in the first place.

What? You think GRH is always big ballin. Ian Johnson said F-that noise while he was running his 4.46 40. He told you to check yourself when he ran a 4.18 pro agility run. Finally, during his 26 rep bench press he was whistling “ farmer in the dell.”

Is Ian Johnson going on the second day? Probably. Did he run a scheme at Boise that is similar to the Broncos, Colts, Falcons, and Packers, Yep. Is he really just a cooler, faster version of Mike Hart. I think so. But you know what screw it. I’m making Ian a friend of GRH. I hope he gets a nice paycheck to buy some stuff for that sweet ass wife of his.

Rhett Bomar- The prodigal son has returned. After leaving Boomer Sooner, Bomar took a giant shit on 1-AA competition while playing at Sam Houston State. Bomar has always had a good arm, and he impressed during his freshman year at OK, but still there isn’t a hell of a lot of film with him against elite competition. Now, not that these combine drills are all that important for QB’s but the one thing I look at is footwork. That is, the ability to sidestep a rusher and fire it. Bradford ran a 4.06 pro agility run which would make him the Best QB, RB, and WR. Does that translate to an NFL QB? Not really. But Bomar’s performance in the tests and throwing drills, really helped him last weekend. At the end of the day, Don’t fret for Rhett, because he always has a sweet fallback gig as a car salesman.


Brian Robiske (Honorable Mention)

“Oh I’m a terrible test taker”

Andre Smith- All tests= N/A. Yeah so Andre basically cost himself $25 mil by claiming “I’m not in shape.” And then goes AWOL on the combine. Great job, you may have dropped to the #4 tackle.

Running Backs- This year’s class wasn’t really great, but the Big three, Moreno, McCoy and Wells didn’t really impress. Don’t get me wrong these guys will be 1st/2nd round picks, and I think they will all be serviceable pro’s. However, they didn’t do anything to help/separate themselves in the combine.

“My dad’s on the board of Trustees so it’s no big deal”

Aaron Curry-My main man Mike Mayock calls Curry the safest pick in the draft, and I’d have to agree with him. Curry has everything you want in a Linebacker. Size, speed, and tackling. Curry at 6’2 254 running a 4.56 40 and busting out 25 reps on the bench has all the athletic tools. However, it’s the diversity of the guy that really gives scouts a boner. At Wake (A program I highly respect) Curry played the Sam in an under front. In other situations he was either playing the Mike or Will in the same scheme. Finally, sometimes they would set that under front to the field/bench and Curry would cover down Receivers in 11 and 10 personnel settings. I’d especially look at the 2X2 sets where curry was set to the field and acted in the same way as a nickel back. In short, Curry is the #1 linebacker and he didn’t disappoint. He can play every linebacker position in any scheme, and it really depends how teams will utilize him.

Brian Orakpo- If curry is the safest pick, Orakpo is a close second. Orakpo has the ability to play an end in a 4-3 or a OLB in a 3-4. He ran a 4.7 40 which would put him in the top ten linebacker times. I may be biased because he went to the same high school as my former roommates, however Orakpo can play, and will be a great addition to any team.

Jason Smith- By default Jason Smith became the #1 tackle during the combine. Smith (Andre) went AWOL and no one else really established themselves. Congrats, Jason. You may have earned yourself $25 mil by not sucking.

QB’s- Sanchez and Stafford did not disappoint during the combine. Meaning they didn’t F up. They both put up good numbers, and they'll both throw the ball well. That’s about it. It’s your move Detroit.

So there’s my take on the combine. Who knows what Crabtree will run at his pro-day, or if Andre Smith will develop a brain. All I know is that it’s an excuse to talk about football in February.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Caption Contest!


It's a super special fantastic NFL COMBINE edition!

Sanchez: "And I was just like WE RUN IT MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY! And Pete Carroll was like whaaaat, and I was like YEAH!"

Stafford: "Awww man dude."

Or how about this?

Stafford: "So I ordered like four or ten whoppers, it musta been this big man, and just woofed em down."

Maybe a little bit of this?

Both: "These are some super cool shirts!"

Surely you Hobbers can do better than this. Remember; Submit your captions and tell your friends. Prizes could be in the near future if you kids can get your act together.

Monday, February 23, 2009

If you like A Clockwork Orange, you’re a f*cking weirdo.

Every once in a while, the spirit of this fair experiment manifests itself to us. Normally he's pissed about something. This is an account of one of those supernatural experiences.

I just… I just have to get this off my chest.

Every time I walk into some fucking hipster joint, like an indie movie store or a sous chef’s apartment, there’s a fucking Clockwork Orange poster.

So I said fuck it, I’ll give this thing a whirl, see where it takes me. I read the book first. It sucked. The main character’s running around hopped up on milk, raping and pillaging a bunch of worthless chumps, while acting like quite the yankee doodle dandy-queer that he is. This guy that wrote it, Anthony Burgess, is a complete failure other than this “visionary” [makes quotation mark hand gestures] piece of shit. People were telling me, “But Roy, he invented new slang.” Fuck yourself with that. That means I have to read a whole bunch of shit like “rooker,” “gob” and other goddamn atrocities to the king’s English. Everything is “malenky” and “real horrorshow, my brother.” Pfft. Not like the shit I hear these days. Calling someone a ‘douchebag’? That’s gross enough for me to go up somebody’s head with a corked bat.

So I gave that a shot, and it didn’t pay off. But I thought, maybe, just maybe the movie is somehow better, and I put it on my Netflix queue. I’m telling ya fella, big fucking mistake. Now, not only do I have to look at this mascara’d piece of fop, I’ve gotta hear him say all these stupid made up words. Fuck me, this was worse than being gutshot, and THAT’S BAD. Not only that, but the gayest future ever envisioned is now fully frontal with its balls on my chin. Shit! There’s phallic shit all over the screen! It’s awful. I can’t believe people respect this goddamn thing. [eyes sink to the floor, head shakes]

The fight scenes kind of cracked me up, because these people I was hating got their asses kicked. At one point in time, they show these Dorthies walking like badasses in slow motion, and then BAM! JIMMY CLUB TO THE CODPIECE!

So next time you see a skinny jeans-wearing square-rimmed glasses jackass with “A Clockwork Orange” on his wall, give ‘em a Wonderboy in the codpiece for ol’ Roy here.

...

...and tell him Bjork sucks.

Monday Morning Sh-t Storm

I hate the Oscars.

Why?

Every time I care about a movie/actor, I get all excited and actually watch the show. Only to see said movie/actor lose in the end.


Before we move on A quick note to the Academy: WHAT THE HELL? YOU TOOK MICKEY'S AWARD. THIS WAS GOING TO COMPLETE THE COMEBACK. HE IS THE WRESTLER. QUITE LITERALLY. AND IF YOU ACTUALLY WATCHED THE MOVIE YOU'LL REALIZE...IT'S ALL HIM. HE OWNS YOU FOR ONE HOUR AND 45 MINUTES. WITHOUT ROURKE THAT MOVIE FAILS.

Don't get me wrong, Milk was a really good movie...but Penn?

I think what really pissed me off was staying up anticipating Rourke's speech. What did I get. Sean Penn going political on us, again what a surprise. (note-GRH is all about prop 8, we had a prop 8 week) OOOOOO Penn and the Academy are SOOOO edgy. F-ing edgy as a basketball....

Which brings me to the shit storm. Thanks for sitting through that. We're not going to talk about movies at all, I'm still pissed, but we'll make a compromise.

SNL has a great history of sports bits. I don't think this needs an explanation, so I'll just give you my favorite.



Gets me every time.

So for the storm give us your best SNL sports related skit.

I say sports related because:
1. It could be sports related in any way.
2. I'll also take Superstar hosts who did normal clips.

Let's do it for Mickey.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Premier League Clubs Don't Know What A Recession Is




Europe's January transfer deadline passed a long time ago, and I'm mad late with this post. But, as always, I don't care.

If there's anything to be learned it's that the continent's top clubs care about the recession like Nate Robinson cares about tall peoples' feelings. But if the rest of Europe seemed simply to ignore the recession, English clubs spit in its eye, threw its laptop in the shower, and told everyone it was bad in bed. Spending no less than 160 million pounds, the '09 Premier League nearly doubled the previous transfer record. But, strangely, as far as big names go, the action was pretty practical and overall a little humdrum considering the grand total spent. But there were some interesting moves...

Most Predictable
The biggest and most expected deal was the arrival of Russian midfield dynamo Andrei Arshavin at Arsenal. The deal took FOREVER and was disputably finalized past the deadline, but it finally went through for about 17 million lbs. People have been talking about this deal since November, and Arshavin's move from Zenit St. Petersburg to a top-flight club in Western Europe has been inevitable since he turned heads in Euro '08. Arsenal could use his speed, skill on the ball, and passing ability, but mostly his aggression. Arsenal remind me alot of the Dallas Mavericks of the early '00s-- beautiful to watch on offense, soft and often calamitous on defense. The fact that they're missing Fabregas and Walcott makes this deal all the more essential, but if they wanna stop being the pretty-faced (I swear Arsene Wenger picks his players based on their facebook photos) waifs of the big four, they need to invest in some hard-nosed steel in the midfield and defense.

Wild Card
What I thought was one of the more left-field transfers of the mid-season was the pick-up of Ricardo Quaresma by Chelsea. Most didn't expect Chelsea to make any marquee moves at all (except perhaps for a new manager), even thought they're in the beginning stages of a late-season crisis. But that they picked up a player as notably flashy and dynamic as Quaresma, was especially intriguing. Essentially frozen out of the rotation by Jose Mourinho at Inter Milan, Quaresma was having a tough go in Italy, and Chelsea managed to swoop in relatively under-the-radar and procure him on loan. (Inter still owns the rights to him.) (By the way, the loan system is an amazingly practical aspect of the football transfer system; American sports should really try it.) Anyway, Ricardo's dope. He's got a style and swagger that you might describe as a bit, for lack of a less ethnographical term, 'hip-hop.' He's a bit inconsistent when it comes to results (i.e. goals assists), kind of like fellow Portuguesa Ronaldo back in the day, but he should add a spark of speed and ingenuity to a squad that often plays like a robot army. It'll be interesting to see how Quaresma gets utilized, particularly with the arrival of new coach Gus Hiddink, since the deal was made with former manager Scolari still in charge.

Most Immediately Effective
I like two transfers for this category. Both were fairly subtle; both involved forwards; and both have paid instant dividends in the form of goals. Aston Villa's procurement of veteran England striker Emile Heskey (from Wigan) and Everton's loan deal for Brazilian frontman Jo from Manchester City were as smart as they were slightly unexpected. Heskey has quietly proven himself over the course of his somewhat wandering career, to be as consistent a striker as any in England. A Strong target and clinical finisher, the forward was singled out by both Michael Owen and Wayne Rooney as far and away their favorite forward to play with on the national team squad, mainly because of his unselfishness approach to the game. His experience and willingness to share the ball should be a huge asset both in the development of his sparkling young strike partner Gabbie Agbonlahor and in helping Villa hold on to 3rd in the league table and a much coveted (much deserved) Champions League spot. Heskey proved the point in classic style when he scored in his debut match for Villa a few weeks ago.

Jo also scored twice in his debut for Everton last weekend, as they beat Bolton 3-0. The lanky Brazilian was having trouble getting into the flow of things at Manchester City and a loan to Everton will probably prove beneficial to both clubs, provided his good form and continued growth in confidence continue and Manchester City is able to bring him back after awhile. But, if he keeps this up, Everton will definitely seek to buy him permanently from the disgustingly rich Man Citizens when the summer rolls around. Jo looked exceedingly comfortable and fluid this past weekend and scored two silky goals in the second half that underscored the player's smooth style and real potential to become one of the EPL's biggest threats. Everton need him badly as three of their top-choice strikers-- Louis Saha, Yakubu, and James Vaughan-- are all currently out with injuries.

The truth of the matter the end of the season ss been shaping up to be a crazy one and would be even if no moves were made last month. But, the midseason re-shuffling always makes things more interesting. The biggest story of the season is Aston Villa crashing the big four party at the top of the table. Manchester City still has more money than the economic stimulus package, and Arsenal and Chelsea are most likely in serious trouble. My boys Man Utd. just keeps rollin.' I'm psyched.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!


GO PACK! When I think of oil addiction and neofascism, I think of Georgia.

Yes. The sun is shining, the temperature is warming up. Things are looking good.

To kick things off, I'd just like to say that while we hate ESPN here, due to their monopoly, there's really not a whole lot we can do about it, but keep watching. Shitty. But Ray Romano and Tim Meadows can lampoon those assholes!


After years of research, I think I've settled on a decision. Not only is Jordan brand the shiznit as far as apparel is concerned, but I think that I love their commercials the most also.


And now, for the HOUSE OF PAIN! Below are some pretty painful videos, a little mini-theme to get us all sorts of jacked up for the weekend.

First, shit went bad in Alabama. From what I've heard, a harmless, no blood foul set this off. Meaning, either there was some bad blood before, or there was some serious merit to Chris Rock's warning of "you don't want to spend the rest of your life in jail because somebody smudged your Puma."


We can't talk about pain without including Joe Theismann and LT.


Finally, a montage of hilarity. Well, pain and hilarity.

A-11 RIP

I've been meaning to talk about this for a while, but the A-11 offense is finally dead.


(*If any officials read this, please correct me on any mistakes)

I do have an epic poem in which I completely tear apart not only the X's and O's but the "innovators" as well.

I'm pretty sure it's five pages, and I'm also pretty sure you guys don't want to read it. However, If we get too many dumb comments, I'll take a flame thrower to this mother.

Short History- The A-11, which stands for all 11 potentially eligible was based off of a scrimmage kick exception in high school football (punts)

Essentially in order to have a legal formation a team has to have 7 men on the line of scrimmage and five ineligible numbers (50-79...lineman)

Except...if you line up in a scrimmage kick formation (again, punt) Which states that if you have a player at 7+ yards to receive a snap a team can use eligible numbers. Basically, this rule was put into place so that dreamboat Sealand, and our own Don Delaware (fast kids) could run down the field to cover those wasikiwy punt wetuwnews. Instead of....well me.

(*note the wording for the NCAA and NFL rules is different, I won't get into it but suffice it to say...it's illegal to run the A-11 in those leagues.)

In comes the A-11 which saw this loophole and exploit.... excuse me, used it to their advantage. In simple terms they ran a fake punt every play. And yes, only six people are still eligible. (Looking at you Madden fans) The "creators" (disputed by some) Kurt Bryan and Steven Humphries went on an all out media blitz touting their offense as the future of football. They also claimed that it would help out the little guys, small schools who can't field lineman or compete with the big boys. So you can see this WAS legal because it followed the rules, but not necessarily the intent of the SKF rule.

(Side note-1. We are the most obese country in the world and we can't find lineman? 2. Typically schools play other schools with similar enrollments, its called a classification system. 3. My high school didn't have "lineman" types either, yet we still churned out 175 lb all conference guards. Why? We had a great O-Line coach. 5. We also spent a significant amount of time in this place known as the weightroom)

/Counts to ten.
//Takes deep breaths.
///Performs yoga.
////Finds happy place.

The NFHS who is the governing body for football in 48 states (TX, MA excluded) closed this loophole, effectively eliminating the A-11 during the 2009 rules committee.

Think it's over?

Wrong, Bryan and Humphries are attacking this the the American way.

Hire lawyers and sue those M-fer's.

If that doesn't work, they could also consider the take my ball and go home approach of starting their own A-11 league.

/laughs, thinks of the economy and travel costs, walks by group of individuals playing flag football in the park.
//continues walking.

I will say this, the outrage among coaches, and officials isn't about pro, or anti spread. It isn't about smashmouth or finesse. It's not about stifling innovation. It's about rules, and the respect for coaches who truly changed the game within those rules. And if the Madden players, or yahoo commentors still disagree...keep playing Madden.

To end this I won't talk about the fact that Bryan and Humphries are running the same plays every team in America runs every weekend. I won't talk about the fact that when I asked them if they really want to be super-spread (and legal) then why not place ineligible numbers at slot positions like the BYU formation of old. I'll definitely not talk about them wanting to become the next Bill Walsh. I won't talk about all the poor fools who bought their $199 installation manual, (don't forget the DVD's) and the $149 advance concepts manual

( Actually I will. What they created was a formation advantage, and do you really think that other coaches are so stupid that they couldn't form a cohesive offense given the SKF loophole???)

No, I'd rather talk about the Piedmont players, because at this point it definitely isn't about them.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

All Jacked Up

Let's just get this out of the way,

Pitchers and catchers have reported, marking that time of year where some of us start scouring box scores, and scheming impossible trade ideas.

Yes, Baseball season is almost here.

So let's just get it out of the way and talk about steroids.


Sure, some of you may be wanting to talk about where Man-Ram (A Lattimer favorite) is going to go, or perhaps the gauntlet that is the AL East. Don't get me wrong, we'll get to that, but shit, this whole steroids thing is a big deal.

A-Rod is the latest casualty of this whole debacle, and naturally since he is supposedly the best hitter in baseball, he's getting the most grief. (Although yours truly and a certain statistician would disagree)

As of right now, I'd love to get all of the names out there and get it over with.

I really don't want to say I don't care, but I guess I'm now desensitized to the whole matter. I mean as soon as I found out Fernando f-ing Vina was implicated in the Mitchell report, I lost my innocence. Not because I like Vina, but because I was like Vina...are you serious?
(note-I could never stand Vina on the Cards...yes hit into a double play and then storm off the field...because that makes everything better)

I guess I was one of those guys who used to say: "Look at Roger Clemens, his head is huge...he's on something." (Turns out I was right) Vina represents the fact that even shitty players were juicing. And guess what, this isn't a holier than though type thing because I watched every Cards game during 1998 for the sole purpose of seeing Big Mac put one out of the park. Even after I heard about the Andro report, and I knew what it was and what it was used for, I still defended Big Red.

Still think steroid use is despicable, try accosting your local gym rat, or your neighbor for that matter.

Again, It's not that I don't care, because for every Clemens, A-Rod, and Bonds, we also have a Taylor Hooton, Efrain Marerro, and Chris Benoit.

And don't think this is just an indictment of MLB, every sport is dirty at some point. Furthermore, is it really cheating if everyone does it? (Bigger Stronger Faster)

From a player perspective, I can sympathize with Jeter's point. I wouldn't say I did things the "right" way, but I certainly didn't stick a needle in my ass...or take unmarked pills...or rub special lotion on my shoulder.

On the fan side I think this outrage comes from the fact that many fans still view players as larger than life figures. We all want them to be like our spiritual founder Roy Hobbs, The Natural, when in reality they are humans just like you and me.

I guess at the end of the day my opinion is similar to that of fighter pilots in the movie "Bigger Stronger Faster" (I've referenced it 50 times so why not 51?)

"In sports you should play fair, In war you shouldn't play fair at all"

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Caption Contest!


Reggie: mmmmmmm... chocolate sorbet.

or...

"Well, Kim was talking about needing some shoulder pads or some shit, so I was like, 'here, try these on.'"

or...

Reggie: THIS ICE CREAM'S GOING STRAIGHT TO THAT ASS! YES! REGGIE WINS AGAIN!
/Reggie somersaults

This should be comedic gold, you hacks. Do it to it.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

A Camera Found Stephon Marbury


Stephon Marbury has a lot of time on his hands.

This one guy with a camera found him sitting at a bus stop in New York yesterday.

This is what ensued.










/wets self laughing too hard

Monday, February 16, 2009

NFL CRIME WATCH: Jeff Reed and Marshawn Lynch.

PART ONE: JEFF REED

Jeff Reed was cited for criminal mischief and disorderly conduct at a gas station in Pennsylvania. Why? Because Jeff Reed got loaded the other night and went apeshit on a paper towel dispenser. The towel dispenser received a thrashing at the hands of Mr. Reed for not being filled with paper towels.

At first I could understand his point. The paper towel dispenser's one goddamn goal in existence is to dispense paper towels what good is it if it isn't filled to the top with Brawny? None, that's how much.

But then I realized that it doesn't feel any pain, and wailing on such a useless piece of shit is useless. That, and I'm not a homosexual kicker. This guy is like the Paris Hilton of football. Always showing up doing something stupid while scantily clad and wasted.

[If you've made it this far, then I would just like to say that yes, I'm just as confused as you are about Gilbert Arenas' face]

PART TWO: MARSHAWN LYNCH

Lynch was arrested Wednesday for possession of a concealed handgun. The police in Culver City stopped Lynch and two others in a vehicle, then searched the vehicle, eventually finding a loaded firearm. He was released that night on $35,000 bail.

Culver City police did not immediately return a phone message seeking information about why officers first confronted Lynch and his companions, nor the probable cause for the vehicle search....
Well they didn't...
Just sayin'...

Then again, Lynch's driving record is somewhat questionable.

Exhibit A:


THREAT LEVEL(s):
JEFF REED - Those dudes from the My New Haircut video
MARSHAWN LYNCH - Ted Kennedy

Monday Morning S--t Storm

Presidents day Hobbsonians

So for this Storm I think we need to remember our countries great leaders.

Just kidding, this Storm will be much, much cooler.

Anyway there is a time honored tradition in sports, something that I consider a fine art.

Talking Shit.

I don't know, maybe it's the fact that I was so stoic on the field, but I absolutely admire players who can talk the finest shit in the world.

for the shit storm we need to determine the best trash talker in the land. I'm expecting great things, so do not let me down, but first I need to make my selection.

Chris Ellis:


Yes, just as Michelangelo used chisel and marble to create his works, Ellis uses verbs and nouns to construct his masterpieces.

You may not have heard of Ellis, he was a 4 year DE at Virginia Tech, and is a current member of the Bills. Ellis is a great player, but having watched him for the past four years, I can assure you he is a better shit talker. I knew Ellis was special when during the Gator Bowl his Freshman year he quite literally told everyone out in TV world to "Suck his dick." (Sadly there is no video)

Ellis is one of those rare breeds who can morph from an in your face F you type, to the composed intellectual shit talker you see in this video. The sad thing is we may never know the extent of Ellis' genius simply because of the sport he plays. NFL Films, please mike up Ellis for his entire playing career.

Back to the shit storm, best trash talker: any player, any sport.....and since I'm in such a good mood today, after you make one selection I will allow "fictional trash talkers."

and remember the Ghost will be watching your work closely...Stay tuned.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

The NBA: Where The Big Jabbawockee happens



This was a great All-Star game. The whole weekend was great, in fact. H-O-R-S-E (give the name back, you Geico ratfucks!) is a great addition to the festivities, but I'm still waiting for a 1-on-1 tournament. More on that at a different juncture.

Anyways, Lattimer requested some Shaq for this week's Fun Bag, but I couldn't help myself after seeing this. Shaq is a Big Mystery. Shaq in an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a lie wrapped in an onion. He's so many things to so many people. Savior, traitor, MVP, Deputy Sheriff, Overpaid galoot.

Me, I've gone through various stage of Shaq. He was undeniably the most valuable player in the NBA for about half a decade. It took Tim Duncan and David Robinson to stop him, and Shaq v. The Admiral is the most underrated rivalry of all time. He's been the killer that tore the Mexican Azzurri apart three years in a row, yet the guy I had to watch. The dump truck in which Los Angeles filled its hopes, dreams, exposure, and drama.

Acting, rapping, shoe-producing, spokesman of failed sports drink endeavors, Shaq has done it all. Needless to say, he's filled some different shoes.

But he's entertaining as anything, though, isn't he?

Look at him go! It's not the best Shaq breakdancing we've featured on this glorious experiment, but it's on a different production level.

Although he may be in the twilight of his career, he's still the guy that we all fell in love with back in the day. The way I think about Shaq is that he's like the giant robot that the kid gets to control in that one movie. Shaq's body is the gigantic robot, life-destroying yet tender. Shaq's mind is the six-year-old. He doesn't have the tightest grasp on everything, but he's good.

I hope I never see a world without the Big Cactus.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!


I really hope that Barkley didn't run the stop sign for Bavetta.

WOO! Friday in tha muhfuckin' hizouse. It's cloudy here. Wack. Who cares? We're going to have fun this weekend!

And as you can see above, we at GRH are in the Valentine's Day spirit also. All I know, is when Saturday night rolls around, if the girls aren't sitting at home wondering why Johnny Closetgay hasn't called them, they're going to be out, and they're going to be on the prowl. AMIRIGHT?!?!

So anyways. Kevin Garnett used to be my favorite player. While he's on a team now that I can hardly bring myself to support (Boston fans are the worst of the worst), I still love him. Here's why.


I used to have a pretty exciting life. Now I sit in an office. But anyways, some people out there still kick ass, to the point that if I show up to work with a wingsuit on, you better believe I'm jumping out of a window around lunch.
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The Boondocks is a great show. Not just because of their sick original rap songs, but because it is a finger on the pulse of America. America's pulse, at times, involves dunking on Yao Ming.


This music video won't let me embed it on our site. Cowards. But seriously, I can't really set this video up, you just kind of have to watch it. Unless your sensibilities get offended easily. Or maybe even then, what the hell do I care. I'm not sure if this is NSFW. I really don't know what to say about it.

Commenter Brian is a GRH favorite. We all know this. Time to give a little love back and feature him, getting steezy.


Ok, lots of fun today. Can't wait for tonight. Can't wait for tomorrow, either, lots of soccer on. Let's go. Fuck yes.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

A tale of two collegiate athletes


YammaHamma!
So after watching this play several times, you may conclude that the dunker is destined for greatness, destined to take the world's breath away with death-defying dunkery. Maybe even something greater.

You'd be right. 15 on the baby blues did shock and awe the world with his athleticism and his nose for the hoop. Now, he's kind of broken down, a shell of himself. Vince Carter, we hardly knew you.

What about the guy getting flushed on? The guy that was too slow on the backside help? The one without enough hops to even remotely challenge VC's flush? He did alright. He finished college, got his degree. He was subsequently drafted with the number one pick, and has four rings under his belt. Tim Duncan, we still know you.

So I'm not sure why, but I thought it would be nice to look back today. More than a decade after the fact, we see these two superstars in very different lights. From beasting on competition in the ACC, they have gone on to win gold medals, inspire people, and make millions of dollars. Vince was the biggest draw in the NBA from 1999-2001. Timmy's definitely headed for the hall, and the fifth Spurs number to be retired (he will also someday kill that rat bastard John Connor). The artist formerly known as Vinsanity has a far different legacy, for better or worse.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Caption Contest!


"No guys, focus on the center, and as I move it out, you'll see the 3D image."

or...

"Are you happy now with me shielding your eyes from the sun, you fat prima donnas?"

or...

"I hold in my hand tonight's top ten list!"

These weren't funny. Yours better be. Remember, there's a prize at the end of the tunnel, so comment well, and comment often.

UPDATE: Anonymous wins. This could be a "body of work" award, but it's actually going to the use of flatulence. Congratulations, unnamed sage! If the fart joke was you, email us to let us know who you are, you're in the running for bountiful treasure.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Bawston Fans Elated at Ensuing Mayhem



Why yes, Saturday was a fine day. I had a meeting where I got to smoke a cigar, a bought some blue jeans, got a haircut, and had evening drinks with old friends from years past, bantering back and forth about the good old days and the good new days ahead.

The same could not be said for Mr. Alex "YOU SACK (suck)!" Rodriguez.

In a leak from a supposedly-confidential 2003 screening, Rodriguez was one of 104 major leaguers to test positive for steroids, he himself testing positively for two anabolic steroids, which is a terrible faux pas these days. The name of the heir-apparent King of Swing now lie in ruins in a back alley in Queens.

In an unrelated incident, Seamus O'Learrigan, one of the individuals who worked for the nursing staff that conducted the urine testing, was given the key to the city of Boston for a week.

It is still unknown from whence the leak about A-Rod came, and the MLB Players' Union is still investigating.

But this incident has unveiled a beast even more treacherous that that of the Steroids Era in baseball, the Gambling Referee Era in basketball, or the Trent Dilfer Era in football: Legitimizing the claims of Joe Homah Bawston fans.

Turning a deaf ear to mindless Homerisms has become a statewide past time in Arkansas. Despite how terrible the team may be or how vaunted the opponent, the knuckle-dragging booger-eaters that comprise the evening sports radio show racket still attempt to logically plot out victory for the often hapless Razorbacks. "Hogs are playing the Steelers? Pittsburgh? Welp, I thank Darren McFadden gon' run for 'bout fiftyhundredandeleven yard, run back a kick-off punt, throw a touchdown pass, and average 4.8 sacks this here game," you know, very educated discourse.

New England protestations are similar. "If you don’t root far the Pats, then you don’t really undahstand what football is all about! YOU AHH CLEARLY JUST BANDWAGON FANS! Not like me. The only reason I sold off my season tickets aftah Tawmmy Brady went down was so I could get these calf implants! Fackin’ look!" to borrow a line from Tawmmy for Quinzee.

And while it may be simple to avoid eye contact, ignore the problem, and pray to your God that it goes away before a clover-leaf belt buckle is chucked at your head, once their claims are legitimized by coincidence, it's hard for these types to let it go in a lawful manner, becoming so over come with irrational faculties, a felony is bound to break out somewhere.

These same fans have been decrying the name of Rodriguez for years. Now it seems they will be able to have new ammunition to claim that Rodriguez does indeed suck a fat one, this time backed up by a federal Grand Jury.

I shudder to think what the highway's between Bawston and New Yark will resemble in the coming weeks.

I shudder even more vehemently to think of how much blood loss I will suffer through my ears after hearing the likes of southern Bawston fans, and their newly recharged fervor.

UPDATE: A-Rod dresses like Mr. Rogers with avid Bawston fan, and oh yeah, admits he lied like a liar from 2001 to 2003 while playing for the Rangers. Bigger question: Why did he have to cheat to outperform for the Rangers? That'd be like Manute Bol wearing stilts in China; We get it. You're taller.

DOUBLE UPDATE: If you look closely, you can see Peter Gammons laughing and spiting in A-Roid's face, what any true Bawston fan would have done in the same situation. He can also be heard cackling when the camera is on Rodriguez.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Monday Morning Sh*t Storm

Fuck, shit, cock, balls, taint, gooch, and finally the field dress.

You know how I know you're gay?

So hey, did you guys watch the Grammy's last night?

haha, I didn't even watch that shit, sorry Vitus Tinnitus, this was a total cock tease, this shit storm has nothing to do with music.
(Unless you connect A-Rod to Madonna)

Ok now time to get serious.

Last week was very positive if you get my drift. We had Phelps, Glenn, A-Rod. etc. so I think it's time to visit that age old question.

I was just thinking of leaving it at that, but I have to set some ground rules.

1. All the kids in America are not going to start smoking weed and get on that pandemic just because they saw a picture of Phelpsie sucking on a bong.

2. Steroids are a bigger issue than you probably think.

3. Let's not make this a drug legality issue.

So, The Shit Storm: Do athletes (especially in today's TMZ style media) have a responsibility to be strong role models, or is it ok to just say fuck it.

I know what I think, but this is a shit storm, so I need to hear from the Hobbers.

Friday, February 6, 2009

What is Vlade Divac doing?


Vlade dodi, he likes to party. He don't cause trouble, he don't bother nobody.

So a couple of weeks ago, I was wondering, "what the hell Vlade Divac was doing?" I've since learned he was filming a Taco Bell commercial.

Anyways, I started thinking to myself what could Vlade Divac be doing? I had some rational, if hilarious ideas at first, such as: Vlade Divac coaching the Croatian Women's National Team, or sideline reporting in Kiev. Funny ideas, but for some reason my thinking devolved into what I would like to see Vlade Divac do.

Recently, Old Booker Pogue and I brainstormed some mental images of Vlade Divac that will live with us forever.

-Moonwalk
-Handstand

-box tanya harding

-Fire two pistols at the same time
-intern in Marshawn's Crunk/Stank lab
-ride a giant zipline and do a cannonball into a lake

-sumo wrestle (fake fat suits) against bill cowher or mike leach

-shine shoes

-wreck a zamboni

-toss pizza dough. that would be huge

-put out a fire with a fire hose

-race an ostrich? Please.
box an ostrich?
lasso an ostrich and ride it

-waltz a kangaroo.
-harpoon moby dick

-Fight a giant squid with his bare hands, and knife in teeth

-scoop shit at a petting zoo

-reject a young basketball player's layup at the special olympics.
-enter a 3-legged race with wee man of jackass fame

-operate a jackhammer

-defeat ted nugent in paintball.

-Fight Kareem Abdul-Jabar in a remake of the final scene of Game of Death

-convince asia to lose the chopsticks and get on board with forks (they're just easier)
-reconcile the differences between dogs and cats (abraham simpson reference)

-whack snakes with a club.

-beat jimmy carter in arm wrestling before the screaming masses at MSG

-shoot an eskimo shooting a whale eating a dolphin. total catch 22.

-Run the ball on a 32 counter smash for the Titans

-suit up with a straight face in a wnba game
-deliver me a pizza. with corporate polo and ballcap.
-Write, direct, and act in Space Jam 2: Village of the Jammed
we will also accept, "Space Jam 2: Logjammin'"

-give gandhi a bloody nose
which gandhi? The one that died in 1947, or his granddaughter that runs India today?

-I'd like to see CBS drop Katie Couric for Vlade.
and then hear every reaction in mississippi and south carolina.

-Vlade whiddle
-play a slide trombone
or a washboard in a jug band while wearing overalls and a straw hat.
-race a pig at the state fair

-I want to see Vlade surf the big waves at Pea'hi, North Shore of Oahu


-I want to see him drop kick a koala, get swarmed by all of PETA, ALL of them at once, and then overcome, a la ving rhames in mars attacks.

-I want to see him be the wedge-buster on a kickoff in the NFL


-smoke weed with michael phelps
-photo bomb paris hilton with the shocker

-Chicken fight with michael phelps on his shoulders vs. Daryl Dawkins and Usain Bolt
-Motocross

-debunk, in a classroom lecure, sweatervest on, marshawn's proof that it don't get no better than solid.

-have a conversation with Marshawn Lynch
-rappel down the face of a tall building

Debate Willie Herenton

If you can think of a better thing Vlade Divac could be doing, drop it into the comments section. Hell, we might even put your name in the running for our inaugural "GRH MVP" T-Shirt contest (more news on that later. Tell your friends).

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!


WOO! LONGHORNS! I WON THE SUPER BOWL!

Casey Hampton is fantastic.

YES! What is up, internet? Did you miss me? Did you? You know you did.

Anyways, it's been a pretty good week, considering there is no football to be had until after labor day. Things could definitely be worse. For instance, you could be stupider than Tommy Lasorda.


Most of you Hobbers down in Hobbsville probably aren't aware of this, but one of the most incredible competitions is going on right now. The Volvo Ocean Race. At the moment, the boats are recovering from a battering in Qingdao, before they start their marathon to the Mediterranean. Need more proof that it's awesome?


I don't know if any of y'all saw it last night, but Clemson gave Duke something to cry about. Seriously, even Coach K said that it was the worst basketball you can possibly play. The best part? Seeing Kyle Singler get yanked on.


And again, something weird from Europe. Wait until about 0:38 in, it starts off odd enough. But around 1:35 is when they truly begin to break it down.


So there you have it. Solid week all around. Anyways, it's been fun. I could use suggestions for things to include in this space, so remember to drop links to your favorite videos into our email, fbook, or comments sections.

One love.

The hopes and dreams of your favorite team rests on the shoulders of 18 year old High Schoolers


LIVE BLOG!!!
National signing day is hilarious. Yesterday was essentially the day where every college football fan in America does one of two things.

1. Predict their National Championship Season.

2. Scream at their coach for getting the one star kid from nowhere high school USA.

The best thing about this whole process, is the fact that the analysts typically have no idea how most kids will pan out. A good book to read on this subject is (suprisingly) an ESPN book Meat Market By Bruce Feldman. It chronicles one recruiting season for Ed Orgeron while he was at Ole Miss. Anyway, the best part of the book is when it talks about how sites such as Rivals, and Scout really have no idea what is going on. Basically the two sites give star rankings based off of what type of offers a kid receives. So if Johhny Stud QB, from Generic High gets offers from places like Kentucky, the kid might get 3 stars. However, if Johnny then gets an offer from Florida, his star ranking may go up to 4 or five stars. What's the point? Well basically these sites don't bother to look at film and actually break down a kid like my main man Mike Mayock.

So, yesterday I live blogged all of the SUPER HUGE SUPER IMPORTANT SIGNINGS.

Enjoy.

10:00 ESPN hypes this as the most important day for every team in America. 9 HOURS OF COVERAGE!!!!

10:11 Surprise surprise USC has the #1 QB, #1 DE, #1 MLB, #1 G, and #1 DB

10:20 One of the major undecided recruits is Jelani Jenkins. An OLB out of MD. This guy is in fact an insane player. Observe:


It looks like USC, Florida, ND, Penn State, and Stanford. Choose that hat wisely young Jelani.

10:30 LSU is tabbed as the #1 class in the country led by Billy B.A QB Russell Shepard, hailing from H-Town.

1st Hat alert: Sam Montgomery #2 DE. The choices: LSU, UNC, and Tennessee.
The Winner...(Sam is wearing a Grizz hat) LSU. Fine choice young man.
(Fan response) Thank god he didn't Pick UNC

10:45 Tommy Tubbs is an analyst on ESPN, and he is actually doing a great job.

Hat alert: Daryn Miles #5 safety. (tossing hats, please stop doing that) Tennessee is the winner. (he's also predicting becoming an All American next year)

Jelani update: Florida. (The kid actually seems like he has a square head on his shoulders) Urban wins again.

Pete Carroll Twitter update: "Just woke up from a short nap... Signing day is off the ground!!! Now the excitement begins!!"

Win forever Pete.

Tajh Boyd From the Hampton Roads area of VA. (AI, Vick, Vick, Curry, etc.) Goes to Clemson.
1. He was a WVU commit, and was considering Tenn. and Penn State. He's now going to Clemson (Fan response: Shit) But the guy looks solid. Good footwork, and a quick release.

2. What you didn't want to go to VaTech? We have history of a stellar passing game and developing outstanding Qb's??????

Hat alert: Frankie Telfort: #3 OLB winner is...USC

Ghost Riding intermission.

OHHH SHIT...OHHH SHIT...LAWRENCE TAYLOR'S KID IS A PROSPECT!!!

YES YES YES, RETURN OF L.T.

Hat Update: Manti Te'O: From Hawaii...The winner is (Betting USC)
Ohhh was I wrong Notre Dame gets the #1 OLB

Russell Shepard update: Life of a student athlete segment. Enrolls early at LSU, Rocks a mid 90's H-town hat, says the right things about academics, hits on a girl in class, eats chick-fil-e, (Jemarcus Russell?) already has groupies, says the right things about fans, gets his pump on, (nice snatch form) thanks us for watching him.

That is all.

Tommy Tuberville is in fact wearing an Under Armour lapel. Protect the house.

Ok we have some dead time so this is a great homerism spot.

Virginia Tech. Ok so everyone signed their LOI. We have the typical great RB's (We had some insane LB's last year) and some good Receivers. (Cole went to a prep school last year) However, we also got our typical 5 star guy, Logan Thomas. (Yes he was 5 stars up until 3 weeks ago) Logan is a 6'6 TE who weighs 230, and runs a 4.6. Logan also played QB in high school.

Basically Frank Beamer, you and I both know Tech will never be able to pass the ball, unless it's a bomb to one of the great WR's we get. So lets cut our losses, call a spade a spade, and run the single wing.


Think I'm crazy? We already get 9 man boxes, and all those receivers are just smoke and mirrors, everyone knows we're running it. So let's just put our athletic qb at the singlewing tailback spot, run the rock, and throw it deep every once and a while. You know Foster is going to shut things down every week. Shit, if you want to get tricky, just put in the spin series.

/end rant.

1:45 Check that. UVA just got Morgan Moses(OT). Morgan Moses is sick.
(shit shit shit shit shit shit shti shit shit shit damn shiat shit shit shit shit)
Go play LAX

I hate UVA.

/Takes deep breaths.

Hat Update: Dre Kirkpatrick #1 CB chooses Alabama over Texas, why you ask? Swagger...Texas did not have enough...swagger.

Alright lets try to wrap this up in some sensible manner.

But first a Pete Carroll update: "Busy day today...We're moving along quite nicely on Signing Day...Win Forever!"

Ok, So to sum the whole thing up:
Rivals has:
1. Alabama
2. LSU
3. TOSU
4. USC
5. Texas

Surprise surprise. Out of those teams, I think LSU is still the winner, they seemed to get some quality players led by the Sheppard Kid.

Darkhorse: UNC. Damn, they really had a big day to round out what seems to be a solid recruiting class. In fact, it seems like the ACC in general fared pretty well.

At the end of the day, recruiting is huge, however there are so many other factors that go into making a championship caliber team. Furthermore, these kids are just 18. Think about when you were 18.

Not necessarily the most mature individual, were you?

Who knows how these kids will turn out.

To close, I basically did this liveblog to highlight what I consider the insanity that is national signing day. We complain all the time about egotistical athletes, and this is just part of the process. Yes go take those hats of other schools, toss them to the floor, and proclaim your dominance. I'm sure the LSU defenders just LOVE seeing that. let's hope you aren't on the bottom of too many piles.

With that being said, my good guy of the day was Te'O, The LB that chose ND. The guy picked up a ND hat, thanked everyone, sat down. (Honorable mention Jelani Jenkins)

Pissing Match update:
Did Tennessee steal verbal commits from Florida? Do I care?

Ok now go win some Championships!!!!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Michael Phelps Doesn't Care; Why Should We?



I'm tired of hearing about Michael Phelps and his altogether unremarkable photo with his Swedish-made penis enlarger/ bong.

  • He's 23.
  • He's got more money than God.
  • He holds a honky record that no honky will dare challenge for years.
  • That record will protect his image like a bulletproof vest.
  • He is a goon.

All of these are indicators that Michael Phelps will likely smoke some ganja. If you think he won't, you're a tremendously large idiot.

So. Stop talking about Michael Phelps smoking some grass. I'd be more surprised if he didn't. And above all, never forget that he is first and foremost a laughable, awkwardly-jawed goon.

Tyrus Thomas - Posterboy.


Tracy McGrady has been hated on a lot lately.

People saying things like, "His eye isn't the only thing that's lazy" and stuff like that.

With the perpetually banged-up Rockets still deep in the playoff hunt, Mac has still been hated on.

Tracy had it. He had it right up to here. He is sick and fucking tired of you all saying that he's washed up, his back is always hurt, and that he can't lead a team out of the first round of the playoffs.

Fuck you, said Mac. Fuck all of you! He needed to show all of you doubters that he still has it. That while raining silky j after silky j is fun and easy, he can still take it to the rack and flush, even with his off hand.

But that wasn't enough! It needed to be more. It needed to be poignant. Can't just beat a man and flush with the left, it needed that extra panache to show that Mac isn't perpetually hurt, hasn't gone soft.

In stepped Tyrus Thomas. T2 has made a living off of being an athletic freak with no fear. Long, strong, and with a great leaping ability, he reminded Mac of his more youthful self. It was time to shut the door on the past, thought Tracy. Time to show everybody that this, new Tracy McGrady, will not back down, not curl over and die, none of that.

He'll look the challenge right in the eye and say, "The check's in the mail."

Caption Contest!


O-FACES!

or...

Phelps: "Lochte, Brah! That bro's leaving with our ganja! Get his attention!"

or...

Phelps: "I'm walking on sunshine, whoooooaaaaa!"

More schadenfreude! Kick this personalityless sacks of crap while everyone else does!

UPDATE: VitusTinnitusHasHerpes wins with the Greg Louganis comment. Fucked up, it was. And I liked it. Good job, everyone. This was a great caption contest.

Monday, February 2, 2009

This Isn't a Debate...Is It?


ESPN is regularly guilty of the crime of High Over-Hyping.

Whether it's delving into what's REALLY going on in the Cowboy's locker room (crap), figuring out what's REALLY between Kobe and Shaq in 2009 (crap), driving a REAL stake through the heart of Barry Bonds (old crap), asking Andy Roddick's Mom what's REALLY wrong with his game vs. Roger Federer (double crap) or sifting through Tiger Woods' garbage to see what he's REALLY eating while rehabbing (awkwardly likely crap), ESPN has about 38 minutes worth of news in a given day and stretches to 1,440 minutes, making the minutiae of every single angle of every single play.

Not that I don't watch, but that can get pretty monotonous. And by "pretty monotonous" I mean, "Sub-consciously coercing me to harm others."

But last night the Super Bowl lived up to the hype, marking the second year in a row the Biggest Game of the Year was actually in contention for the biggest game of the year. Each marked good offenses, defenses, and big plays.

In fact, two game-winning drives.

Last year, Eli Manning's emancipation from the sure-death grip of a host of New England defenders was only shown up by a ridiculous catch that invokes the lame cliche "Way to use your head! HARF HARF HARF!" The rally lead to a Cheddar Plaxico touchdown that sealed the deal for the New York Giants, defeating the Patriots in their quest for undefeated dominance.

Last night, a fourth-quarter offensive firestorm caught ablaze from the Arizona Arsonist Cardinals, with Kurt Warner throwing for a bajillion yards, all of which to Hairy Larry Fitzgerald, was extinguished by Gentle Ben Roethlisberger's pumping pass to the smallest available bit of real estate in the back corner of the end zone to Santonio "Shower Power" Holmes, capping off a Super Bowl-winning drive.

Each were marvelous catches, in the upper echelon of Super Bowl catches of all-time. But ESPN had the gall to say that Holmes catch last night surpassed that of the year prior by Mr. David Tyree.

Needless to say, I was taken aback.

I found it laughable. There's no way you could look at these two plays and say that last night's play was better than last year's, unless you're from the furthest reaches of the bowels of inner-Pittsburgh (which I doubt, considering that this is a written medium, requiring literacy for its consumption). But then more and more people were jumping on the Steeler morbid-obesity band wagon. Even our own Steve Lattimer jumped on the wagon, mouth full of tater tots and a half-bottle of ketchup, to be washed down with a half pint of KFC gravy.

Just make these considerations, I may even spot the nay-sayers a point.

Touchdown vs. Not-a-Touchdown

This is the only valid point that I see the nay-sayers having a prayer in defending, although I would contend it is surely not enough. Tyree's heads-up play (GET IT?) was only a reception to prolong the drive, rather than seal the game, while Holmes' stab-n-snag last night was the deal breaker for the Super Bowl.

I say that while it's true that Manning-to-Tyree didn't guarantee a win, I would also say that Roethsldfjsf-to-Holmes didn't either. If the Cards had shown anything that night, it was that they had a flare for the fashionably late appearances, and had more than enough time (24 human seconds, 4:52 seconds in Hairy Larry seconds) to score a last-second TD and win the game.

Not to mention the scramble by Manning was far superior/freakish than the tender fat loafings of Roelkjflkjfasaukjfhburger on their respective plays.

Both catches were clutch, and went on to be the most notable plays on the game-capping drives of the winning team. Just because one directly resulted in six, while the other indirectly lead to six.

Game vs. Game

This seemed like it might be a draw, but in fact, I think it only supports my rightness; last year's game meant more than this year's game.

This year brought on the sixth championship of a franchise that isn't called America's Team. While noble the mighty Steelers are, them getting One for the Thum-...One for Another Appendage to be Named isn't that remarkable. What happens when Dallas or San Fransisco gets their sixth? Records are meant to be broken.

So what's better than building on a record? How about assuring another one isn't built. The New York Giants were the only thing standing between the free world and the utter domination of the Prince of Darkness and his gnashing mignons of terror — an undefeated season by Bill Belichick and the Patriots.

I'm happy for the Steelers, I really am. But there was much more history on the line last year.

Catch vs. Catch

The actual physical act of catching the football was far superior by David Tyree of the Giants last year.

"Oh my! How did he keep those feet in bounds?" This was a question asked by literally thousands of people last night as Holmes kept his toes daintily within the end zone to secure another Steelers Super Bowl, and rightfully so. It was a great catch. One for the ages, as I said at length earlier.

So how did he keep them in bounds? He practices.

Receivers are trained on several different skills, from tip drills to toe drills. Tapping the NFL-required two toes is necessary to winning games, whether it be to utilize the sidelines for time-saving measures or — as in the case last night — to pass the ball in such a place that it was only accessible by a tightrope walking receiver and no one else. He has done that move literally thousands of times.

David Tyree hasn't performed that move before or since Super Bowl XLII. In fact, I think it's safe to say that he won't ever do it again. I would go as far to say it will never happen again to anyone ever, but I know that now anytime somebody catches a ball around their head in a manner that may be construed as them using their helmet to catch it, commentators professional and otherwise will scream at the top of their lungs "THAT'S JUST LIKE THAT ONE SUPER BOWL THAT'S JUST LIKE THAT ONE SUPER BOWL THAT'S JUST LIKE THAT ONE SUPER BOWL THAT'S JUST LIKE THAT ONE SUPER BOWL!!!"

Tyree's catch itself was, simply put, much more remarkable. And after all, wasn't that the essence of the "debate' in the first place? Tyree's catch was better, in a more important game, and while it wasn't for a touchdown, it lead to the touchdown that lead to an upset against a far greater team.

Case closed. Until Trent Dilfer opens his mouth and tries to convince America other wise. Yeah, you heard me right — Trent Dilfer was trying to convince other people to think his football-related opinion was right.

There are circus clowns that know more about football than Trent Dilfer, and he, I, Dan Marino and the rest of the American public know that the only reason he has a ring is because of Ray Lewis. Speaking of the last Super Bowl, Jared the Hefty Lefty Lorenzen did more to help his team win a Super Bowl than Trent Dilfer.

Be it known; Trent Dilfer endorses Holmes' catch, which means I can't be wrong.

T.W at the Super Bowl.

Many of the writers on this blog were friends with this one guy in college. His name is T.W Samuels. While we all had some great memories many of us have moved on with our Lives. T.W, however, likes the college lifestyle, and travels around the country crashing at various homes. Last night at 3:00 am I received a phone call from an unknown number. My phone was silent so a message was left. (apparently the result of an accidental dial) The following is a transcript of that message.

Robo phone lady: You have 1 new message, first unheard message.
/Beep

/muffled background noise.
(Night Club in Tampa)

Matt Leinart: BRAH!!!!!!! Man this Superbowl shit is CRAZY, so much better than the BCS. God, we need to do this every year.


Unkown voice: MATTY!!!! MATTY!!!! DUUUUUUDE this is great, we need to hang out more often.

Matt: Yeah man, hey thanks T.W for putting me on the list for your dad's Superbowl party.


T.W: No problem dude, I mean Playboy canceled their party, and so I was like "Hey dad lets throw a Superbowl party in Tampa." And he was all like, "If I do this will you finally get your life together?" And I was all like, "Oh sure thing dad , I'll send in that MBA application tomorrow." And he was all like, "Ok I'll see what I can do." Funny thing is, the deadline was LAST WEEK!!! Jokes on him, AM I RIGHT!!!

Matt: Totally dude, totally. Hey lets get a drink.

T.W: Haha open wide!!!

/Matt opens mouth, T.W tips self over, pours self in Leinart's mouth, proceeds to drink self.

Matt: Oh my god.
/Dry heaves
That is the worst thing I've ever tasted in my life.

T.W: Yeah man, I may be bottom shelf in taste, but I party top shelf.

Matt: Cool, so what did you think of the commercials? I thought the Boss had a decent half time show.

T.W: Matt...how did you watch the telecast?

Matt: Oh dude, I got this free mini TV from some Superbowl bullshit, I pretty much watched the whole thing, also got to watch The Office in the locker room, but it sucked because every once and a while I'd have to get up and high-five Kurt or Larry. But other than that it was pretty sweet.

T.W: ...

Matt: But you know the worst part of the Superbowl?

T.W: Losing the game?

Matt: Ha, I could care less about that, no the worst part are these Tampa chicks. They are nothing compared to those Tempe girls.

T.W: Yeah, I really don't care either way...

Matt: Another drink!!!

/T.W pours self into Matt's mouth, chugs self.

Matt: Oh my god...blah...oh shi...

/Matt vomits on floor revealing a cigarette butt within the bodily fluids.

T.W: Oh man when someone else yacks I...

/T.W projectile vomits covering a female patron's shoe.

Matt: AHHHH T.W!!!!

(In a soft insightful voice)


Troy: Hey Matt are you ok?

Matt: Yeah Troy, I'm fine. Good game.

Troy: Thank you Matthew, the competitiveness of our game inspired me, it was truly great to...

Matt: Shut up Troy, your just bragging because coach Carroll gave you a shout out on his twitter page without mentioning me.

Troy: You have a kind spirit Matthew.

/Inflatable football decoration falls from ceiling, Troy picks up football, weaves through patrons, runs into the Tampa night.

Matt: DAMN YOU TROY!!!!

/Matt Throws glass into corner of the bar, Santonio Holmes appears screaming "got that pandemic", extends arms, catches glass, taps both toes to stay in the bar.

T.W: Alright dude let's hit the beers for a while. Hey bartender throw me a cold one.

/Bartender throws beer, Larry Fitzgerald appears, catches beer, splits the bouncers, runs 64 yards untouched.

T.W: Hey Michael Phelps!!!


Matt: Phelpsie!!!

Phelps: Hey whaths up guyths

T.W: Nothin much man, just cruisin for the ladies. AM I RIGHT!!!

Phelps: Seriousthly man I've gotten stho much assth this weekend.

T.W: Sorry to hear about that photo thing.

Matt: Bra don't worry about that, I had a bad photo of me bonging some Tempe trash, it was no big deal, you're gold.

Phelps: I know dude, Gold timesth eight.

T.W: So Michael wha....

Phelps: Thisth party sucks letsth get the hell out of here.

T.W: Yeah lets get the...

Matt: Totally dude, but lets get some honey grahams before we roll.

T.W: Haha yeah lets...

Phelps: Stheriousthly dude letsth tag em and bag em.

/Random Steelers fan enters.

Steeler fan: WOOOOO, Champs!!! Fan since 1974

T.W: More like '05 but whatever.

Matt: Phelpsie, bogies 10 o'clock high.


Phelps: I got your sixth bra.

T.W: Guys?

Dudes?

Shit, who cares, for the first time in my life I feel like the least douchiest guy in the bar.

I'm going to go blackout now.

Robo Phone lady: End of messages, to delete this message press 7, to save it in the archives press 9, to hear more options....

/presses 7