CFB Preview

#8 University of Texas

Offense: Garret Gilbert, Cody Johnson, Tre Newton, Malcolm Williams, James Kirkendoll, Marquise Goodwin.

Defense: Sam Acho, Emmanuel Acho, Dustin Earnest, Aaron Williams, Chykie Brown, Curtis Brown.

Special Teams: Curtis Brown can return punts which will give him practice at picking off any dying ducks heaved up by the garbage QBs he'll see this season, Marquise Goodwin is faster than everyone.

Initial Thoughts: Texas doesn't rebuild, they reload.

People will call me crazy for this, but I've got more confidence in this team than I did in last year's team. Colt McCoy had to literally win more games than any other college quarterback ever to win me over. Granted, he did, but he still doesn't inspire the same confidence that Gilbert does. Maybe it's because I saw him get knocked out of big games throughout his career, but I just never saw him finishing anything.

Texas fans will surely miss the closeted homosexual Jesus freaks (McCoy and circlejerk roommate pardner Jordan Shipley), but just because ESPN crammed that sappy shit down our throats doesn't mean that they are the be-all end-all of Longhorn football.

Gilbert definitely doesn't have McCoy's speed, but he's got the confidence to step in to the biggest game of his life when McCoy goes down, suffer through a series or two of garbage play calling, then come out with a re-energized purpose in the second half, and play acceptably. More snaps with the first team and a better feel for the speed of the college game will only help.

I was sad to see Earl Thomas go, simply because he was the best player the Longhorns had last year. Well, that and he would clean up Blake Gideon's messes. But looking at the defensive backfield, three dudes (the Browns and Aaron Williams) have great shots at playing at the next level.

Sergio Kindle was an empty uniform for much of last year, but I wish him all the best on the Ravens. He won't be missed. Texas is stacked at defensive end and linebacker. They could throw fresh bodies at you at any time and not miss a step.

Moreover, last year I had a LOT of doubts about the offensive line. If you watched them, they had more than their fair share of troubles. People had to be shuffled around, often mid-game, to try and marginalize problems. This year, they pretty much return everybody, all a year wiser. Also, this year, all tight ends survived the summer, which is better than last year, when none of them did.

So let's look at their schedule. Texas Tech in the third game might make some peoples' buttholes pucker up, but let's remember that the Red Raiders no longer have Leach. He was the only thing that made them a force to be reckoned with.

Then comes the gauntlet. September 25th against UCLA could be the bell-weather. An unknown non-conference that is no stranger to playing big games that early in the season. The next week, Texas takes on Oklahoma in the annual temptation of Icehouse's violent urges. Then comes a bye week, followed by Nebraska. Nebraska seems fearsome, I guess, but they no longer have DonkeyKong Suh, so I'm inclined to scoff at their preseason ranking. Unfortunately, they go from West Coast high-fliers, the emotional drain of the Red River Shootout, then having to grind one out against the Huskers. The off-week could either provide much-needed recuperation, or they could come out flat. Hopefully they clobber the first two teams and come out firing for Nebraska.

Truthfully, I could see Texas A&M pissing in the Longhorn's cheerios this season. At least it's played in Austin as opposed to College Station, as Kyle Field is intimidating as fuck. But home/away debates aside, Jerrod Johnson is really good, and he's tired of losing to the 'Horns. I could see him going into beast mode for his last charge against the hated orange juggernaut.

The Longhorns are perfectly poised to run the table again, at least as much as Alabama is. Would anyone really hate a rematch for the National Title?*

*Besides, of course, SEC haters, Texas haters, the playoff contingency, the Pac-10, the Big 10 (11), Oklahomans, and several other assorted groups I've failed to mention.

Cheer on Your Favorite Teams in Good Humor and Style

Two Eight Nine Design sells "unlicensed and unauthorized shirts for everyone". Not only are they funny, they're stylish too (they do have the shabbychicblonde seal of approval):

Monday Morning S--t Storm

I didn't watch, but I understand Jimmy Fallon was horrible which doesn't surprise me in the least.

But I was watching TV and SPORTS!!!

So for this shit storm we are combining TV CHARACTERS with sports we would like to see them play.

For instance.

The Emmy's were on last night

I always thought Chris Partlow would be a great football player. Most likely on the defensive side of the ball. He'd be that quiet guy the first day, just putting on his pads, doing the stretches. The Oklahoma drill comes up and WHACK, he just starts lighting people up.

My only request is that we get creative with this so please no, "Bunk once played Lax."

This shit is theoretical.

Ok Begin.

Hey What's Up

Salutations blood brothers and sisters, My name is Ted Nugent and fellow outdoorsman Steven Lattimer has blessed me with the opportunity to promote the Ghost of Roy Hobbs Fantasy Football League.

/mouth clicking

As we sit and ponder our existence it is easy to see how the distractions of our created reality can deter us from our natural roots to return to the wild and compete in ancient internet combat known as fantasy football. However it is our duty as blood brothers to not only preserve this sport, but to promote it to the young fantasy footballers so that future generations of wild men can have backstraps for years to come.

As you can see here my good buddy Lattimer has set us up with a prime location on the yahoo ranch in the heart of fantasy football country. We've been scouting this location for weeks and as you can see it is an absolute beauty. If you notice here to my right we have seen an Adrien Peterson walk up to this water hole and several Peyton Mannings have lurked around ole Uncle Ted's thumping radius.

/guitar solo

Now, some of you may be new to this wonderful sport, but do not fret new initiates. I have been lurking the fantasy football sites of my native Michigan for years as i have tracked and stalked football players since my earliest memories.

My instructions for you is to first stake out a functional yet breathtaking site as you begin your hunt. I suggest yahoo.

As you search for your query make sure to get a sense of your surroundings, pay attention to your injured lists, offensive styles, depth charts, and most importantly. THE WIND

Once you have settled down in the fantasy section of yahoo and are prepared to harvest your beast type in the league ID number and password which is
ID=495695
Password=GRH

As you type in those most important codes, notice the majestic draw of your left click button and the beautifully imperfect click of your arrow. Breath deeply as you sight your target and imagine yourself as the cursor to complete the task it is designed for , which is to puncture a best at an undetermined range.

Pay no attention to the draft status as it will be ever changing much like the wind. Instead think to yourself. "When do I want this draft to occur", only then will you know when the proper drafting time will occur.

And do not draft for the sake of drafting. Notice the power of your clicks, practice your clicks, become proficient at your clicks. You see drafting a playing shouldn't be performed by the uninitiated. Rather it should occur because your DNA, those tiny molecules that give us the beauty of human life, tell you to click. We draft because it's in our blood We draft because we seek a simpler time where we can simply be one with the wild. We draft because our fathers have drafted, and our children will one day cull the bounty of NFL players to ensure the future of our sport and lifestyle.

/shoots M-16
//mouth clicking

Soon. Soon there will be football.

This commercial perfectly encapsulates every one of my Mondays. But soon. Soon there will be football at the end of it.

Monday Morning Sh*t Storm

Good morning bumblefucks. Summer is winding down, like it or not. The good part is, we've finally gotten to see some football, and they start playing for real. We had our private fantasy draft over the weekend, which Stovall missed due to a "kickball playoff game" whatever the fuck that means. I guess fantasy football was too mainstream for our budding hipster.

Just kidding. He was outside running around and we were inside at our computers. But considering he now has to deal with an auto-drafted team, we'll call it a push.

But yeah, back to summer winding down. Summer is generally a heightened travel time because of kids not being in school and warm weather making everything more fun. So, this shit storm is vacation-related.

Specifically, what sports-related vacation would you most like to take? Want to go to an awesome event? I know a couple of people who traveled to South Africa for the World Cup. That's pretty badass. But yeah, go nuts. Fly somewhere for the World Series or Super Bowl. You can also go somewhere to participate in your own sport. Go to China to train in martial arts. Go cliff diving in Acapulco. Go heli-skiing in Banff, Canada. Go to the moon to play golf like Alan Shepherd.

What is Icehouse's choice? It's pretty simple.

Yes, you've seen that video before in these pages.

Icehouse is eurotrash? Sounds pretty silly, huh? Pfft. I'm the boss on this boat, you can call me skipper. No soy marinero, soy capitan, bishes. I'm in charge and I order around the eurotrash. YES!

So what sports related vacation would you go on? Seriously, be creative. I want my mind blown.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

This is Sara Saco-Vertiz, who is now famous and semi-naked on the Internet for having a boyfriend who jumped out of the way when a foul ball came his way at an Astros game. Straight to the top, kids!

YES! It's time to blow this joint! I'm about to jump out of here and just start fucking shit up!

Just like this! WOO!


Boomshakala. And now, A sweet-ass rap song about Cincinnati's newest and best wide receiver.


Say what you want about Matthias, but I bet he's pretty fun to hang out with.


The Internet has not been kind to fat kids, that's for sure.


I posted this over on the Icehouse earlier this week, but it bears reposting in the fun bag.


When Serbia and Greece fight at the Acropolis, you can bet Nenad Krstic will throw a chair at your ass.


Ok. That's good for now, I think. Sweet sauce. Let's get funky.

GRH Fantasy League

(Click to set the mood)

You may wonder what this lovely artwork is doing on our website.

Well this is the portrait that resides on our private ESPN fantasy league front page.

I know what your thinking, and yes, I am a legend.

I went undefeated in fantasy football.

Against all odds I pulled off perfection, and now I have the privilege, nay, honor to open a bottle of champagne every time the last undefeated team loses in our league "Gamblingdogfightingsteroids"

Why is this relevant? Well first I think it's important that the world learns of my greatness. Secondly, I now present you the opportunity and honor to play me in fantasy football.

That's right it's GRH: The League

as always, the instructions are simple.

Log onto yahoo.

League ID=495695
Password=GRH

Now, if you've played with us before you know that we are pretty much open to anyone joining.

Don't know how to play, don't worry any mouthbreather can do it.

In fact last year we had a girl, who knew football, but first year playing absolutely beat the piss out of everyone week after week. I have no idea how she didn't win with the team she had.

Now, was she 14-0? No, but not many people are.

Second thing, and I really feel like I shouldn't have to address this, but the best part of fantasy is the team names.

Let's please keep them relevant and offensive as possible.

Lastly, don't worry about the draft right now, it will change numerous times and we'll keep you updated through the "hey what's up" announcements.

Thank You,

Steve "Mercury Morris" Lattimer

CFB Preview

#9 Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University

Offense T-Mobile, Darren Evans, Ryan Williams, Danny Coale, Boykin, DeChristopher

Defense LB Barquell Rivers, CB Rock Carmichael,ROV Davon Morgan

Special Teams Homerism aside, this is the only team that deserves special team accolades. Beamer is smart, in recent years teams have been shitting their pants over blocked kicks that he's started to focus on the return game with great results.

This concludes our analysis of special teams.

Initial thoughts Why don't we call a spade a spade just run the wing-t or singlewing?

Well Holy fucking shit, could the offense be the unit Hokie fans are looking forward to? Will they actually carry us through games? Is this the year we get an offense that actually compliments Bud Foster's defense? Not if Bryan Stinespring has anything to say about it.

I kid, but Stinespring has surely received remotes to his TV head from every VT fan in the world. But not this year, Stiney can't screw this up?

But honestly, the offense needs to roll this year. Everyone is all hot and bothered over the most bourbon backfield in the world. The 100 proof backfield of Evans and Williams. Which is fine, but we know Tech can run the ball, if there's anything Stiney is good at it's coordinating the running game and running power with 30 different variations. But the key will be Tyrod Taylor.

Tyrod made some huge strides last year especially in the TD/INT department. This isn't due to QB coach Mike O'Cain, but we can attribute that to maturity and the WR corps. Danny Coale is essentially a poor man's Jordan Shipley, and the likes of Boykin and Dyrell Roberts are home run threats. Personally I'll miss Sergio Render on the OL but DeChristopher should become the leader this year.

End of the day, Tech's offense is like a loaded gun. It could be really awesome, but as we learn in hunters' safety, never hand a loaded gun to an inexperienced handler.

Basically I'm worried Stinespring could take this magical thing and shoot us all in the nuts.

Like I always say about Tech's defense, it's not really a matter of if they'll be good, but the level of Bud Fosterness which they'll achieve.

But I get it, we only return 4, just hear me out.

DE's Friday and Drager have seen time on the field with the way Wiles rotates the DL. We have Graves, and evidently FR. DT Nick Acree is a manchild. Rivers is the returner at LB (he'll miss the Boise game, but Bruce Taylor is set to back him up and highly touted Jeron Gouvela-Wilson (JGW) will replace Cody Grimm at WHIP /single tear.

We have Davon Morgan at rover, and Carmichael should assume the boundry corner position.

What I'm trying to say is this.

That's Bud Foster wake surfing. We'll be fine.

Tech always tries to schedule at least one legit out of conference opponent. This year we start off with the giant killers from Boise and we have a home and home with Pitt and tOSU in coming years. Reason I mention this is to show that we aren't bitches and to illustrate the fine tradition VT has had in playing national champions early in the year.

2004 VT 13 USC 24 (in a game where I thought we got fucking hosed on some crucial calls. Icehouse can attest to this. I was in his dorm when this occurred)

2007 VT 7 LSU 48

2009 VT 24 Alabama 34

So there you go Boise. The MNC runs through Blacksburg. Unfortunately.

People ask me about the Boise game and honestly I have no fucking idea. This is the way of a Hokie fan. Sometimes we come out and just shit on people, other times we blow. Boise has 10 starters returning and this is essentially their conference championship game. Nobody is going to challenge them in the WAC so if they beat Tech they simply have to do their job, and as I've stated earlier, I think they've done enough to prove that they deserve a shot at the MNC.

But back to Tech. Assuming they don't royally fuck up, which is always a possibility, the key games will come in November. Tech hosts GT, and travels to UNC and Miami in consecutive weeks. They finish out the Month by hosting the fuckstains from Charolettesville in the annual VT-UVA Thanksgiving game for the Fuck you trophy.

Personally, I think Tech will lose one ACC game because the ACC is the most competitive conference in the world. By competitive I don't mean best, or bowl performance. Because teams dont win ACC championships, they simply become ACC champions through a complicated process of elimination.

But at the end of the day there are so many questions.

Does Tyrod become the QB we think he can be?

How exactly will Stinespring fuck this up?

How much do I love Ryan mother fucking Williams?

Can JGW fill the Grimm void?

How many times will I curse the TV?

Will we put together a good offensive AND defensive game?

Beamer: Awesomer or Awesomest?

Bud Foster Idol or Deity?

How many games will Musberger (Hokie cryptonite) announce?

Should I change my official VT bourbon from Wild Turkey to Evan Williams?

These are the questions I face every year.

Welcome to fucking Virginia Tech Football.

Look, you gots to stop calling

[Phone rings]

Hello? Oh hey, I've been meaning to get in touch with you. No, not that kind of 'touch' again.

Look Alana Blanchard, you gotta stop calling me. I don't care that you are "the hottest surfer in the world" according to Trans World Surf magazine.

Yeah, yeah. I know you have the best bottom turns in the business, but I've gotta life here with Julia, and you can't come between us. I've gotta concentrate on what I do, and you need to concentrate on what you do.

Exactly. You're one of the best young surfers in the world. You have your entire career ahead of you. You can't be falling for a guy like me. I mean, you just turned 20. Julia and I are already in our mid-to-late twenties. We're at that stage in our lives. You have entirely too much ahead of you to be... oh come-- come on, I didn't say that. OF COURSE I think you're mature! Don't go barreling out of control.

Look, we had a fun little fling, but it's not worth destroying what I've built with Julia Mancuso. Trust me, if we had met back before... well back before Lindsey Vonn, then we definitely would have been able to shoot the curl together many more times than just that one weekend.

Alana, there you ho again. You don't need to remove clothing for people to respect you. You're going to be a world champ regard... Alana. Alana, calm down. YES I find you beautiful, are you kidding? Yes, I want nothing more than to tear it up again, but life is more... will you let me finish? Life is about more than that! Listen, I'm going to hang up now. Yes. Yeah... Ok, bye bye now.

[Hangs up]

Yikes. That was rough.

[Phone rings]

[Icehouse answers]


Abbey Clancy: Icehouse, Robocrouch has been cheating on me with girls of the night! I need you. I need you like that one night...

Icehouse: Aw. shit.

Caption Contest!

Ok, everybody shut up. Here's this thing. Gotta do it quick.

First of all, the Texans are having fun at camp.


Next up, Tiger Woods loses his grip.


And finally, Keith Hernandez and Rodney Dangerfield.


Have fun!

I hope Joe Paterno rules the world one day

Well we know College football is right around the corner because we are starting to get Joe Paterno is a walking zombie columns.

Except this year it's a little different. This year instead of focusing on the QB issue, or if the crop of young linebackers can live up to the title of Linebacker U, we have fuckheads predicting when Joe Paterno will die.

It started off with the typical "Paterno looked old at Big Ten (11) media days" article, and now it's taken off into coffin bearing madness.

Everyone is referencing this article by Mike Gross' Lancaster Online article.

Now before I we begin, dear reader, let's put down the Leupold's and put things into a little perspective.

Lancaster Online covers Lancaster County PA.

Lancaster County is where Amish people live.

Sure, there are normal folk there, the Mennonite's (Amish Lite) produce fine pie safes, and the area is generally lovely minus the typical New Yorker who buys a farm and thinks they are "real,"

But the fact of the matter is that when you are a writer for the Lancaster newspaper the big news is Rumspringa and Albright football. So perhaps it would behoove a lowly Dutchman to

throw the cow over the fence some hay and stir up a little sauerkraut.

For those of you not verse in Pennsylvania Dutch that means "pissing in cheerios to get some page views."

So Gross writes the article. Fine. Lancaster will do terrible things to fine men. But this is a perfect example of why the internet sucks.

See because when one asshat writes a shitty article, bigger asses, with larger hats take that article and suddenly become experts on the subject.

Oh and they lose all sense of perspective and tact.

Go ahead and read this post.

In fact all you have to do is read the last line.

Epic ending Bro.

Oh but wait, there's more. The Duke Basketball of bloggers decides to chime in and...wait I'm getting something in my ear...yes Joe Paterno is in fact dying.

Ok I'm done, back to the main point.

Paterno has been doing this for years, and in the age of new gimmicks and coaching flip flops Joe Paterno has been the bedrock of college football.

It's funny when people ask me what Paterno does on the Penn State staff because I simply respond with "The same thing Mack Brown does for Texas."

I mean, we've come to the point where we are analyzing his mouth movement? Shit if I did a press conference people would think that I needed a colostomy bag.

In all honesty I have so many things to address. Age discrimination, douchebaggery, the single wing, program management, asshats, winningest D1 coach, doodling plays, etc.

But I'm tired of it.

I agree. Leave him alone, but not because he is on his death bed. No, it's because he's a great coach and he has a top 15 team that could challenge for a Big Ten (11) title.

Monday Morning Sh*t Storm

My roommate is a teacher. Which seems pretty awesome, because he gets summers off like the students. But unfortunately, it means he gets pretty broke in the summer until he finally gets a second job. This year, his second job was demolition. It was pretty sweet. He pretty much tore down an entire Pei Wei with his bare hands. The only shitty part was that he had to work from 9 pm until 9 am. I guess you can't destroy shit with the daywalkers.

So, the NFL's future is in doubt. They may lock out next season. It will be awful. And not just for us, but it's going to put thousands of people out of work. Many of these people are millionaires, so they'll be cool, but many will need to find an alternate source of income.

Brandon Marshall has an idea. He'll just go to the NBA. Well, he won't, but he thinks he is. And everybody's gotta have a dream.

So this got me thinking. What other occupations should NFL players take to make ends meet? Today's shit storm means you take an NFL player, and name what other job he would be good at. If you're going to say someone should play another sport, be specific with team/position/what they bring to the table. But let's try to think outside of the box. Ordinary nine-to-fives are preferred.

My selection is Brian Dawkins is a cowboy (If I can't see it in the NFL, I can imagine this). Basically, because I think Dawkins would be great at bulldogging a steer. He probably wouldn't even use a horse. He would just run up on a steer and wrestle that shit to the ground. I mean, think about it.

This...


doing this...


So yeah. Alternate careers for NFLers. Shit Storm go.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Marty B has a fake beard. That is all.

Fun bag. FUN BAG! Who's ready for the weekend?! YES!

First up, Rafael Nadal plays soccer with tennis balls. Impressive. I'd like him way more if he just would dress like a man. But he doesn't. What a dick.


I don't particularly like Karl Malone, but I gotta say that I like anybody giving Isiah Thomas 40 stitches.


Bill Dance is hilarious.


If you knew this guy, would you not try to fuck with him as much as possible? That has to be the best possible reaction to seeing an El Camino.


Not to self: Never enter into a dance competition with a member of the Bozworth clan.


Everybody in the world has already seen this, but it's summer, so that means it's time for some funky ass baseball plays.


Ok. Good. Let's get it.

WOO! FOOTBALL STARTS THIS WEEKEND!

Laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh. I totally fooled all of you.

But seriously, I am pretty excited about this. One of my favorite things to do is to wake up whenever I wake up on Saturdays, flip on the tube and PRESTO! A field. No commercials. A sport that is more interested in the process than the finality. It's wonderful for hangovers, or community service or any other reason you're awake before noon on Saturday.

ESPN2 will have the opening game of Manchester City v. Tottenham Hotspur at 7:45 am (EASTERN TIME! FUCK!) tomorrow. After that, American heroes Clint Dempsey (Fulham) and Tim Howard (Everton) will both be neglected by Fox Soccer Channel for Aston Villa v. West Ham United. Then at 12:30 pm everyone gets to see Chelsea against who cares.

Never fear, though. Liverpool and Arsenal break it down at 11 am on Sunday on Fox Soccer Channel. That's the barn burner.

So yeah. I'm pumped. It would be nice if you would be too. Let's see if we can ride the World Cup high and keep watching soccer. For fun, let's see in the comments section what you're excited to see this season. This post was all about the Premier League, but that doesn't mean that you can't say something about anything. Will Cristiano Ronaldo and Kaká ever find harmony together? Is Messi going to have an off year after a lackluster World Cup? Should we kill Peter Crouch and take Abbey Clancy?

WOOO! FRIDAY SOCCER SHIT STORM!

A Brief Discussion on the Last Night's Cardinals/Reds Fracas

Alright, everyone. Chill out. Calm down. Calm DOWN, got it? Okay. We're good.

Whew.

Things escalated quickly there, huh? Got out of hand pretty fast, eh? That was something.

Let's look at the events as they happened, starting with Monday afternoon:

• Brandon Phillips, Reds All-Star 2B, says in so many words he hates the Cardinals and their bitching.


• The national media, likely lurking beind Phillips' locker, transcribed these statements, delivering them directly to the Cardinals.


• Phillips, aware of the tension, attempts to do his customary complimentary tap of the catcher and umpire's respective shin guards.


• Yadier Molina - WITHOUT THE AID OF A TRANSLATOR - tells Phillips "I'm not your bitch." He kicks his bat away and stands face to face with Phillips on home plate like some sort of mangodthing.


• Initial escalation. Words are exchanged hautily.


• Tony LaRussa blames Dusty Baker for the scruffle. Both are ejected.


• Secondary escalation: Momentum seems to push an agitated Chris Carpenter, Cardinals co-ace, Scott Rolen, a former Cardinal and nice guy, and Jason LaRue toward the back gate. Video shows the Reds' starting pitcher Johnny Cueto running around the scrum, then getting himself pinned BY HIS OWN PLAYERS, and starts kicking.


• It is determined that Cueto, as most baseballers do, was wearing metal cleats while kicking, inserting said cleats into LaRue's face. No cleats were inserted to Cueto's OWN TEAMMATES' respective faces.

That's about it. Cards won the game, and Yadier hit a homer. That was neat.

THE VERDICT:


Don't talk shit, and none of this happens. If you talk shit, don't be friendly. Don't be a flipflopping shit-talker: The shit ends up in your mouth, son. Lesson learned.


Don't kick people after running into the scrum and getting pinned BY YOUR OWN PLAYERS. That's super-unprofressional. I don't know where you learned how to fight. Also, if you're big enough to kick someone in the face with metal spikes, be big enough to try and speak to the press without looking so scared while being translated. Made your catcher look like your attorney. Have some pride, man.


DB, I'm all for you defending your boy. But look at the tape first. "They had him pinned up pretty good like a rat in a corner." So the other rats pinned up the one rat and that one rat got so mad scared he starting kicking with his metal spikes? BOOSHMAIN. PS - The manager and the pitcher of the other team punked you out there. That's where you are in baseball. You could have stayed with the Cubs and done that, silly!


He already said this very well.

Caption Contest!

Aaaaand we're back. Time to have fun with some pictures.

First and foremost, Amar'e Stoudemire goes fishing in Montana.


Next up, surfing legend Kelly Slater tosses out the first pitch at a Dodgers game.


Finally, the Tim Tebow "Friar Tuck" in all of its glory.


Enjoy!

Is Central Florida our Little Buddy?

So Lattimer and I have settled on a Little Buddy for this year. Could it be the University of Central Florida? Well, let's see.

They were 8-5 last year. They prevailed over Rutgers in their bowl game. That alone is pretty funny, considering the Golden Knights beat the Scarlet Knights. It's like last year's bowl was held at Medieval Times, instead of that dump where the Devil Rays play.

They play a funky-ass Mid-American Conference schedule this year, basically playing a whole bunch of other potential Little Buddies, such as Houston, Eastern Carolina and Buffalo.

Furthermore, Coach George O'Leary seems to be alright by me. Regarding the magazine shoot above, he said, "Eh, it's not what I expected, but I don't think there's anything outlandish on the thing. I never saw the video."

Translation: A little T&A never hurt anyone.

So is UCF our Little Buddy? You'll just have to wait and find out.

Video via Deadspin

GRH Art Gallery: Family 1st Edition

[Press play]


Good evening. Welcome to the Ghost of Roy Hobbs Art Gallery. Today we feature an exhibit from one of the most enigmatic personalities of the world we occupy. We are fortunate enough to have obtained for the collection for the time being. Please. Move slowly, so as to best soak in the majesty and importance of each piece.

Oh, and don't forget to sign the visitor's book at the front desk. If you are interested, we have a very helpful e-newsletter that we... no? Ok, fine. Maybe later.

For now I give you the wonders of Ron Artest, unfiltered, unabashed, unhidden.


















Queensbridge, bitches.


FIN

Monday Morning S--t Storm

Well football has started, and do you know what that means?

Commercials, specifically the shortened down infomercial variety. While annoying, I think these things serve an actual purpose in society.
Observe

I'm sure you've all seen the shaker weight. No?

Now, everyone knows what this shaker weight really looks like and we snicker, BUT imagine your in a sports bar/party.

1. Somebody will scream OH MY GOD IT LOOKS LIKE THEy'RE JACKING OFF!!!
2. Somebody will admit to buying it and either praise/criticize the product.

Either way normal people now know to not associate with these people because, nobody likes a vulgar captain obvious. and you should never buy anything off of TV. Ever.

So for the Shit Storm give us the best infomercial ever.

My pick? This fucking thing.


Ok shit storm begin.

/Pours one out for Billy Mays.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Football, you are close. So. Very. Close.

By the way, doing an image search for "USC Cheerleaders" is a pretty awesome way to waste a LOT of time. What day is it? Friday? Awesome. It's fun bag time.

First of all, prepare to have your minds blown, mortals.

Dancing Pigeons - Ritalin from Blink on Vimeo.

Keeping with the music video theme, here's the most rock and roll kid in the universe.


I dance in the streets all the time and manage not to get hit by an ice cream truck. Furthermore, those things make all sorts of silly ass songs. How can you NOT notice them coming?


This policeman better beware. Technoviking might just show up to fuck his law and order up.


Wow, Georgia. Wow.


And finally, Rave Dog.

As an aside, I found someone posting Rave Dog on their site, under the pretext that he is excited that Cesc Fabregas will be staying with Arsenal for the time being (suck shit, Barca!). Not only am I in favor of that, but their site is also hilariously named "Who Ate All The Pies?"

That's it. Let's get out of here. Anyone else want to go sailing?

CFB Preview

(Yes Joe Paterno is the most intentionally funniest in that video)

#10- The Big Ten (11) Conglomerate

We usually do one team in these slots, but when I look at the top ten it would be wrong to not mention the following three teams, yet at the same time none of them really deserve that spot. If that makes any sense whatsoever.

Penn State

Iowa

Wisconsin

The Big Ten (11) is a little different this year. Usually we have two teams who are sure to finish 1-2 (in some years one, or both vying for the MNC) with a third team as the darkhorse. These teams were usually the big 3 in tOSU, UM, and PSU (minus the early 2000's) Every once and a while you'd see a team like Wisconsin, or Illinois, but for the most part things remained status quo. This year is slightly different. tOSU is clearly the favorite yet we have 3 teams who could A. Challenge for the title B. Be a darkhorse for a BCS bid. So in my opinion the Big Ten (11) should have one of its deeper years.

Yet, everyone still hates what is now becoming the most influential conference in College Sports. I hit the streets (of Gchat) to find out what the people think.

Zack Stovall-

The Big Ten? More like the Big Douche Nozzles!

Icehouse-

have fun eating corn with nebraska you boring, worthless motherfuckers
Tate Forcier was the most exciting player in that conference last year, and doesn't even have the starting job anymore. Why? because somebody else works harder than him in practice. Real flavorful, Michigan.

The HATE

On to our First team Penn State.


The loss of Daryl Clark means that So. Kevin Newsome will have to get on task training very quickly and Evan Royster will have to do everything. Not really, but that should be the game plan. It's actually not all that bad on offense. Newsome is a similar QB to Clark and he hails from the VA Beach area that gave us greats like Mike Vick, Allen Iverson, Ronald Curry, Marcus Vick, and Tyrod Taylor. Old State also returns 4 on the OL and their entire WR core. So yeah, you got all the pieces Newsome, no pressure buddy.

The defense is on of those units that is always good it just depends how over extended cowboy collaring they can be. They only return 5 but the HERO Sukay is key. Plus the next class of Linebacker U is coming up with the latest graduates including Stupar, who saw a significant amount of PT and Matui who everyone has been high on for a while.

Looking at the schedule they have several big games. First they play the defending champions in Tuscaloosa on Sep 11, then they travel to Iowa on Oct 2, then travel to Columbus on Nov 13. So all three big games on the road. But the Iowa game is important. PSU has history of pulling crazy shit against Alabama and Ohio State, but not Iowa. No Iowa has pwnd Penn State in recent years. In fact I think that's all they do. Grow corn and beat Penn State.

Realistically we're looking at a 3 loss team who will get a trip to the Capital one bowl to face a SEC team. Yay!!!

Next Wisconsin


You might be asking yourself why Wisconsin? And I said the same thing, but let's just look at the facts. 10 returners on offense 10 a fucking 10. the only position they are replacing is fullback...FULLBACK. Wisconsin doesn't recruit fullbacks, they spawn them in the secret Barry Alvarez Memorial Backfield Cloning and Genetic Research Lab. TB John Clay is one of these clones, yet I feel like he's undersized for a Wisconsin back at only 6'1 248. SR. QB Tolzien (who is ranked number 1 on my draft board for handing off) should follow in the rich tradition of Wisconsin QB's by throwing quick slants and play action bombs 15-20 times a game. The returning OL all seem like squareheads and the smallest one is 312 lbs. At WR they have one huge guy, and one small guy. Alvarez is pleased.

The defense returns 6 and the new faces are young, but they aren't slouches. DT's Kohout and Butrym both rank inside the top 40 at their position and LB Mike Taylor is inside the top 100. But let's be honest here. Doeren and Bielema are going to put together a solid unit that won't screw up the Offense's chance to run another form of power.

The early portion of the schedule is insanely easy for the Badgers. The only test comes in the form of ASU in Camp-Randall, but October could be rough. In consecutive weeks they play their rival, Minnesota, tOSU, and at Iowa. So hey 2 losses isn't out of the picture. At the end of the day, this is just a better version of the Wisconsin teams we have come to know and love. And say what you want about the spread or any other system, but considering Wisconsin isn't really a hotbed of football talent it seems that this system that Alvarez started, and Bielema continues is working.

Last, Iowa


Did you know Nile Kinnick played at Iowa? Me neither, they should really advertise that more. (I kid, Kinnick was a badass)

Every year, we hear about Iowa being a darkhorse for the Big 10 (11) and possibly a MNC. Every Year we hear how great Kirk Frentz is. Every. Fucking. Year. This disturbs me because this causes Iowa fans to read into these predictions which then follows with them going through the schedule saying "Yep, should beat them, yep, yep, yep, Oh Ohio State? Well hey you never know, yep, yep, yep. Well hey we should be undefeated" I shit you not I had an Iowa fan tell me that they could be the #1 team. Key word COULD. how did he come to this conclusion? The same exact logic. "Well that Northwestern game was a fluke and that Ohio State game went to OT, so you know we could probably beat Texas and Alabama." Now, we're hearing this even more because they manhandled GT in last year's ACC slaughter Bowl Orange Bowl.

The offense returns 6. Hey the QB and RB are back!!!
This concludes our analysis of Iowa offensive football.

But honestly everyone knows Iowa lives and dies with it's defense. There aren't many things I like about Iowa (State and football teams) but I will say that Norm Parker is one of them. For years he's put together defenses that are so mind numbingly simple it allows his players to play fast and aggressive on the field without the need for blue chip talent. This year the Hawkeyes return 8 Led by DE Adrian Clayborn (Repping the Lou) DT Ballard, and LB Jeremiha Hunter. So yes, the defense will be good.

The schedule isn't too crazy, they travel to Arizona early and like I said the ritual sacrifice of PSU commences Oct 2 after that they get Wisconsin at home the 23rd and Ohio State on Nov 20th. I refuse to act like an Iowa fan in this situation and go through the schedule looking at potential wins or losses. I encourage you to do the same.

Looking at these three teams there aren't a lot separating them, which is why I felt that I needed to include all three. If you want to pick one to be a possible BCS/Rose bowl pick it has to be Iowa. They are an experienced team with a solid defense, and yes, even guys like Ricky Stanzi and Adam Robinson can contribute. But it should be fun this year because we don't have the big 3 running the show, and looking down the road with the addition of Nebraska The Big 10 (12) could be the deepest (not best) conference in the nation (If they aren't already)The other factor is Michigan in what is certainly a make or break year for RichRod. Last year they showed glimpses of brilliance and at other times they looked down right Notre Dameish. Two things, Michigan could make a run and really shit in some cheerios OR thay fall flat, RichRod gets canned, and (gasp) Ferentz takes the higher profile job at Michigan.

But this is all irrelevant to our readership because you'll just make fun of them anyway

Obligatory Boog-Internet-Meme Offering

LET'S GO BOOG!

China's newest prospect.

Well, it looks like he's enormous, but he'll have to wait until at least 2015 before he can get drafted.

Favre 'em if they can't take a joke.

Oh man. Oh man. Oh man.

It's about to get dirty.

What's it going to be? Well, some sort of sex scandal, with cell phones involved, by the looks of it. This is good on so many levels.

First of all, Brett Favre has become one of the more hated personalities in sports, purely due to his behavior over the past two offseasons. Unfortunately, only the football-inclined Americans cared. Other folks, like Peter King readers and the women of Oprah nation, for instance, still see him as a clean-cut loving husband who plays football with his buddies in rural America.

Whatever this is, no matter how outlandish, will sully at least that. I'm not saying this will be something on par with Tiger Woods (get it), but it'll at least be worth it seeing the looks on peoples faces when they ask me what I think about the whole ordeal.

But in reality, I see two positives coming out of this awful, hopefully stomach-wrenching situation.

FIRST AND FOREMOST! Forget about the Favrellatio that happened the last two years. Favre isn't going to be having people over to his house to kiss his ass. Fewer teams already are sick of his will he/won't he bullshit. This is going to take many of his bargaining chips off the table.

SECONDLY! Way to actually show some gumption, tricks. That's right, I'm talking to the hos, the skanks, the tricks, the scallawags, the sluts, the gold-diggers, and the rest of them. I'm sick of how you've been going after athletes. So far, it's been one of two paths: Either the richest black guy with the most sponsorship coin (Jordan, Kobe, Tiger); or the grossest or sleaziest dude you can throw yourselves at.

Nobody had any illusion that Rick Pitino's greasy ass will fuck around. Big Ben is ugly enough to where he probably had to take it by force when he wasn't rich and famous.

But Brett Favre? I salute you, mystery accuser. You're probably lying and just a tramp that wants money and fame, but I'm glad that you at least bucked the trend and are going after the top dog.

UPDATE! Her name is Jenn Sterger, and Brett Favre sent her pictures of his penis as a member of the Jets. In 2008. Not QUITE as awful and demeaning, but. You know how these things go. The first allegation is just the smallest one. Just a foot in the door, opening up the man's image for all the crazies to come out of the woodwork. Chop chop, bitches!

Brillaince is using your fade as a canvas

This amazing infographic from howtowatchsports gives the complete rundown of the different hairstyles sported by Ron Ron during the Los Angeles Lakers championship season. Now they need to put out a book of Dennis Rodman's career.

I would just like to take the remaining space to mention that without Ron Artest,* Kobe Bryant would never have one another championship.

*'Ron Artest' may be substituted by any other member of the Laker organization. It's a team sport when you go 6-24 in game 7, homeboy.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

Here at GRH we like to give back to the community.

For example we...

Our new project this year is to bring our fansanity to college football programs in need.

Think about how many times do you watch a college football game and think, if only MTSU had some real fans they would be marginally respectable. That's where we come in.

Every once and a while we're going to adopt a football team to be our little buddy. We were going to pick one team for the entire year, but the only team we could think of was Marshall, and to be honest Marshall doesn't really need our help.

So what we need from you are some suggestions.

1. We;re looking for teams that are not only underdogs, but are also horrible on the athletic front in general.
2. We want teams with a slight chance of winning
3. Game(s) have to be televised
4. We will root for larger teams IF that team has a legitimate chance of destrying the BCS supercomputer
5. Naturally, there will be black lists

So that's it, not too structured but we'll give it a try.