Monday, January 31, 2011

The Replacements is a Horrible Movie.

The offseason is quickly upon us and the impending CBA negotioation may mean no Sunday football for a while. Regardless, we all have more time for Sunday TV movies, and we'll attempt to give you our take on the greatest (or worst) sports movies.

I've been meaning to write this a while, but The Replacements is just a horrible horrible movie. There are a lot of bad movies out there, and it wouldn't bother me as much if everyone didn't act like this is the funniest thing known to sports comedy. But what really chaps my ass is that this cinematic shit is blatant plagerism, taken from One of the greatest sports comedies of all time. Necessary Roughness. (along with many others)

Let's examine the story lines.

Necessary Roughness (1991) With the Texas State Fightin' Armadillos facing NCAA sanctions, Newly hired Coach, Ed Gennero, must put together a rag tag group of players in order to compete in NCAA football. Using his old school tactics, along with some creativity, Gennero shows the players and the school the true meaning of the game and how to play with pride.

The Replacements (2000) Following the Professional league lockout, newly hired coach, Jimmy McGinty must form a rag tag group of replacement players in order to compete in professional football. Using his old school tactics, along with some creativity, McGinty teaches his players, and fans, the true meaning of the game and playing with pride.

(Looks like they stole the Rudy music too)

As you can tell in both movies the main character is the QB, as with most football movies. In Necessary roughness assistant coach Wally Rig (Robert Loggia) uses his old recruiting contacts to find Paul Blake (Scott Bakula) a 30 year old who turned down a scholarship offer to Penn State, in order to take care of his family ranch.

In the Replacements, McGinty (Gene Hackman) uses his contacts to find 30 something QB, Shane Falco (Keanu Reeves) who is working as a barnacle scrubber in some marina. Evidently Falco couldn't hack it in the pros because he got beaten up by Florida State in the Sugar bowl. Which is the worst excuse ever.

Each team in a football comedy needs a strong coaching staff to lead the group of misfits to victory. In Necessary roughness Coach Gennero and Rig combine a perfect compliment to each other. Gennero with the discipline and organization, and Rig with the folksy one liners and football knowledge/experience.

In the replacements It's all about McGinty, who seems to be a hodge podge of Bear Bryant, Tom Landry, and Hank Stram. (A fedora hat is sooooooo unique and creative) The assistant coaches are basically non-existent and are only there to reveal the "genius" of coach McGinty. That's not really a comparison, it's just to show that Necessary Roughness is much much better.

Back to the comparisons.

Offensive Line: TSU's offensive line is baller. First they have Sinbad, who is hilarious in that movie, they have the twins in the form of Olaf and Ignor Knudson. THEN they have Manumana the slender (who forms a relationship with the kicker and completely destroys the Kansas player). Finally, and this is a key to a good football movie. They have Wyatt Beaudry, a Tackle who plays games with a giant chaw in his mouth, and drinks beers like its going out of style. Who is this character played by? You guessed it. Andrew Bryniarski, the greatest football actor of our generation. Following this break out role he would go on to play Madman Kelly, in any given Sunday, and yes, Steve Lattimer in The Program.

The Sentinals only had three OL that they focused on. Who were they? Twin brothers and a fat Asian who ends up befriending the kicker. If the Sumo/Manumana connection doesn't do it for you, just look at the fat Asian kid on Little Giants. In fact that Sumo wrestler is really just a hodgepodge of characters. Remember when he yaks all over the field. That's like Zoltec farting in The Little Giants.

TSU's WR featherstone (Duane Davis who also played Alvin Mack) was an interesting character. He was a fast guy who beat anyone, but he couldn't catch the ball.

The Sentinals, Had that dumbass 7 up guy who, you guessed it, could run past anyone but not catch anything. Honestly, they just stopped trying to be creative at this point.

(Note: I give a break to the kid from little giants because the stick em scene was hilarious and he used toilet paper to overcome his lack of ability)

Now, at this point people usually explain to me that no other movie had a deaf TE. Which is true, I will give The Replacements credit for that. But here's my thing. Why the hell is he a replacement player? Because he's deaf? That guy is awesome, he was like their entire offense and you're telling me NOBODY wanted him? Hey, we use signals in football, he can get the snap in his periphery. It's not realistic.

Defense: The main defender for TSU is Samurai Hanson. A slightly unstable MLB who brought us the best scene in a football movie ever, after he proceded to go Bruce Lee on the dillo's arch rival The Texas Colts.

The Sentinals had Jon Favreau. A crazy ex cop, how unique.

Let's go ahead and rank crazy MLB's in football movies. Herp derp derp, he tackled the cheerleaders, herp derp, he got the football. Makes me sick. plus that whole "I got the ball scene" is essentially taken from Lattimer's "looks like you lost your bonnet" which is much more intense.


Let's go ahead and rank Crazy LB's in sports movies
1. Alvin Mack
2. Shark
3. Spike
4. Samurai
100. Jon Favreau.

Other similarities include getting in a barfight, where both QB's try to calm the situation down. Except TSU didnt go into a stupid dance routine. Getting a soccer player for a kicker (Kathy Ireland > English guy) Using players from other sports. (Coach Genneto used an Aussie rules player) The list goes on.

Now, copying the greatest football comedy isn't what makes The Replacements, a horrible movie. What makes the replacements a horrible movie is the cheesy jokes, the stupid characters, Gene Hackman, and the fact that it tries to be a serious film and a comedy at the same time.

I hate it so much

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Monday Morning S--t Storm

It seems that some witty bar made a LOL on the behalf of Lindsay Lohan, which got me thinking.

Athletes need their own cocktails. It almost makes too much sense. So for this shit storm, we're going to make our own little athlete coacktail menu. I'll kick it off with the signature drink.

The Lawrence Taylor.

12 ounce tumbler
12 ounces Jack Daniels whiskey.
Rim glass with Cocaine.

Note: Can be served on the rocks, if the rocks are crack rocks.

God this is awesome, I can't wait to open my athlete themed cocktail bar.

Who's with me? Cmon hoooo!

Friday, January 28, 2011

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

WOO! Kevin Love is awesome and Snoop is a sell out Steelers fan.

Yes. YES. Tomorrow is the first day I'll be able to sleep in since Sunday, January 16. So you know. We gon drank.

Kevin Love wants that All-Star bid so bad, he'll go viral for it. He also deserves it, but All-Star voting is retarded, and just looking at the numbers is enough to make your head explode.

I thought about posting this picture, and leaving it as the only thing for the fun bag. Because completely out of context, it's nothing short of phenomenal.

POVs are always fun.

Zack Follett is delightfully insane. Everything seems to be going well, right up until Satan shows up. Don't trip off that lust spot.

Zack Follett - Response to my comments made from zack follett on Vimeo.

Repeat, Zack Follett is delightfully insane. This time with actual Lions!

Cat Haven Lions cage - Zack Follett from zack follett on Vimeo.

Mike Modano's day goes from bad to worse. Just watch until the end.

And now we have the latest installation of Lattimer's favorite meme: Guile Theme Goes With Everything.

The greatest athletic tournament that exists is this weekend. That's right, the Royal Rumble.

And finally, for your reference, who has all the sweet seats at the Staples Center for Lakers games.

Which reminds me, what kind of dog food do you think the hospitality folks provide for Khloe Kardashian?

Thursday, January 27, 2011

What Lattimer and Zack Would Give To Albert Pujols To Stay In St. Louis

So The Onion's SportsDome has already explored a subject Mr. Lattimer and myself have discussed at great length: what we, were we to own the Cardinals, would give Albert Pujols in return for him to stay in St. Louis and continue to play for our beloved and aforementioned Cardinals.

There's been much ado on the subject as of late. The formidable task of finding enough dollars to pay the slugger's expected price tag is leading many to believe such a task cannot be fulfilled by the Cardinals' front office and should not even be attempted as "No player is bigger than Cardinal nation."

"Quite true," Lattimer and I would politely retort. "However, that's retarded. JUST SIGN THE BEST BASEBALL PLAYER IN THE LEAGUE RIGHT NOW AND POSSIBLY FOR ALL TIME AND BE THANKFUL YOU GOT HIM." The last part isn't polite, but it would be about as polite as we could muster.

So we've compiled a list of things we would personally assure Mr. Pujols to have upon his signature. Let's just say the list is infinite, but we've decieded to highlight some of the splendors of this vast, imaginary wealth Mr. Lattimer and I have procured creating high-speed trains that have tracks like rollercoasters, and trees that grow candy bars. The list is as follows, yet is not limited to:
  • Free Toasted Ravioli, a St. Louis culinary special, For Life

  • Secret Hombre Cave under the brewery so he and Yadi can hang out

  • 24/7 Pilot and Plane

  • Official language of the Cardinals, Busch Stadium, et al will be Spanish

  • Newly-Acquired Nick Punto will have to carry his bags everywhere

  • Tony LaRussa promises not to talk to him

  • Big Mac land annexed, turned into Albertville

  • Giant, 632-foot statue placed in between legs of the Arch

  • Selects every other player's (including away team player's) at-bat songs

  • Free oil changes from any St. Louis City or County Midas

  • Fred bird will drive him to homplate, first base, and around the bases on home runs in his sports car, also applying to the Greater St. Louis area

  • Unprohibited use of T-shirt air cannon

  • Can have specially designed uniform of his own choosing; team will pay any and all league fines.

  • Latin cuisine night at Busch...every night

  • Nobody can have the number five in their number at all;15, 25, 35, 45, all of the fifties, 65, 75, 85, and 95. All out.

  • Rams and Blues will change their names to the Alberts and Pujols, respectively

  • Heck, just give him both teams, because who cares?

  • Everyone has to shave their heads, except for Yadi

  • A $100 gift certificate to the Cheesecake Factory, awarded annually

  • No beardwidth thicker than 3mm

  • Throne in dugout

  • Free tote bag (BUT AN AWESOME TOTEBAG)

  • Open season to kill as many Fred Birds as he sees fit in or around the Greater St. Louis Area

  • Archbishop's personal cell phone number on speed dial

  • Free reign of David Freese's social life

  • Honorary Doctrate from Washington University in St. Louis

  • Honorary Doctrate from Washington University in St. Louis - School of Medicine

  • One hour before and after every game to preach on the Gospel

  • Chris Carpenter's Cy Young Award

  • Can throw as many honorary first pitches as he wants, whenever he wants

  • Full dental coverage, on the house

  • Memphis Redbirds. All of it.

  • Free passes to Grant's Farm, Six Flags, and the Missouri Botanical Garden

  • Third World Countries Pujols would normally travel to on mission trips are instead shipped to him

  • His own personal ballboy, rather than use the team's ballboy

  • A team of genetic theorists and scientists and their assurance to create whatever mythical creature he should ever demand

  • As many bats as he wants

  • $11 billion dollars

  • Conductor for all school-aged singers of the National Anthem or Take Me Out To The BallGame

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Let's Just Take a Step Back on The Iowa Situation

As most of you have heard 13 Iowa football players have been hospitalized due to Rhabdomyolysis. Go ahead and read the wiki link, but you get this jist. Muscle fibers tear releasing toxins into the blood, which can then cause kidney and liver failure.

Thankfully, they all seem to be in stable condition.

If you want to do more reading Crossfit has a quick article on the risks and factors leading to Rhabdo, as it is a concern in their intense workouts.

(Crossfit's official Rhabdo mascot.)

It's good during these situations to sit back and let things play out and hear opinions from professionals who actually know what they're talking about. (Iowa and doctors haven't said much)

Unfortunately I like to read and wait to see what experts say and inform myself on issues surrounding the situation, but CBS sports Dennis Dodd doesn't, and he's here to save the day!!!

First, I guess the title 'The killing field" would have been a little over the top?

Now, I'm not defending what Iowa did, making someone squat #240 for 100 is fairly dumb. Nor do I think psychotic workouts are a smart way to build toughness.

However, I do have a problem with insinuating coaches try to kill players in the offseason, and that this is some isolated case ONLY brought on by the intense physical activity.

As you can tell Rhabdo is a threat to all athletes, especially endurance athletes like marathoners and triathletes. However, Rhabdo has affected a surprisingly diverse array of activities. Including:

-Ultimate Frisbee
-A guy doing curls
-Mechanical Bull Riding
-Conga Drumming
-A prison hazing ritual requiring a man to move chess pieces with his ass

Dodd would also lead you to believe that this is an isolated incident. (In the sense that it happened with football to a number of individuals.) But it has happened to 24 High School Football players in Oregon.

Now, I think it's pretty clear that the physical activity had a lot to do with it, but there are other factors.

If you read the Times article, a diagnostic of Rhabdo is increased levels of creatine, which is why those doctors wanted to see if the players were taking creatine.

Dehydration can also attribute to Rhabdo which is why the Iowa doctor referenced Diarrhea.

Again, I'm going to let the doctors tell me what went wrong instead of hoping a conclusion will come true so I can continue grinding my axe against a coach.

I agree with Dodd's premise that something needs to change, but blaming it on culture, and calling it the killing season? Seems a little disingenuous and a cry for page views.

I mean someone is going to read that and think CFB coaches are now currently running every kid through some insane torture workout where they have no concern of players well being. (Rhabdo signs usually come after workouts)

I just wish when something horrible like this happens people woudln't assume the sky is falling and everyone is evil. Instead why don't we focus on practicle solutions like a training staff seperate from the school who can step in and stop workouts, without fear of losing their job or pissing off the coach. Increased emphasis on hydration, and supplement education?

I'll leave it to the experts.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Ways To Make Zack Like Basketball: Make Players Good Looking and Then Throw Them Through The Air

This is an ongoing series throughout what, for me, is the worst period of time in sports. Baseball is a few months away, and football is as good as dead until the fall. And it's all because, no matter how much I try (AND BELIEVE YOU ME I TRY A LOT) I just can't watch, like, enjoy, get behind, or generally stand basketball. I'll watch a Blake Griffin dunk, or a last second Rudy Gay buzzer-beater, or LeBron do anything. But, and nothing against basketball or any of its fine fans, this time of year is a real struggle for me to get through. Feel my pain, and bear with me, as I try to show room for the game's improvement.

Make The Players Better Looking, Then Throw Them Through The Air

If there's anything I don't like watching, it's men sweating as they perform feats of athletic prowess. The speed. The dexterity. The muscular definition. I've got none of that. I somewhat famously pulled a muscle or broke a rib sneezing. That's a bodily function. I didn't hurt it doing anything as athletic as Phil Jackson does on the bench coaching, and he's like 119 years old or something (THERE'S SOMETHING TO THAT ZEN, KIDS). Seeing all these guys, you know, moving well puts me in a bad mood. Plus, I'm not tall at all. All of those guys in the NBA? They're really freaking tall, which is why most of them got into basketball in the first place. Steve Nash is supposed to be short, and he's like 6'2" or something. Baseball? Prince Fielder is good at it and he's so fat, he'd float in most bodies of water, and that's AWESOME. Humans don't play football anymore, it's steroid-fueled creatures of Frankenstein and those dancing robots Fox has that are really playing under those pads and jerseys.

In order for me to tune in to college or NBA hoops, I'm going want to look at the players. And you know who I like looking at? Pretty women. Fill the NBA with gorgeous women running up and down the court, sweating, and fouling each other. That way when I watch them, I'm going to want to keep watching them play all of the basketball things that I don't understand. You want to know why all of those late night channels run ads with voluptuous women talking on phones? Because people like watching them do things, like talk on the phone and demand money. I'd wager a lot more people will enjoy watching them do whatever it is that people who play basketball do.

Also, other people should be allowed to throw the now good-looking basketball players through the air to make plays. And a lot of plays, too, like mid-air passes, throwing a person into a dunk, and imagine the midcourt buzzer beaters! In the NFL, there are rules forbidding players to use other players to levitate themselves. If there are any of those rules in the NBA, we should get rid of them. That way, players could get thrown through the air, simulating the same - IF NOT MORE - type of high-flying antics that NBA fans already enjoy. People already don't like the WNBA because nobody's flying around, and even if they did, well, now we're just back to the original problem with the NBA. My advice is to make sure that the good-looking players are flying around.

Plus, people getting thrown through the air is just cool. I believe everyone here knows my stance on the necessity of a return to an Era of Catapults.

That would make me watch some more basketball. 66 days until MLB opening day, by the way.

(Originally published on Zack Gets Down, a neat website you should all check out.)

A Message to the Aspiring College Rap/Pop Artists

I wrote to you previously highlighting the history of college fan/rap videos. I still stand by my suggestion that you should not try to make one. It's kinda like Atreyu in The Neverending Story where he has to pass that gate with the giant wing statue things. You know, the ones that will blast all the warriors with lasers only if they are pure of heart. They all end up dying, and that one guy laughs at him.

Making a fan rap video is kind of like that, only for the pure of heart.

It seems, however that my message is not getting through, so in the interest of the kids, I'll show you some good examples of fan rap videos and why others fail. Think of it about the safe sex education in schools. If you're going to get fucked, use a condom.

First let me start off by showing what I think is the standard for fan/college inspired videos.

Again, when we look at this video we see humor, random scenes (the key dropping) and some pretty funny lines.

(What we got?)

Daniel Boone mother fucker and his shiny ass feet
Upper Powell mother fucker get you something to eat
We got dorms mother fucker, get a sweet ass suite
Eastern, mother fucker, its a fucking treat

And again, it pokes fun at the school while still showing its endearing qualities. Good job Eastern Kentucky.

Here's a fan favorite from BYU. As you can see here these girls are being brutally honest about the situation In Provo. They aren't trying to be hardcore, or explain how cool it is, just singing a catchy tune. That and the machete wielding roller blade girl, she gets me every time.

Finally we have the pinnacle of fan rap videos. As you can tell the key feature in this video is that it's performed by Uncle Luke. An actual rapper. With actual talent. "But Lattimer, what if a rapper won't make a song about my school? What then?" I understand your concern and my advice to you is to make your school rap worthy. How? Ask yourself, do you have machete wielding hatians near your campus? What about major Drug dealers? (ideally cocaine) Does your football team do things depicted in the film above? If the answer is no, then your school is not worthy.

Ok on to the new examples of how not to make a fan rap video.


I would put this in what I like to call the "anthem class." It's something that "Notti boy" hopes will be played by all Hawkeye fans and maybe even in Kinnick Stadium before home games. I'll give him credit for the actual performance, and the unintentional comedy. Yet I know Notti Boy truly trying to make Iowa look hardcore, and in the end that loses points in my book. That and rapping on an overpass. Don't do that. Oh and don't look constipated when you make it rain.

Here we have another anthem from tOSU. A lot of things wrong here. I believe the guy is a huge Buckeye fan, and he truly does like the marching band. However, the lyrics/beat are all off.

A long time ago back in the day a school was needed to pave the way to show the rest what it means to be great...1870 Ohio State

That just won't cut it. I also have issues with the red Pontiac, as well as the one shot where another cameraman is in the picture. I would also avoid boom boxes.

The Tucker Max/Asher Roth Phenomenon

This comes from probably our worst offender of fan rap videos, The University of Missouri. Or as the cool kids call it, "The Zou." I know tons of kids who attended Mizzou and I swear they aren't all assholes, go ahead and youtube "Mizzou rap" and you'll see more fine examples. It's not their fault though, it's just that Missouri as a state has an inferiority complex (surrounded by 8 others)and they try to be really cool and hip, but sometimes they just try too hard.

Now here's the thing. And to be honest it's a theme in all of these videos. Generally speaking College is fun. And generally speaking there are awesome parties everywhere. Sure, you have your Bob Jones' who cant have TV in their rooms because TV is the Devil. But, we all have stories, we all did stupid things, and there are whore-slayers everywhere. We get it. College is awesome and so are you. Get over it and move on.

(Insert color) and (Insert color)

Update: HERP A DERP LATTIMER DOESN'T KNOW RAP. THE ORIGINAL SONG IS HERE. I still stand by my Canadian argument

Here we have "White and Purple" an anthem from Western Ontario. Here's a response from Guelph. In fact if you youtube that video there seems to be a lot of school song battles our there. I guess the game the same, just got more fierce. Now this video has a nice beat, decent lyrics, but it just won't work out. First, as a hinted to earlier, I understand you love your college and you want people to think its super cool. However, at the end of the day most colleges are super cool. You get to go to a place which is summer camp on steroids. There is little to no adult supervision, and you are surrounded by peers who also want to drink some beers and tell some lies. It's not unique, it's just a process.

Secondly, this is from Canada. Flavor and Canada don't mix. Plus, if you want to throw a football on video at least look like you've done it before. And REALLY, not everyone is good looking at your school.

However, I will give the mustangs credit. It's somewhat funny (flag guy) and the production value is well above other videos. They say imitation is the best form of flattery, and white and purple spawned other college rap songs. Which are literally the same thing.

I personally think this is busch league. I mean, that song is pretty stupid so it says a lot about your character and school to promote a blatant rip off. Plus it's a blatant violation of the various HONOR CODES put forth by prestigious colleges and universities.

Now, this may surprise you but I'm not in the rap game. I decided to ask GRH rap game correspondent, and close friend, Suge Knight about how his industry would react to someone ripping off a song.

Take it away Suge.

Suge Knight: THEY GET GOT

Thanks Suge!!!

/Hugs it out
//Fist bump
///Tells him we'll get the thing he was talking about done.
////Tells him it'll be clean, no loose strings.

Anyway here are the offending parties.

Here's Chet Haze, son of Tom Hanks. I mean, I just.....Come on Tom, what the hell happened? At least change SOMETHING!!!

That came out a couple weeks ago, then we had to get another version from the fine people in Lawrence Kansas.

Ahh changing it to red and blue. Very subtle KU That's why KU students are so smart and full of themselves. They take an opus like white and purple and change the colors to match their own. Bravissimo.


Really? Ripping a Canadian college rap is what passes for art these days? Say what you want about those shitty Mizzou raps, but at least they are original.

First, It's well documented that all the hot girls at KU come from Missouri, so I think "Those Kansas girls make you say oh my god" is somewhat deceiving.

Second, you don't "put it down on the court" because you aren't on the basketball team, and I just want the KU faithful to realize that lording the basketball team over everyone makes you seem like Duke Midwest.

Finally, I know that every Jayhawk will think that this is super cool and original, while denying that it was blatantly stolen from a Canadian University. Again, Canada. This is what happens when a giant smug cloud covers your campus. Plus rock chalk Jayhawk sounds like a cult ritual.

To summarize, I emplore all the kids out there to think before they rap. If you have to do it, make it funny. Is that too much to ask? Do that or just hire a rapper to do it.

Nobody cares about your school, or your parties, unless their cool. In which case totally tell me about it bro.

(Yes at some point we'll have a rap video from our Alma Matter, and yes I am anticipating the release of black and gold from Mizzou)

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Monday Morning S--t Storm

This may just be me....

But if I had a chance to play in the NFC championship I'd do my best to play regardless of how my knee hurts.

So the storm is the best wussie performances of all time.

Or if you want to be positive about things you can also talk about the toughest performances of all time. Like Jack Youngblood who played onagoddamnbrokenlegyoufuckingpussynowihavetowatchapackerssteelerssuperbowl.


Friday, January 21, 2011

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Another fun bag for yous guys. BACK OFF OR I'LL FIGHT YOU!

Get 'em, Mac.

So yeah. Icehouse has to go to a work conference this weekend. That means that this Saturday and Sunday is essentially ONE BIGASS WEDNESDAY for him. Fuck.

So let's kick this pig.

Here we have a friend of commenter Brian and myself, Trevyn Newpher (in the blue), kickin' ass in Whistler.

Utah Jazz Bear vs. Some Cavs Fan. WHO YA GOT?

This video is all over the Internet. So that means you get it here too.

Nate Robinson is better at makes burritos the same way he runs the point: Sloppily, with a lot of talk.

And to round out this week: Another person that Ochocinco knows that I only wish that I knew.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Caption Contest: Young LeBron Cracks Wise

This picture should spawn a whole lot of better comments besides this one. I hope that many of you come up with some of them.


Tuesday, January 18, 2011

George Karl and J.R. Smith

George Karl: Hey, J.R.

J.R. Smith: What's good, coach.

Karl: I want you to watch something. Basically, Carmelo's already checked out and is just padding his stats so that more teams want him. I'm going to need you to do more.

Smith: More threes?

Karl: No, that's... that's definitely not it. Let's work on your passing

That's Chauncey's thing. I don't wanna.

Karl: I know, I know, but it doesn't have to be something you hate. Check out what Andre Iguodala did the other night.

Smith: Hold up, gotta put my glasses on.

Karl: ...yeah OK whatever. Just watch.

Karl: See? You can pass and still do something--

Smith: WOOOO I'ma try that tonight!

Smith: How you like that one, coach?! Just like you told me, right?!

Carmelo Anthony:
Whatchu think, Chauncey?

Chauncey Billups: I think I'm coming with you when you bounce.

Icehouse: Sorry Darnell.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Monday Morning Sh*t Storm

Wooo! Icehouse is at work, and nobody else is, meaning I'm going to post something that only I will read. Hope everybody's having fun today. At noon, I'm going to put the Grizz game on the TV in our office. I give it 8 minutes before the boss makes me change it back to Fox News. Super.

Anyway. Shit storm time. You probably watched the Pats/Jets game last night. It was great. One thing about it, though, was the fans. Sure, the Foxborough faithful had their normal assortment of ugly chicks and guys in brightly-colored tricorner hats, but there was a much more douchier brand of asshat last night.

Yep. Those guys. The kind of fan that mocks something complete peripheral to the game. "Hey! You've got a foot fetish! That makes me better than you!" People talk about the lack of class the Jets fans have, with good reason. But I didn't see any Jets fans in any of the three meeting this year with a sign that said "Bill Belichick is an adulterous asshole" or "Tom Brady is an absent father" or "Brandon Spikes does steroids and makes sex tapes."

I find it extremely lame when fans resort to off-the-field issues for their smack talk. "I'm going to knock you out" just resonates more with me than "your marriage is in trouble." Furthermore, it's always the stupidest loudmouth fuckwads that resort to it, probably because they don't know shit about sports in the first place.

So my question is, what is your least favorite famous fan or fan activity? Hate Fireman Ed? Cool. Hate the Saints' Moses? Ok, kinda weird, but whatever. My least favorite is the celebrities that use games as a way to get noticed. Jack Nicholson is a big-time fan, and a million kinds of awesome, so he's not the kind of person I'm talking about. Spike Lee, Jerry Seinfeld, they're all OK. I hate Dane Cook and Billy Crystal's guts, but they're still big fans, and are always supporting their teams. No, it's the fucking wieners that only show up when there's cameras around.

Personally, I'm a little baffled the Staples Center management lets farm animals into the arena.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Hey what the...

What's going on here? Is this my first fun bag of the new year? Man. That's depressing. Actually, like Blake Griffin, you can see how many shits I actually give. Tell 'em, Blake.

That's what I'm talkin about.

Let's get it on. Beginning with Earl "Motherfucking" Boykins. It just looks bizarre to read it spelled out like that.

Everybody should vote for Rudy Gay for All-Star. Everybody. To make things easier, here's the link to vote.

This is fake, but that doesn't take away from how great it is.

While stealing a Skyjack seems like a great idea, in the end, it's a bit short-sighted.

Ochocinco and Piqué? Ochocinco and Piqué.

If you pride yourself in athletics, you want to play against the best competition possible. I can honestly say that I do not want to bat against this guy.

Theismann knows.

I don't mind Josh McRoberts wanting to be in the dunk contest (he has hops) and I certainly don't mind McRoberts and Brandon Rush parodying White Men Can't Jump. In related news, HAHAHAHAHAHA DUKE LOST TO FLORIDA STATE.

Rex Ryan as Han Solo is beautiful. We'll definitely be watching that game.

And finally, Sad Keanu belongs with Eric Spoelstra.

Well, that was awesome. Let's go everybody. Nothing more to be done. Time to party.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Boston Sports Fans Say, "Don't Forget About Us! We're The Biggest Douches of All!"

So Ines Sainz came out and said that she thinks the Jets have the best chance to win the Super Bowl. Cue the obligatory Ines Sainz imagery:

Pretty innocuous though, right? "I truly believe they have the best chance to win the Super Bowl." That's what she said.

Of course, the Jets play the Pats next, so the fuckbags over at Barstool decided they'd barf this onto their site:

I have question. Does this bitch think we’re stupid? I mean one second she’s whining that the Jets are sexually harassing her and the next second she’s trying to get anal from Mark Sanchez. Give me a break. Obviously she’s trying to make Brady jealous so he’ll toss her a bone and hate fuck the shit out of her. Sorry honey he’s just not that into you. So do me a favor and stop acting like a two year old with these kindergadrden mind games. You’re not fooling anybody. Maybe if you’re patient one day he’ll impregnate your ass, but until then take that fine ass of yours and hit the road. The Jets are going to beat the Pats! Haha! Slut!

Yep. They actually said that. A couple of things I'd like to point out. First: misspelling "kindergarten" is just deliciously funny. Ms. Sainz speaks two different languages, while you have yet to master one. Another thing. She wasn't the one that accused anybody of anything. Other reporters in the room were. She squashed it, saving all of us the trouble of dealing with people like you and Keith Olbermann. Furthermore, as far as sexual harassment is being discussed, I'd like everyone to reread the entire quote again. ElPresidente, I pity you. Your mother failed at raising you and you will never have a meaningful relationship.

Oh, and the whole "Tom Brady's sex life" card. Wow. Just, wow. Your best insult is "the star of my favorite sports team has a great sex life that you won't be included in." If the wonderful and elegant Ms. Sainz WAS interested in a romantic evening on the town, she would choose New York over Boston, because she has taste and class.

So thanks, Boston fans. I had almost forgotten about you. Now please, do us all a favor and drink yourselves to death.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

2010: The Year of the Douchebag

IT'S OFFICIAL: 2010 is the year of the douchebag. Think about it. Outside of the Saints winning the Super Bowl, every single thing that happened in Sports was just one douchebag after another. Cam Newton, Auburn faithful, and SEC hegemony is just the icing on the cake of douche.

Let's take a recap.

Lakers fans. Fucking Lakers fans, man. Click for the gif here.

So raise your glasses. Let's have a toast for the douchebags.

Any douchebags that I missed? Leave them in the comments.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Monday Morning S--t Storm

Tonight is the BCS Mythical National Championship, you may have heard about this.

Instead of making predictions on who will win, today we'll pick teams and present an argument on WHY that team SHOULD win.

I'm picking Auburn. Why? Well first of all we have the whole Under Armour Vs. Nike thing.


But honestly with the insane amount of money Phil Knight has given to Oregon, I want the world to know that you can't buy a championsh.....Oh wait.

That's the next reason I wan't Auburn to win. I wan't the hypocrisy of the NCAA on full display to the world. Furthermore, seeing Auburn win would cause a moral and ethical dilemma for everyone in the SEC. Do you want to Chant SEC (west) SEC (west) knowing full well Cam was signed sealed and delivered. Do you hope for the vacated wins later on so you can still use the "we beat you on the field" argument? Can you handle a year of Auburn Fans gloating every chance they get?

watching this would be like watching a sick psych experiment.

Ok, let's hear your reasoning.


Friday, January 7, 2011

Friday afternoon Fun Bag!!!!

Should we get Wild On?

Let's get Wild On!!!

Weekend is here and the first thing everyone needs to do is go on a fantastic voyage....with a hover round.

Whenever I'm at parties or weddings people ask me to dance. I tell them I don't dance, i simply do football agility drills to the beat of the music. People thought I was crazy until now.

Icehouse is probably the best half court shooter I know, but I think he may have some competition.

Remember my advice on not making college rap videos? Just an FYI but that DOES apply to sororities. Who doesn't like Baylor KKG? Flavor. Flavor and self respect.

Finally, the BCS championship is on the horizon. If there's one thing I'll say it's that never ever underestimate the insanity of SEC fans. I don't know what I would do without you, you crazy lovable bastards.

On two on two, reaaaaaaaady


Monday, January 3, 2011

Beauty Queen Interviews Baltimore Ravens

One is famous because he's the much ballyhooed, seldom successful quarterback. He's also rich, white and hasn't found a better job in DC yet (they're hiring!), making him a rarity in Baltimore. The other is famous because of a movie where Sandra Bullock befriends a minority with a heart of gold (also a rarity in Hollywood!).

Enter the beauty queen. Hollow? Yes. Superficial? Yes. Hard-hitting and in-depth interviewer? Um. No.

Joe Flacco:

Michael Oher:

Now, some people would have preferred a Miss South Carolina moment of rambling incoherence, but I'm happy with the videos as they are.

What are their favorite spots in Baltimore? The gym, because that's where they get paid and fuck every other part about that city. Both players are wearing aprons. The video appears to be shot and edited by a six-year-old. Just keep nodding, Miss Maryland. They're bound to respect your journalism that way.

Flacco is baffling in how boring he is. He is as exciting as a blank legal pad sitting on a gray carpet in an empty room. His video is nothing short of awful.

Oher at least has a personality and tries to show it, but Miss Maryland seems to be confused and frightened that she is talking to Michael Oher and not Quinton Aaron, so she inexplicably lets some dude interview him. That's closet racism in the flesh people!

One way or another, these videos are the worst things I've seen involving professional athletes, but it's for a good cause, so what the fuck.

Double the Flavor Double the Fun

Steve Lattimer wins again!!!

Following his unprecedented 14-0 undefeated season it seems that the fantasy maestro has brought another title home to Lattimerland in the highly competitive and exclusive ESPN (Gamblingdogfightingsteroids) league.

GRH was granted an exclusive interview with the winning manager following his second consecutive title victory.

On the victory
Well you go out there and give 110% and you want to play good and you know you hope to play good and I think we played pretty good tonight.

There is no I in the word TEAM. I mean this is a team effort and I just wanna say that I'm proud to be associated with these fine individuals that I have the pleasure of working with.

You just gotta play one game at a time and give 110% and you just gotta show that you want it more than they do and let the chips fall where they may.

On the difficulty of repeating as champion following his undefeated season

I think a lot of teams (following a title) expect to come out and win every game. One thing I stressed to my players was the fact that everyone would be gunning for us and that we can't go out there with show up talent.

We expect to win, but we have to pay the price.

This league is extremely competitive and we have teams like "Titty Bar Cold Cock" who rarely check his lineup, yet still wins two games. You also have "The High Life" and "GoPlaxYourselfRonMexico" who can and will beat any team in the league on any given Sunday.

The turning point in the season
I think it's when we lost to "Team Smith"....The guy who doesn't show up to the draft (even though he says he will) and still puts together a competitive team. When you lose to a team like that you really have to look yourself in the mirror and ask if you really want it.

How do you handle the legacy of being the only undefeated team to ever play in the league?

Mercury Morris is one of my big undefeated team heroes so I typically try to be a big asshole about it.

On Aaron Rodgers taking over as leader of the team

Well filling in for an undefeated team and Peyton Manning is a tough task for anyone. I told Aaron to just play his game. I've normally been a coach that relies on the running game, but we decided to open it up this year with Aaron, DeSean, and Dwayne. (Bowe) I think as a coach you build around your players and not the other way around. I also think that our backups were outstanding. If you think back to the semifinals we had to beat "Davis is Gay" and Matt stepped in like the pro he is.

What was it like going against your arch rival "Choda Pinchers"?

It's a great experience, I mean we both started the league, and we were roomates together. We really grew up together in the fantasy world and we still talk fantasy on a regular basis. I mean I have all the respect in the world for choda pinchers they once stood up a formal date in order to make a baseball draft so it feels good to beat such a committed team.

People claiming an easy win because 3 of the choda pinchers players did not start?

no comment.

How will the league react if the NFL CBA goes under and the NFL is forced into a lockout year?

Again as commissioner of gamblingdogfightingsteroids I cannot comment on that particular issue at this time.

Ed. At this point in the interview we asked Lattimer about the controversial scoring system used in gamblingdogfightingsteriods. Lattimer left the room throwing chairs and screaming (sic) "You media fucks always try to make up some fucking story about stupid bullshit.

Upon reterning we asked Lattimer about his record in the GRH league to which he replied; "Fuck that league"

Do you consider your team a dynasty?

(laughs) gosh gee golly, I dunno. That's for ya'll to figure out. we just try to go out every year, draft the best players, and then if they suck, get better ones.

On how he'll spend the offseason?

Well typically I'll do nothing fantasy (football) related until ESPN sends me the email in August. Champions are made in August.

Any ideas on next year's team name?

Well I went undefeated with "The ErinAndrews Experience" and we won this year with "Cock n Crocks" so we'll probably stick with the sideline reporter/sexual predator theme. Looking at you Tafoya.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Monday Morning S--t Storm

This isn't a particularly interesting video, however the narrator/filmer makes it so so awesome.

The guy does a great job of filming all the action and telling us exactly how "fucking" stupid people are for trying to drive up this hill.

Yet, he never once helps ANYBODY in this situation, even though he knows exactly what to do. Which got me wondering. How would you react in a low level crisis?

I know that I love bailing out people in snow storms. "Oh you're stuck at the library, sure I'll ride over with my 4X4 and shovel of freedom...the complimentary hot chocolate is on me" However, the sheer stupidity and chaos of this situation is oh so intriguing.

So what do you do? Captain America? Steven SpeilberG? Or the crazy lady who stares out her window and calls the police in anything is remotely out of order?

Alternate option. Best thing to do during a snowpocolypse. My choice is driving. Anywhere. That or snow forts, snow forts rule.