Once upon a time, in TranSaltLakevania...

Scene opens: Salt Lake City

Jerry Sloan: Good evening, Raja. Come in. Sit down.

You have come very highly regarded. After witnessing you in battle for many years, I am glad I can finally bring you to our side.

Raja Bell: And what side would that be sir?

Jerry Sloan: Why, the side of good in the eternal battle against supernatural evil.

/Lightning and thunder happen at the same time

You were one of many candidates. We have seen many great warriors in recent years. The one who calls himself the "Tru Warier" was not ideal. But you, you have the perfect pedigree.

Raja Bell: What do you mean?

Jerry Sloan: Come, my boy. Come.

/Both walk down torchlit hallway

You see, Raja, we have taken great interest in you for some time. We noticed your promise long ago. For example, your great victory against the Black Mamba.

Yes, we enjoyed this bitchslap very much, Raja. Very... guunhhh... much indeed. It is reasons such as this one that made us recognize your abilities on the field of battle. But... there is another component. It is not just the external forces of evil that we must combat. There are forces within our organization that are... not pure. We must harness their power for good, and temper their evil impulses. You saw what I accomplished with the clown team.

Raja Bell: Ummm... look, I gotta...

Jerry Sloan: Ssssh, my boy. There is plenty of time later for your frivolities. Now, you must understand WHY you are here! You were already adept at fighting the forces of evil. This came naturally for you. But not all battles are between good and evil. Black and white. Our lives are constantly shades of gray. GRAY! Like the Great Salt Lake you see all around us! So you took your warrior ways to the East. And there you fought under the tutelage of the evilest of evils.

Raja Bell: I don't think Coach Brown has been involved in very much evil since he dealt with Allen Iverson...

Jerry Sloan: Not him, my boy! You must look farther. Deep into the organization itself. One with wizardly qualities.

Raja Bell: You don't mean...

Jerry Sloan: I do! His so-called "Airness" himself!

/Lightning and thunder

So now you know, my boy! And now you know that you have it in you! You not only have the ability to fight the evil, but also harness evil potential for good! You can do it! You can help us succeed where Carlos Boozer failed!

Raja Bell: Whoa whoa whoa, Carlos Boozer's pretty good at just about everything.

Jerry Sloan: Aye, but he failed the most crucial of tests. He couldn't tame the Wererussian!

/Wererussian howls

Raja Bell: Oh hey, what's up Andrei? Yo, Coach Sloan is a trip, man... hey. Andrei. Andrei, you got a crazy look in your eyes. Andrei, don't make me do this!!!


To be continued...

Friday afternoon Fun Bag!!!!

Well we all have some drinking to do so I'm going to get this started pretty quick.

Pretty intense? Pretty intense.


Take THAT protester. Rodeos are awesome.


I dont know if you've seen Boardwalk Empire, but it's awesome.


Same goes for the sons.


hmmm let's see what else. Ahhh I know. 3 minutes of nut shots.


UPDATE
Nature boy getting iced, chug that cheer beer.


WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

alright everyone I've gone over the rules in the locker room, touch gloves and come out swinging.

Caption Contest! Homer Style!

Well, well, well. If it isn't a well-known sportscaster who happens to be ridiculously good-looking with the nation's best collegiate quarterbacker. Erin Andrews and Ryan Mallett? DO WE SMELL ROMANCE?

Could be. Sources indicate to GRH's Celebrity Gossip offices that she, feeling jilted by the braindead and drooling non-advances of another collegiate athlete and the coming out of another former flame, has sought comfort and has confided in the readily available, cannon-armed Mallet, who does not own, nor does he know how to operate, any sort of clandestine video recording device.

This week's caption contest is for these two newly-enthralled lovebirds, God bless them. Here's some starters for you!

• Erin: "My what a handsome penis you have!"
• Ryan: "I'd like to fling YOU around for a couple thousand yards."
• Erin and Ryan, in unison, Key of C: "Do you remember the first time you fell in love? Me neither, not anymore..."

You know, it's not effiminate to cry, just a litle, when you see two good people getting together. Caption on.

Pro Wrasslin' Day

Yesterday, several of the GRH braintrust engaged in the time-honored tradition of youtubing old professional wrestling clips. It was one of the best days I've had in a while. Now, presented with minimal commentary, some of our favorites.

First up, the Ultimate Warrior freaks out. Cocaine and steroids are pretty much what makes sports entertainment great.


Now we have Ric Flair. I yell stuff like this to myself every morning. Because I'm the champ.


Everybody remembers where they were this night. I would like to draw attention to the Diesel and Razor Ramon's signature hand to the ear move, the guy trying to get into the ring, and the sheer amount of garbage that ends up filling the ring.


Scott Steiner and Buff Bagwell were less wrestlers, and more just two dudes who got paid to work out and act like meat sticks. I loved them.


Sports entertainment will most likely never - AND THE ROCK MEANS NEVER - have a personality that can involve the fans like The Rock.


Again... cocaine and steroids.


This was epic.


Finally, I present this complete and utter insanity.


Have fun, everybody. I know I did.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

pictured above is the lucky fan who caught Brandon Jacobs helmet throw, and the long lost sister of the O'Doyle family.

You can also see security attempting to take away said helmet because pro leagues and stadiums are uber gay about keeping on the field souvenirs.

But not in my shit storm. So today we get to choose the best on the field souvenir.

My choice would be footwear of any kind. Not picky, but I would prefer a basketball superstar. Why shoes? Well simply put there would have to be a crazy story behind the whole incident.

Ok so let's hear it. Shit storm Begin

Monday Morning Sh*t Storm

What you see above, ladies and gentlemen, is the latest deposit in my and Brian's beard/mustache adventure.

I put it there to show you all the the Icehouse loves him some beards. I really do. I look at my face like a canvas with unlimited possibilities.

Unfortunately, I live in real society, and therefore and subject to social mores and peer pressure. Therefore I have to shave and keep myself relatively kept.

You know who don't? Fucking athletes. They can do whatever the hell they want. So today we're talking about who has the best beard/mustache. There's some great ones in the annals of sports history, but I'm going to go with a recent one.

Braylon Edwards has one metal-ass beard.


Best facial hair. Shit storm go.

Now you know what I put up with in college

Right down to the figurehead camo hat, aviators, and yelling at the TV during non-events.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Woo.

WOOOOOO.

It's the last days of summer, and HOLY SHIT IS IT NICE OUTSIDE. Go get one last sunburn, everybody. You've earned it.

Also don't forget to set your fantasy teams.

ANNNNyway. Let's get to the fun.

Last week when I was bummed for being at work on a beautiful afternoon, Lattimer cheered me up with this. OMG! 50 FUNKS!


If you've been hit by the recession, try working for the New York Mets.


This girl wrecks at flag football.


This just in, eating a live monkey's brain makes you smarter.


Dude, you have no Koran. Dance mix.


YES! OK, let's get this party started. It's going to be the bomb. It's going down like a blimp.

Fuck you, SIRRRRR!

[Icehouse's Keith Olbermann impression]: Yes, SIR. Fuck yourself, SIR. I DEMAND IT! This NATION demands it! You, SIRRRR, are one enormous dumbshit! Whenever Glenn Beck giggles his way into a more coherent statement about a subject, then you, SIRRR, have clearly tread into the land of idiocy.

On his show the other day, Keith Olbermann put Ines Sainz on his "worst person in the world" segment. GUHHHHH what a fucking noble pursuit you giant-eyebrowed piece of shit. You set out every day to find a list of "worst" people in the world. At least Bill O'reilly gives a little doubt in his "Pinhead or Patriot" segment. You are a fucking piece of shit aren't you.

Ok, sorry about that. I promise I'm going to get through this without another outburst. I think. We'll see.

So Olbermann says that Sainz is "the worst person in the world" because she undermines credible female reporters.

/sighs
//rubs temples

I guess he forgot that... hang on.

/leaves room
//smashes lamp

Olbermann apparently forgot that this entire brou-ha-ha was started when a women's media group complained to the NFL. That's right, the "credible female journalists" that Sainz "undermines" were the ones that started this idiotic media shitstorm.

Olbermann (sort of) correctly gives a cursory mention that TV Azteca is to blame for this whole thing. I'm sure he doesn't like that Mexican food involves tortillas, either.

Keith, you asshole. I know you made money on being indignant about the shape of the country during the Bush administration, but you are very clearly a one-trick pony who needs to be put out to pasture, or break your leg so we can shoot you. Whatever we do with useless horses these days.

Here's the deal. Ines Sainz is really attractive. Mexican TV stations hire attractive people (YOU'LL NEVER GET A JOB THERE, OLBERMANN). NFL locker rooms have naked athlete millionaires in them. They are used to dealing with a specific set of people every day, namely their beat journalists. Even if they're TV personalities, they are highly-educated professionals in a world where looks don't matter. So in walks a former supermodel. Athletes date supermodels. It just kind of makes sense for a comment to be thrown around, along with footballs in the general direction of aforementioned hotness. Everybody does it.
See?

As a unnamed feminist source we interviewed said, ugly girls are always jealous of pretty girls, because pretty girls get what they get with less effort. This so-called society of female journalists is the entity to blame here, because they were the ones who were uncomfortable, and they were the ones that started this whole stupid bitchfest to begin with.

Fuck you, Keith Olbermann.

Andre Iguodala probably wouldn't fit in on the Jets

Chill out, Andre. You just won the World Basketball Championship. The first time the USA has won the gold in said tournament since 1994.

Sure, it sucks standing next to Danny Granger and Stephen Curry, but don't take it out on the dancer. She's just shaking what her Istanbul mama gave her.

Eh, who am I kidding. Step aside, bitch. Andre Iguodala demands it.

What in the name of Stan Musial is going on here?

Cardinals season in a nutshell. Intense wanking followed by brief bouts of laughter

This, without a doubt, is the fucking wackiest Cards team I have ever had the pleasure to cheer for.

Sure we all know about the boog and his ADHD ways, and we know Tony likes to mindfuck the entire team every year, but now wainers and skip start pulling this?

Here's a fun little game. Name me one sane player on the Cardinals roster.

I'll wait.

That's right you can't. Shit we even have our robot first baseman attending Glen Beck rallies with our dark overlord of a manager.

You would think this is just confined to the dugout, and off the field, but no. This team is just as spastic with their game performances. For instance, we sweep the NL leading Reds to take over first place in the division only to go 5 out of 18 against some of the worst teams MLB has to offer.

It really does say something about your team when Yadier Molina is considered the sane one.

It's not football season until Ray Ray f*cking murders someone

Video thanks to the excellent Black Sports Online

For great football tweet action follow Robert Littal here

Monday Morning S--t Storm

This is Inez Sainz. Do yourself a favor and go on a little google image search. Evidently she's a reporter for TV Azteca which has to be the coolest TV station name ever.

Evidently the fuckin Jets gave her a little trouble during her visit with the team including the oldest trick in the book, intentionally over throwing balls in her direction.

Now I have no idea if the allegations are true, or what will come of them, but I am certain that there will be the greatest Rex post ever on KSK.

So in honor of Ms. Sainz and her trouble the shit storm will be the best reporter on TV. Not analysts, not play by play. Reporter.

I'll pick Jack Arute and be done with it.

Also consider this your weekend open thread.


Oh whats that? You say there was a big upset in college football? FCS beating a ranked FBS team?

/sticks fingers in ears

lalalalalalalal I CAN'T HEAR YOU lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala

//returns to rocking in the corner

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Hank and the guys are ready for the weekend.

YES. Last night's game was low-scoring, but I'm just still amped that we now get a full serving of football. YES!

Let's see if I can find a visual representation of how awesome I feel. Well, what do you know, I can!


And now my favorite part of Hard Knocks.
Oh man look at his face at the end. He's totally going to make some cheetos pay.

And so on that note... Awesome parts from football movies.

Al Pacino in Any Given Sunday has my favorite speech.


Remember the Titans had a bunch of sweet-ass parts. You know I gots some soul power.


Good god damn does this cornball movie get me.


In honor of Lattimer. A place at the table.


Finally, tacklin' fuel.


That was awesome. Ok y'all. Let's go eat a goddamn snack.

It's. To. DAY.

You're motherfucking welcome.

I love you, NFL. I love you so much. And you've come back to me.

Now is the happiest moment of the year. So many dreams and aspirations. I'm going to turn the TV on this evening and gaze wonderingly like a child staring at the stars and dreaming of being an astronaut.

I know that college football started last weekend. That was all good and fun and whatnot. But this. THIS is the big stage. This is where the wild things are. Here there be monsters. THIS IS EASY COMPANY.

So. To start off the season right, I'm breaking out the first edition of the GRH power rankings for things that make football season better (other than football).

10. Car wrecks - Just when you thought all you had to worry about were 11 big dudes trying to hurt your best player, BAM!

9. 31 other entities to hate instead of your life.

8. Seeing players you loved as collegians succeed at a higher level.

7. Mesquite wood - Smells good when it burns. Tastes good when it saturates your meat.

6. Tito's Vodka - Classy, and goes down smooth at any time of the day.

5. The look on Raiders fans' faces when they realize that yes, they will suck again this year (applicable to week 1 only).

4. Natural Disasters - Hurricanes, Forest Fires and Tornadoes have all happened in the last week near NFL stadiums. Keep up the good work, God!

3. An excuse to skip church for drinking purposes.

2. Cheerleaders.

1. The hits - Oh how these hits are so much more fucking intense than college. GET ON THAT CYCLE INSTEAD OF GOING TO PSYCH 202, PUSSIES.

That's how things are this week. Let's see how it shakes out. Everyone have fun tonight. Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.

Woo Pig Sooie and Stuff!

This is really just an excuse to post this picture. I'm way too rational to be considered a true Razorback fan, but they're my favorite team, and they are expected to do as well as QB Ryan Mallett does this year.

Little to no hubris coming from this guy. Just statements of fact.

The More You Know.

Russell Westbrook's perfect jump shot.

Coach K: Ok, Russell. Remember what we worked on in practice. The most important thing is balance. You need to square your hips and shoulders to the basket, and jump straight up and down. When shooting, bring the ball in front of your forehead. Most importantly, keep your elbow in. Otherwise, you will have no control as to the direction the ball will go once you release. Make sure your left hand is there to aid the ball on the way up, so you don't lose control of it.


Russell Westbrook: HEY-ELL YEAH, COACH!

Coach K: Sure. Close enough.


Fin

It's about time.

Yep. He knew it then, and he was right.

Reggie Bush was a phenomenal college player. He just wasn't the best college player that year. Vince Young won more games by his lonesome. Reggie Bush was more or less the icing on the cake for USC, like if you parked a Ferrari on an aircraft carrier. Sure it's pretty sweet, but all in all pretty superfluous.

Win a game for us, Vince.


The reason I say this (other than how true it is), is that I'm trying to get a sense of why the Heisman committee did this. Talking with Stovall, he calmed me down and made me think rationally.

USC always had this huge media focus that entire season. Remember the month-long fellatio session that ESPN put on, putting out poll after poll showing that America believed the 2005 Southern Cal team to be better than every other championship team ever? Man, that was silly.

So maybe the intense media focus that they basked in is to blame. Could it be that playing under a microscope contributed to Reggie getting stripped of his Heisman? Probably. The NCAA has a long history of hypocrisy and idiocy. They've been on a rampage as of late, and probably felt like in addition to going after entire programs, they probably should spank one individual, and he was the one that they thought of first. Because he was their darling little chipmunk, yes he was.

They said that he "tarnished the reputation of the Heisman trophy." Do they know who they've been giving that trophy to? Not everybody can be Tim Tebow, you know. I'm just assuming here, but I'm willing to bet boosters did something for Tebow. Just a thought.

But then again, maybe they realized they made a huge-ass mistake, and would do anything to make it right. That's probably it.

Play us off real classy-like, Vince.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

LaGarrette Blount is ready.

Ok.

Let's make this fast and easy. What you're going to get here is Inception stuff and fights. Yes.

This cat has no idea what it pulled off.


Bill and Ted's Excellent Inception


Team Inception: Dream Police


Soccer ball to face


Longview v. Marshall


Bro Guido v. Old dude and everybody


And the hoodrat version of the Hatfields and McCoys


That was fun. Have a good time this weekend everybody.

Fin

exit light enter night

Bear's ready

Legends are ready

All they got was a legend

Ready

F*ck yes Mike Leach

Stovall roots for the team in the state he was born*

*Technically NC, but you get the point

Icehouse is ready

Bonesaw is reaaaaaaaady

This high school band is ready

Wait? What?

I'm your biggest fan I'll follow you until you love me

Oh You best f*cking believe

Now bring it on down to the Hurricane sound

As you've probably guessed tOSU is also ready

Yep, Michigan's Ready

The Champions of the west

Unfortunately Big, Rich, and Cowboy Troy are ready

Irish Guard is ready

Note the down in front calls

Ready

Geaux's without saying

God bless you crazy fucking cajuns

Colonel Reb is NOT ready

He will still be in the grove 3+ hours after kickoff

The Aggies are ready

Some may boast of prowess bold
Of the school they think so grand
But there's a spirit can ne'er be told
It's the Spirit of Aggieland.

NC A&T is ready

Run tell that homeboy

....As is the USC band

Song Girls are ready

Ron Prince and Willie want to make this the toughest blog to write in the nation

Prince?....The King has returned

This

http://twoyoutubevideosandamotherfuckingcrossfader.com/#V4DenzoUs2E/9jK-NcRmVcw

Corby Jones is down

...And Brock Olivo

You Know Spielman's ready

The Tasmanian Devil

Vince Young wants you to get excited about CFB

Vince. Young. Scores.

Tim Tebow Wants you to get Excited about CFB

A lot of good will come out of this...

Ed Reed Wants You to Get Excited about CFB

Don't ask me if I'm ok....