Brian Scalabrine: I call this position ginger's plight. It symbolizes the struggle of the red-haired human species in the face of daunting pressure to fit in despite being hideously ugly.
Now let's transition through vomiting giraffe to open clambake. Ah, that takes me back. Remember when I was on the Celtics and everyone loved me? They even had a nickname for me: Mascot. I'm not sure what it means, I'm not as plugged into urban culture as I used to be. Now breathe deeply, you feel that? The opening of the chest along the lateral plane? That's why this pose is so popular with expecting mothers.
Ok, now take a twirling monkey into presenting panda. Mmmmmm. Breathe deeply, settle into it. Oooh, I'm tight back there today. Yeah. It's stretches like this that keep me limber throughout the grind of the NBA season. Hm? No, I've never played a full NBA season. How many what? Oh, I played 88 minutes last season. Including the playoffs.
Look, whatever. It's a great way to meet chicks. Which... is why... I'm doing it in a park with a dude. Wait a second, who are you?
Random gay dude: Just someone who's enjoying the view ya big flame-ball.
Scene opens: Salt Lake City Jerry Sloan: Good evening, Raja. Come in. Sit down. You have come very highly regarded. After witnessing you in battle for many years, I am glad I can finally bring you to our side.
Raja Bell: And what side would that be sir?
Jerry Sloan: Why, the side of good in the eternal battle against supernatural evil.
/Lightning and thunder happen at the same time
You were one of many candidates. We have seen many great warriors in recent years. The one who calls himself the "Tru Warier" was not ideal. But you, you have the perfect pedigree.
Raja Bell: What do you mean?
Jerry Sloan: Come, my boy. Come.
/Both walk down torchlit hallway
You see, Raja, we have taken great interest in you for some time. We noticed your promise long ago. For example, your great victory against the Black Mamba.
Yes, we enjoyed this bitchslap very much, Raja. Very... guunhhh... much indeed. It is reasons such as this one that made us recognize your abilities on the field of battle. But... there is another component. It is not just the external forces of evil that we must combat. There are forces within our organization that are... not pure. We must harness their power for good, and temper their evil impulses. You saw what I accomplished with the clown team. Raja Bell: Ummm... look, I gotta...
Jerry Sloan: Ssssh, my boy. There is plenty of time later for your frivolities. Now, you must understand WHY you are here! You were already adept at fighting the forces of evil. This came naturally for you. But not all battles are between good and evil. Black and white. Our lives are constantly shades of gray. GRAY! Like the Great Salt Lake you see all around us! So you took your warrior ways to the East. And there you fought under the tutelage of the evilest of evils.
Raja Bell: I don't think Coach Brown has been involved in very much evil since he dealt with Allen Iverson...
Jerry Sloan: Not him, my boy! You must look farther. Deep into the organization itself. One with wizardly qualities.
Raja Bell: You don't mean...
Jerry Sloan: I do! His so-called "Airness" himself! /Lightning and thunder
So now you know, my boy! And now you know that you have it in you! You not only have the ability to fight the evil, but also harness evil potential for good! You can do it! You can help us succeed where Carlos Boozer failed!
Raja Bell: Whoa whoa whoa, Carlos Boozer's pretty good at just about everything.
Jerry Sloan: Aye, but he failed the most crucial of tests. He couldn't tame the Wererussian!
/Wererussian howls
Raja Bell: Oh hey, what's up Andrei? Yo, Coach Sloan is a trip, man... hey. Andrei. Andrei, you got a crazy look in your eyes. Andrei, don't make me do this!!!
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