It's. To. DAY.

You're motherfucking welcome.

I love you, NFL. I love you so much. And you've come back to me.

Now is the happiest moment of the year. So many dreams and aspirations. I'm going to turn the TV on this evening and gaze wonderingly like a child staring at the stars and dreaming of being an astronaut.

I know that college football started last weekend. That was all good and fun and whatnot. But this. THIS is the big stage. This is where the wild things are. Here there be monsters. THIS IS EASY COMPANY.

So. To start off the season right, I'm breaking out the first edition of the GRH power rankings for things that make football season better (other than football).

10. Car wrecks - Just when you thought all you had to worry about were 11 big dudes trying to hurt your best player, BAM!

9. 31 other entities to hate instead of your life.

8. Seeing players you loved as collegians succeed at a higher level.

7. Mesquite wood - Smells good when it burns. Tastes good when it saturates your meat.

6. Tito's Vodka - Classy, and goes down smooth at any time of the day.

5. The look on Raiders fans' faces when they realize that yes, they will suck again this year (applicable to week 1 only).

4. Natural Disasters - Hurricanes, Forest Fires and Tornadoes have all happened in the last week near NFL stadiums. Keep up the good work, God!

3. An excuse to skip church for drinking purposes.

2. Cheerleaders.

1. The hits - Oh how these hits are so much more fucking intense than college. GET ON THAT CYCLE INSTEAD OF GOING TO PSYCH 202, PUSSIES.

That's how things are this week. Let's see how it shakes out. Everyone have fun tonight. Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.