"The Middle Class, That Prisoner of the Barbarian 20th Century"

If my quarter mile on this planet Earth has taught me anything it is that I do not understand black Friday. In fact black Friday frightens me.

I could go into a whole post about the worst of human behavior Vs. our reliance on a consumerist economy, but this is a cheap sports/culture blog.

We'll stick to what we do best, which is MAKING FUN OF YOUTUBE VIDEOS!!!

Up first, we have an altercation in Menards.


I'll give you a moment to figure out what the hell is going on.

To be honest I guessed that some lady stole the pyscho girl's products, which would have made this an awesome exit.

However, black Friday rears its ugly head. Looking at the youtube description the pyscho girl "allegedly" cut in line, management came over, and she flipped out. She also may or may not have stolen a laptop from Wal-Mart.

There's some more, but I found this one to be the most horrific. Behold. North Buffalo.


I watched this video 10 times, and I still can't give it a proper run down. I'll leave it to the hobbers in the comments.

The LORD Your God Unscathed By Bills' WR Johnson's Lamentations

FT. LAUDERDALE, Fla. - The LORD Your God, Sovereign King of the Infinite and Infinitesimal Universe, says that he is relatively unscathed by Bills WR Stevie Johnson's Twitter blast at his holiness, blaming Him for his dropped catch that would have won the game for the Bills vs. the Steelers yesterday.

"I heard about it," God told several reporters during a routine visit to a Florida retirement village. "I mean, I hear everything. Even social media posts, which is really starting to clog up the comm. lines, but I digress...ONLY THE INFALLIBLE AMOUNT OF DIGRESSION, THOUGH.

"Basically, I heard what he said, but I've got other things to worry about than what goes on in Pittsburgh or Buffalo," concluded God. "Sure, I gave him a career and talent and birth in the US of A, but oh, No! I let him drop a pass! I'm the a-hole."

God said he doesn't recall what he was doing precisely when Johnson dropped the ball, but that he was a little worn out from making sure Portland didn't become a crater, and He doesn't "even think about time and space the same way you people do, so whatever."

God said he had no comment on whether or not to continually plague Johnson, but "I totally could if I wanted to, NO SWEAT." God then turned his attention to making certain Titans CB Cortland Finnegan was defecated on by an overhead bird.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

We're nearing 1,000 posts in our humble little blog. (that none of you assholes comment on) and there's something missing.

What is it?

HATING!!!

Don't get me wrong, we hate a lot, but compared to the rest of the blogosphere we're pretty light.

So let's hate shall we?


I can't stand Ben Roethlisberger. It most likely has to do with the way Mike Vick was treated after he killed dogs compared to how Ben was received after he raped a girl. Because he did.

Anyway, I can't stand Big Ben the Grey. Phillip Rivers gets second place.

So for the shit storm, most hated athlete.

If you say Lebron, I'm going to lose it.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Andy Roddick has taught Brooklyn Decker well. WOOOOOO! Longhorns!

You know what I hate? Bars that have 4pm Happy Hours. You know what I hate even more? The people at 4 pm Happy Hours. "Hey, look at me! I have a lax job that provides me with enough disposable income to where I can do all my drinking in a social setting while the sun is still out." Fuck the lot of 'em. I swear I'm going to drive home with a bucket full of water balloons one of these Fridays. Especially this winter. I hope you get the flu, chuckleheads!

The was a long and drawn out way of saying that I've been really busy the past couple of Fridays, and have resorted to barfing something up at the end of the day. Today I'm being proactive. So let's get it on.

Jason Kidd likes the Talking Heads. This video appears on the jumbotron at the American Airlines Center during games.


I tried to embed this shit, but couldn't. Kevin Love and Wes Johnson discuss their failed handshake attempt, and what they are doing so that it never happens again.

And just a reminder, Film Drunk is the only website you need for movies.


I really don't have a reason to post this. Let's see. Sports blog... Ciara... hmmmmm OH! BRAVES HAT! See? it fits. Just watch the video already.


In the words of the Situation, Bristol Palin is a grenade.


I'm a little worried about some of your biceps. Feed the pythons, guys.


Ok. That was fun. Everybody get out there and be somebody this weekend. You've got a long week of eating and football. Yes.

A PSA From GRH

Just watch this video.

I know at GRH we appeal to a more adult and "sophisticated" crowd, howver I feel it's my duty to address the national crisis we're facing.

That crisis?

Four Loco.


As you see in the video college students are getting "inebriated" on this energetic alcoholic drink.

Sorry I cant be a wise ass anymore.

Really Assemblyman Ortiz?

Really?

YOU are telling me that your heart rate increases with caffeine?

YOU get drunk after drinking the equivalent of 8 beers?

Well shit, fuck me sideways and call me popcorn. I didn't know that.

I don't want to sound like a "back in my day guy", but back in my day we mixed red bull and vodka.

Hell, our dear readers in Tennessee can buy a handle of Everclear. For the UN-initiates that is PURE GRAIN ALCOHOL. you could also buy 5 billion Red Bulls. If you drank them, you would either die, have a really great night,* Or shoot a perfect shot with a BB gun through the hole of a dog ear cleanser.**

But go ahead and whine about your $3 dollar booze. Talk to me when they take T.W Samuels off the market.

*DO NOT DO THAT
**Actually occurred

Some people just can't let go.

Scene opens. Icehouse is flexing in front of the mirror in his underwear, tumbler full of scotch in hand.

[Click play for soundtrack]


[Phone rings]
Icehouse: What the fuck is up?!

Lindsey Vonn:

Icehouse, I've been thinking about... us.

Icehouse: Oh yeah? Well, we had a good run, but it's better this way. I hear you're doing great, and that you're all healthy coming into the season, so.... you know... good luck and all that.

Lindsey Vonn: Icehouse, wait a second--

Icehouse: No time, baby, I gotta--

Lindsey Vonn: Icehouse, I'm pregnant.

Icehouse: You're WHAT?!

Lindsey Vonn: Well, I'm not, I just wanted you to pay attention to me. I do have something for you, though.

Icehouse: Okaaaaay. It's not going to be anything crazy, is it?

Lindsey Vonn: No, it's... sexy.

Icehouse: Hm. Continue.

Lindsey Vonn: Well, I know how much you love National Lampoon movies, as well as spoofs of police movies, so I--

Icehouse: Dressed up as Kathy Ireland spoofing Sharon Stone in Loaded Weapon 1?

Lindsey Vonn: Oh, um... well, yeah.

How did you guess that?

Icehouse: Instinct, baby. Instinct.

Lindsey Vonn: Well, do you want to come reenact the butt-in-the-moonlight scene?

Icehouse: I'd like to, but I got a prior commitment.

Lindsey Vonn: Well can we at least exchange dirty text messages? It's all the rage these days among athletes.

Icehouse: Ehhh, you can if you want, but remember, I drink a lot and have a blog.

Lindsey Vonn: Oh, how I wish things could work out between u--

Icehouse: Well, I wish I could stay and chat, but it happens to be underwear dance party night here at the Icehousehold. Take it sleazy.

[Hangs up]

Ready baby?



Icehouse: Righteous.

Jeopardy! is scared of Icehouse

Icehouse has applied to be on Jeopardy! several times. I've passed the test and everything I just never get chosen. True story. I figured it's just because they don't want me taking all of their money. Which I'd do. And I'd be mean about it. "What is 'Fuck you, pay me,' Alex.

Seriously, there's no way I would play nice with others.




Oh man. If you don't know what's coming next, you must be new here.





...wait for it...

BAHAHAHAHAHA

And this is why I loathe Redskins fans.

The complete delusional mindset that THEY are the center of the football universe and THEY deserve to win a championship every year. Why don't you step out of the hell hole known as NOVA and talk to some Lions fans. THEY have some serious qualms.

Listen to it. Last Monday was not a result of Mike Vick and the Iggles completely blasting a mediocre team. NO, it was something else. THEY should have won. Nay. DESERVED TO WIN THAT GAME!!!

HE HAS A CLOSET FULL OF JERSEY'S. HIS GRANDFATHER KNEW ABOUT SAMMY BAUGH. HE IS NORTHERN VIRGINIA!!! YOU OWE HIM!!!!

Seriously, eat shit Redskins.

(Also best part is LaVar Arrington "Get it")

Michael Vick Stars in Movies That Appear Only in Icehouse's Dreams.

A lone masked rider appears on the horizon. He comes from parts unknown, somewhere near the Adirondacks of the mid-Atlantic, maybe.

Haunted by his past, yet manipulated by a higher power, he battles on the side of the just in a struggle for the control of his destiny. Hunted by beasts and demons of all forms, he remains in perpetual motion. His guns are trained on the weak spots of the enemy's defenses. His eyes fixed on a goal seen by all, but whose meaning remains a mystery to all but he, the masked rider.

A wanderer with no home, no peace, no rest, he can only take solace in the sisyphean battle against netherworld evils from epochs past. This internal war provides the fuel needed to destroy the earthly foes.

Will he ever find peace within himself? Will he ever settle old scores? Will he ever defeat those who seek to destroy him?

We'll just have to wait and see.

video via BSO

Monday Morning Sh*t Storm!

I woke up early this morning, made some of the FINEST coffee you've never dreamed of tasting, and sat in some of the FINEST LINENS that Cracker Barrell's gift shoppe can provide. Which, as we all know, IS CONSIDERABLE.

Turning on ESPN, as I do most morning to catch up on all of the sports I didn't have time to watch throughout the weekend (there are CRACKERS to be BARRELLED, PEOPLE), I saw the headline "BAD BLOOD IN DENVER" and immediately presumed there would be fisticuffs worth sitting through a Meril Hodge analysis of anything (guuuuh).

Shame on me, Mr. Hobbs. Shame on me.

No, nothing really happened. If you're a big college football fan, Tim Tebow threw and rushed for a touchdown. Denver won, but it wasn't like a blow out or anything. But nary a drop of bad bloodshed that I had been led to believe. The "bad blood" to what the Entertainment Sports Programming Network was referring? Coaches Haley and McDaniel...(record scratch) DID NOT SHAKE HANDS.

ALERT THE CHURCH ELDERS; THERE IS IMPOLITENESS AFOOT!

For this MMSS, get some new traditions of showmanship for your favorite sport. I've already discussed IN GREAT DETAIL my affinity for cake and its use in traditions, such as the winning coach getting to throw some in the losing coach's face. You know, to break the tension. Cake scenarios aside (BECAUSE THEY ALL WIN), I'd like for the captains to determine terms and conditions during the meeting for the coin toss, like a battle out of Braveheart. "Yes, if we win, we control the AFC East, but also, your coach must put his head between his legs and kiss his own arse."

Or something like that. New traditions, ya'll. NEW SCHOOL. Hobbers: COMMENCE.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Did you know that Natalie Gulbis and Ben Roethlisberger used to date? I hate this world.

SO

It's late on Friday. Let's make this happen quick and dirty, the way Ben likes it.

If you grow a wankster mustache for Movember, I'll make you eat it.


Icehouse says OMG FUNK! This announcer says... something else.


This kid has mad flavor.


Allen Iverson is in Turkey. No, not playing basketball... yet. But, it's gotta be pretty fucking cool to show up in street clothes and get this kind of reception.


Remember, Gilbert Arenas poops in shoes.


That's it. Go to hell.

Oh, you want Cam Newton in your video?

Us the villains, fuck your feelings
While y'all playa hate we in the upper millions
What's the dealing, huh? It's like the SEC's been soft
Ever since Cam came through and crushed the buildings

I'm tryin to restore the feelin, fuck the law keep dealin'
More money, more cash, more chillin
I know they gonna criticize the hook on this song
Like I give a fuck I'm just a crook on this song.

College Park, Georgon took on the world
Shit, I led a life you can write a book on
Sex murder and mayhem romance for the street
Man and I tell ya it'll be the best seller

Money, Cash, Hos

A brief history of school/fan rap videos

I think you all know that I'm vehemently anti-school/fan rap videos.

Case in point.


IF you dare to actually watch this what you will see is 12 people absolutely destroying what was once a fine university. To me UGA always seemed like an amazing SEC school to attend and now all I can picture are these tool sheds telling me how awesome it is to walk around campus and study.

No offense to orientation workers, they mean well, they just happen to creep me out. I remember my orientation and the cheeriness was just too much. Perhaps it was because this occured during football camp, where: 1. you hate the world 2. Everything is funny 3. Every member of the opposite sex looks attractive. I think it came to a boiling point on the one night we had to watch these types and videos and shit. (Icehouse may be able to clarify) Anyway I had just shredded my MCL and was in no mood to play the name game or two truths and a lie. All I wanted was a beer. Just one icy, delicious beer.

That happened and an orientation person woke me at midnight to question me on my roomate's whereabouts when I had to wake up at 5:30.

My point is this. I understand you want to do something really cool and fun to get kids excited about COLLEGE!!! and FUN!!! and MAKING LIFELONG FRIENDS!!! all within the university's guidelines, but at some point you need to ask yourself. "Is this really stupid?"



Perhaps I'll write more on this later.

The embarrassing school rap videos don't end at orientation, in fact their inception started with fan rap songs. The first being "College Station Throw Your Hands Up"


Icehouse summarizes this nicely by stating "No rap video should start with people buckling seat belts"

This video is fairly significant because as far as I know this is the first fan rap video that kicked off an despicable genre.

Other fans, motivated by football pump up videos, continued to make school raps and covering mainstream songs to highlight their school's superiority over others. This lead us to perhaps the worse example of a fan rap video. "All the Sooner Fans"


What we have here is a middle aged radio jockey and what I can only assume are his two children performing a Sooner-centric Beyonce song. Two things bother me. First, the kid on the right seems to be way too into the dance moves. Second, the main "diss" in the song is "Oh UT beat us but you didn't make it to the championship because of a technicality"

BURN

From what I gather from Texas fans the horns down sign is lame, but I ask the question. How lame is it to have a hand sign to begin with?

Understandably, this genre is primarily centered on football, however, we also see examples in other sports. In a response to Title 9 the Mizzou Volleyball fan club (VolleyZou) decided to make a rap video supporting their favorite club. The Missouri Women's Volleyball Team.


This isn't really an attack on women's sports, but you really have to look at yourself in the mirror when you make a rap video....about volleyball.

Just to highlight the fact that this isn't limited to the Big 12 let's look at a current BCS favorite Oregon.


Here's my issue with Oregon. Everyone always says how great it is and how badass they are. As you can tell this was made before this season, and at that point Oregon has been known for getting curb stomped by Big Ten (11) teams in the Rose Bowl and Dan Fouts. Just keep that in mind.

Of course players also make their own videos, most notably the Super Bowl Shuffle, but let us not forget "Let's Ram it"


Now you may make fun of these, but I typically give the 80's a pass due to the massive amounts of Cocaine. Plus, Jackie Slater and Dickerson are awesome.

Here's a more modern example of a player rap.


That takes us to what a fan rap video should look like.

I had resigned myself to the fact that the best fan rap video would be associated with some type of movie.


Until Eastern Kentucky University came along.


This is how you make a fan rap video. Make it funny, uncensored, and use inside jokes to make fun of your school. I mean not everyone can lay down the line:

(What we got?)

Daniel Boone mother fucker and his shiny ass feet
Upper Powell mother fucker get you something to eat
We got dorms mother fucker, get a sweet ass suite
Eastern, mother fucker, its a fucking treat

The guy throws down the keys and not everyone can use a chubby ginger autotuned in an effective manner.

My point is this. If you ever get the urge to lay down a sweet beat about your favorite school or beat. Don't. It won't turn out as cool as you think, and people like me will make fun of you.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

Hey, what's up Cleveland. just here to see how you are, you know, checking in. I've seen your facebook updates, seems like that break up was pretty rough......



yeahhhhhhhhhh.............. I saw that. Typically my policy is to not make "you tube videos" but if that helped then whatever.

Here's the fucking thing Cleveland. YOU are now becoming fucking creepy. Nobody feels sorry for you. In fact, nobody gives a shit about you or your shitty ass state. I know you had a good thing going with Lebron, and it was fun, it was nice, but shit it's over.

I don't know how it works in Ohio but where I come from we celebrate our natives accomplishments mainly because "they got the fuck out" But no, you have hate in your heart, and you want other people to feel as miserable as you.

This whole Lebron thing baffles me to no end. Everyone is fucking splooging over this video but I want to fucking puke. Honestly, we have people of Cleveland thinking that Lebron owes them something. Fucking Americans in general think they are entitled to shit. Well let me tell you something. NOBODY OWES YOU SHIT. especially a 25 year old basketball player. We don't get political on here, but I'll simply say that I'm seeing this more and more. That is, people expecting shit just because. Or ( and the more asinine stance in my opinion) an athlete betrayed you by making a personal decision. Get fucked Cleveland. The Drew Carey show sucked anyway.

The other thing I don't get is how everyone else (non-Cleveland/the ever increasing group think seen in the sports blog world) Holy shit a guy made a business decision. He took less money to play on a kick ass team. I'm pretty sure we've all done this on every single sports video game, and LeBron DID IT IN REAL LIFE. Was "The Decision" thing a little douchey? Yeah, but we've all done some douchey things in out life. Plus I'm fairly sure 95% would jump at the chance to have an hour of TV devoted to our career choices.

Soooo uhhhhhh yeah, there's the shit storm.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Throw a chaw in. It's Friday.

YES. Not sure about you guys, but this Friday's been a long time coming. I got some unwinding to do. Let's get on with it, then.

First of all, for all the ladies and gays out there, here's this commercial for the shakeweight -- FOR MEN.


I was thinking about getting Medal of Honor instead of Call of Duty: Black Ops, since I have several CoDs already. But Medal of Honor doesn't have this commercial, starring Kobe Bryant. Game: CoD.


I would have much rather seen Vladimir Guerrero do this. Still. Pretty funny. Rally Thong.


Our very own Zack Stovall gives people the smiles, and makes a baby cry.


Cesc Fabregas tweeted this Arsenal tribute video, and I'll confess to liking it. WARNING: Staind.


Ok, that's it for this week, friendos. Everybody go outside and have fun.

Kevin Garnett Will Show You Dullards The Fine Art of Debating

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Much has been made about this verbal confrontation between myself, Kevin Garnett, and Charles Villanueva, currently playing for the National Basketball Association's Detroit Pitons. This much-ballyhooed misunderstanding has been reported on various social networking websites, as well as venerable sports reporting television and radio stations, such as ESPN, FOX Sports Network, and Versus.

First and foremost, let me express my sincere regret that such a kerfuffle occurred at all. Mine is a game of passion, and desire, and determination, and as such, opposing sides can become consternated with one another, each going toward the same noble end of victory. Whether the victor or the vanquished, neither should be one to spoil.

Now to the matter at hand: That I, a veteran of our beloved association, receiving a bevy of personal and team accolades during this vaunted career, would stoop so low as to call a glabrescent Charles Villanueva a "cancer patient," in fact or in jest, to chide him as a competitor.

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is below even my most base faculties.

Malignant carcinogens are currently wreaking havoc across our fair lands, invading the fertile, beautiful plains of our Families and Friends not unlike unwelcome chariots of war. Each and every man, woman, and child can put a name, a face, and a memory to a victim of this dreaded affliction. Billions of dollars, countless man-hours, and an infinite amount of efforts and tears have been spent in the fight to halt their advances, so that we may all see brighter days. Let us take a moment of silence for those who have fallen...

/wipes tear from eye with fancy handkerchief in front coat pocket
//refolds it perfectly, puts back in front coat pocket

Now, to the points of clarification between the actual heated discourse of myself and Mr. Villanueva. I have voiced my clear aversion to using carcinogens as a form of ridicule, even for those who suffer from diseases rendering them tonsured, also common among those being treated for the vile disease. Not only is such banter offensive, but it is vulgar and beneath my well-tried facilties.

I prefer metaphors.

To say Mr. Villanueva is cancerous? Why, a more apt comparison could not be found! Find me a man who is as debilitating to his team's efforts than Mr. Villanueva! Find me a man who represents our beloved association as heinously and brazenly as Mr. Villanueva! Find me someone who is so deplorable, so abhorrent, so loathsome as he, one who makes the quality of those around him, those against him, and those in rank with him in our league so diminished that it can only be said he is a malignancy SUCH AS, to use a simple simile rather than an illustrative metaphor, a cancer. I implore you to find someone as abominable as Mr. Villanueva. I submit that you will not.

I do wish Charles Villanueva all of the best. He is, after all, a brother in arms. This fraternal bond we share from the Association is one not broken by mere verbal slings and arrows. But when I see a fellow associate enfeebling and enervating our high courts to such a low base? I shall call him out, and not a moment too soon, no matter what his depilous aesthetic may be.

I yield my time.

Good series, guys.

At least I got basketball to look forward to.

Well, the Cowboys are over for the season. So much so that they even made David Garrard and the Jags look like a dominating force over the weekend.

The longhorns lost to... I can't even say it. The Baptist school in Waco.

And now the Rangers lost in the World Series. So at least I got the Spurs to look forward to. After all, the finals will be played in an odd year, and the Spurs have won championships in the last four of six odd years. I got a good feeling about it.

OMG! LOOK OUT TIM! FUNK!


Man. Glad that's over-- OOOHHHH NO IT ISN'T!





/sobs

vids via The Basketball Jones

Monday Morning Sh*t Storm

Mike Piazza is such a douche. But he illustrates what today's storm is all about. Another one of the great intersections of sports and music.

We all know that music has different effects on people. We also know that athletes love to listen to some tunes before they go to work. They even make commercials about it.



So for today's shit storm, what songs would you use to get pumped up? What situation would you use a song in? In the locker room? On the bus? Walking out to take on Jon Cena at bash at the beach? Walking out at the Jake to shut down the Yankees?


I've got a lot of love for the art of choosing your theme music. Our basketball team in high school had the best mix tape of all time. More on that in a second. We would also judge other teams by their mix tape. One team from San Antonio ran out to Korn's "Blind." Seriously, they timed it so they would run out as soon as he yelled "ARE YOU READY?!" Fuck and that noise. No way we weren't going to beat that team by any less than 30.

We also had a secret ritual for away games. It involved a little music group I like to call Ace of Base. I'm not kidding.

When listening to "The Sign" and a couple of other AoB bangers, we lost one away game the entire season. The championship.

But back to the Shit Storm at hand. My selection comes from the very first song of our mix tape. "Top's Drop" by Fat Pat. Something about the crescendo at the beginning just gets me juiced.

Texas plates don't hate showin' up in the state.

So what's your pump-up jam? "More Human Than Human" by White Zombie? "Survivor" by Destiny's Child? Are you that much of a douche that you're going to say anything by the Dropkick Murphys? You are, aren't you.