Life Lessons from Herm Edwards

Surprisingly, I have nothing to say.

Analyzing Ceremonial First Pitches

Every professional baseball game has the ceremonial first pitch. This tradition kind of confused me at first, but when I realized how anticlimatic actual first pitches are, I understood that the ceremonial first pitch is a good substitute for a tip-off, face-off, kick off, or what have you.

So now I like the ceremonial first pitch. Specifically, I like that I know have a relatable benchmark to measure myself against people more famous/important/lucky than me. For instance, I know Ryan Reynolds is a sexy piece of ripped manmeat, but how's his arm? Two-seamer of four-seamer? Shit like that.

Our 43rd President had a baseball pedigree and even in retirement still had the oomph to throw a strike.

Which makes me wish he just caught that one dude's shoe and hummed it back at him. How awesome would that have been? As a comparison, the current President, an admitted White Sox fan, one-hopped his most recent effort.

There have been a string of recent memorable first pitches. Unfortunately for the youngest of the group, John Wall ended up doing his best Mariah Carey impression.

If I was in charge of the black arts of sports superstition, your best player throwing like a girl would be the equivalent of throwing a black cat through a mirror placed under a ladder.

Dirk's motion was pretty hilarious. He got the ball over the plate, but it probably wouldn't have been a strike, even on himself.


I would really like to know who could throw the best ceremonial first pitch. I'd love it if some celeb could sling one in the low 80s. I bet Redford could, back in the day. Furthermore, I think the holy grail would be some actress hucking a knuckleball that the catcher couldn't handle.

Until then, we'll just have to settle for either the embarrassment of local heroes, or shit like this.


BAAAAAAAALK!

Monday Morning Shit Storm

Over the weekend, several of the GRH Faithful convened in Alton, Illinois for mild debauchery and much rain dancing. While there, we adopted two young men who were canoeing down the length of the Mighty Mississippi River. Naturally, their tales of adventure was well received by we men of fortune. Going out on the river, living off the land and kindness of strangers and being men under the sun intrigued us greatly.

Then we drank a bunch of jello shots with them and they turned out to be chill guys.

You can follow their exploits here, but this leads the Hobbertariat to a greater query, aptly in time for the MMSS: Of any manly bucket list feat of masculine prowess one could reasonable accomplish, what would you do and why?

For example, Icehouse once rode a bicycle from Houston to Austin for charity. Hear hear, mighty Icehouse! However, if you've already done some great feat of note, understand it must come with a suggestion for something you'd like to do to. We require this as a toll for your braggardness, though we would enjoy hearing the tale.

I want to backpack through Europe. Literally, one backpack with my necessities, phone and credit card only for life-threatening emergencies, a set amount of cash (with an understanding that I may have to work or barter some of my belongings for more currency later), and the boots on my feet. I got a taste of it in high school, traveling from Paris to Rome, through Nice and Florence, but it was well-organized, comfortable, and I was in high school and was therefore retarded. I want to see it as a man.

Hobbers: Manly voyage, undertaking, or whatever. Commence.

Zach and Kendrick share a moment.

The following took place between 11:35 and 11:24 of the third quarter in game 4 of the Thunder/Grizzlies series.

Zach: Hey what's up fam?

Kendrick: [mumble]

Zach: Hey you like pork chops? I probably smell like pork chops. I had two on the way to the stadium today. Coach Hollins was all, 'yo, you're getting dijon sauce all over my suit' but I was like, 'watch yo ass.'"

Kendrick: [mumble]

Zach: Y'hear how Sam Young got his car jacked? You know who did it?

Kendrick: [mumble]

Zach: Say what? Motherfucker if you ain't bein' straight with me, we're gonna have more than words, you feel me?

Kendrick: [mumble]

Zach: Word?

Kendrick: [mumble]

Zach: Aight cuz. We straight. Hey what's a good casino round here? I went to this one indian cas--

Kendrick: [mumble]

Zach: My b. I went to this one Native American casino last week. I walked in the door and was immediately covered in smoke. They didn't even have no bar, just cigarettes. I walk around these broke ass machines and was all 'say where's the craps table?' They told me the only games they had was video poker. NOT A GAME, FAM. THAT'S BASICALLY A SLOT MACHINE.

Kendrick: [mumble]

Zach: For reals. Let's smush our manboobs together.














Carmelo: Whatchu think about this one, Chauncey?

Chauncey: Not his best work.

Carmelo: Word on that.

Mavs Win Championship; Party

The Mavericks finally won the 'chip over the weekend, outpimping everybody.


The Mavs were a better-built team, they are better coached and their best player(s) played very well. Moreover, their owner shut his trap and fans (for the most part) did not complain about the officiating of the game.

After game 6, they partied their asses off, which I think we can all respect. They went to LIV, (where LeBron's mom was arrested a couple of months ago) and owner Mark Cuban spent $300,000 (but the stingy motherfucker only left a 7% tip).

Below are some of my favorite pictures from the party.

Dirk takes $80,000 bottle of Ace straight to the dome. No flutes for the finals MVP.


Your dad was at the party. He's the bald one with the tucked-in shirt.
I'm also curious as to whether or not Ian Mahinmi had to pay for his own drinks. I would have made him buy a round of shots for every airball he had in the finals (that's four rounds of shots, people).

And of course, when someone loses $2 million by betting against you, you might as well be magnanimous and let him drink off your tab.


On the way home...


Then the Mavs did something pretty cool that we can actually relate to: they took the trophy to a local dive bar that has a reputation for serving extremely strong drinks and throwing my friend out when he pukes on himself. It is also the same place Dirk and Nash went on their well-documented excursion.


Brian Cardinal photobomb!


And of course, expelling the booze (note: this isn't at the Loon).


Unfortunately, nobody remembered to tell Deshawn Stevenson that you're supposed to stop drinking after a spell. He was arrested in Irving for public intoxication. Something so sad about seeing Abraham Lincoln in a mug shot.


One thing's for certain. The Mavs had at least one angel on their side.

The 1,000 Club

Well it's been a long hard ride Hobbers, but we've finally reached our 1,000 post. If you know any of us you know that we like to party, so we partied in the only way we know how.

PODCASTING!!!

Listen to internet radio with Theghostofroyhobbs on Blog Talk Radio

Honestly, it went really well. Stovall is a natural host, Icehouse brings the flavor, and once I stop hitting the hold button on my Iphone and talking over people we'll make millions!!! We'll have a pretty good show.

In the future we'll have some guests on with some relevant topics.

It will be awesome.

We thank you for your support.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Oof. Icehouse hasn't been here in a while, and that's mostly my fault. I say mostly, but it's everyone's fault besides mine. Whatever. Daddy's here now and he's got some sweet ass content for you.

Not really, it's mostly pictures that have been sitting on my desktop. God I'm lazy.

So let's get it kicked off!

First up, even though Free Darko is no longer, you can still get some sweet ass stuff from their store, but it's for a limited time only. If anyone wants to buy me this poster, I'd send you a thank you email.


Moving on, here's a very uncomfortable ticket to a game.


Andrei Kirilenko is doing more to become the WereRussian.


Hockey is happening. So is this.


JaVale McGee now has a Guiness World Record, and it's not for having the most capitalized letters in his name.


Joe Paterno is contemplative, and has some ice cream.


Be nice to bikers. They have to deal with some serious bullshit.


Shawn Marion hasn't given a fuck in ages.


Steve Breaston be deep, yo.


This video is kind of the shit, but on the real, nobody should be comparing LeBron (or anyone for that matter) to Michael Jordan. Moreover, Scottie Pippen is a dumbshit.


All things considered, this is a pretty legit brawl.


Scooter Biceps is hilarious.


Have fun out there, fuckers. Also, we have a surprise coming for you for the next post. One love.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

Well this happened

(well played Japan)

Obviously this is great, however it begs the question. What other sporting events could we pit professionals and 100 kids against each other?

You would think football, and I'd agree with you, but this is what I'm thinking. We have 100 kids in a skate park trying to skate(all at the same time) against Tony Hawk.

It would be a confined park for comedic purposes, but I just really want to see him plow through 100 kids then do a 900 then do some ollie of their head. That would be fun right?

Shit storm begin

Don't Mess With the Street

You can make fun of me all you want. But I have several rules. Don't mess with my family, don't mess with my dog, and don't mess with SESAME STREET.



I know we don't like politics on this blog, but I feel that if you come at Big Bird, I have to step up.

So here's the first problem. Shapiro obviously got his ass kicked in school. "I want to put a cap in them?" That was easily the least gangster shit I've ever seen in my entire life, and trust me, I know non-gangster shit. I look in the mirror every morning.

You wan't to see something gangster? Here's Bert and Ernie calling fish into a boat.

Next he says Sesame Street was made for "impoverished blacks and hispanics." Which is partially true. Sesame Street was made for ALL low socio-economic children. So that they would have a supplementary resource TO LEARN HOW TO READ, WRITE, AND PERFORM BASIC MATH SKILLS. So yes, In a country that these assholes think they live in. A country where everyone can make it if you work hard. Sesame Street is a bad thing, because It's an educational resource for kids to learn (Kids, who may not have all the shithead resources your parents bought for you.)

Let me make my point a little more to clearer. He said Sesame Street was bad because it helps low socio-economic kids learn. Learning is bad.

So yes. All of those studies that show how Sesame Street is correlated to increased academic achievement are bullshit. Especially during formative years which are critical to a child's development. But yes, bash Sesame Street because it helps kids learn, it's a shocking thing to do, and you're an asshole.

But here's the funny thing. I watched a ton of Sesame Street growing up, as well as Square One!!! and Reading Rainbow. However, people who know me would tell me I'm fairly conservative. I bitch all the time about taxes, and bureaucracy. But shit I still kiss my copy of The Wealth of Nations before I go to bed every night. I guess I wasn't corrupted by all those words and numbers Big Bird threw into my face. You know who else used words and numbers? STALIN!!!

Speaking of Adam Smith, do you ever get the feeling that these people like the IDEA of Adam Smith and not the actual philosophy? I mean I like the idea of being a vegetarian, but shit, I love those steaks.

I mean, shit they were bitching about a male prom queen in VA. (and to Ms. USA 2008: hmmmmmm looks like SOMEONE lost a prom election) But really, isn't a prom court essentially a representation of the open market of high school popularity? Isn't this the competition you speak of? Let me give you other examples of the capitalism (market) we all know and love. The Presidential Election, The Grange Fair Apple Pie competition, The Baseball Hall of Fame, the NFL Hall of Fame, being in a relationship, finding a spouse, Being a successful Radio host, Being a successful TV host. A gay kid won prom queen and wasn't killed and strapped to a fence. There are worse things that can happen.

If you'll allow me to put on my tin foil hat, here's where I think these people aren't actually Americans, but rather, CHINESE SPIES!!! EVERY blue blooded American knows that nobody actually gives a shit about the prom king/queen. We didn't even have a court in high school and I bet most people couldn't remember their king/queen. Point is, everyone knows that prom isn't about that. It's about getting wasted at the after party. Shit, that's like America 101.

But here's the real problem. They make fun of liberal douchetards for trying to force their agenda on them, yet they want people to watch THEIR shows, read THEIR books, Live in the world like THEM. So congrats guy who got his ass kicked in high school, Ms. USA 2008, and Shawn Uberamerican. You've succeeded in making me disagree with you just as much as I disagree with self righteous liberals. I didn't use the word hate because Elmo taught me not to use that word.

Way to go assholes, you just went and pissed off the wrong crew.


But I hear you loud and clear. Teaching kids is wrong. I'm done here, take the mic Ernie