CLEVELAND, Ohio -- Cleveland head coach Eric Mangini is being referred to as a "blessing" and "God send" by people who don't even know that he is the head coach of their beloved Browns.
According to sources, Mangini has been frequenting a local Shoney's every night for the past four months without fail, and single-handily keeping the franchise doors open with his gargantuan orders to quell what regulars and waitresses call "the worse case of depression I have ever seen."
"I mean, this is a 24-hour Shoney's. We see a lot of hardship every day, but nothing like that chubby buddy," said graveyard-shift waitress Glenda "Star" Roberts. "God bless that poor, poor man. He does leave good tips, though, but I think it's because he doesn't feel like counting change and just leaves a few $10s and $20s."
"One time he looked at me and said 'Sure is raining hard,'" said fellow regular Jim Haverdy. "Then he tried to smile, but with the tears and the gritted teeth and all, it look like he was trying to crap out a hernia."
Cook David Escobar says that Mangini's orders two Lumberjack meals, one Grand-Slam, as well as extra bacon and coffee throughout the meal, pausing only to inaudibly sob or stare blankly out the window overlooking the parking lot and I-55.
"He's never brought anybody before," said Escobar. "Lotta food for a little man. But, God, we're struggling here. And if it's this fat kid's sorrows that's keeping me some steady pay, go Ravens, or whoever."
In order to lift their prized customer's spirits only enough to not kill himself, but keep him depressed enough to attempt to eat himself out of his painful 0-3, quarterback-less situation, Shoney's Inc. has invited Andy Griffith to come after every Browns loss to hand-deliver a $10 gift certificate.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment