The Ballad of Casey

Youtube is gay, watch the video here.
(deadspin.com)

**Update** Reeeeemixxxxxxx


Bullying is a major problem in all schools, especially with the advent of the internet and phone cameras. Usually we see bullies ridiculing a young kid, however sometimes the bullying goes terribly...wrong.

Enter Casey, champion of Wallaby middle school, defender of hope and freedom, and prolific power bomber.

But this video doesn't do our young hero justice. Who is he? Why is he picked on? What pushed him over the edge? Well don't worry dear reader we have our own theories at GRH.

I give you, The Ballad of Casey.

-Lattimer

Casey is an 8th grader at Wallaby middle school in Sydney Australia. Known as the smartest kid in his class, Casey devotes most of his time to studying and immersing himslef in arts, music and literature under the watchful eye of his single mother. You see, Casey's mom never wanted him to turn out like his father so they moved to Australia at a young age and she forbade him from playing rough house with other kids, and traditional Aussie sports like football and rugby. As a result of his cultured lifestyle, Casey was constantly picked on by the other boys.

But Casey did have one friend, his next door neighbor Nicole. (girl at the end) Nicole liked Casey because they both had honors classes together, and Casey would usually help Nicole on difficult math problems. Nicole, would tell Casey to not let Ricky (hat) and her on and off again boyfriend A.J (white shirt) bully him so much. Casey would shrug it off saying "I can't." Soon she would learn why.

One night Nicole came over to Casey's house early to get started on their science fair project. Casey's mom wasn't home so she figured he was just sleeping in late on a Saturday. However, when she entered the house she heard strange noises coming from the basement. Being the curious girl she is, Nicole went to investigate. What she saw shocked her. Casey was performing highly skilled martial arts moves, power cleaning bags of cement, and punching holes in the concrete walls. Startled, she made a quiet gasp, which sent Casey across the basement and placing her in a sleeper hold. Realizing what he had done, he apologized and told Nicole his secret.

Casey's father was a government MK-Ultra agent, a secret assassin with super human skills who died in the line of duty. Somehow during Casey's conception, he obtained his father's DNA strands containing those skills. He didn't move to Australia for a change of scenery, it was for his own protection. In kindergarten he jammed a block down a kid's throat, and sat on another's killing him instantly. Unfortunately this alerted his father's old enemies.

During the video, young Casey was explaining Algebra to the two young girls when Ricky and A.J show up. Casey had tried to explain to Nicole that A.J was bad news. (His father was the drug king of Sydney and A.J was his rep for the public schools) Things came to a front when Casey discovered A.J was trying to slip Rufalin into Nicole's Mountain Dew at the valentines dance. Casey threatened A.J, but had to back down. A.J, wanting revenge set his lackey, Ricky to embarrass Casey. As you can see Casey was unphased by the weak punches, however something set him off. Not heard in the video is Ricky whispering "Your father was a pussy." Feeling uncontrollable rage inside him, he picked up Ricky and droped him on the pavement. When A.J intervened, Casey used his years of yoga and meditation to calm himself. Nicole, knowing Casey's power quickly tries to calm A.J, but to no avail. As A.J turns the corner he grabs Casey's backpack. Casey swings the bag, placing the straps around A.J's neck, hanging him from the coat rack, and throwing several blows to the head and torso.

Our scene ends with Casey sitting in ISS. Meanwhile, Sergei Zobakov (An ex KGB) watches the youtube video, and ordering his men to assemble. Miraj Ahman (PLO leader) Clicks a link on his twitter feed and smirks. Juan Montoya (Columbian Revolutionary) sees his troops lauging at a video when he looks his eyes widen. Col. Richard McCrystal (MK-Ultra Handler) is watching a large screen in the command center and says "Get me the President." Finally we see Nicole passing by the ISS room waving to Casey who is in deep meditation, that is until his eyes suddently open.
/Credits

-Stovall
In a world of chaos, of terrorism, of tsunamis, of hurricanes, and of disaster, it's safe to believe that there are no protectors out there, keeping the world from decending into further turmoil. You'd be wrong.

"We're here to help you. We're here to help."

One global agency has existed since before the inception of recorded history. A selfless legion of protectors who must decide when to avert disaster...and when to let some continue.

"We can't be discovered...if they knew we could make ALL danger go away, the result would be...even more tragic..."

Shrouded in secrecy and devoted to anonymity, this legion would stay intact throughout the ages, carrying on their forefathers' legacies on through their own family lines and generations of children, each taught to keep their powers - powers of great strength, flight, speed, and nigh invulnerability - safely hidden from the rest of mankind.

"We keep even worse things from happening Casey. We can't be discovered. We're here to help."

Until Casey.

"MOM, why can't we keep all bad things from happenin-..."
"NO, there must be some darkness to enjoy the light, and we have the power to..."
"But MY LIFE is nothing but darkness..."

One boy who has the power to stop anyone's hurting, including his own, but sworn to protect an vow of secrecy for himself and his family until...

BODYSLAM

"Do you realize what you've done, son, what you've COMPROMISED?"

From the producers of 'Jumper' and 'Independence Day,'...

"I couldn't any more, WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE WORLD, FATHER?"

Comes the story of a young boy...

"We can't do this any more Casey, you're either with us or against us..."

Who had all of the power in the world...

"You made me a target for bullies...on purpose?!"

To help himself...

"Who would suspect you have the ability to hold up dams, or tackle tornadoes?"

And others...

"It's my LIFE."

Just like him...

"I saw what you did in there...it was...brave..."
"Thanks...and thanks for stopping them from doing anything else..."

and just like her...

"IT'S. YOUR. DUTY...how do you think this is going to end, Casey?"

"I saw what you did in there...it was...brave..."

"I don't know...but I have to try..."

(slow mo)Casey lifts the ground to curb an oncoming lava wave
(slow mo) Casey standing in front of family being shot by a gang
(fast motion) Casey flies directly into tsunami wave, reversing its direction with a BOOM

UNBULLYABLE

"You can't help all of them. No matter how many you save, they'll hate you for it. You'll still be bullied, or worse, my son."

Casey, flying in mid air, holds hand up to oncoming commercial airliner heading directly for the White House

"That doesn't matter anymore."

BOOM.

...July 4, 2012...

www.ihavethepower.com

Monday Morning S--t Storm

Holy balls the Fab Five 30 for 30 was out of this world. It literally had so many themes to it that I can't even tell what I'm thinking about right now. We make fun of ESPN all the time, but the 30 for 30 has been nothing short of outstanding.

Anyway, other than the actual basketball and the cultural impact, it showed how much money Michigan made off of these kids. The most revealing point was that prior to the Fab Five Michigan had 1.6 Million in Merchandise revenue. After their freshman year? 10.6 million. The merchandise sales always get me because they are never factored into the profits for athletic departments.

It seems like the most pertinent topic at this moment, with Cam Newton pay for play, and the tOSU merchandise situation coming out.

So, for the shit storm, should college athletes be able to make money off of their likeness? Should they be paid in general?

I don't know about paying athletes because that just opens up a whole can of worms, but I've really never had a problem with players selling their merchandise or even their likeness. If you look at tOSU somebody didn't want Terrell Pryor's jersey because it was a tOSU jersey, they wanted it because it was a TP tOSU jersey. That is, TP's play on the field made people want that. I also find it funny that if I buy a standard #2 tOSU jersey there is no name on the back, but if a buy a custom #2 with Pryor on the back I have to pay more money.

That's a real basic way to look at it, but we can hash it out in the comments.

Shit storm begin.

Stan Van Gundy's posse is crazy than yours.

Icehouse is watching the Orlando Magic and Phoenix Suns play the ABC Sunday game. A couple of things have occurred to me. These are the unorganized thoughts that have popped into my head.

-Time Warner Cable is really bad. Like, really bad.

-Vince Carter is a hobo.

-Marcin Gortat wishes he still played on the same team as Dwight Howard.

-Aaron Brooks should be forced to stay within ten feet of Robin Lopez, because they look hilarious next to each other.

-Aaron Brooks should learn how to pass.

-Dwight Howard loves his job.

-Stan Van Gundy is gangster (see photo above).

-I saw a commercial advertising chicken and waffles. My cable cut out towards the end, because Time Warner is really shitty, so if somebody could let me know who is selling chicken and waffles, that would be a big help.

-The Clippers mascot is a rabbit. I am baffled.

-Mike Wilbon is a putz.

-Robin Lopez does nothing except for hack Dwight Howard, which makes him Sideshow Bob, except I hate seeing him on tv.

-Time Warner sucks.

LOLLERBLADES!

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Eric Gordon knows what's up.

Yes. YES. Not a cloud in the sky and Dallas's version of St. Patrick's day is tomorrow. Icehouse gon drank. Icehouse is ready.

Are you? Probably. Let's get to the videos.

First of all, here's the trailer for "Where the Trail Ends."


Somebody took all of Gareth Bale's highlights from his game against defending European Champion Inter Milan and made it into a dope-ass animated video. It's purty.


You like cricket? Do you?


Trailer for the new Travis Rice film, The Art of FLIGHT. They use the same camera technology as Planet Earth and the best snowboarders in the world to make this gorgeousness.


WINNING at Call of Duty. (Warning: Lead-in ad)


Cheerleaders freak out over anything.


Jacob Tucker. Dunk highlight reel. Worth your time.


Blake Griffin makes a Mars Blackmon tape for USC Tight End Jordan Cameron. Except they miss the crucial line. For shame.


OUTFUCKINGSTANDING. LET'S GO GET FUNKY.

On Professional Basketball Players Playing Worse Than I Would Play Professional Basketball

When I watch a professional athlete perform, I usually have to stand in awe and silent acknowledgement that I could never do what he does. When I see Mr. Pujols drive a ball into the upperdecks, I remember how not far my longest homer ever sailed. The same is true for Peyton Manning flinging a ball 60 yards with a flick of his wrist into a hole the size of a basket.

This acknowledgement is never as profound as it is when I watch NBA basketball. I could practice hitting, or passing, but you can't practice being tall. Even "little" guys like Steve Nash are 6'3" or so. THAT'S TALL, YO.

So you can't imagine my utter disappointment when I see some overgrown sliltish oaf playing basketball at a level under my own. Enter Brad Miller. Enter Disappointment.

Anyone who touches the ball thrice, each time to subsequent disastrous effect, is worse than I am. Even I know when to NOT touch the ball. His time was right after he gave it to Nash. The first time. I can only imagine the diasappointment of those he was also playing with:

Kyle Lowry: "What the hell, BRAD."
Miller: (low grumbling) "Man, I dunno...I just tried....play hard...tough loss....guurrrhhhh...tough play."
Aaron Brooks: (slapping Miller's hand away) "No, Brad. The postgame spread is for people who aren't made of fuckup."
Miller: "Real tough los-..."
Chase Buddinger: "Thanks a lot, BRAAAAD."
Miller: "You're welcome? Err...Anyone want to go clubbing?"
Luis Scola: "No, BRAAAAAD."
Miller: "Tough loss."

Again, tough loss. But then again, it could've been less tough if, you know, he hadn't blow the game all single handedly and whatnot.

A word on Heat players crying in the locker room:

Sayeth Black Mamba:

“If guys are crying in the locker room, guys are crying in the locker room. That doesn’t mean they’re chumps. That doesn’t mean they’re soft. It doesn’t mean anything.”

That's right, everybody. Kobe Bryant is the single rational voice we've heard this week.