Monday, March 9, 2009

“I had such f*ckin’ hopes for us.”

“I had such f*ckin’ hopes for us.”
-Det. Jimmy McNulty


Well, now you’re a Bill. Great. I hope it works out for you. I really and truly do. I was personally holding out hope that the Titans would bring you back home, and add the one thing they’ve been missing. But you know, you gotta do right by you.

A lot of folks have been saying things like “don’t let the door hit you on the way out.” That’s not me. I watched you on virtually every play. I saw what you did. I saw what you gave, and you earned your keep, as far as I’m concerned. Unfortunately, I feel like I’m the only person that saw it. You see, people here in Dallas tend to read tabloids and the like. Because of this, most people remember 2007 like this.


Not me, Terrell. I actually watched the games. You blocked your ass off. Felix Jones probably owes half his touchdowns to you, and those were some sweet touchdowns. On the best days, you could finish someone off and beat whoever had the ball to the end zone. Those were the good days. Jason Witten owes half of his touchdowns to you, also. Most defenses were freaking out about how to stop you from doing anything.

Mostly, as a Cowboys fan, I’ll remember that you put an end to Drew Bledsoe’s reign of terror. You know what it’s like watching Drew Bledsoe play football? It’s like watching paint dry. Then age. Then crack. Then fall leafily to the ground. As a fan of the game, I’ll remember you the way you deserve to be remembered, as the best player on the field for my team.

Most people only see the “I love me some me” side of you. They even mock the sensitive, team player side of you.
That’s because people are haters, T.O. You just have to shake haters off.

But that’s neither here nor there.

I’m really looking forward to some good stuff coming from you being teamed up with Marshawn Lynch. Hopefully you hit it off with him. I don’t know why, but I think you guys might see eye to eye on some issues.

Have fun up there, man. If you need me to drive up there and whoop Trent Edward’s ass, just holla. I’ll do it. For you, Terrell. For you.

Monday Morning S--T Storm

Starting on a more serious note.

last night I stumbled across a website (tastefully) entitled Pimp This Bum!

URL's aside, the site posts videos of homeless individuals in Houston and asks for donations. Maybe I just have a soft spot in my heart, but it's worth a look.

Now, in some weird way this is actually related to the Shit Storm I had planned.

Currently the national unemployment level is around 8.1%.

People are hurting, and I recently read several articles suggesting that even professional sports may need to cut back.

So in the unlikely event that this does happen, what in the hell will pro athletes do for a living?

And that my fellow Hobbers, is the Shit Storm.

Lets match some pro athletes with some steady jobs.

My first selection, just so we can get it out of the way.


Mike Vick, host of the new Animal Planet show called "Whats up Dog" where Mike travels around the country interviewing celebrities and their pets.

OK that was weak, another example.


RAY LEWIS: preacher/CutCo rep.

Alright Hobbersonians let your dirty minds run wild.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Athletics Under Attack

Our spiritual founder Roy Hobbs came down from the heavens and demanded that Icehouse start our humble expirement. He also gave him various rules, one of which was "no POLFLAWARS." (no politics)

But you know what Roy? Rules are made to be broken.

Observe:
North Carolina State Senator Charlie Albertson (Democrat, but you know what, dumb ass is a bi-partisan thing) wants to ban sports in schools which half of the students perform under the 50th percentile in either state standardized tests, or end of cousre exams. (Read all of it's glory here)

Now, On the surface, something inside of all of us says, "Hey this is a good thing...Education is important." And yeah, I agree, in fact I'm totally balls deep for education, but this bill reaks of Summers Eve.

Let's break this mother down:

1. Albertson is suggesting the use of criterion-referenced tests.
Criterion-referenced tests are assessments that reveal a students performance relative to their peers'. These tests will place students in a certain percentile range, meaning there will be a 99th percentile and a 1st percentile. Here's the problem. Lets say you are applying to Harvard and scored a 1200 combined on the SAT. (old scoring method) A fine score to say the least, however, relative to Harvard's incoming class you would most likely be in the 1st percentile, meaning 99% of Harvard's freshman class scored better than you. Essentially these tests don't measure actual achievement, they simply measure a students rank. If you really want to do this why not use a Norm-referenced test? You know, something that assesses actual achievement? This may seem like a small issue, but it represents the fact that most legislators are comepletely ignorant towards education. I won't go into all the other testing issues, so let's just leave this in the stupid category.

2. Albertson does not want to punish athletes.
"We certainly want our kids to keep playing sports because we know how important that is, but we need to remember the first thing about a school is to be able to learn to read and write and do math,"

(Cough) Bullshit (Cough)

Albertson fails to recognize a simple rule implemented by every state. IN ORDER TO COMPETE IN INTERSCHOLASTIC COMPETITION STUDENT ATHLETES MUST MEET A MINIMUM GRADE REQUIREMENT. So yes Albertson, you are punishing athletes, because you are including an entire school in your requirements. So basically you are setting up a hypothetical situation where an entire basketball team could have 4.0's yet they would not be allowed to compete because their classmates finished in the bottom 50 percentile in standardized tests. Excellent logic, let's take a good rule that encourages academic achievement in athletics, and take a flamethrower to it....Awesome.

(FYI, go ahead and Google scholar/JSTOR/ERIC "academic achievement athletics")

3. Just Athletics.

When I initially read this I thought it included all extra-curricular activities. (Which still doesn't make sense) But I was wrong. No, Albertson simply wants to suspend athletics. This is really what chaps my ass, and why I feel athletics are under attack. First thing, lets just assume that Albertson is thinking rationally. If he is, I'd wager that he feels the extra time commitment to athletics dminishes academic achievement. Now lets go into fairy land and assume this is true. Now, at this point what is the fucking difference between Drama Club and Soccer? Yearbook and Basketball? Band and Football?

Oh I get it, those other activities have "good kids."


Fuck that noise.

In my personal experience, I've seen athletics(and extra-curriculars in general) have a significant impact on kids. I've seen some that work hard in school in hopes of a scholarship, and I've seen others who don't drop out simply because they want to play ball. Finally, I've seen athletes in struggling schools who are honor students.

I think my big issue with this is the fact that it involves non-athletes in the decision. Meaning, we have Johhny Slacker walking around pulling ABACADABA's on these tests. He could give two shits about the softball team. But Albertson says that if too many Johnny's F up, then you better take that fast pitch elsewhere.

If you really want more academic expectations on student athletes, we can do that, but let's use a better standard and apply it on an individual level.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!


My two heroes. Together. I didn't get the invite, I guess.

So after having a lot of the country get puked on in the form of tons of late-winter snow, it is now HOTT! HOT IN HERRE! And it's Friday. It is time to go to the fuck outside.

But anyways, for today's fun bag, something really, really weird. I didn't even know that they had handicapped hockey, but apparently it suffers from the same idiocy that regular hockey does: bloodlust.


Furthermore, who doesn't love demolition derbies? They're pretty much what cars were made for. Now this video, being some fucking cowards, won't let me embed here, but seriously. Click on it. I would totally watch Nascar if it were more like this.

We've pretty much had every Bron commercial on this site, so we might as well have this one, too. Notice Weezy not being too happy about someone dirtying up his sneaks.


Chances are, everybody's seen this. I don't particularly care, since it is still Digger Phelps getting down and dirty with some UCLA cheerleaders. Digger has all the moves.


Starbury is back with the Kid. That's pretty much all I'm going to say.


Yes. YES! No more flourescent lights or staring at a computer, reading boring ass shit all day. It's the goddamn weekend.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

An Exit Strategy to the Steroids Era


You know the sport is in a bad way when the offseason sounds as dramatic or more so than the actual season itself.

America's Pastime finds itself in a bad way revving up the 2009 season.

A chemical substance is now more important than any single active player right now. No one is above suspicion. Baseball had a savior from the Legacy of Bonds in Alex Rodriguez, who until a few weeks ago was on track to be proclaimed not only the Home Run King, but perhaps the greatest player of all time.

Then you realize how quickly perceptions can change.

A-Rod came out and 'fessed up, and as much as I hate to say it, set a course to get all of baseball out of the Steroids Era once and for all. I hate A-Rod as much as the next guy, even before his assumed dismissal from Cooperstown. But his strategy here, if mimicked by the League, might just do the trick.

Rodriguez himself confessed to the transgression. He went on air and said what everyone was already thinking, rather than impugn himself to possibly worse in the court of public appeal. It's the only court that's judging A-Rod right now anyway.

Baseball — the Union, management, etc. — needs to do the same thing. They need to use the admittedly damning yet valuable information from the Mitchell Report, other confessions, and other testimony and just come out collectively. It will be painful. It will be costly. It will forever be a blemish on the character of the game.

But isn't that where we are now? America's Pastime, my left butt cheek!, they clamor from the gallows. The Good Name of Baseball is now and forever tarnished in the annals of history, regardless of asterisks, font colors or fine print. There is no one above steroids at this point, no matter how Derek Jeter claims the contrary. A-Rod was, begrudgingly by some, baseball's last hope. No body in their right mind suspected him of using steroids until a report that was supposed to have been safeguarded outed him.

Facing it like men and claiming full responsibility is the only way to get something close to what is commonly called closure.

But we've all heard that sorrowful, responsibility-harking, call before. Hasn't really worked, has it?

That step isn't as absolutely necessary as this next one.

Get over it, kids. Just get over it.

Closure is all well and good. If you can get some level of it, it makes everything all the more better, but don't think for a minute that whatever one is trying to get closure from can't be simply forgotten or alleviated by good ole fashioned time.

Getting over it will be hard, because bad news is good news for the news business.

The ESPN Behemoth can't stop and won't stop, and I'm sorry to say, they're an important piece of this conciliatory puzzle, because they generate the most gregarious fodder (unless a certain collection of commentators and/or citizen journalists can united against them...HOBBERS ASSEMBLE!!!).

Buster Olney, after all, needs a new lunch box

It seems that many involved in the game don't want this era to end, because to do so might somehow either impugn the game by admitting the era exists at all, which as we've discussed, is a moot point these days, or that somehow the situation ought to be brought up ad naseum until every single name of every single person who thought about taking steroids ever.

The Steroids Era has come. The Steroids Era is trying to pass. The names are out there. More names will be dug up. Hall of Fame careers will be judged well and they will be judged poorly. The game can't help that. It's as much a part of the era as the juice itself. But that could very well be the net loss. I mean, I was in junior high during the Return to Glory in '98 with Sosa and McGuire. I know now that it was all fueled by roids, but it doesn't mean I didn't enjoy watching it then. Simply losing the hindsight respect could be that net loss.

Rather than the alternative. The game could be irreparably damaged, sent to the gallows of games like ringer. Baseball must uproot itself and move beyond its horrid past. Remember it, so as not to repeat it, but don't make it bigger than the game. Like it is right now.

Let's move on. That's the spirit of the nation these days. Let's pick ourselves up off the ground, dust ourselves off, and get to the business of of fixing baseball.

Caption Contest!



Yes indeed, yes indeed. It's a new Wednesday and a new Caption Contest!

Tim: THERE CAN ONLY ONE HIGHLANDER!!!

Or maybe this.

Pau: "Hey! Hey where'd you go?!"

Tim: "Pickaboo!"

Pau: "Ohh! There you are!"

Or perchaps...

Pau: "Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena. Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria y cosa buena. Dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena. Heeeeey Macarena! Aiyy!"

Tim: "I just scored a three-point J."

Pau: "Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena. Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria y cosa buena. Dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena. Heeeeey Macarena! Aiyy!"

Hobbers — Now, go do that voodoo that you do so well.