Want to know why ESPN sucks?

Sure. I get it. It's a late Tuesday afternoon. Not a lot of big news going around the country. Baseball is already into its second week, NBA playoffs are nigh, and each are far too long. Life is great.

I also understand the Feast and Famine atmosphere of the news business. There's never any middle ground; Either you're awash in too much information, only bits of which you can possibly hope to retain, or your in the middle of the desert, desperately hoping for a drop of sweat to quench your thirst. Maybe there's a famine period going on today for the folks in Connecticut.

But here's my primary beef with ESPN: If it isn't newsworthy, don't report it. And certainly don't make it your featured headlines (plural! /slaps forehead). Here's a glance at the so-called "headlines" from ten-til-five today.


* De La Hoya says his time in the ring is over — Oh, really? This isn't news, this is olds; The Golden Boy has been out of the game since the idea that he could ever do anything other than punch people for a living entered everyone's mind.

* Beckett suspended for nearly beaning Abreu — Nearly beaning? What? No bloodshed? That's barely a story. Josh Beckett's soul patch is a bigger story than that.

* Isiah Thomas named basketball coach at FIU — STOP THE PRESSES! The much-maligned Knickerbocker has returned to the collge ranks in the gully of the ballyhooed SUN BELT CONFERENCE to take on the likes of ARKANSAS STATE and WESTERN KENTUCKY! Let me know if he can get them to dunk and/or get people to care.

* Celtics' Allen suspended for elbowing Varejao — Ray Allen is mad gangsterish. He's throwing 'bows. He also looks like Charlie Villanueva, the hairless wonder.

* Xavier to introduce Mack as new head coach — You lost me when 'Xavier' was anything other than the Professor from X-Men.

* Connecticut center Thabeet to enter NBA draft — Duh.

* Autopsy shows Kalas died from heart disease — Mournful as this was yesterday, this is an addendum to an earlier story. Emphasis on 'yesterday.'

* Duke point guard Paulus works out for Packers — ESPN is treating this move of a college athelete abahdeetabahdeetabahdeet (double-take noise) playing another sport (like Julius Peppers, Matt Jones, etc. etc. ad nasuem) like it's yet another sequel to Air Bud, a film which, by the way, garnered very little attention from the Academy.

* E:60: Air quality at ice rinks causes concern — Concern....from the one fan who was watching hockey? Or the three fans watching figure skating?

* Rumors: Quinn, like Montana, may be a 49er (Insider) — This is the most egregious of them all, and it's labeled the biggest one, only to be viewed by the most select and dignified of readers (/extends pinky).

Quinn went to Notre Dame. He won zero championships and was best known for being totally super cute. Joe Montana went to Notre Dame, nearly won a Heisman, a national championship, and oh by the way, won three Super Bowls as a 49er. The fact that they both went to Notre Dame — of which, I am a fan, by the way — only matters in one regard: They're both honkies. Other than that the comparisons should stop.

This last post is the most clear example, along with the others as corroborating evidence, that ESPN loves to make stories where there are, in fact, none.

But again, that's not news. That's olds. Or it should be. Just go here or here for your sports news. Or grab a ball and make news happen yourself.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

What a glorious weekend, but now we're back at work, which sucks.

Sports are great, because we can all debate topics without any concern for logic and reason.


Think about it, literally everyone can be an expert as long as they watch an average amount of games. (And listen to the real experts on ESPN)

Don't get me wrong, I love sport debates. Shoot, they are down right fun sometimes, especially since you can basically throw anything out there and see if it sticks.

So for the shit storm give me the best sports debate/argument/reasoning.

And by best mean dumbest/pointless/ESPN like.

In essence, the shit storm is about....well the best shit storm.

I'll give you my personal favorite, which I use all the time: Stats.

I'll use stats if they favor me, but when they don't I just bring out the system/era/teammates card. It's great.

And just to be clear, you can throw down some specific storms like "BEST TEAM EVAR!!!" or reasoning such as "If so and so played on the so and so's he'd be in the hall."

Also, if you're having trouble with this just watch some ESPN, or go to some fan site such as Rivals and just see what they are talking about.

You can also find some good material with the draft coming up.

Worst case, just say something like Tebow vs. Vince Young

Ok shit storm begin.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Fucking right. This has been a big week. Baseball season returned, much to the delight of Ryan Howard's liver. We cut down the internets, and the Masters returned to show the surrounding neighborhoods of Augusta, Georgia what a Klan rally's demographics are.

Awesome.

So Zack is currently imprisoned in what I like to call, "Rewrite hell," and Lattimer has taken to the woods for his annual steel cage deathmatch between him and his two most hated rivals: a snake and a bobcat.

So here I am, and here we go.

First, the annual automakers convention has produced some serious wienermobiles. Oh well. As long as people can still do this, it'll be alright. No, they won't let me embed this, sorry.

Aries Spears is funny and good at doing impressions. That's all you really need to know.


So I haven't watched wrasslin' in a while, but I really wished that I had known Wrestlemania was going on when I was in Houston last weekend. But then, I found out that WWE is now nothing but wanksters battling each other. Wack.


Naturally, the No Fun League punishes people for fun, but some enterprising fellow took it upon themselves to record Sportscenter's top ten touchdown celebrations. Remember the good old days? When you could have fun playing football?


If you don't know about Team Flight Brothers, then that means you haven't seen the best sports YouTube video of 2007. Well, it's true.


Yes. Sweet. Easter means candy.

Nothing to do with sports

I'm on vacation.

Via the ohhh so awesome EDSBS.

Caption Contest!

Since we are equal-opportunity roasters here at the Ghost, we have yet another Presidential Opening Day Caption Contest.

"Change-up you can believe in."

or...

"I told you Obama's a lefty!"

or...

"From The Big Lead: FUCK THIS, WHAT'S MICHELLE WEARING?!"

Step up to the plate and knock this picture out of the park.

The Ghost of Roy Hobbs Conquers the Internet

So yesterday we had a post about Marty B's world. As it happened, several other sports blogs had it, too. The first was the imitable Kissing Suzy Kolber. Now, if you follow that link, then click on the link for the hat tip, where does it take you?

RIGHT THE FUCK BACK HERE! YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT!

Anyways, since we have a paltry but lovable readership, and KSK has an enormous and hideously awful readership, things proliferated from there. With Leather picked it up, but if you follow THEIR hat tip, it'll take you where? That's right. Follow the yellow trick road, muhfuckas. Finally, Deadspin got it. That chain's a little harder to follow, but it's root is all here.

The Big Lead will probably have something on this next week. And they'll claim that they found it. That's how those knobslobberers roll.

This is the only blog you should ever read. Top o' the world, ma!