Monday Morning S--t Storm

The Oscars happened last night so it only seems proper to address our specialty.

Sports Movies

We've debated the greatest movies of all time, the shitiness of "The Replacements" as well as some of our favorite characters. Today we face one of the toughest tasks known to mankind.

Creating a baseball roster from fictional movie characters.

I'll be honest, this was one of the hardest things I've ever done on the shit storm. Knowing baseball movies there are sure to be some strong disagreements.

First some ground rules.

Only fictional characters. It would be too easy to pick Ozzie Smith in "The Scout" or Ken Griffey Jr. in Little big league. Also important to note that you can't have an actor playing a character. So Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, Shoe less Joe, Lou Gherig, and Marris are all out.

We're looking at actual performance in the movie, however the shiftiness of the movie will also come into play.

Do your best to keep positions true to their movies, however, you can make some changes with a proper defense of your position change.

The Lineup:

1. CF Willie Mays Hayes "Major League"
-Prototypical lead off man with above average defensive skills.

2. LF Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez "The Sandlot"
-As you know Benny played every position so we can put him anywhere. That versatility combined with his 5 tool skills is perfect for a dangerous 2 hole player
3. RF Roy Hobbs "The Natural"
-Goes without saying, but the best natural hitter in the game. He's the type of guy we want to come up in the first inning every game. Will probably post an OPS above 1.10

4. 1B Casey "Casey at he Bat"
-A surprise here, I know. But I'm not the best baseball movie GM for nothing. Casey brings power, pure raw power. I don't have official stats in front of me, but I'm assuming he can also hit for a decent average. Their are concerns about his ability to hit in the clutch, but I have a plan for that.

(At this point I'll have you notice that I have a L,R,S,R 1-4)

5. C Dottie Hinson "A league of Their Own"
-This was probably the hardest position to pick. I'll justify myself here. Crash Davis is a power hitter, but he's really past his prime. Ham "The Great Hambino" Porter is still a young prospect, and Jack Parkman is simple too much of a cancer. Dottie brings the solid leadership to the table, as well as being an above average hitter.

6. 3B Roger Dorn "Major League"
-Tough call here. Dorn is most likely that average vet I'll be replacing soon.

7. SS Yeah Yeah "The Sandlot"
-More of a defensive value here. Concerns about performance enhancing drugs.

8. Pitcher
-Using the LaRussa style to put a lead off hitter in the 9 spot. Plus the DH is gay.

9. 2B Mickey Scales "Little Big League"
-Much more of a defensive value, but can add some valued speed to the bottom of the lineup.

Pitching Staff:
1. Ebby "Nuke" LaLoosh "Bull Durham"
-Young prospect, solid 3 pitches, has matured in recent years.

2.Steve Nebraska "The Scout"
-Fastball tops out over 100, provides added value at the plate for a NL team.

3. Henry Baumgartner "Rookie of the Year"
-Again, fastball tops out at over 100. Arm/Elbow troubles are an issue.

4. Kenny DeNunez "The Sandlot'
-Above Average fastball, tends to hang off speed pitches.

5. Amanda Wurlitzer "The Bad News Bears"
-Great command, ability to throw 100 plus innings.

Swing starters/Long Relief:

Mel Clark "Angels in the outfield"
-Worthless swing starter

Eddie Harris "Major League"
-Crafty Veteran

Middle Relief:

Carlton "Doc" Windgate "Major League 3: Back to the minors"
-Junk ball specialist

Kit Keller "A league of Their Own"
-Has good tools, needs to show more command of her pitches

Montgomery Brewster "Brewsters Millions"
-Could also fill in as swing starter/Long relief

Late Relief:
Setup: John Blackout Gatling "Little Big League"
-Powerful late inning guy

Closer
Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn "Major League"
-Premiere closer in the game

Bench:

OF Taka Tanaka "Major League 2"
-late inning defensive sub/Spot starter

Util Kelly Leak "Bad News Bears"
-Originally drafted as an OF, his athleticism allows him to project to any position. His above average bat has him challenging yeah yeah for the SS position

1B/OF Pedro Cerano "Major League"
-LH power hitter, who can replace Casey in late inning situations

OF Downtown Anderson "Major League 3: Back to the minors"
-Line drive hitting prospect

1B/3B Lou Collins "Little Big League"
-Looks to change positions and challenge Dorn for the starting 3B job.

C Ham Porter "The Sandlot"
-Power hitting, shit talking back up.

Coaches:
Manager Lou Brown "Major League"
-Strong skipper who can handle the various personalities

Bench Coach Billy Heywood "Little Big League"
-Sabermetric expert will compliment Brown's weaknesses

1B coach Phil Brickman "Rookie of the Year"
-High Energy motivator


3B Larry Hockett "Bull Durham"
-Obligatory


Hitting Crash Davis "Bull Durham"
-Past his prime, but still knows the physical and mental aspects of hitting

Pitching Chet Steadman "Rookie of the Year"
-Crafty vet, with valuable insight for young pitchers

Bull Pen Jake Taylor
-Smart vet who knows what to tell pitchers in certain game situations

So there's my list, include your lineup/critiques in the comments.

Begin

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Ok, jabronies. Short and sweet. GO OUTSIDE! WINTER IS DONE!

/knocks on wood

Ok, first off, Demar Derozan totally should have kept dunking. No props, son!

If you watched the dunk contest, Blake Griffin missed that dunk. A couple of times.

And now, some freaky stuff. This dude falls off a mountain. OFF. A. MOUNTAIN.

Ager Stefan Stubai drop PTTP from Stefan Ager on Vimeo.

And this... this is just too bad. Probably the second worst thing Phil Simms ever produced. The first being his son, Chris.


OMG! High School Funk!


Ok. I'm done. Get two dollars, y'all.

Mike Beasley really shouldn't be trying to sell drugs with D'Angelo when they both work for Avon.

Last night, while perusing my tumblr dashboard, I came across two pictures that seemed identical. "Haha!" I thought to myself. "Somebody trusted their queue again. Noobs." I probably said this aloud, as all my friends now live inside the internet and cannot hear me. But no. The images are in fact similar yet... different.


Enhance.




It's... uncanny.

Thanks to NBA Offseason and Art of the Wire for making that magical moment possible.

Farewell Sweet Prince

News out of Blacksburg today, that long time Hokie frenemy, Brian Stinespring has been relieved of his playcalling duties. Replacing him IS....

QB coach Mike O'Cain


Sigh.

This may not seem like a big deal to fans of other teams, but for Beamer this is like
cleaning house. It's apparent (at least in Frank's mind) that he wants that MNC title before he retires to the hills to watch the Andy Griffith show for the rest of his days. Especially with this news coming after the additions to Shane o Beamer (greatest longsnapper in Tech history) and Cornell Brown. (hater of QB's).

Clemson fans are probably laughing at Beamer right now as O'Cain served as their OC in 2000 leading them to 75th in the nation in total offense. So he should fit right in at Tech.

The two other moves have been long coming. Beamer went out on his own and served most of his career in the ACC, specifically Beamer is a great recruiter landing some of the top national players while at USC east.

Brown is a young guy who was one of Tech's best in the long line of great defensive ends.

As far as Stiney goes, I'm kind of sad to see him go. The guy was singlehandedly blamed for everything that went wrong on the football field. Some of the criticism was warranted, some of it was not. By all accounts he's a nice guy, and he did show improvement (although I could do that with the ACC player of the year and three future NFL runningbacks) I think the main thing is there was no rhyme or reason to what he was doing. Play action on third and long, routes that take 5 seconds to develop, the "oh shit run" style of QB play. But don't worry, he's still coaching TE's. (which he never used)

Like most Hokie fans, I was looking for an established OC who had some type of identity. Specifically, the Fridge would've been great, but I assume that Maryland money he's sitting on is too much. O'cain will have the entire WR corp returning along with David Wilson. He'll have to break in young uber freak QB Logan Thomas. So basically same ole same ole. Things could go moderately well, or really really bad.

Bud Foster had no comment on the matter, he was too busy being cooler than all of us.

D'Antoni Will Set You Free

OR WILL HE?!


LOL JK He will. This took way longer than it should have, probably due to the meddling of megalomaniac villain Mikhail Prokhorov. I'm happy that it's over. While I'm sad that Carmelo and Chauncey (along with some worthless dudes) are leaving the Sticky Nuggs, I'm happy for Carmelo to play with Amar'e. And that the Knicks held on to Landry Fields while dumping Danilo Gallinari and Timofey Mozgov






Hmmmmmmmm.


Carmelo: What you think, Chauncey?

Chauncey: I think you oughta look at places in Spanish Harlem, fam.

Carmelo: LOL

The Dunk Contest Happened.

Which is important, because it is the one time in the year that it is the funk - and only the funk - which is showcased. Nothing else matters.

The dunk contest can be a little bittersweet, since we will always be reminded of Jordan/Dominique in '88 or the entire 2000 field. Since 2000, few performances have even warranted remembering. Jason Richardson in 2003 and Gerald Green's cupcake dunk in 2008 are the only ones I really give two shits about. No, Dwight Howard and Nate Robinson do not make the list.

What I don't like about Dwight and Nate's performances is they were gimmicky bullshit. There wasn't creativity, it was mostly an Abbott and Costello routine. Sure, they're both athletic freaks, but just jumping as high as you can isn't any more entertaining than watching someone compete in the high jump. IT HAS NO FLAVOR.

Which brings me to the video above. Actually pretty entertaining stuff. There wasn't anybody who could do the things in the air like some of the previous champions, but there was still a great deal of creativity, mostly due to JaVale McGee doing shit that people never even thought of before.

Blake Griffin, for all of his power and athleticism, isn't necessarily an aerial acrobat. Not saying he didn't do some cool shit. The alley-oop Honey Dip was nasty. I also respect the full extension on windmills. However, we all knew this thing was scripted out from the beginning, and we knew that Blake Griffin was going to win, regardless of what happened.

I applaud JaVale for thinking out of the box, I would have liked to have seen Demar's next to dunks and Serge Ibaka is adorable. Blake, Hook Mitchell jumped over an entire VW bug one time, not just the hood. Just saying.

Furthermore, Lil' Wayne sat next to Schwarzenegger's kid and this picture was taken. Your argument is invalid.