A heart to heart with your rival

Hey Cav Man come on in.


Hey can I take your...cape? I know you like wine and cheese so I put a plate out...


Oh, sorry. You know don't worry about it, I trip over that perfectly smooth surface all the time. It's like momma said "You're an idiot if you fuck up something so easy that..."

Well forget that, here let me pour you a glass of a 2006 Artezin Dry Creek Zinfandel.

Yes it's under $20, is that a problem?

It is?

Well here let me offer you some cheese and crackers.

/unwraps Ritz and Laughing Cow packages

Yes uhhhh the cheese is from France.

Anyway Cav Man I wanted to talk to you. I was looking at the internet today and I found something that belongs to you.


Yeah, here's the thing. First off the video does a great job of depicting UVA. The mountain hard weare, the khakis, preppy brunettes drinking out of solo cups, the inability to connect on a high five. That is UVA, great job on the accuracy. It's just that...

Yes, people think this is stupid. You know a lot of people have this problem. A rap video always seems like a good idea but it never...

Well this wasn't your first time. I've seen a pattern.


You know, addiction is a problem we all face. For example I love beating the shit out of you in football every year and making fun of Lacrosse. You love making videos that make you look like cake eaters.

Well that's the problem, you don't think it affects anyone else, but it really does. I...I just can't make fun of you right now. I know we've had our good times. I mean, we beat you in football every year, you do well in other sports like lacrosse and soccer, which are super cool by the way. You screw up our chances of making the NCAA tournament, and your team doctors try to trip our players.

Don't worry about that dent in your BMW, you know daddy will pay for it.

But now? It's just not the same. Look, you have a great University. You're smart, you're well prepared for any type of mountaineering. You exit games at appropriate times to avoid traffic congestion. Your University was founded by Thomas Jefferson. You have a Rotunda...which is cool.

Oh, don't cry, hey it's ok we all have tough times in our life. Hey pick yourself up and get out there. I know deep down inside you have what it takes to be respectable. Got get em!

/Smack on the ass
//WVU Mountaineer appears from closet.


Mountaineer They aren't going to make it are they?

Lattimer: I've never seen them this low.

Mountaineer: So same agreement?

Lattimer: (Sigh) Yeah, go fuck yourself

Mountaineer: Eat shit
/sets couch on fire

Monday Morning S--t Storm

This has been floating around the internet for a while now, but I felt like it needed some air time on GRH. I love everything about this kid, from his bushwacker strut all the way to his leg craddling ability. Reminds me of my prestigious pee wee wrestling career.

I love youth sports. Main reason is that there is always some kid who is just head and shoulders better than everyone else and dominates the scene. Most of these kids just develop faster than everyone else, but you also have that rare kid who's an athletic freak who also possess skill not seen at that age. Like this kid.

I played with one of those types growing up. Let's call him Nate. In 7th and 8th grade I played in a private junior football program who played all of the big St. Louis city schools. We had three teams and I was drafted to play on Nate's team, the Vikings. Now, Nate played in our program because he was not "allowed" to play for his school due to some legal issues. However Nate was easily the best player in the league.

He was our running back and middle linebacker. If you want to make comparisons to famous players he was like St. Louis' Marcus Dupree. In 8th grade he was 5'9 195 with a guesstimated body fat percentage of 7. Even better, he had an attitude to go with his skills.

Nate had a lot of stories, but the one I remember best was when we had to weigh in. All the teams in the league were there and it was basically a big cattle call. Two teams, Hazelwood East and West were some of the favorites to win the city title, so naturally they were talking trash the whole time. It was their turn to get weighed and when the first guy from Hazelwood stepped up, Nate stripped down, walked up in his compression shorts and Timberlands, stepped on the scale, and got weighed in. For an 8th grader it was the most bad ass thing I ever saw.

Here are some other highlights from his career.

-Breaking a helmet from someone too hard.

-Giving the middle finger to a ref.

-Middle school Ho train at games

-Middle school Ho train at practice

-Bringing fist packs to the awards banquet in case other teams "said shit"

-Wearing John Randle face paint.

-Getting kicked out of the championship game after the first play because he started a fight with the entire sideline and gave the opposing coach the cutthroat sign.

As you can tell, nate was awesome. Coming home from a game my dad told me "You know Nate only touched the ball 5 times...I don't think he ever got tackled" We then came to the conclusion that we'd read about Nate someday. It would either be in the sports page or the police blotter.

Anyway for the shit storm, best pee wee stories, or other impressive highlight videos.

Begin.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

The combine is sadly more useless than usual.

GET THAT DEAL DONE YOU COCKSUCKERS. I WILL BURN EVERYTHING THE FUCK DOWN IF THERE IS NO NFL.

Ok. Got that out of the system. Woo. WOO. It's March. Spring has sprung. It's time to get down. First things first, update the old voicemail.

Secondly, watch some Internet videos.

Seriously, Americans should learn other languages.


Jetpack + skis = one more reason cross-country skiing is gay.


In soccer, if a player on the other team gets hurt for real, you kick the ball out of bounds so that guy can get help. It is considered common courtesy to give the ball back afterwards, and extremely bad form if you don't. In Italy, it is cause for a match-ending sissy fight.


Chamillionaire has a story about Michael Jordan. It behooves us to listen.


Icehouse likes riding his bike. This guy totally sucks and it's a good thing that the cops caught him. Nobody wants to go to jail in Brazil. NOBODY.


And of course, the NFL's most modern tradition: Rich Eisen's 40 yard dash.


Ok. Go outside. Eat, drink and be merry.

Charlie Sheen Will Get You Amped

Ok, quick recap:

Image via Warming Glow
By now, Charlie Sheen an his antics have been crammed into your brain because a famous person going on tv and flipping their shit in a drug-addled haze is somehow different than the guy at the bus stop around the corner flipping his shit in a drug-addled haze. Then again, the guy on the street corner hates on clouds instead of bedding porn stars. So Charlie's got him there.

Icehouse would like to take this opportunity to state that Platoon, Wall Street, the Major League Series and the Hot Shots! series were all vital to his upbringing, and remain essential to any home video collection and discussion of fine cinema, regardless of how much bunghole his current show eats.

So while there have been many memes with his quotes, the GRH team gives you: Charlie Sheen, SPORTS.

Pete Carroll's was easy enough to get started with.


Phil Jackson.


And on with the show...




























That was fun. Good work, team.

A Disturbing Trend in Higher Education

I recently attempted to give advice to the college students in America concerning the topic of college rap/pop videos.

apparently nobody listens to me, however there is another, perhaps more severe, issue facing higher education in America.

The Lip Dub

/rubs temples

Evidently the latest craze is to essentially lip sync a song, while walking through an environment. The goal is for the video to seem spontaneous, yet it is highly choreographed and organized.

An example from Xavier University.


I'll give credit, I like the Rabbi on a Catholic campus, however it seems that everyone at Xavier has failed walking backward 101, coolness 202, and Freshman seminar: When not to make it rain.

Also. Only 5 from the dance squad? Were the other 10 screwing the basketball team?

Next UVA


That's so typical. Why doesn't this surprise me? Where do I even begin? The execution was off, nothing inherently funny about it, not even in an ironic way.

Bias aside, this was just horrible.

It was so bad that I'm not even going to send it to VT friends. Part of a rivalry is having some semblance of competition between two schools. This...this would just be too devastating to overcome. Trust me, it's best if we keep this our little secret.

Here's more examples from Boston, Seton Hall, and Lehigh there's probably a lot more, but quite frankly I can't stand to watch them.

Look I get these are all about school spirit. Fine. I'm not against it. But we all have school spirit. I think most people enjoyed their college experience, so I'm sorry, your school isn't any better than mine or anyone else's. Your school may be unique in some way, but again every school is unique. That's why kids go to them, they fit their needs. So while you may love your wonderful family atmosphere, someone else may want to get ripped and not go to class. To each their own.

However, I fear these videos a false impression of what college is like. Sure, these videos have some truth to them. Girls will walk around in uggs and galoshes. Many will rep their frat or sorority. And yes, you will have guys walking around in ironic shirts or banana costumes in order to draw attention to themselves. But not everyone is like that. I swear. College can be fun without making lip dub videos. And that's the thing. Colleges have a club or organization for everything. EVERYTHING. You'll find your niche, whether it's heavy drinking, chess, or saving the world. If you're into lip dubbing? Well, they obviously have that for you too.

Now, I'm not all negative. I'm here to help you. I'll give you an example of a decent lip dub.


First off, this is From Emmerson. Emmerson is a four year Performing arts college, which is a trump card in this situation. If you are a drama/performing arts kid disregard everything I've just said. Why? Performing arts kids are typically pretty cool, and this is also their job.

you can see the professionalism in this video. It has a story line with the girl trying to find her way and seeing all the wonders of Emmerson. (I appreciate the creativity in an otherwise bland genre). The cinematography is second to none, and the choreography and acting is to be respected.(Note: The drama trump card is in play for the quidditch portion as well)

But like I said, this is what they do. I don't roll into the Science building and start performing experiments and shit. Science kids do that.

Anyway, if you MUST make a video about your college. May I suggest using a simple montage? Sports teams have been using this for years to great effect. It shows ACTUAL things that ACTUALLY happen. Second, use a cool song. I get Dynamite is appealing to you, but there are a lot of people who hate that song. And as always make it funny or creative on some level.

My biggest fear is that at some point my alma mater will make a stupid music video or even worse I'll be in one. On some level I know it's going to happen. And in that moment all my respect and my reputation that I had worked on for some many years will go up in flames. Like dynamite.

GRH Art Gallery: Wolfpack Edition

[Click to set mood]

Good evening. Tonight's enterlightenment comes from a young man in North Carolina with the wit of Wilde and boner of Emily Dickinson. I'm sorry, I should have said the "libido of Emily Dickinson."

What's that? She was a shut in?

Well she probably... you know... hey, YOU'RE GROSS. Get your mind out of the gutter, this is an Art Gallery for pete's sake!

Sorry to lose my cool there, everyone. May I improve the mood with some wine and cheese?

[Icehouse snaps fingers]

[Lattimer produces box of Franzia and can of EZ Cheez]

Moving on. The prose of this young man is magnificent. It is like looking into the brain of Hawthorne and thinking to yourself, "shit yeah sew that letter on my clothes, this is some straight naughtysauce."

Which of course is how Hawthorne really spoke. Don't believe me? Fine, Bing that shit, see if I care.

Anyway, allow me to quote from the latest to join our pantheon of artists. Open your brain to the words of young CJ Leslie, forward for North Carolina State.

"She Finally Came"

she was hesitant...
about the lack of time we spent.
she said, "i barely know you,
and
i'm kinda sick."
i said "calm down
... only as friends."
i waited it out,
and tried it again.
this time only to find out
that we had work til 10!
DAYUM
where did I go wrong?
just tryna find a beneficial friend...
i'm starting to think these excuses
are
other men...
the next time she cancelled,
it was for an emergency.
man
this chick is really avoiding me...
then i got a text.
"sex."
YES.
she finally came.
over
and over, and over, and over...

Splendid. Magnificent. Beautiful. These lyrics are breathtaking. Note the use of colloquialisms, the alternation in capitalization practices. The references to modern technology in a pursuit as primal as a hobo caveman fighting a sabre-toothed tiger for the rights to chill in a cave.

Fin.