Monday, November 30, 2009

Monday Morning Sh--t Storm

Chappelle's Show
The Playa Hater's Ball
Buy Chappelle's Show DVDsBlack ComedyTrue Hollywood Story

*clears throat*

There are certain impressionable moments in one's life, for me one of these moments occurred when I was 12 years old in Charlottesville, VA. Wearing my Virginia Tech hat I ran into a drug store to get a bottle of water where I was met by several UVA students. After getting into an argument concerning the sexual orientation of my hat I vowed that I would live a life that was decidedly anti UVA.

This hatred reaches it's apex every fall when the Hokie and Wahoo faithful come together to watch a spirited game of football and to tell the opposing side how much they can't fucking stand each other.

If you've never met a Wahoo let me put this into perspective for you. During their freshman year UVA students are required to take Elimination of personal fecal matter stench 101 and they all pass with flying colors. Did you know Thomas Jefferson founded The University of Virginia? No? Well if you talk to a Wahoo you'll get a full breakdown of his architectural masterpieces seen on the campus.....excuse me THE GROUNDS. Did you know Katie Couric went there? Edgar Allen Poe went to UVA AND they still have his room there. Perhaps you've heard of Robert F. Kennedy, you have? well he graduated from the prestigious UVA law school (They must not have had a class covering the legality of possessing 183 milligrams of Heroin) Tina Fey? Why yes she went to UVA. I don't know if you've heard of Boyd Tinsley....the violinist for the Dave Matthews Band....also a UVA alum, a Sigma Nu. Which brings me to another point. Not only does UVA have a strong greek system but they also have several secret societies.

This just isn't a rivalry, it's a battle of ideals. Hokies wear camo because they hunt, Wahoos wear it because it's fratty. Hokies chug domestics, Wahoos sip a 78 merlot. Hokies drive trucks, Wahoos drive something mommy and daddy bought them.

To prove my point I'll give you a GRH on location.

Tim Gunn would absolutely adore a Virginia Football game.
The first thing you notice at UVA is the dress. For males the standard attire is a coat and tie. Females typically wear sundresses, however for the brisky 50 degree temp at kickoff most decided with a nice orange sweater. One that says "I'd make a great wife, but I can drink Cabernet and vodka with equal efficiency." The leader of this group is some random 60 year old who has a scarf with a "Wahooligans" stitching. Leave it to UVA to take something distinctly European and apply it to American Football. Hokies on the other hand wear sweatshirts and I'll admit there are a good amount of painters and wig wearers although I'll contend that this is done to piss off Wahoos. Charlottesville is a great city, and it's great to walk around, but you will notice that UVA fans do indeed have wine and cheese at their tailgates brunches. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of Boones Farm and cheese whiz, just not at a football game.

Fans ruin the gameday experience
When you walk into Scott Stadium you'll notice that it's a great place to watch football. Great sitelines, good seat room, and yes even the Jefferson inspired architecture. The problem is having to deal with UVA fans. As my party took our seats the first thing I heard was complaining from a elderly lady that she had to sit near VT fans. That elitism never graduates. we also sat next to some students who also gave us trouble. Little did they know we are some of the biggest wise asses to walk the earth. On another note Charlottesville townies are the worst type of townies. They have the asshole townie gene combined with the UVA elitism. Luckily for us we had one sitting next to us, let's call him Townie Tim, and he clearly hated Tech as much as we hated UVA.

UVA likes to talk about anything besides football.
UVA sucks at football, no mistaking it. However, they really do have a solid athletic program, problem is they are good at sports that nobody cares about. Case in point UVA honored the Men's Tennis doubles National Champions. And you know what, good for them. Tim however decided to be a typical Wahoo and yell "You hear that Tech NATIONAL CHAMPIONS do you know anything about that." I replied that Tim likes Fuzzy balls, but the point is UVA with talk about random ass shit in order to compensate for their football team sucking fuzzy balls.

Cavman is a stupid mascot with a plastic sword.

Sweet feather. Douchebag.

As the game got underway UVA scored the first touchdown from their QB Sewell on a QB power that was the only effective play all game. After TD's UVA plays a song called "The Good Old Song" it's set to the tune of Auld Lang Syne. It's fun to yell "HAPPY NEW YEAR." This does two things. First it pisses off Tim. Second the old lady behind you will tell you that it's not the same song, to which you can say "I know, I'm just being a wise ass."

The first half was somewhat competitive. Tech screwed up a couple times UVA was hitting us with the QB power in critical situations. Tim however was very vocal that there was some type of VT penalty on every play. As we sat through halftime thinking that this was another typical VT game the excitement was in the air. Could the Hoo's pull a major upset? Will they win one for the Groh, will the women behind us stop telling us to sit down? And will Tim receive the victory he's been seeking for 6 long years?!?!?!


Courtesy of Kam Chancellor and Ryan Williams' Voodoo the Hoo's lost 42-13. But this did provide us with a great chance to bond with the UVA faithful. Highlights include The women behind us saying that they were tired of me yelling "Grimm Reaper" after Cody Grimm did anything. Explaining basic football rules to two UVA students. Telling Tim that Soccer season is right around the corner. Chanting Keep Al Groh. Tim flipping our party off and responding with "is that how many wins you have this year." Seeing a majority Hokie Crowd give the let's go Hokies chant. Watching Tim enter Depression. Seeing Tim's friend fall over. And ultimately seeing VT walk all over UVA in the second half.

In conclusion I'd like to thank the VT students sitting in front of us, Ryan Williams, Danny Coale, Cody Grimm, T-Mobile, Kam Chancellor, and most importantly Tim for giving me a great experience on the Grounds.



  2. Quite similar to Texas and Texas A&M. Except A&M are the rubes with the fake army and cult-like demeanor.