Tuesday, October 25, 2011

GRH Hobbcast

Listen to internet radio with Theghostofroyhobbs on Blog Talk Radio

Stovall was out tonight so I had to take over the moderation duties. topics include NCAA football, MLB baseball, and fuck Sewanee.


Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Investigating the perils of unemployment

[Gawker Office]

New Reporter: Um, hello? Sir?

Gawker Editor: Whadda you want? Look, for the last time, if you have pictures of athletes' penises, just email them to AJ Daulerio. I don't want to see them anymore.

New Reporter: Um, no sir, I'm... I'm your new writer?

Editor: Hm? Oh, that's right. Have a seat. Let's see here. Graduated summa cum laude from University of Wisconsin Madison, did your graduate work at University of Chicago J-school. Not bad, not bad. What makes you think you have what it takes to make it here?

New Reporter: Well, I curated UW's arts magazine, was the editor of the newspaper there, and have had several pieces published in the Trib and Sun-Times.

Editor: CHILD'S PLAY. This. THIS. Is Gawker. NEW MEDIA. Have some goddamn respect. What we do here changes the way people look at the world. YOU SEE THIS?! MILLIONS OF HITS. We are leading the revolution, my friend, and I don't need any more idealistic mama's boys whining about the days of typewriters and wistfully pondering what it was like to be a newsman back in the day. I need a foot soldier for the front lines of the battle against the traditional forces. Can you be that foot soldier for me?

New Reporter: Yes, sir.

Editor: You're not gonna blow your finger off just to get out of duty, are you?

New Reporter: Um, no sir.

Editor: Good. Now here's what we got. People are all about this Occupy Wall Street business. They're out there, fighting the good fight. But we need the human element. I need you to go out there and show the world the victims. Too long have the unemployed remained faceless. Let's show the fat cats up in their ivory towers the damage that they're causing. Now there's a largely elusive group of people, virtually all unemployed, who are aching for an opportunity to speak up.

New Reporter: Disabled veterans?

Editor: No, you halfwit! If we had paper in this office, I'd roll some up and smack you across the mouth with it. I'm talking, of course, about NBA players. Look at this chart.

Editor: You see, these owners are trying to demonize their employees for falling profits. No matter that they have plenty of extra sources of income elsewhere, through concerts, circuses, TV deals and the like. They just want to squeeze their employees out of every cent they earn for them. IT'S JUST LIKE SLAVERY. Actually, figure out a way to work the word "slavery" into your piece. More controversy, more clicks.

New Reporter: Um, I don't really feel comfortable with--

Editor: Well what would you feel comfortable with, hm? A world where newsboys in their jaunty caps peddle newspapers for nickels apiece and there's no other avenue for people to absorb current events and opinion? Oh, we'd all like that. We'd enjoy the hell out of that. But that's not reality. This world has changed. I've had to adapt to survive. So many of my colleagues have fallen along the way. That's just the way the world is. Someday you'll understand.

New Reporter: Sir, aren't you 25 years old?

Editor: I sure am. Now get out there and bring me some sob stories about these players. And try to work a Hitler reference or two in, also. That always tends to boost traffic.

Later that day...

Reporter: Hi, with whom am I speaking?
Deron Williams: Yeah, this is Deron Williams. That's D-E-R-O-N.

Reporter: Yes sir, I'm aware of the spelling of your name.

Deron: Man, thank goodness. You wouldn't believe how many times they spell my name wrong over here in Turkey.

Reporter: I see. And what is it that you are doing in Turkey?

Deron: My job. I play over here until the NBA comes back.

Reporter: So you're not suffering any hardships of unemployment?

Deron: Hell no. I show up, cross some cats, dunk on people. Win some games, then go home. Easy money, man.

Reporter: Ah ok, well, thank you for your time.


Carmelo Anthony: Who dis?

Reporter: Hi, I'm with Gawker media.

Carmelo: Not my penis, man.

Reporter: Ha ha! Very good sir, no I'm doing a story on the hardships of unemployment for NBA players.

Carmelo: Ok, well I'm at New York's fashion week and these skinny bitches are making fun of my red pants. Shit's hard, man.

Reporter: Thank you for your time, sir.


Russell Westbrook: [Whispering] Hello? I really can't talk right now.

Baron Davis, Kevin Love, P. Diddy: SHHHHH!

Baron Davis: Tryin' to learn, cuz.

Russell Westbrook: Gotta go.



Reporter: Mr. James, can you give me some examples of how the NBA lockout has affected your life?

LeBron James: Hasn't really, I still play basketball, make commercials and give wedgies. And not necessarily in that order, YAKNOWWHATIMSAYIN? Up top!

Much later...

Reporter: I don't suppose you have a story about hardship related to the lockout do you.

Joakim Noah: Keeeeeyahhhh habbada na na!
Reporter: Fuck this.

GRH Hobbcast

Listen to internet radio with Theghostofroyhobbs on Blog Talk Radio

Here's the latest edition of the Hobbcast. Today we talk Baseball, Football, and Post apocalyptic sporting events. I think you'll enjoy it very much.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Live Tweeting Auburn and Arkansas' Football Contest, October 8th, 2011

As many of you may know, in a past life I was a journalist. It may also interest you that in this current life of mine, I ALSO made a living by journaling for publications at one point. While I don't do that anymore, I must confess, the bug to fill people's brainholes with knowledge hitherto unknown still gives me quite the itch from time to time, as well as the bedbugs that have infested my bed (NATURALLY).

Such was the case Saturday evening, when I watched the Arkansas Razorbacks play the Auburn War Eagle Tigers (I'm assuming this is some indiginous Native American mythological beast that is part tiger, part eagle, part soldier and part brown, that is able to receive large sums of money without people caring). I began tweeting behind-the-scenes facts about the game and its players. It received a BEVY of responses, and thusly, as per my journalistic mandate, I am sharing them with a larger audience to create even more responses, all of which will grant me a larger profile. Huzzah!

While some may protest my allegiances, know this: a true journalist is one who is objective almost all of the time, except when he is not.
  • Auburn Coach Gene Chizik looks like a flesh Muppet Jim Henson aborted and flushed down an oft-used toilet. Pretty sure that's all true.
  • It's a shame that the Auburn players holding the play-calling numbers on their sideline are only getting just above minimum wage.
  • Michael Dyer burned every bridge he had in the vertically challenged community for using lifts to alter his height. Lifts, in that community, are lies.
  • Arkansas RB Broderick Green gets eight to nine hours of eat a night.
  • Arkansas RB Dennis Johnson, who suffered a season-ending bowel injury last year, opted for an experimental, speed-enhancing prosthetic during his surgery, hence his nickname "The Batmobile."
  • Auburn QB Kiehl Frazier's favorite show, naturally, is "Frasier," even though he doesn't understand what a psychiatrist is or how to spell "Kyle."
  • Auburn's starting freshman center, No. 50, is none other than Grammy-winning singer/songwriter Adele.
  • Auburn's Barrett Trotter, QB, is currently under NCAA investigation for starring in one of those Toyota commercials where the parents are having a great time without him.
  • Gene Chizik's pregame pep talk fell flat when he told a too-soon, albeit hilarious, leprosy/Al-Davis joke. Clearly, his team is still shaken.
  • Auburn LB Eltoro Freeman's nickname "The Narrator" come from his ceaseless in-game orations, NOT because his dad is Morgan Freeman, which is also true.
  • Auburn's TE Philip Lutzenkirken is pregnant. Please do not tell his parents or the homecoming committee.
  • Arkansas Coach Bobby Petrino's genius does not stop on the gridiron. Not only did he invent Groucho Marx masks, but he has invested those earnings BRILLIANTLY.
  • Auburn's DeAngelo Benton was that kid in your 10th grade biology class that got way too into dissecting frogs. Also, he always blinks twice when he blinks.
  • HALFTIME: Chizik is going back to the Al-Davis-leprosy jokes to fire his team up again, this time using props. This does not bode well for Auburn.
  • Auburn's offensive coordinator Gus Mahlzahn has never once used toilet paper, which is somewhat disgusting. However, in his defense, he's never needed it before.
  • Auburn QB Kiehl Frazer went through fifteen blue mouthpieces before Gus Mahlzahn convinced him they weren't Airheads, or even edible.
  • Sources claim the funniest joke Auburn's Barrett Trotter has heard or told is pronouncing his favorite treat as "Famous Anus Cookies." Get it? Me neither.
  • Arkansas' Joe Adams has one rush for 92 yards, the second-longest rush in Arkansas history. Sorry, that bit of trivia was irrelevant.
  • Kiehl Frazier has been downing Mike's Hard Lemonades since about halfway through the third quarter. This hasn't impaired his ability at all.
And BEFORE YOU KNEW IT, the game was over. Arkansas had scored 38 points, while Auburn had only scored 14. After some quick statistical analysis from replay officials, aided by the University of Arkansas' Department of Mathematical Sciences, it was determined that Arkansas had more points, and was therefore, the victor.

DID I MISS ANYTHING? Of course not. But if there were some other aspect of this game I neglected to mention due to unimportance, and you would like mentioned, mention it yourself here in our unimportant comments section.

Good day! Godspeed! Cheeseburger!

Monday Morning S--t Storm

I know I've been gone for a while, but every shit stormer needs their own walk about as it were. While I was gone I've been doing things like podcasting, analyzing the offensive tendencies of 14-18 year olds, and I've joined a protest or two. Today I'm protesting work, you can follow me on twitter at #occupylattimerscouch

However, I have had some time to pursue my 7th favorite past time which is watching TV. During one of my sessions, I wondered why there weren't more TV shows centered around sports? I kind of felt like some of the humor and drama was already there, and the writers could also address some of the issues facing the sport.

To be sure, we've had shows like that. Playmakers was probably the first I can remember. The show really addressed the dark side of professional football, and it's cancellation coincides with ESPN's transition from a 20 something bachelor into a suit wearing company man.

I'm sure you all know about Friday Night Lights. (the TV show)It was fun and all. Icehouse was an extra, but let's be honest. FNL was essentially Glee for jocks.

As you can see these two great TV shows follow the same path of most sports TV shows and movies. They just blatantly throw stereotypes and issues right in your face and lack an accurate portrayal of the games. The quick and easy solution to this dilemma is fairly clear, but unfortunately David Simon is busy right now.

So our job for the shit storm is to get together and create a sports drama. In the spirit of the shit storm's triumphant return I say we work together on this one. Someone start off with a sport, and we'll just brainstorm from there.

Shit storm begin.