Friday, October 31, 2008

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!


Three cheers for the weekend! I'm going to dress up as John Daly for Halloween. It's nice because of the simplicity. Step 1) Put on golf-esque apparel. Step 2) Smear face with Hooter's sauce. Step 3) Drink self insane.

So a lot of times when I'm watching a James Bond movie, I think to myself, "yeah, it would be cool, but one could never do that." Apparently, that wasn't enough to some guys, who have one-upped just about everything Bond has ever done.

Did I say I was dressing up like John Daly? Because in real life I am President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.

Chris Mortensen sucks. But in this video with him in it, some morons capture some hilarity in the background. I've always wondered why people take jobs that involve them dressing up in inflatable mascot costumes, but now the answer is clear: to whomp on little kids.

Josh Howard is sneaky and will trip you. Especially if you are a 7'5" Emo Chinaman.

Ok. It's Halloween. Let's all go do something stupid.

Philly is Phor the Ladies


Philly wins the World Series, Lidge shakes the curse of Pujols, and "Currently there is only some fireworks, several groups have overturned cars, and there are some small celebratory fires. But all in all Jim, things seem to be going smoothly."

Got that last little gem from the local Fox reporter.

If you're a raging sports fan, you know that Philadelphia phans not only have a reputation, but they have also suffered for 25 years. That is, Since 83 Philly phans have not seen a pro sports championship.
*The Philadelphia "Soul" are not considered in this conversation.

For 25 years Philly has seen its share of teases and heart breaks. It's almost like "They've never been kissed"...OHHHH SHIIIIIIT, FOR THE LADIES POST!!!!!!!


we can accomplish two things in the post. 1. Use our prediction skills, because I actually have not seen the movie, although it seems like a layup. 2. We can examine the psyche of Philadelphia fans.

Lets begin.
Plot- I'm going to go out on a limb here, but I assume Drew Barrymore, was and ugly duckling in her younger years. A Nerd. With Braces. Well, that is kinda like Philly, the fans in Philadelphia have their history, many moons ago nobody really liked them. I'm also going to assume that Drew has never been kissed. That's just like Philly, I mean I guess Philly has been kissed, but that was back in 83, so to put it into perspective, most of our authors have not seen a Philadelphia championship. I think we can say Philly has never been kissed, or laid. Ok so I'm assuming the young nerdy Drew blossoms into a mildly attractive 20 something (maybe 30) She is so focused on her great job that she doesn't have time for a relationship, she may accidentally fall in love, or...she may have just screwed up all the relationships in her life. We'll go with the later, because Philly has also screwed up some kissing opportunities. See Phillies 93, Sixers 2001, Eagles, 2004. Finally I'm going to assume Drew meets some knight in shining armor, she kisses him, and it's a magical moment. Well we all saw what happened Wednesday for the Phils.
Age- As I stated earlier, I'm assuming Drew Barrymore is a 20 something. I'm thinking late 20's, maybe 28. The last time Philadelphia has won a championship was 25 years ago, 28 for the Phils.

Characters-
Drew Barrymore probably meets some strapping fellow who she falls in love with. Mabye someone unexpected, maybe an old friend. The Phils also had a cast of characters, and if we're going with the strapping young fellow, look no further than world series MVP Cole Hamels.


History-
This is more about Barrymore than the actual movie. Barrymore has alot of history, she was a shining star as a child, ET was awesome. However, she recently has had some repulsive material. Furthermore, she really isnt that attractive. Philly also has alot of history, Bells, signed documents, kites and keys, The Philadelphia Project. I mean Philly gives me a history boner. But they also have some not so flattering history including but not limited to: iceballs-santa, batteries, the 700 level, booing Michael Irvin as he lay motionless on the ground. Finally, Philly is not an attractive city, kinda like Barrymore, there is alot of history, but do you really want to go there?

Outcome-
Like I said earlier I'm 100% sure Barrymore finds her one true love, they resolve all conflicts, and she gets kissed in a heartwarming moment.
Wednesday, Philly had their own heartwarming moment.


So there you have it guys, and gals. The Phillies World Series win is just like never been kissed.


Nice win Philadelphia you deserved it.
And please don't kill me if I wear a Cardinals hat.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Titans: For Real Real or For Play Play?

After Monday night's dominating performance over conference foe Indianapolis, the Tennessee Titans stand as the only undefeated team left in the NFL. With a powerful running attack - void of superstar Vince Young- and a smothering defense, the upstart Titans have left many sports pundits scratching their respective noggins.

But are the Titans for real real or for play play?

The answer is a resounding "Maybe."

First, let's look at Kerry "Gray Beard" Collins. This guy is no firecracker. He's not even a snake or a sparkler. In the arsenal of Independence Day metaphors, he doesn't scratch the surface. Yet the collective gasp that was heard sucking gale-force winds into Nashville when Vince Young hurt his MCL seems to be unwarranted, as Collins has been nearly flawless, albeit unspectacular. His passer rating is a lukewarm 75 flat, and while his 58 completion percentage, the numbers don't show his clutch 3rd down conversions, nor does it show his ability to pass while using a walker.

But how good can a team be when its best player is on the bench? There are two undeniable axioms about the Tennessee Titans: their best player is Vince Young and they would not be undefeated were he playing this year. While these truths seem to be contradictory to one another, it becomes more clear when one seriously thinks about how good VY is.

A one-man show, Vincent can make something out of nothing, and has never had to rely on anyone else in his entire athletic career. But no one can do that in the NFL for very long, just ask Reggie Bush, whose "here's the ball — make something happen" offense at USC was formidable, but isn't as explosive in the NFL. Defenses wear down and Vince's other teammates don't get game speed reps, causing game plans to crumble, even in the wake of a tremendous touchdown run by Young. Collins allows Jeff Fisher's patented running game to come to fruition, where as Young often stifles that game plan —for better or for worse. Unfortunately for Fisher's running Titans, VY doesn't have to use those crummy excuses for receivers either, as he is his own self-made man, and when a receiver expectedly screws up, he can pick up the slack. Collins does have to play with those guy, and that might be his downfall once defensive coordinators pick up on the geriatrics's tactics of "hand off left" and "hand off right."

DISCLAIMER: The team is still Vince Young's team, by the way. He is maturing, incubating on the sidelines and patiently awaiting his return to dominance, once he learns to use his other teammates in his own way. Don't believe me? The Titans are known for bringing name-brand African-American quarterbacks to the limelight, just look at Steve McNair and Warren "Awesome" Moon.

You might as well call these Titans the Oilers, because their running attack is old school and me likey. Rookie Chris Johnson is doing his part with an average of over five yards per carry, and LenDale White is a breath of fresh air for portly people everywhere, especially after the disappointing Heisman drop off by Chubby Chase Daniel. Their line is big and experienced, and able to open holes for the terrible twosome. Football games are dependent on a strong running game, and the Titans don't lack in that department on either side of the ball.

Speaking of the other side of the ball, have you seen this front seven of mongrels the Titans put up as their defense? Sick and nasty are the only way to describe the likes of Kyle Vanden Bosch, Jevon "the Freak" Kearse, Keith Bullock, and last but certainly not least, Albert "Face Stompin'" Haynesworth. These guys are going to the toast of the town all year long, although it must be said that their so-far-only-once-tested D will face steeper competition from more prepared offensive gurus who are sure to attempt to slice and dice the front seven up to their unexperienced secondary.

But as everyone knows, great runs are set up by good passes, and while Collins is certainly making due with two decent tight ends and several undecent receivers, the can't be expected to shelve the load off to Johnson and White all the way to the Super Bowl. McCareins? Gage? Jones? Hall? I'm fading fast boys; you're putting me to sleep. I remember the kicker, Auburn Rob Bironas before you guys, but in your defense that Tiger can play.

But considering the rest of the schedule, right now, the Titans are good to go. In an increasingly mediocre league (15 of the 32 teams are within one game, over or under, of being right at .500, with only New Orleans being the only at .500 with a 4-4 record), a seven game lead can actually go pretty far, especially in their division, the AFC South, where they reign as Kings, with the rest of the division sitting ugly at 3-4. Pittsburgh, New England and Buffalo have 5-2, and Washington, Carolina, and the New York Footballing Giants with six wins.

The League isn't set up for undefeated teams. For proof, see last year's Super Duper Bowl. And while I don't think anyone is seriously thinking this team can and will go undefeated, how far do we see these Titans going? They'll almost certainly get in the playoffs, despite a major collapse on the part of the entire organization. The rest of the schedule looks pretty good for the Titans, but look out for the Bears and the Steelers as well.

After all it's just a bunch of guys playing a game. Nothing is set in stone or already etched in a trophy.

Again, I'll reference the Super Duper Bowl.


Caption Contest!


I don't WANNA take a drug test! WAAAAA!

or...

I'm not playing until I get my juice!"

or...

Tell Reggie to run up the middle! Just once!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

NFL Midterm

First things first.

I know these have been going around the internet lately, but I feel like It's important to mock other individual's mistakes.

Danyelle Sargent
. And don't miss this gem from 2005. (Second Link NSFW language)

Let's look at the state of the NFL at the midway point.

Teams heading for relegation.

Lions (0-7)
No surprise here.

Bengals (0-8)
Looks like the name change for Chad Ocho Cinco worked out well. Oh, Carson Palmer is hurt, and may be out for the season.

Chiefs (1-6)
Take one part Alabama "gun-slinger," one part Pennsylvania woman beater, and one part pissed off tight end. What do you get? A KC shit sandwich.
(In Brodie's defense, he does have a trophy wife)

*Note I would include the Niners at 2-6, but Singletary is my hero.

Meh Teams.

Patriots (5-2)
We all thought Brady's knee was the beginning of the end, but now it looks like they'll win the division. Crap.

Cowboys (5-3)
Say it with me. Collapse, Collapse, Collapse!!!

Bills (5-2)
Marshawn Lynch is the funniest person alive. He can also run the rock.

Saints (4-3)
Nice win over the Chargers. However, it seems that the Duece is not only loose, but also juiced.

Ravens (4-3)
"The game done changed..."
"Game's the same, just got more fierce."

Teams who pique our interest.

Titans (7-0)
Well they don't win pretty, but even without VY they can pound the rock, and stop other teams from doing the same.

Giants (6-1)
Look at little Eli all grown up now. Also this just in, Brandon Jacobs will destroy you.

Steelers (5-2)
Western PA is a battleground area in the upcoming election, I heard Chuck Todd say that...
Oh, the Steelers play in a weak division. Troy Polamalu thinks you are a pansy.

Redskins (6-2)
Chris Cooley has a blog, and Jason Campbell has yet to throw a pick this year.

NBA Divisional Preview: Southwest


Well, we did save the best for last. This division is far and away the best.

New Orleans Hornets: The Hornets are a trendy favorite to pick win the West. If you watched them play last year you would understand why. They kill. They play great. They're high energy, they run, they play mad D, and they can shoot. Chris Paul is the best point guard in the NBA, and one of the best all around players, period. Tyson Chandler took a while to find his niche, but once he did, Compton is in the house. With the addition of James Posey, the Hornets are poised to do some serious damage.

San Antonio Spurs: Never bet against the Spurs in odd years. You shouldn't. Of course, the Spurs are just a little bit older and a little more slow than they used to be. They also lost Brent "Bones" Barry and Big Shot Bob Horry. The big three are still there, and Manu, Tony and Tim are just about as good as they've ever been. Tim Duncan is still wondering if this is finally the year he's going to kill that rat fuck John Connor, heralding the rise of the machines. Bruce Bowen is still there, and he's still the most hated player in the league, Michael Finley is still raining threes and throwing down dunks that his 35-year-old body feels in the morning. Still. Never bet against the Spurs in an odd-numbered year.

Houston Rockets: Talk about a weird group of guys, but they might boast the best starting five in basketball. Yao Ming, Tracy McGrady, Luis Scola, Ron Artest, and Rafer "Skip to my lou" Alston? Yes. Fantastic. Ron Artest is a great player. Batshit insane, maybe, but still a great player that you want on that wall, you need on that wall. T-Mac and Yao, they have a chip on their shoulder. They've never made it out of the first round, despite always being heralded as two of the best players in the world. Luis Scola was the best Argentine in the Olympics, which is saying a lot.

Dallas Mavericks: The '06 Western Conference Champs have been in freefall since. Two years in a row, they've been bounced in the first round. After some serious retooling (they got rid of about half of their team), Jason Kidd is now on the team. Kidd's addition to the team last year yielded virtually no results, but for a great point guard, you need to give him a little bit of time to meld with the team. Kidd has been given that. They still have Jason Terry, Josh Howard, and Dirk Nowitzki. Dirk was the MVP in '07, and he disappeared in the playoffs. Someone else has to step up before the Mavs do anything better than getting bounced. Unfortunately, with the new West, they may not make the postseason.

Memphis Grizzlies: The worst team in the league two years ago is now the youngest team in the league. They also have some crazy cool players. I was mad at first that they traded Kevin Love for O.J. Mayo, because I was looking forward to the Gay-Love Era in Memphis. Gay-Mayo is way more baller, though. Adding Marc "La Tanqueta" Gasol, the Grizz will start two seven-footers, and be able to take it to the hole or shoot. The Grizz are back for the attack.