BRISTOL, Conn. - Sources behind the scenes at ESPN have confirmed that college football analyst and former NFL and BYU lineman Trevor Matich, despite being hired by the sports broadcasting giant two years ago, was declared legally dead no less than four years ago. "Yeah, I mean, it's pretty clear to me," said fellow ESPN analyst and physician Dr. Jerry Punch. "He's got absolutely no brain activity. Merely repeating what he sees on film and enunciating it too harshly, with no concept of tone or diction...open and shut case.
"Oh yeah," concluded Dr. Punch. "He had a temperature of 66 degrees and no pulse whatsoever. A lot of drool when he's talking, too."
The incident was reported after records were found that Matich was hit by an oncoming bus, launching him into a nearby river, but not before he was hit by an oncoming speedboat. Cause of death was due to drowning due to sinking as well as blunt force trauma, none of which was to his brain.
Matich said he couldn't confirm or deny that he had been killed four years ago, and instead insisted we look at game film of the Oregon-Stanford game that showed conclusively that Oregon was a more physical team, despite the obvious double-digit deficit the Cardinal had.
ESPN has refused to comment on the life status of Lou Holtz and insist that Mark May is just a huge asshole.
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