Caption Contest!

"He wadda ya doing habba da madda. Comubba yaguzza, makka la flarra ma uprilla!"

Demarcus gets drafted

Demarcus Cousins: Dave! Hey, it's me, Demarcus! Great to finally meet you!

I can't tell you how excited I am. I've been dreaming of this moment my entire life. So who's going to pay me to play basketball?

Sacawhat?

Sacramento. Nope. Never heard of it. Is it in Alabama? Hm. Is it in Kentucky? Well where...? California! Shit yes! I'm going to Hollywood!

Oh. Not near Hollywood. Wait, there's a NORTHERN California? Shit yes! I can finally wear this hat I found.

Bitchin'. I've been wanting to put this fuzzy thing on my head ever since I swerved to miss it because I thought it was a dog on the highway. I think I'm going to like Sacramento. Apparently they let basketball players run the city there.

So who do I get to play with?

/Looks at roster

Hmmm. Never heard of most of these guys. Well, except for Tyreke. Coach Cal always talked about him. You know, some of these guys look a little fat. I'm worried about the conditioning program of these so-called "Kings."

/ripples in water glass
//table starts shaking
///ground starts rumbling
////Sean May bursts through wall

Sean May: 'Sup, bitch? Rookie hazing starts today. Go and get me a box of donuts, some cheese straws, and two bags of funyuns. Oh, and a six pack of root beer. I'll be on my bean bag chair, just come and find me.

Demarcus: Well, I at least hope the owners are nice.


Oh... Ummmm. Aw, shit.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

Tough one today gang.

Today we are going to eliminate one sport from existence.

I know it's tough because we all like sports, but I feel like destroying something beautiful today.

Ok so my gut choice would be "Crew." Why? Well I submit there is nothing inherently wrong with the sport, and rowing provides things such as backdrops/bridging scenes in movies. But have you ever talked to someone on crew? Shit if you have I'm sure you learned that crew is the coolest and toughest sport in the world. And I get it crew is pretty demanding and requires a decent amount of skill. But is this not true of most other sports. Case in point, I actually had this conversation.

Me: I don't know sometimes I think Ironman triathletes are the best in the world.
Crew guy and girl: Well typically CREW members are the fittest.
Me:....?

See I would expect an Ironman triathlete to respond to this but they are too busy RUNNING A FUCKING MARATHON AFTER A TWO AND A HALF MILE SWIM AND A 112 MILE BIKERIDE!!!

But no, I dont think having an oar in your hand instantly makes you a douche, these people would naturally gravitate to other sports. Plus, England needs something to win at the Olympics.

No, my selection will be Fencing and really any sword sport in general. (Looking at you Kenjutsu) Here's my issue, first it's not even realistic. Have you seen one of these matches? Basically if you get tapped on the shoulder then poof, your dead. If you watch Deadliest Warrior, and I have, you learn that death blows are effective and awesome.



(Oh I've done this before, except we used branches and no padding)

Second problem is that these "sports" take up space. Which is fine as long as you have your own little sword fighting place. But NOOOOO, these guys always have to hold court in every local rec center in America. Wanna play some pick up basketball? Sorry these fucking tools are taking up half the court with their little saber battle. The local YMCA used to open up a half of the court in winter where you could throw a baseball around, and every time we would go we'd have to deal with blade masters. I remember one time we were waiting for them to be done and one guy came up to me and I swear said "Don't worry we won't hurt you"

That man also had braces.

Lately however, it's gotten much worse. I'm lucky enough to have indoor racquetball/handball courts. This is excellent for me because I don't have to pay a membership fee to an exclusive racquet club in order to play handball during the winter and poor weather. I walk in and who do I see. These Sanctioned LARPers holding a camp where infect younger generations with space stealing doucheness ON THE HANDBALL COURT. What's next? The Weightroom?

Hey Danielson, find your own Dojo and get out of my rec center.

Ok that felt good. Shit storm begin.

Get excited, Americans.

This is how it should be. Just listen.

Icehouse is Casahielo down here in Mexico this week, but that doesn't mean that my blood is Orange, White and Green. The Mexicans are excited too. We may be bitter rivals on the field, but our fates are still intertwined in more ways than one. Everybody's getting up for this one.

Listen to the video above. I've played the recording about 50 times already. It brings goosebumps. I can only imagine how great it will be if we make it past Ghana, which will already be more success than the United States has ever seen in the World Cup.

I love America and I love all of you.





More of the call at Los Fanaticos.

More amazing photos at OMG Yanks.

I HATE HATE HATE Germany Ghana

(The first draft of this article was written immediatley after the United States secured passage onto the next round, when it seemed inevitable that Germany would come in second in its group. Of course, the Krauts won their stupid, stupid group, leaving us to play Ghana. And, being the frugal enterprise we are at the Ghost, are employing the services of an intern as editor, 17 year old Tommy Martins. That is all.)









ARGH! These guys?! Again? I thought we already sent you packing during WWII the Third Ashanti-British War (1900–1901)? People who know me...heck, even people who DON'T know me, know that I hate hate hate Germany Ghana with a passion. I can't even say how much I hate hate hate Germany Ghana without repeating the word "hate" thrice. Hate hate (for the aforementioned and quoted use).

What do I say about Germany Ghana? What can anyone say about that awful, awful place? First off, in their native, barbaric and wretched-sounding tongue, it's pronounced Deutchland Ghana. Looks an awfully lot like the word "Douche," "Gonorrhea" no? Hey DEUTCH bags Gonorrhea bags! Go back to DOUCHEland Gonorrhealand!

I've never met a good-looking woman from Germany Ghana. They have parrallellogram parrallellogram haircuts, abstract arts, and their clothing is always the drabbest of drab most colorful of colorful. Me? I love colors drab! Purple, yellow, green, red, blue: I'LL WEAR THEM ALL I'LL NEVER WEAR THEM. Heck, I'll put it all on one many article articles of clothing, just to show how much I love color drabness and how much I hate hate hate drabness color.

The Krauts Warrior Kings and their arrogance. Their pride! What kind of nickname is Kraut Warrior King, anyway? Need I remind everyone about a certain couple few of episodes known as, uh, WORLD WARS I AND II THE ASHANTI-BRITISH WARS I, II, AND III. The first one was the absolute worst. Mustard Gas? Spears? That stuff eats your lungs out from the inside. Thanks for bringing that about, you Schnitzel cocoa-eaters. Oh, then the persectution of 6 million Jewish British people and countless more you Nazi Ashanti people slayed. THANKS YOU GUYS! HATE HATE HATE.

OH, and who's Germany's Ghana's most famed citizen? I don't think I needed to remind anyone of that previous fact, but I KNOW I don't need to remind anyone of the fact that ADOLF HITLER KOFI ANNAN IS WITHOUT A DOUBT ONE OF THE WORST PEOPLE TO HAVE EVER WALKED ON THE PLANET. I guarantee you there are teams of scientists spread out all over the world, just aching to invent a time machine to go back and make sure that Hilter Annan's never born by any and all means necessary. That's gotta be priority numero uno for any time voyager. Go to the future and purchase a sports almanac for present-day gambling purposes: No. 2. Castrating Hitler's Annan's dad: No. 1.

I'm trying not to beat a dead horse elephant here, but c'mon. I think we all know the importance of this game Saturday, the US vs. Germany Ghana. This is about more than just soccer. This is about more than just Landon Donovan vs. Hans-Jörg Butt Anthony Annan. This is about sending a message that may have been forgotten long ago by our liberal conservative media today: America rules and Germany Ghana sucks.

In case you didn't know, I HATE HATE HATE Germany Ghana.

The End

PS: If the USA, can't win, I know it's a longshot but look for Ghana Germany to come out on top. That's where my money is. I got a GREAT feeling about those guys. Good team, good team.

So you don't like soccer, huh?

Good. I'm glad. I'm glad that you perpetuate the myth that Americans are introverted. Shit, only twenty percent of us have passports. Fuck the rest of the world, right? You can get all the culture you need in Goodland, Kansas.

I'm glad you were watching American Idol. I'm glad you think that Nascar is cool.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I know you're alright. I know you guys are cool. Heck, the game versus Algeria was the most watched soccer game in ESPN history. Pretty awesome.

We're getting there, everybody. Soccer is finally becoming mainstream. The MLS will perpetually be awful, but what the hell. Our guys are doing pretty well in the big leagues, and the world no longer looks forward to playing us.

AMERICEY IS WATCHING!... ANYBODY NOT WANNA GO?!

Video at the top via White Yao.

USMNT Caption Contest

ROCK FLAG AND EAGLE!!!

Monday Morning S--t Storm

Ok gang, this week we have a request from one of our readers.

Best childhood sports movie.

I'm going to stay out of this hunt, but I feel like this space gives me an opportunity to go on a classic Lattimer rant.

Childhood sports movies today blow ass. Major ass. I mean instead of legendary figures like Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez we have a primate leading teams to victory. The grinding play of Charlie Banks has been replaced by Zack Efron's flowing locks and "fresh" beats. And the most glaring difference is the iconic girl badasses, (Icebox, Connie Moreau, Julie "The Cat" Gaffney etc.) have been replaced with female characters portrayed as victims.

Oh and don't even get me started about the coaches.

Anyway I feel bad for this generation because they are now growing up with pure shit in terms of sports movies.

That is all, Shit Storm Begin.

Brewfest

If any of you are in New York City this weekend you should head to Governors Island for Brewfest. I will be there all day Saturday sampling some of the best craft beers New York has to offer! It's definitely worth checking out. For more information click here.

The real reason everyone hates Michael Bolton

Slowpitch season is starting to heat up which means millions of Americans will partake in the least competitive game in the world.

We all know that softball guy. You know the ones who take it waaaay too seriously.

They buy batting gloves, $100 dollar bats, Oakley shades. They take batting practice, keep stats, they throw it around the horn, and they go all out in Coed leagues.

But never, have I seen a softball guy take it so far.

Go here for a better video from Everything is Terrible.

Now I'm sure everyone remembers Michael from the comedy classic Office Space.

That movie was the first time I learned that Bolton was a no talent ass clown, but I figured Bolton hatred was just a trend. I mean he seemed like a perfectly nice fellow. I figured Office Space made it cool to hate Michael Bolton.

But then I watched this video and realized;

Michael Bolton has a slowpitch softball instructional video.

Michael Bolton has his own team called "The Bolton Bombers"

Michael Bolton thinks his music is a "Home Run" or a "Grand Slam"

Michael Bolton wants to "advance the game of slow pitch softball

Michael Bolton wants to travel the country challenging the best slow pitch softball teams in each state and eventually each city.

Michael Bolton is a tool.

Icehouse is gay for soccer, so I'm taking over.

Heeeeeeeyy there friend. How's it hangin? My name's Jack Nicholson. You may remember me from such films as the one where I was the Joker but didn't kill myself, and the one where I was retarded or something and teamed up with a single mom and a pillowbiter for a roadtrip. I think I won an award for that last one. Whatever. People in Hollywood are stupid. I could go do something else, but it's just so damn easy to live here. Did you know that I haven't paid for these seats sense 1994? Honest to God. I keep getting the bill, but I just tell Ronnie up there at security that I have a lifetime membership. Like this is a goddamn country club or something. Rubes.

Aaaaaaaannyway, I just had to pop by to explain something to this pussy Icehouse. Explain something with some brass knuckles in his ears if he doesn't pay ol' Jacky boy the proper attention.

Icehouse has been devoting a LOT of time and attention to this "soccer" thing going on half a world away. He seems to have forgotten that the NBA Finals are going on, and you know what? That's just sad on his part. I used to respect him. I really did. I wouldn't go so far as to say "like," but respect fits. Like I respected the Big Chief in the one movie where I was in the loony bin. Yeah, that's it. I wouldn't pal around with the big sumbitch, but if I needed something smashed or a basketball game won, you could call his number and presto! He'd take care of it.

So Icehouse is off pirouetting with some greaseballs in the magical fairy tale land of "Cold-Weather Africa." You can't fool Jacky. The boy's on some goofballs. Like this one time, me and Dennis Hopper... you know what? That's for another time. I went to all this trouble of hacking into Icehouse's account to talk some friggin' hoops!

Didja see my boys put the hurting on those New England jackasses? That was sweet. That was almost as brutal as this one torture-porn I financed back in the '80s. I say "financed" but what I mean is "used my boat to dump her body off San Onofre." As if the 20-point lead going into halftime wasn't enough, Dumbo surprised everyone out of their codpieces with a nice little jam on the walking corpse of Kevin Garnett.

Use those ears to fly there, kid. They've gotta be good for something. Just remember that I sold your mom to a traveling circus and she's probably dead now. HAHA! JACK'S IN CHARGE!

Now if there's something I like, it's kicking a man while he's down. Sure, the knockout punch is pretty sweet, but the crunch of unprotected ribs when I bring down an Academy Award-winning people's elbow? No symphony sounds so majestic. Which is why I like this little munchkin Shannon. Sure, he's named after a girl, but the little tyke can fly! Look at him go!

Good goddamn! Funk!

So with that, I bid you all a good day. Icehouse knows what he can do to get back in my good graces. It ain't pretty, but he knows.

TELL ME WHAT IS UP IN THE NAME OF GLORIOUS LEADER

SALUTATIONS, CAPITALIST DRONES. I, JONG TAE-SE HAVE BEEN DECIDED BY THE GLORIOUS LEADER KIM JONG-IL TO ADDRESS YOU.

HOW ARE YOUR PITHY LIVES OUTSIDE OF PARADISE? SATISFACTORY, I HOPE, BUT I KNOW THAT YOUR LIVES ARE MEANINGLESS WITHOUT THE SUNSHINE AND HAPPINESS BESTOWED BY KIM JONG-IL, DEFENDER OF THE PEOPLE. SURE, YOU MAY ATTEMPT TO FILL THAT VOID WITH "FREE WILL," "RELIGION," AND "LARGE BREASTED WOMEN," BUT WE ALL KNOW THESE ATTEMPTS ARE FUTILE AND YOU ALL WILL FAIL!

CRUMBLE BEFORE MY MIGHT!

GLORIOUS LEADER HAS ALLOWED ME TO TAKE MY FOOTBALLING CAREER TO THE SECOND GREATEST LEAGUE IN THE WORLD, JAPAN'S J-LEAGUE. AS I AM THE GREATEST PLAYER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD (OUTSIDE OF KIM JONG-IL, WHO INVENTED THE GAME), THE FOOLISH IMPERIAL SERVANTS OF THAT DOWNTRODDEN COUNTRY PAY ME HANDSOMELY. I DESPISE THE VERY SIGHT OF MONEY, SO I SPEND IT ALL ON NINTENDOS, IPODS, NIKES, AND CARS. YOU EVEN FAIL AT INFECTING ME WITH WEALTH, ASSHOLE GOD-FEARING JAPANESE! YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT AND YOUR LEAGUE WOULD BE USELESS WERE IT NOT FOR KIM JONG-IL'S CHARITY OF GRACING YOU WITH MY PRESENCE!

COMMENCE LAUGHTER!

WE ARE THE BEST PREPARED TEAM IN THE HISTORY OF ANY WORLD CUP. WE KEEP OURSELVES ISOLATED FROM LAZY FAT CAPITALISTS. YOUR TEETH, SHOES, POTABLE WATER AND ADEQUATE FOOD SUPPLY DIMINISH YOUR WORK ETHIC! WE PRACTICE THROUGH THE NIGHT BEHIND OUR BARBED WIRE. IT IS TO KEEP YOU OUT, NOT US IN! WE ARE FREE AND HAPPY BECAUSE OF OUR GLORIOUS LEADER!

IF YOU HOLD ENOUGH FAVOR WITH THE GLORIOUS LEADER AND DEFENDER OF THE PEOPLE TO HAVE AN INTERNET CONNECTION, USE THIS AS AN OPEN THREAD FOR TODAY'S GAMES!

JOIN ME OR DIE! CAN YOU DO ANY LESS?!?!

Monday Morning S--t Storm

The Italian national team plays today. In honor of the Italians and their surprisingly accurate stereotypes we'll have a shit storm about Pizza.

I feel like I'm fairly good at judging pies. I've been to a lot of places, tried a lot of pizza. both good, and bad.


I'm completely unbiased in this endeavor, for instance Osama Bin Laden could roll up and hand me a delicious pie and I would give him all the credit in the world. Then I would shoot him. I always wondered how Pizza Hut and Domino's stayed in business. It's quite possibly the worst pizza in the world, however in certain locations it is the best anyone can get. And that my friends is a crime against humanity.

Now I'm not going to give you some type of food network inspired rating system, I think the hobbers can handle themselves. However I will mention that the price of the pizza can greatly affect the taste. The one great thing about my current location is the fact that I can get a large pie for $10 American and it will probably be better than anything you have.

Ok so shit storm, best pizza. Go

Friday afternoon Fun Bag!!!!

WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO Weekend time my fellow Americans, time to kick those limey fucks right into a vat of toothpaste.


Hey England, this is a visual representation of what is about to go down tomorrow.

Regardless of what happens, I just want you to remember one thing. SCOREBOARD.
(but honestly, this commercial is great)


Another thing we have on you? If a bad call is made in England you sit there and plead with the ref. In America we go completely fucking apeshit. Here let Wally Backman show you how it's done in Uhmuuurica. (earplugs suggested)

Fish and Chips? Take your fish and chips and shove it up your fuckin ass! Put that on your fish and chips you little fuckin pipsqueak!

Well thats true...until game 7.

I won't say American music is better than the English, BUT OUR INSPIRATIONAL MONTAGES ARE SECOND TO NONE!!!

BEHOLD AMERICA'S 3RD/4TH TIER ATHLETES!!!


Woooooo hell yes, have fun watching the games everyone.

ROCK FLAG AND EAGLE!!!

Fight on USC

I hate to break up our little World Cupcakke but we need to address some issues in CFB.

I've written a couple posts about the clusterfuck that is CFB. I'll get to Big 12 Jenga in a little bit, but first let's cover what we know.

USC

Here is what I wrote last night when the NCAA sanctions were received by USC.

Look, I know everyone is excited about the World Cup, myself included, but we really need to address the shit that has been happening in the College Football world.

First thing I'll talk about is the impending sanctions facing USC. Finally after an investigation rivaling the Warren Commission the USC will release the findings/penalties either Thursday or Friday.

Given the allegations that Reggie Bush received an estimated $300,000 and a new house, I think it's safe to assume he'll retroactively lose his eligibility.

Now this really doesn't affect Bush other than the fact he'll most likely lose his Heisman Trophy.

For USC any ineligible players usually means vacated wins and most importantly the 2004 MNC.

Where it gets interesting is if the NCAA decides to go the Alabama route. Limiting scholarships wouldn't nescisarilly hurt the Trojans, but I'd be more worried about the loss of TV deals and post season bans. THAT could really F with an established program like USC with a brand new coach. But you know what? If anyone can lie and sleaze a pitch to recruits it's Lane Kiffin.

Well the sanctions came in late last night, Here is a response from L.A



HOOOOOLY SHIT

So let's see. Not only do they get the postseason ban, but they also lose 30 scholarships over a three year period, 10 per year.

30!?!?!?! I was thinking 3-5

Oh yeah, and vacated wins.

To put that into perspective, every DI team gets 85 scholarships. Depending on each teams situation (Unless they oversign....Looking at you Saban) This year they have 7 verbals. In previous years they had 20, 18, 19, 18 which, as you can assume, is pretty standard for any BCS school. In effect they'll be losing 8-10 guys per year.

The problem with this is that teams don't win games with the top 10% of guys, and you don't win with the bottom 10%. You win with the 80% in the middle, and this is precisely the group a significant scholarship limit will fuck in the ass.

Just ask Alabama and Miami.

Next problem is the postseason ban. Sure, you lose money, but it will also affect recruiting. As I mentioned earlier it's a tough sell telling a kid "Hey have you heard how all those other coaches told you how sweet bowl games are? Well we won't be doing that for your first two years here." But the biggest problem, and this will test Kiffin's douche level, with the two year ban USC juniors and Seniors can transfer and play the next season.

/Urban Boner

//Saban Boner

USC fans seem to be surprised, I can't fathom why. I guess they are used to mommy and Daddy giving them $296,000, Limo's, A house, and other free shit. But don't blame Reggie. Ok blame him, he comes off as a dumbass and huge asshole, but I'd like Forbes to do some type of study showing exactly how much he made your school. Oh and NCAAssholes don't act all high and mighty. Bush played in one of the greatest CFB games of all time, and USC gave you the highest rated game to date.

To be sure, USC didn't get taken out to the shed because Bush got so much money, it's because USC was aware of the whole situation. If it wasn't for that/self report after the 05 season I think we're looking at vacated wins, and some type of probation.

Final thing, I usually hate Tennessee but hopefully Smokey is howling Rocky Top in Knoxville tonight. Lane Kiffin has to be the dumbest, most egotistical coach in the universe. I mean EVERYONE was talking about this when he left Tennessee.

I'll be impressed if you keep that .363 winning percentage.

Asshole.

(not listed in the report, Leinart's free cases of Smirnoff Ice)

English Keeper Robert Green Lasered Into Several Pieces by Time Traveling Vigilante

CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA - Robert Green, a goal keeper for the English World Cup Team, has been shot with a high-powered laser beam by a time traveling vigilante known only as McTred, leaving Green in several separate pieces of charred flesh and ash.

"You know how in those American films Terminator and Back to the Future[Part II], people are always going back in time to fix some sort of catastrophe in the future?" explained English midfielder Shaun Wright-Phillips. "This chap comes runnin' out of a inter-dimensional vortex, and wham-o. There goes Greenie. Must've done something real bad."

Green will therefore be unavailable for the match against Team USA, scheduled for Saturday, as being the only player to use his hands, he has none left.

English Defender Ledley King Impaled By Shards of Broken Glass After Running with Boxful of Broken Glass

CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA - English defender Ledley King was tragically impaled by thousands of shards of broken glass of varying sizes and girth after picking up a large and cumbersome box that was heavily filled to the brim with the aforementioned, already broken pieces of glass.

"Led's one of the fastest, hardest-working guys on the whole squad," said English midfielder Shaun Wright-Phillips. "When he saw that big cardboard box that had 'BROKN GLASS' on it in the middle of our practice facility, he went right for it, tried to move as quickly as possible. Then he tripped over his own left foot and, oh my, what a mess."

This makes King ineligible for the match against the United States on Saturday, as he'll be undergoing a week-long, extremely painful glass removal surgery, as soon as proper recycling authorities are found to take the glass afterward.

English Midfielder James Milner Accidentally Stabs Self In Anus With Lawn Dart

CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA - James Milner, midfielder for Team England in this year's World Cup, accidentally stabbed himself in the anus while attempting an ill-planned maneuver during a friendly game of lawn darts with his fellow squad mates.

"Well, you know how sometimes footy players will try and do a front-handspring, but where they use that momentum to throw the ball really far?" explained fellow midfielder Shaun Wright-Phillips. "He tried to do that, but with a lawn dart instead, and failed epically, the end result being a lawn dart up my mate's rear."

Milner will therefore be unavailable for the World Cup match against the United States, as game time will be at or near the gauze will be carefully detached from the wound, as they have already begun to become grafted to the still-healing skin in and around the anus.

I had a dream last night...

So I had this dream last night. I was playing tennis with Allen Iverson on a blue court. He was decked out in the old school Reebok "Answ3r" gear. He had a mean drop shot and a dirty spin serve.

Anyway, we got to talking after our game. He said he was just happy to be competing in something other than basketball, because there's too much stress on him when he hoops. I said that the game will always be part of him, and gave him this theory that I had.

The theory was that if Rasheed Wallace wasn't in the NBA Finals right now, he'd be in a playground somewhere in a tank top, jacking threes, dunking, taking sips off of a brew and talking mad shit. Basically, that the game's a part of him and that even if he wasn't making millions of dollars, he'd still be doing it.

Allen Iverson responded with, "No, Sheed would be a jiu jitsu instructor. You know, with a tight-ass 'fro."

If anyone can tell me what any of this means, it would be a big help.

WAGS of the World Cup

In keeping with the theme of the previous post, I thought I should share this wonderful website which features some pretty sexy photos of the WAGS of the World Cup. Here's a preview:

World Cupkakke!

This is Steven Gerrard's girlfriend. Good work, man. Good airbrushed work.


I bet you didn't think that you would see a great NBA finals game, then see Icehouse pop up and spout off more soccer babble. But that's what we're getting today, chumpstyles. AND no caption contest. In your faces. I'm determined to make the sparse few of you actually give a fuck. If I succeed in full, you may even have something insightful to say whilst watching a game.

So I posted the picture above, getting your attention. It worked, didn't it? Well, there's plenty more where that came from, right over here at Bleacher Report.

Now, if we'll all turn our attention back from the boobs to me, I'd like to say something about the sport itself. The Spoiler compiled a list of the 10 most exciting players that will be playing in the Cup (note: Arjen Robben hurt himself a little, but should be able to play. Didier Drogba hurt his elbow, but you don't need arms in soccer, so he'll play). Anyway, if you're too lazy to click on that link, here's a few of my favorites:

Franck Ribery of France:


Kaká of Brazil:


Wayne Rooney of England:


Woody Harrelson of the Rest of the World:


If you watch all ten videos on the spoiler, you'll get a pretty good idea of what great soccer looks like. If you watch the whole thing and don't see anything that you like, then fine. Go back to watching UFC reality shows on SpikeTV you white trash piece of shit.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.

I'm sorry.

The World Cup is near, my friends.

Cristiano: "Why so glum, friendo? You no like me fucking you wife? Look, I make cool. I fuck you too."


I can barely contain my excitement. The World Cup is one of my favorite sporting events, but unlike the NFL or NBA playoffs, I have to wait four fucking years to watch it. Instead of waxing poetic about how it's a great game and Americans are stupid for not watching it, I'm just going to pass along whatever I come across in a series of quickies.

First up, David Beckham + Snoop Dogg + Daft Punk + one of the guys from Oasis + one of the guys from Knocked Up + Star Wars.


Also, Shakira sings the theme song for the World Cup. Because nothing says South Africa like Colombia.


Now I hope that at least some of you will give half a shit about the games this weekend. They will at least be fun, regardless of the outcome. Plus, America plays England. I can't wait for that. My advice would be to find the nearest "pub" to go watch. You'll be able to find these things pretty easily. They are the places where you try to drink as much beer as you normally do, but either get too full or run out of money before you're properly shitcanned.

Until later, biotches.

Monday Morning Sh*t Storm

For today's shit storm, let's go with "Sport You'd Most Like To See Become Professional At Some Point." You know, like club sports or recreational activities that are fun but don't have the following of the NFL or MLB.

My vote is Ultimate Frisbee.

Before you go all hipster-bashing on me, know this: I liked it before it was hipster, because it's like football, but with a frisbee. When I'm really bored at work, you know, that type of bored where you're staring at the keyboard in front of you wondering if the decisions you've made in your life are the right ones and if not how you're ever going to dig yourself you of this hole, this rut, this chasm that is your life in your mid-twenties...when I'm that bored at work, I google the word "Frisbee" just because I think it's about the most fun thing you could ever invent. And the guy who invented it looks like he knows a thing or two about fun.

Alright. Unconventional sport you'd like to see professionalized. Go.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Stephen Gerrard here. I like to play footy. I also like to get blackout drunk and punch people. But look at me face! So pretty! I'll never walk alone!

Ok fine. WOO. Short week! It's all over! We are now barreling face-first into summer sweetness.

Let's get to it.

First and foremost, Nike put out this ad that debuted last night on the finals. Andre 3000 remakes the Beatles. Kobe haters, your shoe is Adidas. Enjoy.


Say Queensbridge!


I am woefully unimpressed by this Japanese screaming contest.


His name is Evan. He's a teen werewolf.


It's a good thing this video has been on every single web site this week, because I could watch it over and over again.


It's odd. I hate both of these bands, but this mash-up is awesome.


Lattimer and I have already ordered this video, and will be ready for NBA training camp in the fall.


Ok. Fucking right. Good shit, everybody. See you out there.

/pats all of your asses

Former Mrs. Jim Joyce: "Well That Just Figures"

TOLEDO, OH - When asked about her ex-husband, Umpire Jim Joyce, and his blown call that cost Detroit Tiger's pitcher Armando Galarraga a perfect game, an indignant Eunice Hampton-Joyce said "Well, that just figures" through gnashed teeth.

"He was wrong about everything," nagged Hampton-Joyce, who claims to be happier alone than with Joyce. "How to stack the dishes, how to fold the towels, how to dust the mantle. Wrong, wrong, wrong."

The Joyces split in 2003, after Hampton-Joyce cited irreconcilable differences 23 minutes after Joyce cited domestic abuse. The case was settled out of court and a restraining order was issued between the two.

"It's just like him to get something so completely simple as that so completely wrong," screeched Hampton-Joyce. "His mother really did a number on him. Him and that stupid mustache of his."

Hampton-Joyce then abruptly ended the interview with reporters to collect yet another ball that had strayed on to her front porch, but not before delivering an expletive-laced diatribe toward the eight-year-old who lost the aforementioned ball.

Caption Contest!

No quippy intros. Let's just get to this.

First up, Barry Switzer is happy, and drunk.


Kendry Morales broke his leg after a walk-off grand slam the other day.


And finally, Federer lost. And made this kid do creepy things.


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