Monday Morning S--t Storm

The Oscars happened last night so it only seems proper to address our specialty.

Sports Movies

We've debated the greatest movies of all time, the shitiness of "The Replacements" as well as some of our favorite characters. Today we face one of the toughest tasks known to mankind.

Creating a baseball roster from fictional movie characters.

I'll be honest, this was one of the hardest things I've ever done on the shit storm. Knowing baseball movies there are sure to be some strong disagreements.

First some ground rules.

Only fictional characters. It would be too easy to pick Ozzie Smith in "The Scout" or Ken Griffey Jr. in Little big league. Also important to note that you can't have an actor playing a character. So Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, Shoe less Joe, Lou Gherig, and Marris are all out.

We're looking at actual performance in the movie, however the shiftiness of the movie will also come into play.

Do your best to keep positions true to their movies, however, you can make some changes with a proper defense of your position change.

The Lineup:

1. CF Willie Mays Hayes "Major League"
-Prototypical lead off man with above average defensive skills.

2. LF Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez "The Sandlot"
-As you know Benny played every position so we can put him anywhere. That versatility combined with his 5 tool skills is perfect for a dangerous 2 hole player
3. RF Roy Hobbs "The Natural"
-Goes without saying, but the best natural hitter in the game. He's the type of guy we want to come up in the first inning every game. Will probably post an OPS above 1.10

4. 1B Casey "Casey at he Bat"
-A surprise here, I know. But I'm not the best baseball movie GM for nothing. Casey brings power, pure raw power. I don't have official stats in front of me, but I'm assuming he can also hit for a decent average. Their are concerns about his ability to hit in the clutch, but I have a plan for that.

(At this point I'll have you notice that I have a L,R,S,R 1-4)

5. C Dottie Hinson "A league of Their Own"
-This was probably the hardest position to pick. I'll justify myself here. Crash Davis is a power hitter, but he's really past his prime. Ham "The Great Hambino" Porter is still a young prospect, and Jack Parkman is simple too much of a cancer. Dottie brings the solid leadership to the table, as well as being an above average hitter.

6. 3B Roger Dorn "Major League"
-Tough call here. Dorn is most likely that average vet I'll be replacing soon.

7. SS Yeah Yeah "The Sandlot"
-More of a defensive value here. Concerns about performance enhancing drugs.

8. Pitcher
-Using the LaRussa style to put a lead off hitter in the 9 spot. Plus the DH is gay.

9. 2B Mickey Scales "Little Big League"
-Much more of a defensive value, but can add some valued speed to the bottom of the lineup.

Pitching Staff:
1. Ebby "Nuke" LaLoosh "Bull Durham"
-Young prospect, solid 3 pitches, has matured in recent years.

2.Steve Nebraska "The Scout"
-Fastball tops out over 100, provides added value at the plate for a NL team.

3. Henry Baumgartner "Rookie of the Year"
-Again, fastball tops out at over 100. Arm/Elbow troubles are an issue.

4. Kenny DeNunez "The Sandlot'
-Above Average fastball, tends to hang off speed pitches.

5. Amanda Wurlitzer "The Bad News Bears"
-Great command, ability to throw 100 plus innings.

Swing starters/Long Relief:

Mel Clark "Angels in the outfield"
-Worthless swing starter

Eddie Harris "Major League"
-Crafty Veteran

Middle Relief:

Carlton "Doc" Windgate "Major League 3: Back to the minors"
-Junk ball specialist

Kit Keller "A league of Their Own"
-Has good tools, needs to show more command of her pitches

Montgomery Brewster "Brewsters Millions"
-Could also fill in as swing starter/Long relief

Late Relief:
Setup: John Blackout Gatling "Little Big League"
-Powerful late inning guy

Closer
Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn "Major League"
-Premiere closer in the game

Bench:

OF Taka Tanaka "Major League 2"
-late inning defensive sub/Spot starter

Util Kelly Leak "Bad News Bears"
-Originally drafted as an OF, his athleticism allows him to project to any position. His above average bat has him challenging yeah yeah for the SS position

1B/OF Pedro Cerano "Major League"
-LH power hitter, who can replace Casey in late inning situations

OF Downtown Anderson "Major League 3: Back to the minors"
-Line drive hitting prospect

1B/3B Lou Collins "Little Big League"
-Looks to change positions and challenge Dorn for the starting 3B job.

C Ham Porter "The Sandlot"
-Power hitting, shit talking back up.

Coaches:
Manager Lou Brown "Major League"
-Strong skipper who can handle the various personalities

Bench Coach Billy Heywood "Little Big League"
-Sabermetric expert will compliment Brown's weaknesses

1B coach Phil Brickman "Rookie of the Year"
-High Energy motivator


3B Larry Hockett "Bull Durham"
-Obligatory


Hitting Crash Davis "Bull Durham"
-Past his prime, but still knows the physical and mental aspects of hitting

Pitching Chet Steadman "Rookie of the Year"
-Crafty vet, with valuable insight for young pitchers

Bull Pen Jake Taylor
-Smart vet who knows what to tell pitchers in certain game situations

So there's my list, include your lineup/critiques in the comments.

Begin

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Ok, jabronies. Short and sweet. GO OUTSIDE! WINTER IS DONE!

/knocks on wood

Ok, first off, Demar Derozan totally should have kept dunking. No props, son!

If you watched the dunk contest, Blake Griffin missed that dunk. A couple of times.

And now, some freaky stuff. This dude falls off a mountain. OFF. A. MOUNTAIN.

Ager Stefan Stubai drop PTTP from Stefan Ager on Vimeo.

And this... this is just too bad. Probably the second worst thing Phil Simms ever produced. The first being his son, Chris.


OMG! High School Funk!


Ok. I'm done. Get two dollars, y'all.

Mike Beasley really shouldn't be trying to sell drugs with D'Angelo when they both work for Avon.

Last night, while perusing my tumblr dashboard, I came across two pictures that seemed identical. "Haha!" I thought to myself. "Somebody trusted their queue again. Noobs." I probably said this aloud, as all my friends now live inside the internet and cannot hear me. But no. The images are in fact similar yet... different.


Enhance.




It's... uncanny.

Thanks to NBA Offseason and Art of the Wire for making that magical moment possible.

Farewell Sweet Prince

News out of Blacksburg today, that long time Hokie frenemy, Brian Stinespring has been relieved of his playcalling duties. Replacing him IS....

QB coach Mike O'Cain


Sigh.

This may not seem like a big deal to fans of other teams, but for Beamer this is like
cleaning house. It's apparent (at least in Frank's mind) that he wants that MNC title before he retires to the hills to watch the Andy Griffith show for the rest of his days. Especially with this news coming after the additions to Shane o Beamer (greatest longsnapper in Tech history) and Cornell Brown. (hater of QB's).

Clemson fans are probably laughing at Beamer right now as O'Cain served as their OC in 2000 leading them to 75th in the nation in total offense. So he should fit right in at Tech.

The two other moves have been long coming. Beamer went out on his own and served most of his career in the ACC, specifically Beamer is a great recruiter landing some of the top national players while at USC east.

Brown is a young guy who was one of Tech's best in the long line of great defensive ends.

As far as Stiney goes, I'm kind of sad to see him go. The guy was singlehandedly blamed for everything that went wrong on the football field. Some of the criticism was warranted, some of it was not. By all accounts he's a nice guy, and he did show improvement (although I could do that with the ACC player of the year and three future NFL runningbacks) I think the main thing is there was no rhyme or reason to what he was doing. Play action on third and long, routes that take 5 seconds to develop, the "oh shit run" style of QB play. But don't worry, he's still coaching TE's. (which he never used)

Like most Hokie fans, I was looking for an established OC who had some type of identity. Specifically, the Fridge would've been great, but I assume that Maryland money he's sitting on is too much. O'cain will have the entire WR corp returning along with David Wilson. He'll have to break in young uber freak QB Logan Thomas. So basically same ole same ole. Things could go moderately well, or really really bad.

Bud Foster had no comment on the matter, he was too busy being cooler than all of us.

D'Antoni Will Set You Free

OR WILL HE?!


LOL JK He will. This took way longer than it should have, probably due to the meddling of megalomaniac villain Mikhail Prokhorov. I'm happy that it's over. While I'm sad that Carmelo and Chauncey (along with some worthless dudes) are leaving the Sticky Nuggs, I'm happy for Carmelo to play with Amar'e. And that the Knicks held on to Landry Fields while dumping Danilo Gallinari and Timofey Mozgov






Hmmmmmmmm.


Carmelo: What you think, Chauncey?

Chauncey: I think you oughta look at places in Spanish Harlem, fam.

Carmelo: LOL

The Dunk Contest Happened.

Which is important, because it is the one time in the year that it is the funk - and only the funk - which is showcased. Nothing else matters.

The dunk contest can be a little bittersweet, since we will always be reminded of Jordan/Dominique in '88 or the entire 2000 field. Since 2000, few performances have even warranted remembering. Jason Richardson in 2003 and Gerald Green's cupcake dunk in 2008 are the only ones I really give two shits about. No, Dwight Howard and Nate Robinson do not make the list.

What I don't like about Dwight and Nate's performances is they were gimmicky bullshit. There wasn't creativity, it was mostly an Abbott and Costello routine. Sure, they're both athletic freaks, but just jumping as high as you can isn't any more entertaining than watching someone compete in the high jump. IT HAS NO FLAVOR.

Which brings me to the video above. Actually pretty entertaining stuff. There wasn't anybody who could do the things in the air like some of the previous champions, but there was still a great deal of creativity, mostly due to JaVale McGee doing shit that people never even thought of before.

Blake Griffin, for all of his power and athleticism, isn't necessarily an aerial acrobat. Not saying he didn't do some cool shit. The alley-oop Honey Dip was nasty. I also respect the full extension on windmills. However, we all knew this thing was scripted out from the beginning, and we knew that Blake Griffin was going to win, regardless of what happened.

I applaud JaVale for thinking out of the box, I would have liked to have seen Demar's next to dunks and Serge Ibaka is adorable. Blake, Hook Mitchell jumped over an entire VW bug one time, not just the hood. Just saying.

Furthermore, Lil' Wayne sat next to Schwarzenegger's kid and this picture was taken. Your argument is invalid.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

I've been watching a lot of Spartacus on netflix. Ok an unhealthy amount in a short time. It's gotten to the point that I now judge people on whether I could best them in the arena and I imagine a world where drinking wine for breakfast is not only acceptable, but encouraged.

However, it got me wondering, why don't we have gladiator matches today? Oh I know we have boxing, MMA, and football. And yes, I get all the connections between USA and Rome, but it's just not the same. I'm not talking about using REAL weapons and killing people, we could just use the wooden training weapons. Basically a step below death blows and a step above LARPing.

(on a side note, I would go for only head shots if I LARP'd)

But think about this as a high school sport. Imagine East high school vs. West high school in the yearly "games." It would be the best rivalry ever created. Every Ludus school could have their own style. West could use Mirmillone and Dimachaeri styles, while East would use Retiarii because East High is gay.


West High. SHALL I BEGIN!!!

I had this idea in high school. Basically instead of Homecoming you'd have ROMEcoming. Clever, I know. But you could even make a whole week out of it. Everyone would dress in togas, the freshman would be the servants, and everyone could drink wine and have orgy's the whole time. People would go for this right?

Anyway, the shit storm is how exactly do we make this happen?

Begin.

Friday afternoon Fun Bag!!!!

Here's another picture of Harvey Almon Updyke. Again, is anyone surprised? No, no we're not.

Wooooooo weather is getting better, maybe I can go outside and actually do something.
/Checks weather
//Rain

SHIT!

No worries, that's why we're here. To drop youtube magic.

Here's a compilation of Blake Griffin dunks. In the words of Icehouse "OMG FUNK"

Here’s A (Nearly) Exhaustive Video Compilation Of Blake Griffin Dunks from Deadspin on Vimeo.

Continuing on the with the funk here's Vince Carter's 2000 slam dunk contest. Again "OMG Funk"


Finally, someone noticed that the Sarah Maclachlan ASPCA commercial just sucks the life out of you whenever it comes on.

Other Channel
Tags: Atom.com | Funny Videos | Tournament | Upload

I want to say I'm indifferent about Justin Beiber, and I kind of feel bad for him. I mean the only people that like him are 12-15 year old girls and Usher. Anyway, he was on CSI and he got got.


Inevitable


Finally, this was sent in by Don Deleware. It's pertinant because fishing season is right around the corner.


Have a fun weekend everyone.

Don't you go Changing on me Alabama

This week in fansanity. Someone poisoned the trees on Toomer's Corner at Auburn University. Those Cal Hippies protecting the trees aren't to crazy anymore, eh Auburn?

Here's my favorite part.

The university learned that a caller to The Paul Finebaum Show, a nationally syndicated radio show based in Birmingham, on Jan. 27, claimed he had applied the herbicide. As a precaution, soil samples were taken the next day and sent to the Alabama State Pesticide Residue Laboratory on campus for analysis. Due to a small fire that occurred in the Alabama lab in December, the tests were sent to the lab at Mississippi State University in Starkville, Miss., to expedite results

PAWWWWWWWWWWWWWL This is Al from Dadeville,I poisoned the trees PAWWWWWWWWWWWL. Roll Damn Tide!!!

And is it any shock that the Alabama State Pesticide Residue Laboratory had a small fire? Of course not.

Go ahead and listen to the audio here, you wont regret the two minutes you take out of your life.

On a practical arbor terrorist level, why exactly would you call in to warn of the poisoning?Wouldn't it be more shocking if the trees just started dying? SEC fans would have a field day creating metaphors about the death of the trees and the impending death of the Auburn program due to NCAA violations.

On a human decency level, WHAT THE HELL? This is crazy even for Alabama. In times like these, we look to CFB/SEC flavor expert, Spencer Hall, to make sense of the situation. I guess, at the end of the day it's still entertaining in a sick twisted Alabama way.

So don't you go changing on me Alabama.

(Also, if you think Bear Bryan't's statue isn't being guarded 24/7 by UA ROTC you're kidding yourself.)

UPDATE


Picture of the man, arrested for the poisoning. Icehouse sent him a friend request. As suspected, he did not attend college.

GRH New Strategy to Increase Page Views

We're not a huge blog here at GRH. I feel like we bring the pain when needed, while mixing in irreverent lol's.

You can check out our sitemeter, but we roll anywhere from 120-150 unique visitors a day.

But now it's time to get ours. Our turn to get paid bitches.

It's with great pleasure that I introduce the NEW GRH SEO strategy.

Make sure you put the links in the right places indeed.

Icehouse Has Street Cred... on Twitter

That's right. Bask in it. Icehouse has so much twitcred that Hot Sauce, one of the original And 1 ballers, actually follows ME. HAHAHA! Icehouse is important!

For some flavor to take the edge off the bitter taste of Tuesday, here's some of Hot Sauce's finest.



OMG! UPDATE! This happened in an Oregon High School rivalry game. North Salem (the white team wasting time) beat West Salem (the black team bringing the funk). But the only thing that matters is that this happened.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

Today is Valentines Day, or at least I assume it is. I've noticed an increasing number of hearts, Teddy Bear commercials, and an overall pinkish hue surrounding me.

There are some people who literally hate this day, generally speaking they are either wise asses or hate it just to act cool and different. Almost like the hipsters of holidays.

For instance I had one professor in college who taught a whole lesson on the evils of Valentines day. Naturally, he was a sad lonely person who left the college on uncertain terms which may or may not have involved a drug ring.

I'm somewhat indifferent, but February is such a shitty month that it's probably not a BAD idea to place a big heart on the Calendar. Plus, in grade/middle school Valentines day always meant we didn't have to do anything.

In fact, it's one of those things that we should transfer over into the adult world. Imagine having a day where you get arbitrary cards from friends. You could even do the whole carnation sale thing and if your like me you could buy or "acquire" a load of red ones to send anonymously to friends . "Hmmm, you got a red one, that means true love. You know, I saw Bob from accounting buying a red one the other day.....weird"

But the best part of Valentines day is the actual giving of Valentines. Back in grade school I always wanted the "cool" cards. One year I had NBA cards, another year I got Shaq cards that said things like "you shatter me" with a picture of Shaq destroying a backboard. Although, I don't think I can top 3rd grade where I begged my mom to get me WWF valentines. It was so great because they had guys like Macho Man, saying "Happy Valentines OOOOOOOOO YEAHHHHHHH" Although I have to admit, I kept all of the Ultimate Warrior ones. I loved the The Warrior at the time, and if I can be honest, The Warrior's messages were kind of creepy.

In high school it was customary to make a freshman give a valentines/ devote their undying love to THE HOTTEST MOST POPULAR GIRL IN THE SCHOOL. As a socially awkward 9th grader this was terrifying, but as a 12th grader when we ROOLED THE SCHOOL it was hilarious.

I don't know why we don't do this in the adult world? Imagine if you will your place of employment. "Hey FNG, go give a homemade valentines card to Betty in HR....I don't care if her boyfriend is on steroids...Do it now, or I'll tell the boss you skip out 30 minutes early on Friday"

So or the shit storm, we're going to send Valentines to professional athletes...actually send one to anyone. Doesn't matter. Everyone needs our love.

Here's mine I made for Albert Pujols.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
PLEASE DON'T LEAVE US I CAN'T HANDLE IT, YOU KNOW YOU LOVE US I SWEAR TO GOD I DON'T EVEN CARE WHAT HAPPENS I JUST WANT YOU ON OUR TEAM. I WAS GOING TO BUY A FATHEAD OF YOU. MOZ, PAY HIM WHAT HE WANTS!!!

Albert, I wish I knew how to quit you.

Shit Storm initiate

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Oh man. Ouch. Icehouse is... over this week.

"Wassup baby, wanna see my title belt?"

Ho shit. WEEKEND.

BOUT. FUCKING. TIME. So let's just get down to it.

First of all, this video combines three things Icehouse likes: Skiing, Manu Chao, and pain.

Miles Breaks His Face from UnofficialNetworks.com on Vimeo.

In the words of Lattimer: PPGF


Here we have a crazy downhill mountain bike course in Brazil, and the inevitable epic crash. That's a whole lot of damage done to his bike.


Hypnosis, breakdancing, fat guy striptease, and a double off-the-top-turnbuckle finisher. It's perfect.


More wrasslin'? You bet. Believe it or not, Icehouse has actually been to this very arena.


You gotta do something to entertain yourselves when you live in Kansas. Make the most of it Jayhawks. How's that home winning streak going? HARHARHARHARHAR.


Good work everybody. Now go get your swag on.

Political Pundits MLB power poll

The MLB season is quickly approaching, and we've asked some of our fine colleagues in the world of pundintry to give us their predictions on the upcoming season.

First up, Reality TV star Fox News analyst Sarah Palin!!! TM

Sarah: Well I just want to thank everyone here at GRH for allowing me to talk about our National pastime. I think Baseball is great because it's so American and I think the values that you see represented by this fine sport are traditional American Values that we really need to examine, and I think we as a country need to strive for them. As you know I was quite the athlete in high school and much like other Americans some of my self worth comes from how I competed in high school athletics. Soo hahahaha I know a thing or two about hitting a touchdown.

Top 3

1. New York Yankees: The Yankees are whats truly great about this country, they aren't limited by a big league office and they are allowed to really use american capitalism to outspend innovate against other teams. I also really identify with A-Rod, and the troubles he's faced with the paparazzi and the "gotcha" journalism we see so much from the far left. Even though gotcha journalism is a representation of what you actually know or do, I think he can really overcome his obstacles and "go rouge" (on sale at your local book stores)

2. Oakland A's: The A's are the quintessential American team, It's a small business in a small market, and they use that good ole American ingenuity to field a competitive team every year. They haven't won any championships yet, but I'm sure they have a chance this year.

3. Texas Rangers: You know, our former President George W. Bush used to own this team, and I know during his time there they were considred one of the worst teams in professional baseball, by the LIBERAL MEDIA. However, I think their recent success is an example of the ground work he paved for success.

Bottom 3

1. Chicago White Sox: As you know our current President, Obama, is a fan of this team, and I think his fandom is fake. He's just really really fake. It's all rhetoric. Socialism.

2. You know, this arbitrary preview is really distracting me from improving my image The American People. I quit.

Next Up, Glenn Beck, Fox News. Take it away Glenn!!!

/Dons cape and wizard staff
Glenn: America, we should be worried. Very worried. Socialist-Facist-Nazi-Marxist-Maoist-Globalist-Stalinist-Pol Potist-Pagans are INFILTRATING, the thing we hold dear, the thing every true American holds dear. Baseball. Let me just give you a quick lesson.

(Explained Via Chalk Board)

Top 3
1. St. Louis Cardinals: Tony LaRussa and Albert Pujols were kind enough to attend my Rally to Restore Honor. And that's the key word. HONOR. We've lost it folks, we've lost our HONOR. These fine men, took time out of their season to talk to Americans about....Faith. Hmmmm I wonder who else had faith? Oh, haha, that's right. JESUS!!!

2. Los Angles Angels of Anaheim: America, I was talking to a small boy the other day. and he was saving up money, he /chokes up he was saving pennies, nickels, and small change. For a Gift. A gift for America. He said he wanted everyone in America to have a guardian Angel on their shoulder. I said I wouldn't cry, but you know who else likes Angels? GOD!!!

3. Washington Nationals: Washington, I bet you are surprised that I would pick a team from our nation's capital. But let's look at the meaning of the team. The Nationals, a pride in OUR NATION, a team that represents all of our greatest ideas. You know, they also have mascots, charicatures of individuals. Individuals who would change the course of our great nation, and set the course of the greatest civilization the world has ever seen. Who are those mascots? THE FOUNDING FATHERS!!!

Bottom 3

1. Los Angles Dodgers: The Dodgers have a certain player on their team, and you won't hear this from the clueless mainstream media. His name is Dioner Navarro, from Venezuela, home of the known Socialist HUGO CHAVEZ. /throws magnets on chalk board. Now I did a little research on Navarro. And a little something stuck out to me, hmmm what was that. Ahhh Here it is a . six six six career OPS. Hmmm where have I heard that number before. Oh, haha that's right THE NUMBER OF THE BEAST, AKA THE DEVIL. Now, who else in history was a fan of the beast. That's right. THE NAZIS AND HITLER!!!

2. Seattle Mariners: I did a little research on this team, and I advise you to do this yourself. Don't believe me, EDUCATE yourself. But the Mariners, a seemingly simple name honoring our nations fine....Mariners. People who worked hard, searching for the bounty of the sea to feed our nation. However, recently this industry is struggling. Recently, China has become the largest national fishery accounting for over 49 million tons of fish and aquatic life PER YEAR. PER YEAR. Now, that seems somewhat of a coincidence. UNTIL you look at this article from MLB.com In 2007. The headline reads. "Mariners sign two Chinese players to Minor League contracts" THE SEATTLE MARINERS HIRE CHINESE WORKERS FOR OUR NATIONAL PASTIME!!!. I wonder who else wanted Chinese workers to take over the world economy? Ah yes, our good friend MAO TSE TUNG!!!

3. Chicago Cubs: Initially when you look at the Cubs, you instantly know about the Daly's and the corrupt Chicago politics. However let me point you to a player on that team. Bobby Scales, who currently resides in Chicago. however let's examine where he went to school? Hmmmm University of Michigan, the same alma mater as THE WEATHER UNDERGROUND'S BILL AYERS, WHO ALSO CURRENTLY RESIDES IN CHICAGO AND IS BEST FRIENDS WITH BARACK OBAMA!!! We simply cannot trust the Cubs.

4. Cincinatti Reds: Red. Color of Communism. Stalin!!!

5. Houston Astros: Astro. Star Logo. Zodiac. Astrology. PAGANS!!!

6. San Francisco Giants: Lincecum. Pot. Giants. BIG GOVERNMENT!!!

7. Kansas City Royals: Royals. Kings. Queens. EUROPEAN STYLE OF GOVERNMENT!!!

8. Sand Diego Padres: Don't you mean the fathers? WE SPEAK ENGLISH IN THIS COUNTRY!!!

Ok, that's enough Glenn. Next we ha....

Sarah Palin TM: Oh I'm back now.

2. Toronto Blue Jays: As you know the Blue Jays are located in Canada and I simply do not think their universal socialist healthcare system can handle all the injuries during the 162 game season.

3. Baltimore Orioles: The Orioles haven't won anything in years yet they stay afloat. Why? Well they get all the big MLB handouts with the revenue sharing. They simply sit back and don't try to innovate or create any jobs. I talk all about this in my book "America by Heart." But I don't want to get caught up in the typical Washington politics I'd rather go back to Alaska, but I'll probably be back.

Thanks, Sarah. Next we have MSNBC's Rachel Maddow.

Rachel: Thank you, Lattimer, is that your name, Lattimer? I typically don't get into the sporting events typically witnessed by millions of Americans. I typically resign to reading various topics of political theory and discussing it with other intellectuals during the course of free time. I find that examining the writings of Alexis de Tocqueville or clicking through the CIA fact book can be rather relaxing on those nights where I simply need to let my brain settle by reading topics on the lower level of my own Flesch Kincaid scale of readability.

/Smirk

To use the vernacular, I was what was known as a "Jock" in my formative education years, however I have simply lost interest in my athletic endevours, unless they obviously spill over into my world of political theory. As a result of my apparent ignorance on this topic, I've decided to ask a few of my colleagues to assist me in this endevour of ranking Baseballing teams.

Top 3

On next is a former guest of my show, Zack Stovall.


Mr. Stovall, Could you perhaps give me an indication as to who you expect to do well in this upcoming season of the major league organization.

Zack Stovall: Well Rachel, I like the Cardinals, I really do, they need to sign Pujols BECAUSE HE'S THE BEST PLAYER IN THE WORLD. but I'm also worried, because they let go of a personal favorite, The Boog.

Rachel: The Boog?

Zack Stovall: Yes, the Boog, I'm all about the Boog. I love the Boog, need the Boog. I defended the Boog when he put up a rare .740 OPS in 09 and still defended him when
he put up a .573 OPS in 2010 and a BA of .223 with 17 errors, even though his only job was to be awesome in the field and have respectable plate appearances.

Rachel: I see, well how did this Boog vote on the health care bill?

Zack: Well, see the thing is we're not actually sure if he can read, it's not confirmed.

Rachel: I see, so a typical American who does not enjoy the fine writings of Emberto Eco, or James Joyce. Although I am not surprised, so typical of the modern American.

2. Boston Red Sox I decided to broaden my intellectual horizons and embark on this task of ranking professional baseballing teams. And it seems that other fine intellectuals have given their loyalty to this organization. The loyalty, or more specifically this mendacious loyalty, is almost chic, or dare I say hip among other educated learners. It seems that the success of this team may serve as an icebreaker when discussing Machiavellian Politics in late 19th century America.

3. Oakland A's: Being raised in Castro Valley California, I assume it's only proper to root for the local team. I find it somewhat endearing to root for the team which is closest to the city in which you were reared.

Bottom 3

1. New York Yankees. Heh
/Smirk

Well I think we all know about the Yankees.

2. Cleaveland Indians/Atlanta Braves: I find it disheartening that we are still objectifying Native Americans through sports mascots.

3. Pittsburgh Pirates: I have researched their record over the past decade, and it seems only logical to place them in the bottom three teams.

Finally, we have MSNBC's Al Gore's station's Keith Olbermann.

Keith: /Stares into camera 2

As you know, I spent a good deal of time at one of the largest sports media organization ESPN. This, America, means that I know everything. Worse yet, I know I know everything which undoubtedly means I am always right and everyone else is wrong. It is the way of the world. Furthermore, I speak for America. Because I do know all things.

/stares into camera 3

The worst teams in the world.

1. Glenn Beck: I saw the other day on this blog that my "ESTEEEEEEEMED" counterpart Mr. Beck placed the St. Louis Cardinals as one of your top 3 teams. Well, SIIIRRRRR, I think you have once again misled the American people!!! Do you not remember the Tea Baggers, the scum of this great nation, shouting racial epithets and waving guns in front of Children. CHILDREN. You Sirrrrrrrrrr have seem to forgotten the large faction from the Gateway city, the violence and HATE they have SPEWED across our political landscape. YOU SIRRRRRRR are an insult /removes glasses to all Americans everywhere. FURTHERMORE, the Cardinals two prominant figure mr. LaRussa and Mr. Pujols decided to speak at GLENN BECK'S political rally during a trip to Washington. Well YOU SIRRRRRRRS have an obligation to your club, AND YOU have decided that political agenda is more important than the success of your STORIED BALL club, I say the entire organization needs to reevaluate their PRIORITIES.

/Replaces Glasses
2. Glenn Beck: I see the certifiably insane Beck has also chosen to support the Angels of Aneheim. May I remind you SIRRRRRRRR that our founding fathers supported a separation of church and state. Sounds like SOMMMMMMONE needs to read their history books.

3. Washington Nationals: It's laughable that anyone would think the Nationals could actually compete. With the republicans in power Washington is doomed to fail. As a people we asked for change.
/Dramatic pause
THIS is not change. Washington will still suck.

Less worst Teams.

1. Los Angeles Dodgers: Fox News bloviart, Glenn Beck, has selected the Dodgers as a bottom 3 team. I wonder if the large latino population that supports the Nation's finest team has anything to do with Mr. Beck's decision. Perhaps you SIRRRRRRRR should reevaluate your ranking criteria, and your SOUL!!!

2. Seattle Mariners: Obviously overlooking the rich history of the Mariners Mr. Beck has failed to recognize the potential of this club. The signings of Japanese players such as Ichiro and Johjima (ed note: Johjima no longer with team, killed me in fantasy) clearly represents the innovation THAT YOU SIRRRRRRRRR DESIRE, the same innovation WE ALL DESIRE.

3. Chicago Cubs: Glenn Beck has decided to riducule the quintessential American team. A team that has struggled recently, much like our great nation.

/removes glasses

You SIRRRRRRR DARE TO DEVALUE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. YOU SIRRRRRRR DARE TO STEP ON OUR VALUES AND MORALS. YOU SIRRRRRRRRRRR DARE TO CONVINCE PEOPLE TO BELIEVE THAT THE CUBS WILL NEVER WIN THE WORLD SERIES IN OUR LIFETIME.

/rubs eyes
//fake emotion

You SIRRRRRRR dare to step on our dream with your perverted interpretation of our country, you DARE to step on our dreams.

(but keep it up because I need material)

H/T John Stewart.

Alright, thanks everyone. Pitchers and catchers on the 14th Enjoy the season.

In case anyone was wondering...

Kobe did have a tight-ass mini-fro for a little bit there.

via NBA Offseason

WORST. TEAM. EVER.

This was one of the best teams last year.


This is the worst team in the history of professional basketball.


So this may be the ultimate rubbing-salty-feces-into-open-wound move, but the more the current Cleveland Cavaliers suck, the better LeBron James looks.

The team is largely the same, minus LeBron, two worthless old behemoths, and a motherfucker.

I really don't care about any other argument. Playing on that team must have sucked total balls. If there were any hope for the Cavs to win, LeBron could have convinced Danny Ferry and Dan Gilbert to get Bosh and/or Wade and/or Amare to come to Cleveland. Wade's team was really bad last year. Bosh's was worse. LeBron's was officially the worst.

You see, Danny Ferry is a racist Duke grad, and Dan Gilbert writes memos in crayon. The only thing LeBron did wrong was not re-light the Cuyahoga river on fire again.

Finally, AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU HAVE THE WORST TEAM EVER HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA.

Monday Morning Sh*t Storm!

So the Super Bowl happened and it was a really good game. You had a big lead, some key injuries, dropped passes, a comeback, intrigue, guts, all that crap. It was good stuff.

But of course, this isn't what you're lead to believe you need to be talking about today.

Did you HEAR Christina Aguilera's butchering of the National Anthem? That Vader commercial I saw online last week was UPROARIOUS! THAT MOVIE LOOKS PRETTY OKAY! I didn't know the Black Eyed Peas could sing and dance?! THAT WAS PRETTY OKAY TOO!

The Super Bowl is remarkable in that if there weren't a football game going on, you'd still get about half the viewing audience. People who don't care about football - AND THERE ARE SEVERAL - still watch it, and tell the same tired "Why is this football game getting in the way of my commercials? Oh, Carol in the office and I are JUST A HOOT! WE SAID THAT LIKE EIGHT TIMES THIS WEEK IN THE OFFICE! YEAH, CAROL WORKS WITH ME!"

So this is a free range poopscapade today: Best/Most Agreeable Football Distraction, Worst/Least Agreeable Football Distraction, best off the field moment, worst off the field moment, etc. etc. Basically, what was your least or most favorite part of yesterday other than the football.

Because if you're reading this website, I likely already know what you thought of the game, as most of it is due to empirical facts, like completion percentages and turnover margins.

Mine? This joke: "Brett Favre's penis is rolling over in its cave right now." Thank you, Fabrice Fabrice.

Silver Medal: Casey Matthews having a Championship Belt made for Rodgers before the game. Most would've called that a jinx.

Bronze Medal: People flipping out about the Kardashian Sketchers ShapeUps commercial. I say "people" but I mean the uberconservative Bible Belt types I grew up with and have somehow become Facebook friends with. To them I say HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Shit storm! Commence!

Friday afternoon Fun Bag!!!!

Don't ever change Alabama, don't you ever change.

Icehouse is out of town probably having fun doing fun things. Me? I like to play it cool. No literally, there are sheets of ice surrounding the Lattimer compound.

As you know, GRH is a fan of winter sports, but we've been a little light on snowboarding.

Say what you want about NY fans, but they got this one exactly right. Honestly, do you think Michael got a movie after 2 years on the charts. Fuck and No.


You know it kind of makes me upset that weathermen get so excited over weather when the rest of us are still digging out of this mess, but I guess they get to have their fun too. Here's some weather porn.


We see you Dwight


I've said this a hundred times, but unless you are Redskin scum, it is impossible to hate the current Philadelphia Eagles.


It's Super Bowl weekend, and this could possibly be the greatest match up of douchey fan bases we have ever seen. It's a tough call, but if the Packers win they will affect me less. I'm going with them.


Be safe and enjoy the game.