John Calipari killed a guy

Not really. He was just coaching the Dominican Republic National Basketball team yesterday, and this ended up happening. Remember Edgar Sosa, who used to play for Louisville? Well, don't worry. You'll likely never hear of him every again after this injury.

OH MY GOD LOOK AT HIS LEG!

Furthermore, is there anyone more fitting than Calipari to be wearing a Panama hat, puffing on a fine cigar, wearing an unbuttoned Guayabera with little beads of sweat on his forehead?

Besides me, of course.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Swag.


Not so much.


Back to swag.


OK. I'm doing this fun bag because all of these goddamn videos are making my browser crash. WOOO. WEEKEND. FOOTBALL IS BACK IN TWO WEEKS.

If you gotta drink beer, drink it for a good cause.


Skipping rope is great exercise.

Skipping in Slow Motion. In a Bikini... alternate music from photography-factory.co.uk on Vimeo.

I have no idea why, but this commercial has made me laugh five different times.


IMPORTANT:


I know this is a joke, but 99% of Longhorns fans would be totally ok with any of these promos.


And now, three and a half minutes of pain.


Have fun this weekend. Case McCoy's ready to party (orange hat).

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

JaVale McGee loves planking.

OK. Ok. We haven't had a fun bag in some time. It's ok though. We're doing fine. We've just, you know, had better stuff to do than post days-old videos of stuff. The Internet works at lightspeed, people. Posting a weekly recap is like writing an obituary nowadays.

But whatever. It's still fun.

For instance, here's a girl eating it on a bike.


I remember when this happened. Someone posted it on twitter today, which brought me back to the good times of when Stromile Swift was doing this instead of stalking chicks.


Heath Bell grew up watching Angels in the Outfield.


And that's all I got. Except for another JaVale planking picture.

God help me, I think they're hilarious.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Oh man. Ouch. Icehouse is... over this week.

"Wassup baby, wanna see my title belt?"

Ho shit. WEEKEND.

BOUT. FUCKING. TIME. So let's just get down to it.

First of all, this video combines three things Icehouse likes: Skiing, Manu Chao, and pain.

Miles Breaks His Face from UnofficialNetworks.com on Vimeo.

In the words of Lattimer: PPGF


Here we have a crazy downhill mountain bike course in Brazil, and the inevitable epic crash. That's a whole lot of damage done to his bike.


Hypnosis, breakdancing, fat guy striptease, and a double off-the-top-turnbuckle finisher. It's perfect.


More wrasslin'? You bet. Believe it or not, Icehouse has actually been to this very arena.


You gotta do something to entertain yourselves when you live in Kansas. Make the most of it Jayhawks. How's that home winning streak going? HARHARHARHARHAR.


Good work everybody. Now go get your swag on.

English Keeper Robert Green Lasered Into Several Pieces by Time Traveling Vigilante

CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA - Robert Green, a goal keeper for the English World Cup Team, has been shot with a high-powered laser beam by a time traveling vigilante known only as McTred, leaving Green in several separate pieces of charred flesh and ash.

"You know how in those American films Terminator and Back to the Future[Part II], people are always going back in time to fix some sort of catastrophe in the future?" explained English midfielder Shaun Wright-Phillips. "This chap comes runnin' out of a inter-dimensional vortex, and wham-o. There goes Greenie. Must've done something real bad."

Green will therefore be unavailable for the match against Team USA, scheduled for Saturday, as being the only player to use his hands, he has none left.

English Defender Ledley King Impaled By Shards of Broken Glass After Running with Boxful of Broken Glass

CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA - English defender Ledley King was tragically impaled by thousands of shards of broken glass of varying sizes and girth after picking up a large and cumbersome box that was heavily filled to the brim with the aforementioned, already broken pieces of glass.

"Led's one of the fastest, hardest-working guys on the whole squad," said English midfielder Shaun Wright-Phillips. "When he saw that big cardboard box that had 'BROKN GLASS' on it in the middle of our practice facility, he went right for it, tried to move as quickly as possible. Then he tripped over his own left foot and, oh my, what a mess."

This makes King ineligible for the match against the United States on Saturday, as he'll be undergoing a week-long, extremely painful glass removal surgery, as soon as proper recycling authorities are found to take the glass afterward.

English Midfielder James Milner Accidentally Stabs Self In Anus With Lawn Dart

CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA - James Milner, midfielder for Team England in this year's World Cup, accidentally stabbed himself in the anus while attempting an ill-planned maneuver during a friendly game of lawn darts with his fellow squad mates.

"Well, you know how sometimes footy players will try and do a front-handspring, but where they use that momentum to throw the ball really far?" explained fellow midfielder Shaun Wright-Phillips. "He tried to do that, but with a lawn dart instead, and failed epically, the end result being a lawn dart up my mate's rear."

Milner will therefore be unavailable for the World Cup match against the United States, as game time will be at or near the gauze will be carefully detached from the wound, as they have already begun to become grafted to the still-healing skin in and around the anus.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Boris is ready to party.

Because when you're a fat, lazy Frenchman, you may as well go shirtless, too.

This week has sucked royally. All freaking week I've been looking forward to today. And it's finally here. WOOOOOOO!

First up, we have something to fulfill everyone's aquatic bloodlust.


Next up, some innovative hicktards go waterskiing.


Moving on, if you don't like Commando, you can go get fucked. Commando rap, go!


The title to this video is quite misleading, since nobody dies, but it's still pretty fucking awesome.


And finally, although it's old, I find it hilarious. From the inimitable Uproxx, we have the 20 best 5-second movies.


Yes. YES. Dallas holds St. Patrick's day tomorrow, so I'm ready to get funky. See y'all next week.

And Lattimer will be sending out invites to our NCAA Brackets soon, so stay tuned.

OMG! NON-FUNK!

If flying LeBron oops aren't getting you excited today, I present you this. It's the simple things in life, y'all. No need for anything other than a pedestrian flying through the air, only to whang his grill on the cup. I somehow knew that even the timeouts of the Blazers/Grizz game were going to be awesome.

(via slamonline)

Romo Indicted On Child Porn, Given Nobel Prize, Shot For Stealing Bread This Morning

ARLINGTON, Tex. -- Much-ballyhooed and oft-beguiled Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo was indicted on federal child pornography charges shortly before he was notified that he would receive a Nobel Peace Prize in Stockholm, but not before he turned back to his villainous ways and was shot on sight for attempting to steal a loaf of bread.

This turn of events -- all within two hours this morning -- is just another, and apparently final, chapter in the love-hate roller coaster relationship that the now-deceased NFL superstar...schmuck player had in his four short years as a starter.

"Romo is the best guy on the face of this planet," said ESPN sportscaster Chris Berman. "But frankly, if I saw that guy on the street, I'd stomp on his chest until I found concrete."

"This guy is lower than the whale crap on the bottom of the ocean, but if he'd like to come into my home and plow my daughter, he's more than welcome."

Federal agents have been planning to pin Romo for no less than 1,000 hours of graphic child pornography on his personal computer. The sting happened to occur on the same day the Nobel Peace Prize committee acknowledged Romo's work in the field of charitable donations, which has lifted no less than four small countries out of the ranks of the third world tier.

"Tony Romo got what was coming to him; three bullets in the back," said NFL Live analyst Merril Hoge. "I just wish it would have been socially acceptable to kiss him on the mouth. I would have done it twice."

Romo was justifiably killed in a local Kroger's after he attempted to steal four loaves of bread for a cocktail party he was going to hold for a celebration for his Nobel Prize.

ESPN anchor Scott Van Pelt also had kind words for Romo, only to take back those words, while admitting those kind words were supposed to be perceived as originally intended.

"He was a beautiful man. A beautiful man whose spinal cord I would want to wear like Mr. T wears gold chains," said Van Pelt. "But I'm naming my first-born son Tonyromo, all one word. Tonyromo Van Pelt."

Funeral arrangements will be held next week in which Romo's body will be on display for the expected thousands of mourners will show their love for the lost legend, before Dallas Waste Management throws his limp carcass into the nearest available mass grave.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Yeeeeuh. Yeeeeuh. Time to get down.

Waitwaitwait. I'm not done just yet. It's sexy time.

Three whole days to fall off the wagon. YES!

Auto Tuning the news is funny. It took them Mike Vick to finally talk about sports.


Fabricio Oberto has the best twitter feed in the world. This came from it.


Keith Closs was a cheesedick on the turn-of-the-century Clippers. So somebody wrecked his ass.


Holy shit is this nasty.


Drunk monkeys. Do I need to say more?


Yes. Labor Day. Let's all thank our unions and go celebrate a communist holiday by getting loaded.

Retired QB Trent Green Walks Away From Fiery, 32 Vehicle Pile-Up Unscathed

KIRKWOOD, Missouri -- Recently retired quarterback Trent Green, whose career was nearly ended twice due to stomach-turning concussions before another finally ended it in Miami, survived a fiery and violent 32-car pile up on I-55 Wednesday, after his motorcycle rear-ended a lumber trailer causing it to spin out of control, taking a number of surrounding and following cars down with it.

The oft-injured Green, who was not wearing a helmet at the time, walked away from the incident nearly unscathed, favoring only his left pinky fingernail.

"I think I skinned it a bit," said Green, squinting at the digit. "I dunno, I can't tell. What do you think?"

The crash killed as many as 56 people, and coroners are still sifting through the liquefied, charred, and scattered remains in the somewhat hopeless attempt to discern one body from another.

"Guess it's my lucky day," Green shrugged. "Then again, I've always been known as a pretty tough guy."

In other news, shortly after walking away from I-55, Green was found dead on the floor a local Schnuck's, after having been slipped up by banana peel in the produce section.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Jake Peavy says it's a Jager night. Sounds about right.

So after a brief hiatus, the fun bag is back! Woo!

Without further ado, let's get to the fun. First and foremost. Via Brian, we have Chuck Norris fighting Bruce Lee, while a Kitten looks on.


As if that wasn't righteous enough, here's some fun with cars gone wrong.


The first thing I ever youtubed was the video for All the Things She Said by T.a.T.u. It was the only thing I wanted to see. Since embedding that video has been disabled, we get the techno remix. It's pretty good.


San Jose Sharks fans are pathetic. San Jose Sharks fans that cry? Now that's keyboard cat worthy.


Cleveland's biggest resident recently challenged this guy, B. Manley, to H.O.R.S.E. for $1,000. It's on now.


Yes. Let's all go get heat stroke, y'all.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

YEEHAW! Bringin' some Texas flavor to the Alps! WOOOOOOO!

It's on now. A four-day week is in the books. Now it's time to do some damage.

First things first. Damage.


Aaaaaaaaaand. More Damage! Yes! The underdog wins! Then inevitably loses.


I would just like to say that I love Amar'e Stoudemire, so even banal and unfunny conversations like this amuse me.


Sam Jackson and hockey didn't make sense to me when I first heard about this, but anything involving Jules Winnfield is good.


Finally, a wonderful, wonderful song.


Okeysillydillyokey-o.

Rocknroll.

Olympic Discus Tossers Blame, Pummel Those Associated with 'Ultimate,' 'Frolf'

MADISON, Wis. — The International Association of Discus Tossers has forgone levying a formal complaint with the IOC and gone straight to fist-fighting members of any associations or groups that participate in 'Ultimate Frisbee' or 'Frolf,' also known as 'Frisbee Golf.'

"I've had it up to here (lifts arm to swollen, muscular shoulder but no further) with these hippy, college punks tossing their little Frisbees hither and thither, all willy nilly," said Unger Rwowski, spokesman for the IADT as well a silver medal finalist in the '96 Atlanta games.

"It's bad enough that they don't spin around and around before they chuck," said Rwowski. "It's disgraceful and we're putting an end to it now."

Rwowski said he wouldn't comment further on the IADT's strategy while targeting the mostly college-age players of the Frisbee recreational sport, but a big bulletin board behind him spelled out the organization's plan in an all capital-letter, misspelled and three step plan:

1. FIND HIPPEEZ, DOOSHBAGS, POSERS ET AL
2. BEAT UP HIPPEEZ, MAKIN SHURE U SPIN FIST ROUND AND AROUND BEFOR PUNCHNG
3. TAKE HIPPEES GURLfriENS AND THROW STUFF

Local college campuses everywhere are taking added precautions to insuring the discus tossers are kept off of campus grasses at all times, while security is having a tough time watching the Frisbee games, as they are often spontaneous and prone to avoiding authority types.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Not an athlete nor drunk, but whatever.

Could be drunk.

Anyways, this was the longest week in the world, and now I'm rewarded with a weekend full of bullshit rain. Thank God all I have to do is stay inside and do nothing but watch hoops. That'll be sweet.

Ever wonder how Chris Bosh got ready for the Olympics? Wonder no more.


Wire Elitism. To the max.


I still find it impressive that Willis McGahee still gets paid to play sports.


This guy shows you how to paint, exercise, and blend drinks, all at the same time. Apparently, it's exactly how you imagine it.


And yes, it's getting warmer.


Ok. NBA playoffs. Let's do this.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Matthew Stafford: Drunk and gay.

Yes! Friday!

It's sunny, warm, and time to fiesta, right? Right? You know it is.

So first and foremost, we've kind of had a Shaq-a-palooza recently. I can't really help myself. If he was less enigmatic, we wouldn't do it. Case in point, how many times have we featured Zydrunas Ilgauskas? Exactly.


So anyways, since it's Friday, and therefore time to party, I think it's time we show what can only be described as one hell of a party where none of the guests have that good of a reason to be hanging out together. All I know is if you show up to a party and Russell Simmons is at the door, it's your lucky night.


On second thought, Garnett is a huge soccer fan. Maybe him and Beckham actually do hang out together and do silly shit like this all day.


Ok, so dodgeball is fun. Dodgeball with different-sized balls is really fun. Dodgeball with different-sized balls and different-sized people? I don't think I need to explain.


And finally, Andy Kaufman, Jerry "The King" Lawler, and David Letterman. It doesn't get much better in the realm of formulas for funny.


Let's get it, y'all. Let's get it done.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

GO PACK! When I think of oil addiction and neofascism, I think of Georgia.

Yes. The sun is shining, the temperature is warming up. Things are looking good.

To kick things off, I'd just like to say that while we hate ESPN here, due to their monopoly, there's really not a whole lot we can do about it, but keep watching. Shitty. But Ray Romano and Tim Meadows can lampoon those assholes!

RAY ROMANO SPORTSCENTER LONG @ Yahoo! Video

After years of research, I think I've settled on a decision. Not only is Jordan brand the shiznit as far as apparel is concerned, but I think that I love their commercials the most also.


And now, for the HOUSE OF PAIN! Below are some pretty painful videos, a little mini-theme to get us all sorts of jacked up for the weekend.

First, shit went bad in Alabama. From what I've heard, a harmless, no blood foul set this off. Meaning, either there was some bad blood before, or there was some serious merit to Chris Rock's warning of "you don't want to spend the rest of your life in jail because somebody smudged your Puma."


We can't talk about pain without including Joe Theismann and LT.


Finally, a montage of hilarity. Well, pain and hilarity.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

This is the face most people make when their careers go into the shitter. Although if you ask me, Admiral Benson's career was probably 4 or 5 years too long. He'll enjoy crashing on Chris Simms' couch.

Labor Day weekend. A time when America celebrates the hard-fought victories of the bourgeoisie and makes a weekend 50% longer in an homage to our socialist roots. Right? Right?

Anyways, I've been waiting for this week to get over for some time now. Like, since Monday.

As far as the biggest news this week, it's all been in the political realm. I was going to have something about the Montana governor's sweet bolo collection, but in light of extremely recent news, I've decided to point out that America finally has a doable Vice Presidential Candidate.

Furthermore, not sure what this has to do with anything, but Capoeira fighting is pretty awesome, right up until the "fighting" part. Lesson learned, hippie.

Speaking of topics with international ramifications. This is what happens when throw candy at children in Baghdad. Keep it strictly pimpin, hoss.

We haven't been talking enough about the NFL in my mind, but for those fans out there, trust me: We'll make sure to report anything as long as it is batshit crazy.

And finally, it's been a long time coming, but I've finally decided to post Tanner Hall's gut-wrenching crash at Chad's Gap. Don't worry fellas, he's still skiing.

Well, I'm looking forward to being sunburnt to shit for a four-day workweek. Have fun and be safe this weekend, y'all.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

America has been good to Big Papi.

Comingtoyaaaahaaaa!

It's been a good week. Let's have a round of applause for the team here. As of this week, all contributors have contributed. That's fucking progress.

Not only do I love watching all of the Women's events in the olympics, our Commander-in-Chief does too. USA! USA! USA!

If you haven't seen it, you've probably heard of it. Here is Janos Baranyai's weightlifting injury, in all of its horrific glory.

The Onion is always a solid source for humor, but sometimes they strike gold twice in one week.

I was ok with the Celtics winning one championship, but now it looks like we'll have to let them win two.

That's all for this week. Alls I know is that USA Men's Basketball has a date tomorrow night at 11 pm. Rematch vs. Spain for the Gold Medal. I, of course, will be in my USA 'Melo jersey.