Champion's League Funzone!

SOOOOooooo today begins the second leg of the quarterfinals. Last week, Rooney scored the only goal in Manchester 1-0 Chelsea. Chelsea can advance, they'll just need to score 2 and keep Man U out of their net. This will be quite difficult, however, as they are playing at Old Trafford and have Torres up front who totally sucks these days.

Elsewhere in the universe, Shakhtar Donetsk will continue to act like a lamb being sacrificed in reverence to FC Barcelona. Their pathetic offering will not slake Barca's bloodlust.

So anyway, watch the game today, use the comments as an open thread. WHEEEE.

WOO! FOOTBALL STARTS THIS WEEKEND!

Laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh. I totally fooled all of you.

But seriously, I am pretty excited about this. One of my favorite things to do is to wake up whenever I wake up on Saturdays, flip on the tube and PRESTO! A field. No commercials. A sport that is more interested in the process than the finality. It's wonderful for hangovers, or community service or any other reason you're awake before noon on Saturday.

ESPN2 will have the opening game of Manchester City v. Tottenham Hotspur at 7:45 am (EASTERN TIME! FUCK!) tomorrow. After that, American heroes Clint Dempsey (Fulham) and Tim Howard (Everton) will both be neglected by Fox Soccer Channel for Aston Villa v. West Ham United. Then at 12:30 pm everyone gets to see Chelsea against who cares.

Never fear, though. Liverpool and Arsenal break it down at 11 am on Sunday on Fox Soccer Channel. That's the barn burner.

So yeah. I'm pumped. It would be nice if you would be too. Let's see if we can ride the World Cup high and keep watching soccer. For fun, let's see in the comments section what you're excited to see this season. This post was all about the Premier League, but that doesn't mean that you can't say something about anything. Will Cristiano Ronaldo and Kaká ever find harmony together? Is Messi going to have an off year after a lackluster World Cup? Should we kill Peter Crouch and take Abbey Clancy?

WOOO! FRIDAY SOCCER SHIT STORM!

So you don't like soccer, huh?

Good. I'm glad. I'm glad that you perpetuate the myth that Americans are introverted. Shit, only twenty percent of us have passports. Fuck the rest of the world, right? You can get all the culture you need in Goodland, Kansas.

I'm glad you were watching American Idol. I'm glad you think that Nascar is cool.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I know you're alright. I know you guys are cool. Heck, the game versus Algeria was the most watched soccer game in ESPN history. Pretty awesome.

We're getting there, everybody. Soccer is finally becoming mainstream. The MLS will perpetually be awful, but what the hell. Our guys are doing pretty well in the big leagues, and the world no longer looks forward to playing us.

AMERICEY IS WATCHING!... ANYBODY NOT WANNA GO?!

Video at the top via White Yao.

English Defender Ledley King Impaled By Shards of Broken Glass After Running with Boxful of Broken Glass

CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA - English defender Ledley King was tragically impaled by thousands of shards of broken glass of varying sizes and girth after picking up a large and cumbersome box that was heavily filled to the brim with the aforementioned, already broken pieces of glass.

"Led's one of the fastest, hardest-working guys on the whole squad," said English midfielder Shaun Wright-Phillips. "When he saw that big cardboard box that had 'BROKN GLASS' on it in the middle of our practice facility, he went right for it, tried to move as quickly as possible. Then he tripped over his own left foot and, oh my, what a mess."

This makes King ineligible for the match against the United States on Saturday, as he'll be undergoing a week-long, extremely painful glass removal surgery, as soon as proper recycling authorities are found to take the glass afterward.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Manute Bol is ready for the Kentucky Derby. Are YOU?!

Personally, I'm not. It's NASCAR Unplugged. And it only lasts two minutes. I can youtube that shit, if I wanted to. Not to take away from the pageantry, or the drunkenness or dressing up like dandy or whatever the fuck it is that's so special about it.

Anyway.

WOOO! FRIDAY! BITCHIN!

First up, from Lattimer, we have Bill Walton being Bill Walton.


Next, we have Bango the Milwaukee Bucks mascot showing up every mascot out there. As this video and the next one show, Bango is pretty bodacious.


Moving on, now we have Bango again, kicking the shit out of Hawks fans. I always thought "Fear the Deer" was a pretty 'tarded catchphrase. Now I know that it's savvy advice.


Next up, Travis Pastrana does a back flip in a video that starts inexplicably with some fireworks. Hey, he knows how to grab my attention.


Lesson learned: Win the game first, celebrate second.


And finally, a gangster-ass soccer celebration.


That's all for this week, sluts. Enjoy your mint juleps.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Brograbs!

It's mathematically possible for the Rangers to win the AL West. Not realistic, but mathematic.

Fucking right it's the weekend. This weeks has sucked like most cloudy weeks, but whatever, it's football time. We're gonna get drunk, we're gonna get laid, we're gonna win state, but not tonight.

Texas Tech plays Texas this weekend. Mike Leach, for all his grandeur, hates technology.


We had a better video of this, but it was taken down. Anyways, Manchester City's Emmanuel Adebayor scores a goal, runs the length of the field, then power/rock slides in front of Arsenal's (his former team's) fans. Nearly starts a riot.


Hilltoppers have a sense of humor, I'll give them that.


Two things perturbed me about this advert. 1) Keith Van Horn looks a LOT like Colt McCoy. 2) Keith Van Horn can dunk?


AAaaaaaand.... Because it's Bond.

GRH On Location: Mexico v. Haiti

They should have sent a poet. They sent Icehouse instead.

GRH On Location. Quarterfinals, Concacaf Gold Cup.

From my office, I have watched this damn thing be built. I’ve been dreaming about it for more than a year now. Opportunities have existed to go to it. Tours have been available. George Strait performed there. Heck, the Jonas Brothers have been in this stadium already. But like the Jonas Brothers, I wanted my first time to mean something. Something real.

Then comes the Concacaf Gold Cup. Two quarterfinals games to be played in Cowboys Stadium. I’m not going to lie here, the Gold Cup isn’t the best footy in the world. Any players that are on European club sides are nowhere to be found. What you end up with are bunch of dudes that are playing for both a bigger rep and national pride; two things that make for a slugfest.

That all pales in comparison to one fact: Cowboys Stadium is mankind’s greatest edifice. It is a palatial playground of kings. It is an offering to God, with a caveat. It says, ‘you may be the creator of all things natural, but THIS IS OURS.’

Going to soccer games, like every sporting event, are great communal activities, where you can join with your neighbors and scream your guts out. I don’t think I need to remind our readers that soccer isn’t the biggest sport in the United States. The MLS is a fledgling underleague, and Team USA, despite recent success, only drew around 30,000 to the Lincoln Financial Field in Philadelphia for their Saturday night victory. Mexico, on the other hand, loves them some fútbol. They always come out en masse. Check the tape of any recent Mexico v. USA game. Off the top of my head, games in Chicago, San Diego, Salt Lake and Houston all featured heavily Mexican fanbases. I would like to take this opportunity to point out that it is fucking pathetic when one nation’s fans show up more than the home nations. FIX YO FANDOM, AMERICA!

Having said that, the game on Sunday was in Texas, which was founded by Mexico, and was a veritable Mexican home game. HOLYSHIT. You like sports, motherfucker? Do you? Because you have to love the shit out of sport to go to Los Tri soccer game. This was my first international cap of any kind, though I did have the good fortune of falling in with the Deportivo Cruz Azul crowd back when the Icehouse was Casahielo and hung his hat down south.

Anyways, these cats love their country, and they love this sport. They were all abouts it. There were 82,252 in attendance for this event. That’s right. I said it. They came to rock, too. From my rough estimation, there were:
• 65.63% - Los Tri gear
• 34.35% - various Professional Mexican gear
• 00.02% - Cowboys gear (it’s a home game. Y’heard?)
• 1 pink polo, worn by Trae, my accomplice


One of the best parts about this crowd is that they love ‘The Wave.’ I love ‘the wave.’ It’s probably my favorite fan gathering phenomenon. They love it more than I do, possibly. There were people in my section that were actually cheering in anticipation of the ripple effect of standing and screaming arriving. Imagine a slow crescendo of “hey…hey…hey…Hey. Hey. Hey. HEYHEYHEY WOOOOOO!” It was fucking great.

As for the game itself, it was pretty great. The first goal came off of a rebound from a botched stutter-step of a PK.

Miguel Sabah charged and flushed.

The second goal came from one of Mexico’s youngsters. Giovani dos Santos turned with his left foot and drained one in the upper 90. It was fabulous. Sabah scored again with a flying header off of a corner in the second half. But then, in the 82nd minute, substitute Pablo Barrera blasted a one-timer off his right hoof into Haiti’s net for a righteous goal that sent me and the drunks around me into quite the tizzy.

At the 75th minute, I began to see paper airplanes rain down out of the upper deck. Then more. Then a whole lot more. Then more than paper airplanes than I thought were possible. This was also around the time that Trae bought a delicious cheese steak. The food and drink at Cowboys Stadium, while expensive yet on par with virtually every other pro arena, were righteous.

Leaving the stadium, there were carts selling wares that were more indicative of Mexico than Arlington, which just added to the flavor. Getting out was easy enough, but there seemed to be a large amount of people that seemed to be congregating at or near the underside of bridges. Trae referred to them as the ‘bridge and tunnel crowd.’ I guffawed heartily.

All in all, pretty successful. I loved every second of it. The next step is getting Stovall down here for the Texas A&M v. Arkansas game.

Caption Contest!

Jason Kidd: Hey, Steve! Can I go sit down? I don't like the way Thierry is looking at me.

or...

Steve Nash: Dang, Thierry. Just because French chicks don't shower doesn't mean you shouldn't either.

or...

A terryifying glimpse inside Mike D'Antoni's imagination.

So Jason Kidd, Steve Nash and Thierry Henry are playing soccer in a New York City playground. My captions are lame. Do better.

Confederations Cup Open Thread

Shit, Jesus is on their side? This is gonna be tricky.

The two most badass countries in the Western Hemisphere square off now in South Africa. It's one of the rare times where America is a true underdog. Brazil invented sexy football. I'm always excited to watch Dempsey, Onyewu, Howard, and the Beas. Heck, I'll even say I want Landycakes to have a good game. Unfortunately, they go up against Kaká, who makes me hold my breath every time the rock's at his feet. Plus his friends, and they're pretty good, too. That and they've got a nation full of oversexed gangsters and the hottest chicks in the world backing them up.

Ordem e Progreso v. E Pluribus Unum.

You should be watching. Drop a comment into the comments section, tell us what you think.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Matthew Stafford: Drunk and gay.

Yes! Friday!

It's sunny, warm, and time to fiesta, right? Right? You know it is.

So first and foremost, we've kind of had a Shaq-a-palooza recently. I can't really help myself. If he was less enigmatic, we wouldn't do it. Case in point, how many times have we featured Zydrunas Ilgauskas? Exactly.


So anyways, since it's Friday, and therefore time to party, I think it's time we show what can only be described as one hell of a party where none of the guests have that good of a reason to be hanging out together. All I know is if you show up to a party and Russell Simmons is at the door, it's your lucky night.


On second thought, Garnett is a huge soccer fan. Maybe him and Beckham actually do hang out together and do silly shit like this all day.


Ok, so dodgeball is fun. Dodgeball with different-sized balls is really fun. Dodgeball with different-sized balls and different-sized people? I don't think I need to explain.


And finally, Andy Kaufman, Jerry "The King" Lawler, and David Letterman. It doesn't get much better in the realm of formulas for funny.


Let's get it, y'all. Let's get it done.

Premier League Clubs Don't Know What A Recession Is

Europe's January transfer deadline passed a long time ago, and I'm mad late with this post. But, as always, I don't care.

If there's anything to be learned it's that the continent's top clubs care about the recession like Nate Robinson cares about tall peoples' feelings. But if the rest of Europe seemed simply to ignore the recession, English clubs spit in its eye, threw its laptop in the shower, and told everyone it was bad in bed. Spending no less than 160 million pounds, the '09 Premier League nearly doubled the previous transfer record. But, strangely, as far as big names go, the action was pretty practical and overall a little humdrum considering the grand total spent. But there were some interesting moves...

Most Predictable
The biggest and most expected deal was the arrival of Russian midfield dynamo Andrei Arshavin at Arsenal. The deal took FOREVER and was disputably finalized past the deadline, but it finally went through for about 17 million lbs. People have been talking about this deal since November, and Arshavin's move from Zenit St. Petersburg to a top-flight club in Western Europe has been inevitable since he turned heads in Euro '08. Arsenal could use his speed, skill on the ball, and passing ability, but mostly his aggression. Arsenal remind me alot of the Dallas Mavericks of the early '00s-- beautiful to watch on offense, soft and often calamitous on defense. The fact that they're missing Fabregas and Walcott makes this deal all the more essential, but if they wanna stop being the pretty-faced (I swear Arsene Wenger picks his players based on their facebook photos) waifs of the big four, they need to invest in some hard-nosed steel in the midfield and defense.

Wild Card
What I thought was one of the more left-field transfers of the mid-season was the pick-up of Ricardo Quaresma by Chelsea. Most didn't expect Chelsea to make any marquee moves at all (except perhaps for a new manager), even thought they're in the beginning stages of a late-season crisis. But that they picked up a player as notably flashy and dynamic as Quaresma, was especially intriguing. Essentially frozen out of the rotation by Jose Mourinho at Inter Milan, Quaresma was having a tough go in Italy, and Chelsea managed to swoop in relatively under-the-radar and procure him on loan. (Inter still owns the rights to him.) (By the way, the loan system is an amazingly practical aspect of the football transfer system; American sports should really try it.) Anyway, Ricardo's dope. He's got a style and swagger that you might describe as a bit, for lack of a less ethnographical term, 'hip-hop.' He's a bit inconsistent when it comes to results (i.e. goals assists), kind of like fellow Portuguesa Ronaldo back in the day, but he should add a spark of speed and ingenuity to a squad that often plays like a robot army. It'll be interesting to see how Quaresma gets utilized, particularly with the arrival of new coach Gus Hiddink, since the deal was made with former manager Scolari still in charge.

Most Immediately Effective
I like two transfers for this category. Both were fairly subtle; both involved forwards; and both have paid instant dividends in the form of goals. Aston Villa's procurement of veteran England striker Emile Heskey (from Wigan) and Everton's loan deal for Brazilian frontman Jo from Manchester City were as smart as they were slightly unexpected. Heskey has quietly proven himself over the course of his somewhat wandering career, to be as consistent a striker as any in England. A Strong target and clinical finisher, the forward was singled out by both Michael Owen and Wayne Rooney as far and away their favorite forward to play with on the national team squad, mainly because of his unselfishness approach to the game. His experience and willingness to share the ball should be a huge asset both in the development of his sparkling young strike partner Gabbie Agbonlahor and in helping Villa hold on to 3rd in the league table and a much coveted (much deserved) Champions League spot. Heskey proved the point in classic style when he scored in his debut match for Villa a few weeks ago.

Jo also scored twice in his debut for Everton last weekend, as they beat Bolton 3-0. The lanky Brazilian was having trouble getting into the flow of things at Manchester City and a loan to Everton will probably prove beneficial to both clubs, provided his good form and continued growth in confidence continue and Manchester City is able to bring him back after awhile. But, if he keeps this up, Everton will definitely seek to buy him permanently from the disgustingly rich Man Citizens when the summer rolls around. Jo looked exceedingly comfortable and fluid this past weekend and scored two silky goals in the second half that underscored the player's smooth style and real potential to become one of the EPL's biggest threats. Everton need him badly as three of their top-choice strikers-- Louis Saha, Yakubu, and James Vaughan-- are all currently out with injuries.

The truth of the matter the end of the season ss been shaping up to be a crazy one and would be even if no moves were made last month. But, the midseason re-shuffling always makes things more interesting. The biggest story of the season is Aston Villa crashing the big four party at the top of the table. Manchester City still has more money than the economic stimulus package, and Arsenal and Chelsea are most likely in serious trouble. My boys Man Utd. just keeps rollin.' I'm psyched.