Showing posts with label Emo Yao. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Emo Yao. Show all posts

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Caption Contest!

Three more photos! They're crazy!

Barkley: "Hey, glad you could make it. Did you have any trouble finding the place? Good. Do you need anything to drink? Are you comfortable? Great. Ok. Here's the deal. I have several fragrances here. Your job is to figure out which one I squirted where."


Yao: "Eee! Eeeheeheehee! It's ticklier than when Luis Scola used to do that!"


Hannah Storm: "It's OK Hakeem, the camera is only going to focus on the shoulders up, the folks at home won't be able to see that I'm grinding on you. Mmm, that feels nice, doesn't it? I know that you like it, Hakeem. You know, Jerry's my cameraman both on and off the court, if you get my drift."
Olajuwan: *thinking* "Quick, make up an excuse about Ramadan to get out of this. Bitch is crayzeeeeeee!

Ok. Kind of got some weird ones here. So uh... have at it. Seriously, whatever pops into your heads. Just go nuts.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Caption Contest!

Because of the quality amount of comments we got last week, we're going to have three more pictures. Let's get it on!

Elton John: "Higher kicks, boys! Like this! HIGHER!"


Kentucky's cheerleaders are distraught that they are no longer allowed to wear their uniform's hoods.


Iverson: "Should we teach Yao how to clap?"
Nash: "No, just... just ignore it."


So yeah. Any of the pictures are up for grabs. Make with the funny!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

THE NBA IS BACK


NO MORE BULLSHIT LIKE THIS! NO MORE FUCKING SPECULATION! THEY ACTUALLY PLAY BASKETBALL GAMES THAT MATTER TONIGHT!

Yes. YES. Break out your beers, pick your favorite goon-ass role-player and drink every time he does something. I call JaVale McGee (His Wizards tip off against the Mavericks at 8:30 ET. It's not on nationally).

We also get our first look at the NBA's version of Yankees-Red Sox! The first look at Shaq and LeBron (Shabron if they win, LeBraq if they lose) against the Celtics. OMG! SHEED! Rondo wants a new contract, KG says he's healthy, Paul Pierce still thinks he's the best player in the world, Glen "Big Baby" Davis is out indefinitely after breaking his thumb in a fight, and Jesus Shuttlesworth is himself. DID I MENTION THAT RASHEED WALLACE IS ON THAT TEAM?!

The Clippers get to begin their existential blight of a season without #1 pick Blake Griffin, since he broke his kneecap. Still gotta tune in to the late game, though. They're playing Kobe, Pau, Lamar, RON GODDAMN ARTEST and the rest of the Kardashians.

Elsewhere in Fox Sports local land, we have the playoff match up of the Rockets and Blazers. Lamarcus Aldridge just signed a big extension for the boys from PDX. Tracy McGrady and Yao better pray that Trevor Ariza is half as good as Artest was for them, or they could be looking at not even making the post season.

YES! SPORTS ON TV DURING THE WEEK!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Caption Contest!


China's most famous athlete can run on any track at any time, and that includes during the female team speedwalker's practice.

or...

"Must...Not...Break...Foot."

or...

"October can't come quickly enough. This country sucks and my wife here is ugly."

Friday, May 1, 2009

Friday Afternoon Funbag!

While we typically provide GRH readers with a humorous photograph of a popular or at least well-known celebrity athlete who happens to be inebriated, this week we came up short. Here's Yao Ming, Houston's perhaps favorite chinaman, apparently imbibing but then giving a speech with his usual, sober expression.

To quote Eddie Murphy, "Karate Man hurt on the inside."

So what has this week taught us? American cars aren't doing too well, something called a "swine flu" may be almost as painful as the flying pig puns that are procured therein, and, judging by the amount of postage this week, Zack Stovall is either unemployed or has way too much time on his hands.

Also, there were some videos. A hat tip to GRH commenter White Yao. Savor the flavor, butterscotch — I'm sure there's a Lattimer verbal thrashing somewhere to be found. Here's one that's less funny than freaking-face-melting-mind-blowingly awesome. Apparently you can't embed things that are this awesome, to which I would reply, "FIE!"

One of my guilty pleasures is an affinity for some forms of punk music, including but not limited to Blink 182. But this entertainment knows no bounds.

This is one of my all-time favorite SNL skits. It was the precursor to Andy Sandberg's digital shorts, and features Steve Buscemi as a used food pawn shop owner.

I don't much care for the Hills. But I care for Chris Bosh a great deal. I'm so conflicted. But this is funny anyway.

I like food and I like it when people rub my feet in a non-tickling fashion. I am down with this cause.

It's entirely possible that Vader Sessions has appeared on the Ghost before. It's an absolute certainty that it hasn't been watched enough by Americans everywhere. Do your patriotic duty and behold.

Hey there! Six videos! Five of which were easily embedded! That's enough to get a good start to the weekend. Or not. Anyway, have it at it, and, as always, play to win.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Caption Contest!



Yes indeed, yes indeed. It's a new Wednesday and a new Caption Contest!

Tim: THERE CAN ONLY ONE HIGHLANDER!!!

Or maybe this.

Pau: "Hey! Hey where'd you go?!"

Tim: "Pickaboo!"

Pau: "Ohh! There you are!"

Or perchaps...

Pau: "Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena. Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria y cosa buena. Dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena. Heeeeey Macarena! Aiyy!"

Tim: "I just scored a three-point J."

Pau: "Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena. Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria y cosa buena. Dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena. Heeeeey Macarena! Aiyy!"

Hobbers — Now, go do that voodoo that you do so well.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Premier League Clubs Don't Know What A Recession Is




Europe's January transfer deadline passed a long time ago, and I'm mad late with this post. But, as always, I don't care.

If there's anything to be learned it's that the continent's top clubs care about the recession like Nate Robinson cares about tall peoples' feelings. But if the rest of Europe seemed simply to ignore the recession, English clubs spit in its eye, threw its laptop in the shower, and told everyone it was bad in bed. Spending no less than 160 million pounds, the '09 Premier League nearly doubled the previous transfer record. But, strangely, as far as big names go, the action was pretty practical and overall a little humdrum considering the grand total spent. But there were some interesting moves...

Most Predictable
The biggest and most expected deal was the arrival of Russian midfield dynamo Andrei Arshavin at Arsenal. The deal took FOREVER and was disputably finalized past the deadline, but it finally went through for about 17 million lbs. People have been talking about this deal since November, and Arshavin's move from Zenit St. Petersburg to a top-flight club in Western Europe has been inevitable since he turned heads in Euro '08. Arsenal could use his speed, skill on the ball, and passing ability, but mostly his aggression. Arsenal remind me alot of the Dallas Mavericks of the early '00s-- beautiful to watch on offense, soft and often calamitous on defense. The fact that they're missing Fabregas and Walcott makes this deal all the more essential, but if they wanna stop being the pretty-faced (I swear Arsene Wenger picks his players based on their facebook photos) waifs of the big four, they need to invest in some hard-nosed steel in the midfield and defense.

Wild Card
What I thought was one of the more left-field transfers of the mid-season was the pick-up of Ricardo Quaresma by Chelsea. Most didn't expect Chelsea to make any marquee moves at all (except perhaps for a new manager), even thought they're in the beginning stages of a late-season crisis. But that they picked up a player as notably flashy and dynamic as Quaresma, was especially intriguing. Essentially frozen out of the rotation by Jose Mourinho at Inter Milan, Quaresma was having a tough go in Italy, and Chelsea managed to swoop in relatively under-the-radar and procure him on loan. (Inter still owns the rights to him.) (By the way, the loan system is an amazingly practical aspect of the football transfer system; American sports should really try it.) Anyway, Ricardo's dope. He's got a style and swagger that you might describe as a bit, for lack of a less ethnographical term, 'hip-hop.' He's a bit inconsistent when it comes to results (i.e. goals assists), kind of like fellow Portuguesa Ronaldo back in the day, but he should add a spark of speed and ingenuity to a squad that often plays like a robot army. It'll be interesting to see how Quaresma gets utilized, particularly with the arrival of new coach Gus Hiddink, since the deal was made with former manager Scolari still in charge.

Most Immediately Effective
I like two transfers for this category. Both were fairly subtle; both involved forwards; and both have paid instant dividends in the form of goals. Aston Villa's procurement of veteran England striker Emile Heskey (from Wigan) and Everton's loan deal for Brazilian frontman Jo from Manchester City were as smart as they were slightly unexpected. Heskey has quietly proven himself over the course of his somewhat wandering career, to be as consistent a striker as any in England. A Strong target and clinical finisher, the forward was singled out by both Michael Owen and Wayne Rooney as far and away their favorite forward to play with on the national team squad, mainly because of his unselfishness approach to the game. His experience and willingness to share the ball should be a huge asset both in the development of his sparkling young strike partner Gabbie Agbonlahor and in helping Villa hold on to 3rd in the league table and a much coveted (much deserved) Champions League spot. Heskey proved the point in classic style when he scored in his debut match for Villa a few weeks ago.

Jo also scored twice in his debut for Everton last weekend, as they beat Bolton 3-0. The lanky Brazilian was having trouble getting into the flow of things at Manchester City and a loan to Everton will probably prove beneficial to both clubs, provided his good form and continued growth in confidence continue and Manchester City is able to bring him back after awhile. But, if he keeps this up, Everton will definitely seek to buy him permanently from the disgustingly rich Man Citizens when the summer rolls around. Jo looked exceedingly comfortable and fluid this past weekend and scored two silky goals in the second half that underscored the player's smooth style and real potential to become one of the EPL's biggest threats. Everton need him badly as three of their top-choice strikers-- Louis Saha, Yakubu, and James Vaughan-- are all currently out with injuries.

The truth of the matter the end of the season ss been shaping up to be a crazy one and would be even if no moves were made last month. But, the midseason re-shuffling always makes things more interesting. The biggest story of the season is Aston Villa crashing the big four party at the top of the table. Manchester City still has more money than the economic stimulus package, and Arsenal and Chelsea are most likely in serious trouble. My boys Man Utd. just keeps rollin.' I'm psyched.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!


I really hope that Barkley didn't run the stop sign for Bavetta.

WOO! Friday in tha muhfuckin' hizouse. It's cloudy here. Wack. Who cares? We're going to have fun this weekend!

And as you can see above, we at GRH are in the Valentine's Day spirit also. All I know, is when Saturday night rolls around, if the girls aren't sitting at home wondering why Johnny Closetgay hasn't called them, they're going to be out, and they're going to be on the prowl. AMIRIGHT?!?!

So anyways. Kevin Garnett used to be my favorite player. While he's on a team now that I can hardly bring myself to support (Boston fans are the worst of the worst), I still love him. Here's why.


I used to have a pretty exciting life. Now I sit in an office. But anyways, some people out there still kick ass, to the point that if I show up to work with a wingsuit on, you better believe I'm jumping out of a window around lunch.
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The Boondocks is a great show. Not just because of their sick original rap songs, but because it is a finger on the pulse of America. America's pulse, at times, involves dunking on Yao Ming.


This music video won't let me embed it on our site. Cowards. But seriously, I can't really set this video up, you just kind of have to watch it. Unless your sensibilities get offended easily. Or maybe even then, what the hell do I care. I'm not sure if this is NSFW. I really don't know what to say about it.

Commenter Brian is a GRH favorite. We all know this. Time to give a little love back and feature him, getting steezy.


Ok, lots of fun today. Can't wait for tonight. Can't wait for tomorrow, either, lots of soccer on. Let's go. Fuck yes.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

If you thought Earl Clark didn't like flattops...


Andre Iguodala apparently hates Yao's flattop more.

For the past three summers, Andre Iguodala has been the leader of the USA Select Team. This job entails several things. One, being athletic. A huge part of being on USA Select is that you have to run. All the time. It is up to you to give something the Kobes and LeBrons need to keep up with. You are the goddamn rabbit on the dog track.

Being a leader and also a 2 on the Select team also means one big thing. You get to guard Kobe. Day in, day out. You on Kobe. It's the worst job in sports. Worse than Gus Triandos trying to catch Hoyt Wilhelm's knuckleball. Can you imagine how bad chasing Kobe Bryant around all day would be? And you don't get any calls? And when you finally get to be on offense you can only do fast breaks?

Fuck that shit.

What was Andre Iguodala's reward? Nothing. Not a fucking thing. Everybody else gets to go to Beijing and put on a spectacular show and get feted and adored by the entire world. And Iggy Pop gets a pat on the back, and sent back to Philadelphia.

So now. Half a world and half a year later, he sees this fucking Chinese flattop looking at him. Iguodala's response? Please see above. Air-to-hoop Iggy Pop.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Aggregated Assault: The Festivus Airing of Grievances


December 23rd - just to get a leg up on Christmas - has been reserved in the lexicon of American culture as a day to remember all of the ways the people in your world have disappointed you over the past year. It is as day to embrace the feats of strength that bind us in our humanity. It is a time to not be distracted by tinsel, decorations, or pine needles.

This day is Festivus.

So in the good and merry traditions with which properly celebrating this noble festivity is duly associated, so we shall adhere. By airing our grievances, we are truly giving the only gifts that matter to our dear associates: a heavy dose of common sense, reality, and a stark realization of their seemingly endless amount of ineptitude. They are as follows:

  • Oklahoma gets what's coming to them
  • Roger Clemens gets clean urine
  • Travis Henry gets a slap on the wrist
  • Tony Romo gets a better girlfriend
  • Al Jefferson and Kevin Durant get traded (not for each other, just off of their respective shitty teams that are never on tv)
  • Charles Barkley gets elected (don't care where, don't care to what, don't care how)Jay Mariotti gets robbed, beaten, and left for dead
  • Marion Barber gets some peace and fucking quiet for once in his goddamn life
  • Stephon Marbury gets a contract in Italy
  • GRH gets articles from all seven authors in the same week
  • The Spurs get one more championship
  • The Rockets get one healthy season out of both Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming
  • Vince Young gets redemption
  • Pacman Jones gets a 13th step
  • ESPN gets competition
  • David Lee gets 5 minutes in Marion Barber's quiet utopia
  • Nate Robinson gets a jumpshot
  • Michael Jordan gets humility
  • Monta Ellis gets a car, instead of the moped he hurt himself on
  • The Grizzlies get Pau back instead of Marc
  • Soccer gets a foothold
  • John Daly gets another round
  • Eli Manning gets facial hair
  • Matt Ryan gets a rap CD
  • Lions get a win
  • Boston gets Tolerable fans
  • Virginia tech gets an offense
  • Houston Nutt gets star 87
  • Brent Musberger gets announcing ability
  • Auburn gets a 2008 Calendar
  • Tim Tebow gets a beer
  • Willis McGahee gets a prophylacticr
  • Brett Favre gets a free condo at The Villages (Florida's friendliest hometown)
  • Lendale White gets nutra-slim
  • Mike and Mike get a clue
  • Skip Bayless gets logic and reason
  • Joe Paterno gets respect…Seriously
  • The BCS gets fucked
  • Mike Vick gets a free session with Ceasar Milan
  • ESPN gets a trip back to 1997
  • Jerry Jones gets a soul
  • Pittsburgh gets a better mascot than Steely McBeam
  • John McCain gets the funk (gotta have that funk)
  • USC gets a legitimate excuse as to why they were defeated by Oregon State's lilliputian tailback
  • Santonio Holmes gets a contract from Vivid TV
  • Donovan McNabb gets a Caucasian Benefit of a Doubt (Kevin Kolb is your answer? Seriously?)
  • Chicago gets the Goat-Slayer 3000; It slices! It dices! It juliannes!
  • Ken Griffey Jr. gets some form of a dignified exit from the MLB
  • Heath Ledger gets an Academy Awar - oooo too soon?
  • Arkansas gets nothing. Nothing at all.
  • Rich Rodriguez gets a team that doesn't look mentally handicapped
  • Ike gets Tina back...from the graaave
  • Adam Sandler, Jim Carey, and Mike Meyers all get movies that don't make me miss my childhood
  • Bill Clinton gets a BJ. Looks like Santa came early this year. Ahthankyou.
  • Rihanna gets everything she's already got, because I'll be struck by a lightning shark before that lady puts out a bad song
  • Emmitt Smith gets a muzzle in order to maintain a shred of credibility
  • Woody Paige gets a Silky's Diver
  • Tom Brady gets a sack that isn't void of testicles
  • Barack Obama gets Nicorette. Yes, We Can (Do It and Nicorette can help)
  • OJ gets a fair trial (had the first one been fair, there wouldn't have needed to have been a second)
  • Bobby Petrino gets a five-year lease on his home
  • Claymation gets a comeback!
  • Popping gets locking
  • Steve Nash gets a late night talk show
  • Darren McFadden gets literacy
  • Anquan Boldin gets screwed (pleasurably) for each of the 31 screws (literally) in his face
  • Michael Jackson gets redeemed. Thriller. Period.
  • Detroit gets a working economic structure
  • David Stern gets street cred
  • Charlie Weis gets a physique that isn't so often described as "planetary"
  • Jay Cutler gets a pat on the back from Wilford Brimley
  • Matt Leinart gets a pat on the back from Jay Cutler
  • Ireland gets 24 hours of sobriety
  • Football gets a name that better describes the game itself. You only kick it at most twenty times a game, which accounts for roughly eleven seconds of game time. Let's call it Smashball and be done with it.
  • Adrian Peterson gets a team that can stand winning.
  • Tennessee gets in-state recruiting that's worth anything at all.
  • Bawston gets an accent that isn't immediately offensive
  • Mark McGuire gets into the Hall of Fame (by smashing a hole in the side wall)
  • Dante Culpepper gets a flux capacitor back to 2003
And finally, true sports fans everywhere get the ability to physically join to get to create one large moving leviathan organism that is roughly the size of a large skyscraper that can run at Boeing speeds. This ability will also allow the collective organism, known as the Keeper of Justice for Planet Earth will rid the world of the BCS once and for all. It will also toss Jay Mariotti somewhere in the vicinity of the Asteroid Belt outside Mars' orbit, and then it's going to have sex with a volcano.

Put that in your stocking. There it is. And a mighty fine Airing of Grievances it was. If there are anymore you'd like to add, do so in the comment section. If that doesn't float your boat, go screw yourself in the earhole.

So polish your poles, and be sure to stretch before your respective family's Feats of Strength. Happy Festivus everyone.

Sincerely,
The Ghost of Roy Hobbs

Friday, November 7, 2008

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!


"Hey Hey. BABAAAYYYYY! Newport News in tha hizouse! What? I got traded to Detroit? Mothaphuckas! I'ma half to play defense now."

Which is my way of saying that Friday is upon us. Let's see what's in store in this magical journey of fun.

We've had a lot of fun with Yao Ming. Truly, he is a great player, but for real, dog. If your height is 75% of the height of the rim, this should never happen to you. Or this, for that matter.

All readers of our sites know that we love sports commercials. We even fancy ourselves experts on the fact. However, some European weiners called WPP decided that this is the best sports commercial of the year. They may be right.

And now we have the Power Team. They're Juiced for Jesus. They're Crunk on Christ. They're injected with the Holy Spirit! They're... nuts. Behold: the glory of the Power Team!

Here is something bizarre from Europe.

With the absence of the Answer in Denver, it is now all Carmelo's team. Between having ups and downs with getting suspended, getting pulled over, winning a gold medal, Carmelo needs some stability in his life. Which is why he opened a barber shop in Denver. It may also be why he cut off his trademark 'rows. Of course, EA Sports has a different reason.

Yeehaw. I'm going to get weird here for a while, I'll catch you guys on the flip side.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!


Three cheers for the weekend! I'm going to dress up as John Daly for Halloween. It's nice because of the simplicity. Step 1) Put on golf-esque apparel. Step 2) Smear face with Hooter's sauce. Step 3) Drink self insane.

So a lot of times when I'm watching a James Bond movie, I think to myself, "yeah, it would be cool, but one could never do that." Apparently, that wasn't enough to some guys, who have one-upped just about everything Bond has ever done.

Did I say I was dressing up like John Daly? Because in real life I am President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.

Chris Mortensen sucks. But in this video with him in it, some morons capture some hilarity in the background. I've always wondered why people take jobs that involve them dressing up in inflatable mascot costumes, but now the answer is clear: to whomp on little kids.

Josh Howard is sneaky and will trip you. Especially if you are a 7'5" Emo Chinaman.

Ok. It's Halloween. Let's all go do something stupid.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Olympics are nigh!



Dirk was chosen by his country to carry the flag during the opening ceremonies. So he did this to his hair. Good thing for him, he can't possibly be uglier, no matter what his hair looks like.

Yao was chosen to carry China's flag, but it's doubtful that he'll deviate from what I like to call General Tso's Flattop.

Who's carrying the Stars and Stripes? Could it be any of our famous Olympians (Michael Phelps, Misty May, LeBron James)? No. Lopez Lomong is. See, other countries choose well-known athletes to carry their flags. We choose guys who've only been Americans for 13 months to carry our flag, so as to make a dig at Chinese international policies.

They deserve it. Lousy commies.