Progressive Anti-Bully Gym Instructor Found in Locker, Gagged with Jock Strap

ERIE, Penn. — Coach Cal Roberts, 25, of Columbia Junior High in Erie, Pennsylvania, was found Tuesday afternoon stuffed into a locker in the men's dressing room, bound with athletic tape and gagged with a jock strap, and obviously disheveled.

Roberts, who is known for having a laid back, hands off, non-violent approach to coaching Jr. High students, said that after the class completed their yoga instructions, four to five of the bigger boys in the class cornered him in the gym, while the rest cheered.

"I mean these are good kids," said Roberts, as he held his head back to nurse a nosebleed. "I'm not going to subject them to bully-games like dodge ball, flag football, badminton, or track and field."

"That's just not good for these kids."

The jock was labeled as belonging to Sam Michaelson, a 5'8", 200lbs. seventh grader at Columbia. Michaelson claims Roberts had it coming.

"Guy had it coming," said Michaelson.

An investigation by school administrators is pending the results of a class survey as to whether or not Roberts, indeed, had it coming. Early polling numbers are showing that most agree he did, while one voter, Anaximander Goldberg, the local chess prodigy, firmly believed otherwise.

Want to know why ESPN sucks?

Sure. I get it. It's a late Tuesday afternoon. Not a lot of big news going around the country. Baseball is already into its second week, NBA playoffs are nigh, and each are far too long. Life is great.

I also understand the Feast and Famine atmosphere of the news business. There's never any middle ground; Either you're awash in too much information, only bits of which you can possibly hope to retain, or your in the middle of the desert, desperately hoping for a drop of sweat to quench your thirst. Maybe there's a famine period going on today for the folks in Connecticut.

But here's my primary beef with ESPN: If it isn't newsworthy, don't report it. And certainly don't make it your featured headlines (plural! /slaps forehead). Here's a glance at the so-called "headlines" from ten-til-five today.


* De La Hoya says his time in the ring is over — Oh, really? This isn't news, this is olds; The Golden Boy has been out of the game since the idea that he could ever do anything other than punch people for a living entered everyone's mind.

* Beckett suspended for nearly beaning Abreu — Nearly beaning? What? No bloodshed? That's barely a story. Josh Beckett's soul patch is a bigger story than that.

* Isiah Thomas named basketball coach at FIU — STOP THE PRESSES! The much-maligned Knickerbocker has returned to the collge ranks in the gully of the ballyhooed SUN BELT CONFERENCE to take on the likes of ARKANSAS STATE and WESTERN KENTUCKY! Let me know if he can get them to dunk and/or get people to care.

* Celtics' Allen suspended for elbowing Varejao — Ray Allen is mad gangsterish. He's throwing 'bows. He also looks like Charlie Villanueva, the hairless wonder.

* Xavier to introduce Mack as new head coach — You lost me when 'Xavier' was anything other than the Professor from X-Men.

* Connecticut center Thabeet to enter NBA draft — Duh.

* Autopsy shows Kalas died from heart disease — Mournful as this was yesterday, this is an addendum to an earlier story. Emphasis on 'yesterday.'

* Duke point guard Paulus works out for Packers — ESPN is treating this move of a college athelete abahdeetabahdeetabahdeet (double-take noise) playing another sport (like Julius Peppers, Matt Jones, etc. etc. ad nasuem) like it's yet another sequel to Air Bud, a film which, by the way, garnered very little attention from the Academy.

* E:60: Air quality at ice rinks causes concern — Concern....from the one fan who was watching hockey? Or the three fans watching figure skating?

* Rumors: Quinn, like Montana, may be a 49er (Insider) — This is the most egregious of them all, and it's labeled the biggest one, only to be viewed by the most select and dignified of readers (/extends pinky).

Quinn went to Notre Dame. He won zero championships and was best known for being totally super cute. Joe Montana went to Notre Dame, nearly won a Heisman, a national championship, and oh by the way, won three Super Bowls as a 49er. The fact that they both went to Notre Dame — of which, I am a fan, by the way — only matters in one regard: They're both honkies. Other than that the comparisons should stop.

This last post is the most clear example, along with the others as corroborating evidence, that ESPN loves to make stories where there are, in fact, none.

But again, that's not news. That's olds. Or it should be. Just go here or here for your sports news. Or grab a ball and make news happen yourself.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Three cheers for the weekend! I'm going to dress up as John Daly for Halloween. It's nice because of the simplicity. Step 1) Put on golf-esque apparel. Step 2) Smear face with Hooter's sauce. Step 3) Drink self insane.

So a lot of times when I'm watching a James Bond movie, I think to myself, "yeah, it would be cool, but one could never do that." Apparently, that wasn't enough to some guys, who have one-upped just about everything Bond has ever done.

Did I say I was dressing up like John Daly? Because in real life I am President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.

Chris Mortensen sucks. But in this video with him in it, some morons capture some hilarity in the background. I've always wondered why people take jobs that involve them dressing up in inflatable mascot costumes, but now the answer is clear: to whomp on little kids.

Josh Howard is sneaky and will trip you. Especially if you are a 7'5" Emo Chinaman.

Ok. It's Halloween. Let's all go do something stupid.