I had a dream last night...

So I had this dream last night. I was playing tennis with Allen Iverson on a blue court. He was decked out in the old school Reebok "Answ3r" gear. He had a mean drop shot and a dirty spin serve.

Anyway, we got to talking after our game. He said he was just happy to be competing in something other than basketball, because there's too much stress on him when he hoops. I said that the game will always be part of him, and gave him this theory that I had.

The theory was that if Rasheed Wallace wasn't in the NBA Finals right now, he'd be in a playground somewhere in a tank top, jacking threes, dunking, taking sips off of a brew and talking mad shit. Basically, that the game's a part of him and that even if he wasn't making millions of dollars, he'd still be doing it.

Allen Iverson responded with, "No, Sheed would be a jiu jitsu instructor. You know, with a tight-ass 'fro."

If anyone can tell me what any of this means, it would be a big help.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Fix your beer goggles, Shawn Marion. Slumpbusters won't get you out of the first round.

WOOO! BOUT FUCKING TIME IT'S FRIDAY! This week has fucking draaaaaaaaged.

First up, some fake-ass dudes shoot hoops from airplanes.


Next up, remember to not fuck with deer if you're a fat tub of goo.


Chelsea FC won the Premier League and the FA Cup. They celebrated. Someone threw John Terry a beer, so he could slam it.


Well, I'm a Simpsons nerd, so this was pretty cool to me.


And for no real reason, here's one of my favorite commercials of all time. Too dope.


Get amped, bitches. Champions League Final is tomorrow. Boom.


It's not like we needed more reason to like Rasheed Wallace, but here he is doing the Carlton dance from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.


50 Cent found the new hottest rapper. Here he is introducing him.


I know this has blown shit up on the Internet, but it's worth putting up here. Dale Peterson and his chief-of-staff Winchester are going straight to the top.


Here's something to freak you out and ruin your afternoon.


OK! THAT'S IT FOR TODAY, CHUMPSTYLES! I'M THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! GET YOUR ASSES OUTSIDE! WOOOO! CAPSLOCK WEEKEND! ENGAGE!

Fuck. There was something I was supposed to do today...

Ricky Williams: ...but what?!


Ricky: Hey Rasheed. Sheed!


Rasheed: Sup.

Ricky: Wasn't there something we were supposed to do today?

Rasheed: I don't know, man. Like what?

Ricky: Like something we do every day, but for some reason it's more important today?

Rasheed: Shit I don't know. Thinking's hard. Fuck it, I'm getting into a hot tub.


Ricky: Dammit. This is hard. Hey Mark. MARK!


Mark Stepnoski: Grunh?

Ricky: Maybe you can help me out. I feel like there was something I was supposed to do today, but my memory is suffering from short-term loss.

Stepnoski: Mughufungh Rupufungunuh.

Ricky: K thanks man. [under his breath] What a weirdo.

Stepnoski: [enraged] GREH HERRR DLAAA!

Ricky: SHIT! NATE! NATE YOU GOTTA HELP!


Nate Newton: [through labored breathing] Suuuuuunnnnn Chiiiiiiips. You make my daaaaayyyyaayyyyyyyy.

Ricky: Well, that wasn't helpful. Randy. Hey Randy!


Randy Moss: AY MANG! HOWDABOUTA TOKA MANG JUNOWHATISAYING?!

Ricky: Eesh. Whatever the fuck that meant. Maybe Kareem knows. [calls Kareem Abdul-Jabbar]


Kareem: [giggling] Hello? Hey. Hey shh, quit it. [composed] Sorry Ricky, I'd like to help you, but myself and Former President Bush are at an important meeting with the joint chiefs. [laughter erupts on the phone]

George W. Bush: [in the background] Yeah, we're meeting on the moon, bitch!

Ricky: Jeez, some people have no phone etiquette.


Tim Lincecum: I've got an idea, we could call Michael Phelps!

Ricky: God no. ANYTHING but that. Fuck it, this is hard. I'm just gonna go get high.




Happy 4/20 everybody! There's myriad athletes I left out. Throw your favorite stoner athlete in the comments section.

Caption Contest!

WOOO! More pictures that need captions!

First off we have my new chat icon and twitter avatar (follow me, homos! @PJHart!)


Moving on, we have some Canuck chicks smoking stogies! Yeeeeuh!


Caption! Give them! Comment! Send to your friends and have them comment!

Bill Walton won't let a strike happen.

You've been warned.

The lockout season in '99 totally blew except for two things:
1) The Spurs won the championship.
2) It was Vince Carter's and Jason Williams' rookie year.

I highly doubt that there will be a lockout. Where Simmons (who gerbils, by the way) is wrong is that the superstars of the league aren't complaining. Players on middling and poor teams get paid more to stick around, and role players who take pay cuts get to play on higher profile teams, and ego-stroking is a supplement to cash.

Not only that, but EVERY team and EVERY big name player is excited for next season. Maybe a lockout would occur if the rapture doesn't actually happen, and everybody stays on their current teams (which I think is much more likely than LeBron and Wade playing for Jay-Z). But I doubt it.

Bill Simmons has been hawking this tired nonsense about the NBA's economics being fucked up for about five years now. Well yeah, Bill, if the only two teams you follow are the Celtics and Clippers, you might have a skewed view of things.

I'm not worried.

THE NBA IS BACK

NO MORE BULLSHIT LIKE THIS! NO MORE FUCKING SPECULATION! THEY ACTUALLY PLAY BASKETBALL GAMES THAT MATTER TONIGHT!

Yes. YES. Break out your beers, pick your favorite goon-ass role-player and drink every time he does something. I call JaVale McGee (His Wizards tip off against the Mavericks at 8:30 ET. It's not on nationally).

We also get our first look at the NBA's version of Yankees-Red Sox! The first look at Shaq and LeBron (Shabron if they win, LeBraq if they lose) against the Celtics. OMG! SHEED! Rondo wants a new contract, KG says he's healthy, Paul Pierce still thinks he's the best player in the world, Glen "Big Baby" Davis is out indefinitely after breaking his thumb in a fight, and Jesus Shuttlesworth is himself. DID I MENTION THAT RASHEED WALLACE IS ON THAT TEAM?!

The Clippers get to begin their existential blight of a season without #1 pick Blake Griffin, since he broke his kneecap. Still gotta tune in to the late game, though. They're playing Kobe, Pau, Lamar, RON GODDAMN ARTEST and the rest of the Kardashians.

Elsewhere in Fox Sports local land, we have the playoff match up of the Rockets and Blazers. Lamarcus Aldridge just signed a big extension for the boys from PDX. Tracy McGrady and Yao better pray that Trevor Ariza is half as good as Artest was for them, or they could be looking at not even making the post season.

YES! SPORTS ON TV DURING THE WEEK!

Caption Contest!

Paul Pierce: "You got all our numbers yet?"
Rasheed Wallace: "Ha, yeah. Look at what I put for Glen Davis: 'Don't Answer.' Ha!"

or...

Sheed: "Yo, Paul, yo bitch keep callin' me. Put that ho on a leash, yo."

or...

PP: "Hey Rasheed, what are you doing?"
Sheed: "Tweeting a bunch of jokes about how your knees hurt because you've been on them too much. Get it? It's a blowjob joke, Paul."

Sheed and Pdouble have always been favorites of mine. I'm glad they're on the same team. I just wish that it wasn't a Boston team.

Joey Crawford Hates America.

He kicked your dog yesterday. He spat in the face of the brunette from the Blackberry Storm commercials. He always bet against Mike Vick’s dog. He smokes Newports. He anally raped Marcin Gortat. He’s the one that calls the cops if your music is too loud after 9 pm. His favorite movie is Paul Blart: Mall Cop. He’s Superman’s nemesis. The designated hitter was his idea. He killed Eddie Griffin. That smell? Joey Crawford. His favorite show is Around the Horn. He pisses on the seat. He produced Common’s Universal Mind Control. He shot Tupac. He cancelled Arrested Development. He shot Carl Landry. If it were up to Joey Crawford, the alley-oop would be outlawed. He curses the sun, and shoots songbirds with his bb gun. Anti-alcohol laws are called “blue laws” in the United States and pro-rape laws are called “Joey Crawford laws” in fundamentalist Islamic countries. Joey Crawford hates the Inside the NBA team.

PLAYOFFS ARE NIGH!!

Here's hoping that this happens again, for some reason.

YES! The second season is upon us! GODDAMN RIGHT! I've decided that this year, I'm going to give what I want to have happen, series by series.

EASTERN CONFERENCE:
(1) Cleveland Cavaliers v. (8)Detroit Pistons
-Cavs. Because of Bron. Sorry, Sheed.

(2)Boston Celtics v. (7)Chicago Bulls
-Bulls. If KG isn't playing, then I have literally no incentive to give a fuck about this Boston team. Suck shit.

(3)Orlando Magic v. (6)Philadelphia 76ers
-Magic. Because Rashard Lewis is what Andre Iguodala will be.

(4)Atlanta Hawks v. (5)Miami Heat
-Hawks. Because Miami are some smarmy fucks ever since winning the championship. Also, the Hawks are fucking badass.

WESTERN CONFERENCE:
(1)Los Angeles Lakers v. (8)Utah Jazz
/sighs
//takes pull of whiskey
-Jazz. I never thought I'd ever pull for the Jazz for any reason, but here it is. Deron Williams is awesome, Ronnie Brewer is VERY fun to watch, and Carlos Boozer has a hilarious habit of shouting obscenities where microphones can hear him.

(2)Denver Nuggets v. (7)New Orleans Hornets
-Push. The most "QUIEN ES MAS GANGSTER" matchup I've ever seen. This is the fucking tits. Tyson Chandler, JR Smith, Carmelo Anthony, Chauncey "Gorzo the Mighty" Billups, Chris "Birdman" Andersen, AND the best point guard in the league all going at each other? Break out the bottle of Tanqueray, put on some soul music and let the flavor happen. If I have to decide, Nuggets, because of Homerism.

(3)San Antonio Spurs v. (6)Dallas Mavericks
-Spurs. Because Robots > Nazis. And Homerism.

(4)Houston Rockets v. (5)Portland Trailblazers
-Blazers. This one was really tough. I'd love to see the Rockets make it out of the first round, just to spite T-Mac (and because Ron Artest, Luis Scola, and Kyle Lowry are awesome), but I've always loved the Blazers. I can't explain it. However, LaMarcus Aldridge, Brandon Roy, Travis Outlaw, Grandpa Greg Oden, and the Spanish Mafiosos speak for themselves.

OK. Phew. That was tougher than expected. We'll see how these turnout, hopefully I won't be that sad.

Also, it's Lattimer's birthday. Wish him a happy one in our comment sections, because he's probably on his fourth Vodka and Whey Protein drink at this point, and will be out of commission until we have more information.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

X Games live chat worked out so well, I had to abide by a request to have Tanner Hall drunk for the Fun Bag. So here we go again. And thanks to everybody that showed up, it was fun.

So to continue on the wacky Fun Bag experiment, here we have more comedic gold.

To keep in with the politics theme that we started off the week with in the Shit Storm, here we have the head honcho of athlete politicians.

Righteous.

One time I went to a professional wrestling match in Mexico City. The "Lucha Libre" itself. Anyways, Mexican wrestling is way sweeter than any other wresting.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Shaquille O'Neal is one of the most enigmatic players of all time. Whether he's winning games, getting fat, rapping or asking people how his ass tastes, he's always entertaining.


In case you missed it, Steve Nash was on Conan the other night. Not as funny as the video he did with Baron Davis, but pretty good nonetheless. I'm still waiting for Ron Artest's appearance on late night TV.


And finally, Rasheed Wallace.


Fantastic. I'm ready to rock. Coming your way, assholes!

NBA Divisional Preview: Central

Alright, Central Division, Eastern Conference. Now we're getting into some shit. But as we can all see, Sheed wants that title back!

Detroit Pistons: Another perennial power in the once weak East, these guys know how to win. Or do they? They're always in the favorites, even having the second-best record in the L last year, but just can't seem to get over the hump. Last time they made it to the finals, the Spurs were there to shut them down. Since then, the Heat, Cavaliers, and Celtics have been the team to make it out, while Motown is left wondering what could have been and what went wrong. This squad looks like it's somewhere between the powerhouse days of old and a rebuilding team. After Sheed, Antonio "Dice" McDyess, Chauncey "Mr. Big Shot" Billups, and Rip Hamilton, the most experienced player on the roster is Kwame "Crummy" Brown (!). This is all sorts of crazy. There are too many question marks to say whether or not this team can make it to the finals, but there is plenty of potential in Rodney Stuckey (who we know can ball), Arron Affalo, Will Bynum, and Amir Johnson. Look to Jason Maxiell to develop a 15-17 foot game to justify his wanting a bigger contract.

Cleveland Cavaliers: LeBron. That's it. That's all there is to know. The rest of the crew is there, Big Z, Wally, "Sideshow Bob" Varejao. The other players would have to include Daniel "Boobie" Gibson, and newly acquired Mo Williams. But there's only one thing that matters. As goes LeBron, so go the Cavs. These clowns are going to have off nights, but if LeBron has even a slightly less than gold medal performance, they will lose. Of course, if someone can do it, it's gotta be Bron.

Indiana Pacers: Man, now we're getting dirty. The Pacers had a fire sale after the Malace at the Palace, getting rid of all the trouble makers that ran into the crowd and wrecked up the place. Still, they have quite the ill image, thanks to Marquis Daniels and Jamaal Tinsley (although Bird has made it quite clear that Tinsley won't be on the team for long). Add in some unproven college standouts (Roy Hibbert, Josh McRoberts, Brandon Rush), some straight weiners (Travis Deiner, Mike Dunleavy), and the worst rapper in NBA history, Troy Murphy, and you get maybe the worst team in the league.

Milwaukee Bucks: Michael Redd won a gold medal this past summer. The list of positives ends there. They got Richard Jefferson for Yi Jianlian, but then what? Andrew Bogut, a bling hater, Luc Mbah a Moute was always questionable, Luke Ridnour, Charlie Villanueva, and Booker Pogue's least favorite Big Easter, Joe Alexander, all... well... fuck it. Gilbert Arenas said it best. Nobody wants to play in Milwaukee.

Chicago Bulls: This once proud franchise has been nothing, repeat, nothing since Jordan left, save for one season filled with hope on the backs of Ben Gordon and Luol Deng. Now, they apparently beef over who gets more money, with Ben Gordon entertaining prospects of going to CSKA Moscow and Luol wishing everybody would just shut up. Joakim Noah is the world's ugliest Chihuahua. Andres Nocioni is the most overpaid Argentine (which is saying a lot). Kirk Hinrich didn't even get invited by Samwise and Frodo to go to Mt. Doom, and they were both some bitches. Drew Gooden sucks. Tyrus Thomas and Larry Hughes play only for a check. Thabo Sefalosha is ok, but never gets passed to. Derrick Rose, the hometown cat, has a little bit of work ahead of him, before he makes good on his MVP aspirations.