Joey Crawford Hates America.

He kicked your dog yesterday. He spat in the face of the brunette from the Blackberry Storm commercials. He always bet against Mike Vick’s dog. He smokes Newports. He anally raped Marcin Gortat. He’s the one that calls the cops if your music is too loud after 9 pm. His favorite movie is Paul Blart: Mall Cop. He’s Superman’s nemesis. The designated hitter was his idea. He killed Eddie Griffin. That smell? Joey Crawford. His favorite show is Around the Horn. He pisses on the seat. He produced Common’s Universal Mind Control. He shot Tupac. He cancelled Arrested Development. He shot Carl Landry. If it were up to Joey Crawford, the alley-oop would be outlawed. He curses the sun, and shoots songbirds with his bb gun. Anti-alcohol laws are called “blue laws” in the United States and pro-rape laws are called “Joey Crawford laws” in fundamentalist Islamic countries. Joey Crawford hates the Inside the NBA team.

Thanks for nothing, Roger Goodell

R.I.P.


So now the wedge is outlawed. Sweet. Great. Thanks. The one, ONE play in football games where I was guaranteed to see some hits is now pussified. Thanks for nothing.

What is the deal with this? The NFL now has more rules and gray areas than Sexual Harassment laws. It's absurd to think that at the highest level of a sport where men have been grinding and battling for a decade, we're going to all of a sudden remove all violence. In what universe does this make sense?

Fellow Americans (and assorted cool foreigners), we are witnessing the destruction of our greatest contribution to the human race. Tackling quarterbacks now more resembles playing Operation, what with the extra care you have to take to not collide with any of the forbidden zones (anything not covered by a vest). Virtually any hit resulting in a decleating or snotbubbles is outlawed. Catching passes over the middle is now the fancy of the weak and lazy, as opposed to be the least fun thing in the world.

Why don't you go ahead and kill Santa Claus too, Goodell?

And now. Now we're outlawing the wedge. First developed by the Romans as a tactic to punch a hole in the hearts of a defensive breach, a couple of millenia later, we're removing the last semblance of the rape and pillage history that made football great to begin with.

"Wedge" used to be a cool word, too. But now it's only going to be used in contexts referring to cheese, shoes, sex pillows and this guy.

This is how democracy dies.