Investigating the perils of unemployment

[Gawker Office]

New Reporter: Um, hello? Sir?

Gawker Editor: Whadda you want? Look, for the last time, if you have pictures of athletes' penises, just email them to AJ Daulerio. I don't want to see them anymore.

New Reporter: Um, no sir, I'm... I'm your new writer?

Editor: Hm? Oh, that's right. Have a seat. Let's see here. Graduated summa cum laude from University of Wisconsin Madison, did your graduate work at University of Chicago J-school. Not bad, not bad. What makes you think you have what it takes to make it here?

New Reporter: Well, I curated UW's arts magazine, was the editor of the newspaper there, and have had several pieces published in the Trib and Sun-Times.

Editor: CHILD'S PLAY. This. THIS. Is Gawker. NEW MEDIA. Have some goddamn respect. What we do here changes the way people look at the world. YOU SEE THIS?! MILLIONS OF HITS. We are leading the revolution, my friend, and I don't need any more idealistic mama's boys whining about the days of typewriters and wistfully pondering what it was like to be a newsman back in the day. I need a foot soldier for the front lines of the battle against the traditional forces. Can you be that foot soldier for me?

New Reporter: Yes, sir.

Editor: You're not gonna blow your finger off just to get out of duty, are you?

New Reporter: Um, no sir.

Editor: Good. Now here's what we got. People are all about this Occupy Wall Street business. They're out there, fighting the good fight. But we need the human element. I need you to go out there and show the world the victims. Too long have the unemployed remained faceless. Let's show the fat cats up in their ivory towers the damage that they're causing. Now there's a largely elusive group of people, virtually all unemployed, who are aching for an opportunity to speak up.

New Reporter: Disabled veterans?

Editor: No, you halfwit! If we had paper in this office, I'd roll some up and smack you across the mouth with it. I'm talking, of course, about NBA players. Look at this chart.

Editor: You see, these owners are trying to demonize their employees for falling profits. No matter that they have plenty of extra sources of income elsewhere, through concerts, circuses, TV deals and the like. They just want to squeeze their employees out of every cent they earn for them. IT'S JUST LIKE SLAVERY. Actually, figure out a way to work the word "slavery" into your piece. More controversy, more clicks.

New Reporter: Um, I don't really feel comfortable with--

Editor: Well what would you feel comfortable with, hm? A world where newsboys in their jaunty caps peddle newspapers for nickels apiece and there's no other avenue for people to absorb current events and opinion? Oh, we'd all like that. We'd enjoy the hell out of that. But that's not reality. This world has changed. I've had to adapt to survive. So many of my colleagues have fallen along the way. That's just the way the world is. Someday you'll understand.

New Reporter: Sir, aren't you 25 years old?

Editor: I sure am. Now get out there and bring me some sob stories about these players. And try to work a Hitler reference or two in, also. That always tends to boost traffic.

Later that day...

Reporter: Hi, with whom am I speaking?
Deron Williams: Yeah, this is Deron Williams. That's D-E-R-O-N.

Reporter: Yes sir, I'm aware of the spelling of your name.

Deron: Man, thank goodness. You wouldn't believe how many times they spell my name wrong over here in Turkey.

Reporter: I see. And what is it that you are doing in Turkey?

Deron: My job. I play over here until the NBA comes back.

Reporter: So you're not suffering any hardships of unemployment?

Deron: Hell no. I show up, cross some cats, dunk on people. Win some games, then go home. Easy money, man.

Reporter: Ah ok, well, thank you for your time.

Later...


Carmelo Anthony: Who dis?

Reporter: Hi, I'm with Gawker media.

Carmelo: Not my penis, man.

Reporter: Ha ha! Very good sir, no I'm doing a story on the hardships of unemployment for NBA players.

Carmelo: Ok, well I'm at New York's fashion week and these skinny bitches are making fun of my red pants. Shit's hard, man.

Reporter: Thank you for your time, sir.

Later...


Russell Westbrook: [Whispering] Hello? I really can't talk right now.

Baron Davis, Kevin Love, P. Diddy: SHHHHH!

Baron Davis: Tryin' to learn, cuz.

Russell Westbrook: Gotta go.

[click]

Later...

Reporter: Mr. James, can you give me some examples of how the NBA lockout has affected your life?

LeBron James: Hasn't really, I still play basketball, make commercials and give wedgies. And not necessarily in that order, YAKNOWWHATIMSAYIN? Up top!

Much later...

Reporter: I don't suppose you have a story about hardship related to the lockout do you.

Joakim Noah: Keeeeeyahhhh habbada na na!
Reporter: Fuck this.

WORST. TEAM. EVER.

This was one of the best teams last year.


This is the worst team in the history of professional basketball.


So this may be the ultimate rubbing-salty-feces-into-open-wound move, but the more the current Cleveland Cavaliers suck, the better LeBron James looks.

The team is largely the same, minus LeBron, two worthless old behemoths, and a motherfucker.

I really don't care about any other argument. Playing on that team must have sucked total balls. If there were any hope for the Cavs to win, LeBron could have convinced Danny Ferry and Dan Gilbert to get Bosh and/or Wade and/or Amare to come to Cleveland. Wade's team was really bad last year. Bosh's was worse. LeBron's was officially the worst.

You see, Danny Ferry is a racist Duke grad, and Dan Gilbert writes memos in crayon. The only thing LeBron did wrong was not re-light the Cuyahoga river on fire again.

Finally, AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU HAVE THE WORST TEAM EVER HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA.

Ron Artest's impression of Dave Chappelle's impression of Rick James always makes Kobe laugh.

"Hey Robin Lopez, what did the five fingers say to the face?!"

This picture was just entirely too great not to post. Why not make it a caption contest? Go for it.

UPDATE! MOTHERFUCKING UPDATE! Because THIS happened.

"Now you see kids, Ron did a very good thing by coming to me first to tell me that he broke the window. Thank you, Ron, now you go play with the blocks while the grown ups clean it up."

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Man. It's been a while. Sorry to all of our followers who expected more productivity from us. Not really.

Anyway. It's been a time for family and togetherness.

Wooooo! Shirtless drinkin! Ok. Let's get bizzay.

So last night, Icehouse went and saw Love and Other Drugs. The movie a) is a late 90's period piece and b) features a lot of Anne Hathaway naked. Like, a whole lot. THIS IS NOT TO SAY THAT THIS MOVIE IS ACCEPTABLE TO SEE. The nudity was simply a ploy to make guys be all, "yeah, it was awesome, there was tits." No. The tits merely linked together one unfunny scene to the next. So yeah, go see Faster starring Dwayne Johnston.

Annnnyways.

First and foremost, the year in scandals. Taiwanese animation style.


Last night LeBron went all LEBRON JAMES on the Cavs. He knew he was going to have some animosity coming into the game, but he looks pretty surprised and butthurt from Mo Williams dissing him.


And now, here's a WHOLE LOT OF PUKE.


Downhill mountain biker Brian Lopes makes me want to shit my pants by flying down this course in Whistler, British Columbia.


Here's some super fun ski crashes, in honor of the opening of the season.


This is a new meme. It has immediately endeared itself to Lattimer and myself.


Charles Bronson kills hipsters. Bout fucking time.


So yeah. Fuck this week. Punch it in the face.

IMPORTANT THINGS INVOLVING RADIO

Ron Artest happened.

After the Rockets beat the Lakers last night, Ron Artest called a radio station, impersonating Luis Scola.







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GRH Art Gallery: Family 1st Edition

[Press play]


Good evening. Welcome to the Ghost of Roy Hobbs Art Gallery. Today we feature an exhibit from one of the most enigmatic personalities of the world we occupy. We are fortunate enough to have obtained for the collection for the time being. Please. Move slowly, so as to best soak in the majesty and importance of each piece.

Oh, and don't forget to sign the visitor's book at the front desk. If you are interested, we have a very helpful e-newsletter that we... no? Ok, fine. Maybe later.

For now I give you the wonders of Ron Artest, unfiltered, unabashed, unhidden.


















Queensbridge, bitches.


FIN

Brillaince is using your fade as a canvas

This amazing infographic from howtowatchsports gives the complete rundown of the different hairstyles sported by Ron Ron during the Los Angeles Lakers championship season. Now they need to put out a book of Dennis Rodman's career.

I would just like to take the remaining space to mention that without Ron Artest,* Kobe Bryant would never have one another championship.

*'Ron Artest' may be substituted by any other member of the Laker organization. It's a team sport when you go 6-24 in game 7, homeboy.

Good for him.

I really don't get how this is THAT much different than every other press conference where someone's feelings are going to be hurt. Remember when Eliot Spitzer gave a press conference about his whoring and made his wife stand next to him? That was way worse. Maybe nobody's ever had ESPN devote an entire hour of programming to a them in such a planned fashion, but I guarantee that the last time someone had a large press conference (I'm thinking A-Rod taking steroids or Tiger Woods fucking someone who wasn't the ice-queen money-grubbing bitch he was married to), ESPN devoted just as much time for pundits, analysis, blah blah blah. LeBron's people just planned it better. It's something they're known for.

Furthermore, he's a grown ass man. He can leave if he wants to if the situation isn't optimal. Just because you were born in the area and were drafted by the team doesn't mean you have to play there for the rest of your life. Raise your hand if you are currently living in the city that you grew up in. Don't worry, I'll wait. Those of you with your hands up. Have you had opportunities to leave? Opportunities that would result in a better job, more money, more fun and better quality of life? LeBron had a choice to stay. His job would have been harder. The money would have been worse. And the living situation? Sheeeeit.

Don't like LeBron leaving Cleveland? Don't feel so butthurt for a town with bad weather, ugly people, no economic growth and a horrifying pollution problem.

It's just not a well-run business entity. The team tried to build around him, but there was ALWAYS something wrong. Donyell Marshall, Mo Williams, Boobie Gibson or Anthony Carter do not a championship team make. Bron's been there for seven years. What moves have they made that have made that team more of a threat? Shaq? Ben Wallace? Larry Fucking Hughes? Say Bron takes a pay cut so the team can add more players. Do you really have the confidence in the Cavaliers organization to spend that money correctly? More than a decade to not put something together around a two-time MVP means that I feel more pity for the incompetence than for their feelings.

The only thing I wish he would do is actively seek challenges that would improve the quality of basketball that we get to watch. Looking at the Eastern Conference landscape, all this did was turn a bad playoff team into a juggernaut playoff team and make one of the best teams in the league into one of the worst. We all have to understand that playing with friends is always better than playing with a guy who might've slept with your mom, but I feel the same twinge of disappointment as when he decided not to participate in the dunk contest over the past All-Star Weekend.

To be sure, MY complaint with his decision(s) is that it denigrates the industry product that he is the face of. Everyone else's problem with the decision is that he caused a media circus (would've happened anyway, but the ad money wouldn't have gone to the kids) and that he didn't settle for the ugly chick with the "personality." Well, to paraphrase Sweetness from He Got Game, Cleveland ain't Scarlet O'Hara, LeBron ain't Rhett Butler.

The guy made a shrewd, unpopular decision that will maximize the quality of his life. Fuck YOU if you don't like it.

Caption Contest!

More wackiness! So much wackiness! Comment your asses off! Then go visit zackstovall.com for more funny!



Walton: "Shaquille, I just wanted you to know that watching you play is like watching the ballet of planets in our solar system. You are massive in scope, but beautiful in form and function."
Shaq: [yawns] "Sorry what were you saying?"



Isiah: "I'm telling you Bill baby, it's easy money. All you gots to do is convince those chicks you coached in Detroit that you're doing them a service by providing security and peace of mind to them. You'll love the lifestyle, my man."
Laimbeer: "You're telling me pimping is the only way you'll tell me where you got that coat?"



Phelps: "What's up LeBron? We gonna party tonight?"
LeBron: "I'm going to party. We are not. Now go get me a Gatorade."

Ok. Magnificent. Yours in the comments. Get busy on them.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Good Evening, would you like to join our party?
























DA!


WOOOOO! Not my vydas, not your vydas, but Arvydas. Now it's a muhfuckin shindig.

Ok, so due to this video obliterating the internets this week, we're going to have an all music video fun bag. Gonna be fun.

First up, sumo wrasslin. Their fat. It's hypnotizing.


Sorry about that. To make up for it, here's some sexy.


Of course, there's onetime New Orleans Hornet preseason squad member, Percy Miller. Who is gay and won't let me embed his video.

Furthermore, what the fuck does Hootie and the Blowfish have to lose by me embedding this video? Huh?

Danica Patrick and Dale Jr. in a rap video is just absurd enough to be awesome.


Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan. Need I say more?


And to really get things rocking, here's the Dallas Cowboys' Marc Colombo and Leonard Davis and Justin Chapman in Free Reign.


\m/ RAWK! \m/

OK! I'm READY FOR THE WEEKEND. FUCKING FINALLY!

LeBron makes New Yorkers wet while destroying their dreams.

OMG! FUNK!

Look at Bron's face after the funk. He just thinks it's funny. I mean, it wasn't like there was any sort of defense on him. It wasn't in traffic. And the clutch? I mean, that's alright and all, but it's nothing like Vince Carter's fabled windmill-oop.

I'm just kidding. That oop was absurd.

On the whole LeBron-to-New York thing. Does anybody really believe that this is going to go through? LeBron is allowed to do anything he wants in Cleveland. Absolutely anything. He is deified on a nightly basis there, even when the NBA isn't in season. New York is the opposite of that. The constant media blitz turns even the most carefree of superstars into cynical assholes.

After burning down their roster for the insurance money time and again, it seems to be all for naught. Good luck with the draft, Knicks fans. It's probably your best bet at landing a superstar.

Caption Contest!

Ron: Ok Carlos, on three. 1... 2... 3... BREAKDANCE!

or...

Ron: Now is when I ninja kick the shit out of you. I'm hood!
Carlos: Not if I kick you first!

or...

Carlos and Ron have successfully hypnotized Joe Alexander.

Holy shit, what is happening here? Image via Team Flight Allstars

Ron Artest has written a letter to Tiger Woods.

Ron Artest has been vilified for almost a decade now. Most casual fans will only remember the Malice at the Palace. To those people, you all should just listen to what the man has to say. He keeps it real. Sometimes too real.

He has an opinion on Tiger Woods, and has decided to write an open letter to him. It is published in it's entirety below.

Dear Tiger,
In reading the statements you have made, I can tell you are a stand up guy. Please remember only Jesus is perfect. You made a mistake and you admitted your infidelity.
I have made the same mistakes. Before I got married to my wife, I had a baby with another young lady, after I already had two by my girlfriend who is now my wife. We also had another baby which makes three for us and four for me. Two boys and two girls.
My wife is a much better wife than I am a husband. We still argue and disagree after being together 16 years. and I still cope with the fact that there are so many women out there and I choose to stay loyal to my wife.
I want to be home every night, but with traveling I can't, and sometimes I might want to go to a bar or club and be one of the fellas. Most of the time I stay in, because I have my kids and wife.
I cannot sit here and say the thought to have many women has never crossed my mind. If I were Jesus I could.
I have known my wife for 16 years- since I was 14 years old.
She was my first.
On the way to 2010 we had many ups and downs on the way, mostly my fault. But I really choose to work hard and play ball to support her and my kids. The same reason you are building your legacy.
I have been disturbed by this because there are many people who are happy that this bad news has come out.
There are a lot of sports announcers and regular reporters who are not perfect in their own homes, yet they want to bring you down.
You have done so much for people, the sport of golf, and your family and you gave your wife a life that people can't even dream of.
I thought you were 36 or 37 until I read the news today. A 33-year-old man who has been a model citizen with so much at stake. This is your first publicly known issue since you started your career, compared to my 50 or more publicly known issues and mistakes.
You have been the perfect role model for me and my sons for longer than anyone I have known.
With the exception of a few legends.
As your fan, I can't wait to see you golf again.
And us athletes know how much you personally love your family.

One love,
Ron Artest
This is just a fan mail letter to Tiger Woods fans and indirectly to Tiger himself.
Please, everyone support Tiger in these tough times for his family.

Also if you are a sports announcer or regular everyday reporter or blogger please step up like Tiger and tell your wife or husband if you have any skeletons in your closet. Especially if you were one of the few attacking TIGER!!
One Love People

Ron Artest articulated my feelings on the matter better than I've been able to. Hopefully this is not the last time this happens.

Monday Morning Sh--t Storm

Ok maybe, we should have done this last week, but this Monday is just as good.

The Storm.

If athletes were Halloween candy.

So something along the lines of this.

Peyton Manning/Tom Brady/El Hombre/Lebron James and several other players are Snickers Bar.

Why? Well they are all regarded as the most popular players in their sport, much like the Snickers Bar is wildly popular throughout the world. They have everything you would want at their position. (Peanuts, Caramel, Nougat, Chocolate) When you bite into a snickers bar you know you are tasting greatness, and you watch greatness every game they play. They are the total package. However the main downfall is the over saturation of Snickers/athletes. Snickers are everywhere, and so are these elite athletes. I mean a Snickers is Snickers, and Bron is Bron. In fact outstanding performances are so commonplace that they truly have to reach out of this world greatness in order for most of us to stand up and tip our caps, which is akin to eating an ice cream Snickers.

So there you go. To keep it interesting athletes and candy can be reused and every type of Candy is in play. That means candy corn, candy apples, etc. And no, comparing a white athlete to a zero bar is not funny or original.

And you know what let's just go ahead and include teams if we want to.

Shit Storm begin.

THE NBA IS BACK

NO MORE BULLSHIT LIKE THIS! NO MORE FUCKING SPECULATION! THEY ACTUALLY PLAY BASKETBALL GAMES THAT MATTER TONIGHT!

Yes. YES. Break out your beers, pick your favorite goon-ass role-player and drink every time he does something. I call JaVale McGee (His Wizards tip off against the Mavericks at 8:30 ET. It's not on nationally).

We also get our first look at the NBA's version of Yankees-Red Sox! The first look at Shaq and LeBron (Shabron if they win, LeBraq if they lose) against the Celtics. OMG! SHEED! Rondo wants a new contract, KG says he's healthy, Paul Pierce still thinks he's the best player in the world, Glen "Big Baby" Davis is out indefinitely after breaking his thumb in a fight, and Jesus Shuttlesworth is himself. DID I MENTION THAT RASHEED WALLACE IS ON THAT TEAM?!

The Clippers get to begin their existential blight of a season without #1 pick Blake Griffin, since he broke his kneecap. Still gotta tune in to the late game, though. They're playing Kobe, Pau, Lamar, RON GODDAMN ARTEST and the rest of the Kardashians.

Elsewhere in Fox Sports local land, we have the playoff match up of the Rockets and Blazers. Lamarcus Aldridge just signed a big extension for the boys from PDX. Tracy McGrady and Yao better pray that Trevor Ariza is half as good as Artest was for them, or they could be looking at not even making the post season.

YES! SPORTS ON TV DURING THE WEEK!

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

I have been on an Odom rampage lately. Since his bachelor party was quite mercifully shut down, I've decided to throw up a picture of him and Busta Rhymes kickin' it.

Anyways, let's get down to the nitty gritty.

First of all, here's something crazy Prince did for one of the Batman movies once upon a time. Those original Batman movies are now having their asses kicked nightly in my memory by the new Batman movies.

Prince - Batdance (1989) sélectionné dans Musique et Clips

Dwight versus Dwight? Sounds like another winner from the NBA on TNT.


Andre Iguodala, Rashard Lewis, Mo Williams and Kevin Durant are GRH favorites. Off the court, they are just as fly. I give you the Hyperizers.


LeBron was on the View. For... some reason.


And finally, because Dave Matthews Band sucks. That's right, I said it.

Caption Contest!

LeBron: "Hey Jay-Z! Can I go to the Cowboys instead?"

or...

LeBron is excited after perfecting what will surely be the winning Dunk of this year's Dunk Contest.

or...

LeBron: "Check me out! I look HUUUUUUUGE on that TV!"

Wow. I should have been able to do better than that. Maybe you guys can. It's Bron in the new Cowboys Stadium.

Mond......Tuesday Morning S--t Storm

Hopefully everyone had a wonderful weekend, I know I did. Sorry about the storm yesterday we got a little mixed up but we'll try to make it up to you today.

The topic: Misunderstood athletes.

I'll give you a little example. Icehouse and I were talking about the whole Shockey incident over the weekend. Now personally I think Shockey is a huge asshole, but you can't deny the effort and ability he brings to the field. However, most of the media portrays him as a selfish, over-rated jackass.


So basically what we are looking for is an athlete who has a disconnect between their perceived perception and on field performance.

First example:
Ron Artest. Artest will never live down the Rumble in the Palace, and rightfully so. (although nobody really knows how they would react in that situation) However, I always felt like Artest busted his ass on the court and was a vital asset to any team. I'd also like you to look at this video.


In my semi-professional opinion this is a classic case of ADHD. Yeah, we currently over-diagnose this condition, but damn.

Another good example is Mike Vick. I think we all know the public perception of Vick, but the guy has no concern for his body. He just wants to score and win.



The examples I just threw up were guys who were perceived as bad people, but good players. Icehouse pointed out that this could work in the exact opposite way. That is, players who are viewed as gods, but are complete assholes. See Favre, Brett.

Tuesday Storm Begin.

NBA Playoffs: Conference Finals

Dwight: I can haz?
Kobe and LeBron: No.

At the risk of sounding like I've become part of the hype machine, I'm just going to go ahead and say it. Kobe and Bron in the finals. I want the Nuggets to beat the Lakers, I really do, but think about what it would deprive us of. This would be the match-up of the century. Abysmal muppet commercials aside, Kobe-Bron would be destined for the same conversation as Wilt-Bill.

They are the two best players in the world. They are the best players on the two best teams in the league. It's been meant to be since before the season started.

Kobe and LeBron are at the top of the games, and yet, are polar opposites. One grew up rich playing hoops with his pro baller dad. One grew up poor and never knew his dad. One's substantially older. One forced a trade from the team that drafted him, while the other has embraced his hometown team and will [most likely] never leave. One's a jokester, one seems aloof and standoffish. One's image is untarnished, the other's is unfortunately synonymous with anal rape. They are their own doppelgangers, the yin to the other's yang.

But look how they've gotten to where they are presently, this season. One rains sixty in the World's Most Famous Arena, the next one shows up and drops a 52-point triple-double. They both flush 40-ft buzzer beaters like they could care less.

Currently, Kobe just put up 40 points over the West's second-best player's 39 to take the 1-0 lead over the Sticky Nuggs (please win, Nuggets. Please?). As I type, Bron is going up against the best Center in the league, and the East's third best player. His last four-possession stretch went like this: Bron blocks Rashard Lewis; Bron thunders home a dunk; Bron blocks Dwight Howard; Bron hits a three.

As far as teams go, I want the Nuggets and Cavs to win.

But as a fan...

Join me or Die. Can you do any less?

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Bout time. Man. Look at Delonte. That's what I looked like yesterday. Just sad.

But no more! No it's time to go and rock! Yes! Not only that, but I'm going to go rock with one of the biggest haters this side of the Mississippi.

So anyways. Let's get to the funbagging.

Not all black people are great at dancing. That is all.


If you get sent a link that involves the words "Flutebox" and "Beardyman," you click on it.


So Wolverine looks pretty good. I probably won't see it, since it seems like I don't see movies in theaters anymore, but this guy helped me out.


Holy ass. I like to look back at how wack we thought "the NBA: Where Amazing Happens" was going to be. Man was I wrong. Turns out these guys were on to something. Not only have the commercials been great, they keep getting better. Example 1:


And in case you missed it last night, this happened.


Sweet. It's gonna be a good weekend. I can feel it.