Recycled Post: Dallas Has Gotten Considerably Uglier and Stupider

Icehouse wrote this post last year. Some of it is specific to the 2009 Red River Shootout, but most of it is still relevant. Enjoy.

Yeah. Oklahoma fans remind me of the McPoyles.

So the Red River Shootout is this weekend. I live in Dallas (against my wishes), and the city has been overrun in the past 36 hours with the Oklahoma faithful. They are a bunch of weird fucks, that's for sure.

Yeah, I know I'm a homer. No, I don't care. But looking at these people objectively, there is something off about them. They're just... I don't know. I'm sure they're nice, I'm sure they're good people on the inside. I wouldn't invite them to any party I was throwing, is all.

Their mascot is the Sooner. As in, the people that settled Oklahoma got to the land "sooner" than everyone else. One things: Oklahoma became a state in 1907. Yeah. 1907. As in, Seventy-one years AFTER Texas became its own country. These guys are first and foremost, later than the surrounding settlers. Second of all, they're some fucking quitters. You dipshits stopped your covered wagons in Oklahoma? Were you aware that Colorado was the next state over? Then Utah, California, the Pacific Ocean, and a whole host of other places that are nicer to live than Oklahoma?

And don't get me started on the 'horns down' hand signal. It's just retarded. However, I would like to thank OU fans for the money they give Texas when they purchase Longhorn stickers for the sole purpose of putting them upside down on their not-as-jacked-up trucks.

About the game, specifically. Disney is going balls out to talk about how awesome it is that Colt McCoy and Sam Bradford are buddies.

That's all well and good, I'm all for friendship and peace. But, I DON'T WANT MY QUARTERBACK FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY! This is war, son! You need that killer instinct! You need to be putting your facemask on someone's chin without hesitation! You need to fire with dead-eye accuracy and without remorse, just like when you shoot varmints!

I hate this weekend.

Good for him.

I really don't get how this is THAT much different than every other press conference where someone's feelings are going to be hurt. Remember when Eliot Spitzer gave a press conference about his whoring and made his wife stand next to him? That was way worse. Maybe nobody's ever had ESPN devote an entire hour of programming to a them in such a planned fashion, but I guarantee that the last time someone had a large press conference (I'm thinking A-Rod taking steroids or Tiger Woods fucking someone who wasn't the ice-queen money-grubbing bitch he was married to), ESPN devoted just as much time for pundits, analysis, blah blah blah. LeBron's people just planned it better. It's something they're known for.

Furthermore, he's a grown ass man. He can leave if he wants to if the situation isn't optimal. Just because you were born in the area and were drafted by the team doesn't mean you have to play there for the rest of your life. Raise your hand if you are currently living in the city that you grew up in. Don't worry, I'll wait. Those of you with your hands up. Have you had opportunities to leave? Opportunities that would result in a better job, more money, more fun and better quality of life? LeBron had a choice to stay. His job would have been harder. The money would have been worse. And the living situation? Sheeeeit.

Don't like LeBron leaving Cleveland? Don't feel so butthurt for a town with bad weather, ugly people, no economic growth and a horrifying pollution problem.

It's just not a well-run business entity. The team tried to build around him, but there was ALWAYS something wrong. Donyell Marshall, Mo Williams, Boobie Gibson or Anthony Carter do not a championship team make. Bron's been there for seven years. What moves have they made that have made that team more of a threat? Shaq? Ben Wallace? Larry Fucking Hughes? Say Bron takes a pay cut so the team can add more players. Do you really have the confidence in the Cavaliers organization to spend that money correctly? More than a decade to not put something together around a two-time MVP means that I feel more pity for the incompetence than for their feelings.

The only thing I wish he would do is actively seek challenges that would improve the quality of basketball that we get to watch. Looking at the Eastern Conference landscape, all this did was turn a bad playoff team into a juggernaut playoff team and make one of the best teams in the league into one of the worst. We all have to understand that playing with friends is always better than playing with a guy who might've slept with your mom, but I feel the same twinge of disappointment as when he decided not to participate in the dunk contest over the past All-Star Weekend.

To be sure, MY complaint with his decision(s) is that it denigrates the industry product that he is the face of. Everyone else's problem with the decision is that he caused a media circus (would've happened anyway, but the ad money wouldn't have gone to the kids) and that he didn't settle for the ugly chick with the "personality." Well, to paraphrase Sweetness from He Got Game, Cleveland ain't Scarlet O'Hara, LeBron ain't Rhett Butler.

The guy made a shrewd, unpopular decision that will maximize the quality of his life. Fuck YOU if you don't like it.

Pats fans: lost at sea

Ay! You facking moolies needed a picture to perfectly encapsulate the glorious Patriots franchise? Well here it is.

Look! Our mast is broken! That means that we will go no further than we've already gone. We are now just drifting while the rest of the AFC East gets younger and better.

And look at our jerseys! Vrabel, Brady... and #2? Who the fack is that? Flutie? We would rather root for a white person than anybody that actually PLAYS FOOTBALL!

Fack! My Camel Crushes got wet.

Image via

OMG! DOUBLE FUNK!

ThreeTwo reasons for posting:

1.) Wanted to beat Icehouse to it. What, just because he's taller, more athletic, actually plays and actually follows the sport, he's the only one who gets to blog about it? Zounds!

2.) It's awesome. That's simple enough.

3.) Nothing gets me going like two athletic guys dangling in the air by their hands and rubbing their nubile bodies against one another like so.

TWO REASONS. TWO MEN. ONE DUNK.

OMG! FUNNK!

Congratulations, Fuckfaces.

We're really proud of you. Way to go. Your athletic fandom has meaning. I would also like to thank you, Duke fans, for making the world hate what has been a more likable Duke team than usual. Because of you, a new generation of Duke haters has been born.

You see, Duke hasn't won a tournament since 2001. It's high time that we remind a generation of kids that Duke fans are the unclean of the sports fans. They are not to be touched.

In addition to being the world's finest collection of grade-grubbing douchebags, they are also silver spoon classless cumstains. Exhibit A.

Yeah, real clever. Duke fans are so pitifully annoying that they make Butler students look cool and attractive. Students that attend a university I've never heard of that's based in Indianapolis. That's hard, man. Really hard.

Seriously, who would you rather party with? Definitely this guy.

Take a look at the Duke roster. You're looking at the coolest that Duke has to offer. Seriously. Jon Scheyer is the coolest that Duke has to offer, and I'm fairly certain that he makes those goon-ass faces during sex. If he had sex. Which he doesn't. On a side note, Butler coach Brad Stevens gets way more ass than the rest of the Duke team. I'm sure Coach K got elbow-deep in some Chinese tang in the summer of 2008, but back stateside, he's still married to that dude.

Which brings me back to you pimply fuckfaces at Duke. Being smart and going to a good school is admirable. But see how many friends being elitist about it earns you. People that go to the best schools in the country (not Duke) are nervous about revealing this fact, due to the stigma attached to it. In a Blue Devil's astigmatism-afflicted eyes, this stigma is a good thing.

So, we have social reject, ugly, and being an arrogant prick about it. What do you have? Oh! The "Cameron Crazies!" Duke fans must be crazy, right? Did they riot last night? No. No riot = not crazy fans. This really comes as no surprise. If you're not bold enough to take your socks off to have sex, you're probably not bold enough to light a campus police cruiser on fire.

Furthermore, I'm not sure who's delusional enough to do this, but don't even try with saying that it's a nice place to go to school. Calling Durham a shithole would be disrespectful to anuses everywhere.

So yeah. Have fun with this victory, Duke fans. Soon you will face the real world, where like every Duke player not named Danny Ferry, you will fail. Enjoy regaling your local bartender with the story about how you totally skipped out on your physics study group to watch the 2010 National Championship on Coack K court. He'll be really impressed.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Hmmmm.

Hmmmmmmmm.

Hmmmmmm-wha-hey!

How are y'all doing? Sorry, I just kind of zoned out for a second. Not like it matters though. OK. OK! We ready for the weekend or what? I know I am. It's going to be a good one, that's for sure.

Let's get to the videos.

So I know I've been all over Julia Mancuso for some time now, but check it out. She wins a couple of medals in the Olympics, finishes out the World Cup tour, and then... competes in an extreme skiing competition. Does she get more bad ass? I posit no.


And is it a wonder why white people like Lil' Wayne so much? Just give this a listen. Jim and Pam would be proud.


I meant to post this last week, but we all know how that went. Still awesome.


And what do you do if your nickname is Mo Pete? That's right. Make a Less Pete.


So, over SXSW, Bill Murray was partying with the RZA (which actually happens a lot more than you would think). Then he started bartending. Game for this video: drink every time you see a hipster.


Yes. The sun is shining ALL OVER THE COUNTRY! GO OUTSIDE, ASSBAGS!

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Boris is ready to party.

Because when you're a fat, lazy Frenchman, you may as well go shirtless, too.

This week has sucked royally. All freaking week I've been looking forward to today. And it's finally here. WOOOOOOO!

First up, we have something to fulfill everyone's aquatic bloodlust.


Next up, some innovative hicktards go waterskiing.


Moving on, if you don't like Commando, you can go get fucked. Commando rap, go!


The title to this video is quite misleading, since nobody dies, but it's still pretty fucking awesome.


And finally, although it's old, I find it hilarious. From the inimitable Uproxx, we have the 20 best 5-second movies.


Yes. YES. Dallas holds St. Patrick's day tomorrow, so I'm ready to get funky. See y'all next week.

And Lattimer will be sending out invites to our NCAA Brackets soon, so stay tuned.

America's Forgotten Athletes Finally Get Their Due

Everybody has already heard about this absurdity, but it bears mentioning here. The All-American Basketball Alliance, an all-naturally born Caucasian basketball league has been formed. As much of a juxtaposition as anything, these people are really serious about taking any and all fun out of one of the most organic sports that exists.

I would also like to point out that Augusta, GA is the only confirmed home city thus far. If you encounter a resident of Augusta that wonders what they did to deserve this plight, please remind them of their golf course and slap them.

For your reading pleasure, commissioner Don "Moose" Lewis' arguments in favor of the league, FJM-styled.

"Only players that are natural born United States citizens with both parents of Caucasian race are eligible to play in the league."
No ruffians like ZaZa Pachulia!

"There's nothing hatred about what we're doing,"
Grammatically incorrect lying.

"I don't hate anyone of color."
Just lying.

"But people of white, American-born citizens are in the minority now."
Grammatically incorrect, and untrue.

"Here's a league for white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like."
Grayson Boucher begs to differ.

"Would you want to go to the game and worry about a player flipping you off or attacking you in the stands or grabbing their crotch?"
Players attacking fans in the stands (with one exception) is strictly a hockey phenomenon, and is limited to white players. The flipping off of fans is strictly a football phenomenon, and it crosses race lines. Until I was 14, I thought that they kept crotchgrabbing stats in baseball.

"That's the culture today, and in a free country we should have the right to move ourselves in a better direction."
"Better" means segregation here, apparently. From my research, any time that races mix, something good happens.

"We need a local person ingrained into the community to make this successful."
Ask Hootie Johnson. If he says no, then it turns out you need a time machine.

"People will come out and support a product they can identify with."
Such a product exists. It's called the WNBA, and is well-known for having financial troubles linked to pitiful attendance.

"I'm the spoken minority right now..."
Still grammatically incorrect, and still untrue.

"...but if people will give us a chance, it'll work."
Here is where I would like to point out that this league's goal is not to create a financially solvent, respected enterprise, but rather to incite anger and division between people. In this regard, this statement is factually correct.

"The white game of basketball, which is essentially a fundamental game, works."
Joe Johnson is one of the most fundamentally-sound players in the world. He plays in Atlanta, and is not white.

But yeah, you're right. Georgians are aching for something more fun to watch than this.

OMG! 100 FUNKS!

This clownish travesty made headlines this week, purely because of how absurd it is. Everybody had a good laugh, since that's all you can really do with something this sad.

Luckily for everyone, this will probably be the last we hear of it.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

You KNOW Birdman is fixin' to party. Heeeeellls yeah.

This week was crazy kinds of long. Completely upsetting, really. I'm ready to BuFu this week. IN THE FACE.

Bitchin.

OK, let's get to some vids.

First and foremost, this is some great camera work for some naughtysauce biking in Whistler. I will now point out that the Olympics will be in Whistler, and I'm mad jealous of anybody up there right now.


Bill Walton is gangster. And loves gin, apparently.


Colby West is weird and hilarious.

Colby West on Denver News Channel from Mike Thomas on Vimeo.

I've never really watched lost. But man, are their fans some weird fucks.

via Warming Glow

Remember: Tiger Woods fucks bitches.


Time to rock. The final countdown of the week, if you will.


I'm inviting MacGuyver to parties at my house from here on out.


And, because all fan rap videos are horrible, here's this. I do like that they rhyme "Masoli" with "E. Coli" though. I got a kick out of that.

I Smell Roses @ Yahoo!7 Video

OK. Big bag. I'm liking it. Let's get it y'all. Time to party.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Kobe and Ron. They totally want to make out.

Shit. It's on now. Shit could get crazy. CRAZY I SAY. Ok. On with it.

First up, we have Ghostface reading us a ghost story. BECAUSE IT'S HALLOWEEN! THE GAYEST OF THE FAKE HOLIDAYS.


In America, Batman prevents crime. In France, Manbat commits crimes.


There will be a class taught at Harvard next year on season 4 of the Wire. In honor of that, we give you Omar Little.


More Halloween awesomeness. More from Warming Glow.


The Wizards have way too much flavor. They are awesome.


And in the HolySHIT of all HolySHITs this week, Ron Artest raps about Afghan Women. Ron Artest is just the best. The world is better for him.


YES! TIME TO PARTY!

Dallas Has Gotten Considerably Uglier and Stupider

Yeah. Oklahoma fans remind me of the McPoyles.

So the Red River Shootout is this weekend. I live in Dallas (against my wishes), and the city has been overrun in the past 36 hours with the Oklahoma faithful. They are a bunch of weird fucks, that's for sure.

Yeah, I know I'm a homer. No, I don't care. But looking at these people objectively, there is something off about them. They're just... I don't know. I'm sure they're nice, I'm sure they're good people on the inside. I wouldn't invite them to any party I was throwing, is all.

Their mascot is the Sooner. As in, the people that settled Oklahoma got to the land "sooner" than everyone else. One things: Oklahoma became a state in 1907. Yeah. 1907. As in, Seventy-one years AFTER Texas became its own country. These guys are first and foremost, later than the surrounding settlers. Second of all, they're some fucking quitters. You dipshits stopped your covered wagons in Oklahoma? Were you aware that Colorado was the next state over? Then Utah, California, the Pacific Ocean, and a whole host of other places that are nicer to live than Oklahoma?

And don't get me started on the 'horns down' hand signal. It's just retarded. However, I would like to thank OU fans for the money they give Texas when they purchase Longhorn stickers for the sole purpose of putting them upside down on their not-as-jacked-up trucks.

About the game, specifically. Disney is going balls out to talk about how awesome it is that Colt McCoy and Sam Bradford are buddies.

That's all well and good, I'm all for friendship and peace. But, I DON'T WANT MY QUARTERBACK FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY! This is war, son! You need that killer instinct! You need to be putting your facemask on someone's chin without hesitation! You need to fire with dead-eye accuracy and without remorse, just like when you shoot varmints!

I hate this weekend.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

I have been on an Odom rampage lately. Since his bachelor party was quite mercifully shut down, I've decided to throw up a picture of him and Busta Rhymes kickin' it.

Anyways, let's get down to the nitty gritty.

First of all, here's something crazy Prince did for one of the Batman movies once upon a time. Those original Batman movies are now having their asses kicked nightly in my memory by the new Batman movies.

Prince - Batdance (1989) sélectionné dans Musique et Clips

Dwight versus Dwight? Sounds like another winner from the NBA on TNT.


Andre Iguodala, Rashard Lewis, Mo Williams and Kevin Durant are GRH favorites. Off the court, they are just as fly. I give you the Hyperizers.


LeBron was on the View. For... some reason.


And finally, because Dave Matthews Band sucks. That's right, I said it.

Caption Contest!

"What do we want?"
"A black quarterback!"
"When do we want it?"
"NOW!"
"wait..."

or...

"Screw dogfighting, we wants some HOGfighting!"

or...

"Vick would be awesome on the DC United!"

Vick and the skins. Enjoy.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

We've been talking about doing this for a while and I think it's time to bring it out.

Best athlete sighting in public.

Pretty straight forward, give us a story of an athlete you saw in public.

Mine?



I saw Rick Ankiel in a hotel one time.

Nothing too special, we were walking around trying to find our way out when I looked up and there was slick Rick with his hot ass girlfriend. He looked at me. I pointed to him and said "You're Rick Ankiel."

He then took his girlfriend by the hand and quickly left the building.

I have some other ones, I'm sure you do as well.

Storm begin.