Showing posts with label Icehouse talks in the third person. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Icehouse talks in the third person. Show all posts

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Demarcus gets drafted

Demarcus Cousins: Dave! Hey, it's me, Demarcus! Great to finally meet you!

I can't tell you how excited I am. I've been dreaming of this moment my entire life. So who's going to pay me to play basketball?

Sacawhat?

Sacramento. Nope. Never heard of it. Is it in Alabama? Hm. Is it in Kentucky? Well where...? California! Shit yes! I'm going to Hollywood!

Oh. Not near Hollywood. Wait, there's a NORTHERN California? Shit yes! I can finally wear this hat I found.

Bitchin'. I've been wanting to put this fuzzy thing on my head ever since I swerved to miss it because I thought it was a dog on the highway. I think I'm going to like Sacramento. Apparently they let basketball players run the city there.

So who do I get to play with?

/Looks at roster

Hmmm. Never heard of most of these guys. Well, except for Tyreke. Coach Cal always talked about him. You know, some of these guys look a little fat. I'm worried about the conditioning program of these so-called "Kings."

/ripples in water glass
//table starts shaking
///ground starts rumbling
////Sean May bursts through wall

Sean May: 'Sup, bitch? Rookie hazing starts today. Go and get me a box of donuts, some cheese straws, and two bags of funyuns. Oh, and a six pack of root beer. I'll be on my bean bag chair, just come and find me.

Demarcus: Well, I at least hope the owners are nice.


Oh... Ummmm. Aw, shit.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

OMG! DOUBLE FUNK!



ThreeTwo reasons for posting:

1.) Wanted to beat Icehouse to it. What, just because he's taller, more athletic, actually plays and actually follows the sport, he's the only one who gets to blog about it? Zounds!

2.) It's awesome. That's simple enough.

3.) Nothing gets me going like two athletic guys dangling in the air by their hands and rubbing their nubile bodies against one another like so.

TWO REASONS. TWO MEN. ONE DUNK.

OMG! FUNNK!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Caption Contest!

Everybody get excited for Wednesday! Hilarious photos need captioning!

First, Bill Belichick and Josh McDaniel disagree about something. They're probably arguing about which toilet seats are the most fun to piss on.


Next, Lou Piniella wants a hug. Or a better call. Can't tell.


And finally, Detlef Schrempf gets an earful from Dennis Rodman.


Caption that shit. Sound good? You guys do the dirty work. I'm busy.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

What's up. Shaq has a panda.



Whoa, hey, what's going on here?

Nothing to see here, just Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Gerard Pique of FC Barcelona talking something over. Talking very breathily... and... ok yeah, they're gay.

Whatever. Shaq has a panda. That's all we need to know.


WOOOO! FUCKING FRIDAY! I was supposed to work in Austin today. But no go, so I was going to leave early this afternoon instead. Guess where I am? Yeah, that's right. In the fucking office in Dallas. GOD DAMN IT. Fuck it. Let's fun bag.

First of all, here's South African hip hop group Die Antwoord with their new single, Enter the Ninja.

Weird, huh? Yeah, I'm starting to rethink having the World Cup there.

Last week I talked some smack about the Kentucky Derby. These next two videos are to make up for that.

First we have Rick Ross and John Legend with a song about horses or something.


And next, the most exciting run that happens at the Derby.


In Boston, "to Rondo" is now a verb.


And because the Boondocks have returned.


Amir Johnson is better at impersonating Andre 3000 than he is at playing basketball.


That's it for today, assbags. Take it easy.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

"Who's ready to get fucked?!"


Yeah, I'm back, bitches!

Did you pansies have fun piddling around with each other while daddy was gone? I sure hope you did, because that shit is over and done with, faggots. Tiger is back, and he is ready to fuck all of you.

You see this shaft right here? It's just aching to smack you guys in the face for doubting me. These balls? Well, let me tell you, I'm going to put these balls places that you only WISH you could put your balls.

You're going to be in awe of what I'm about to do. I'll hook you, fade you, make that shit BITE! I'm going to start of ravenous on the front, but just you WAIT until I get to the backside.

Sure, try and handicap Tiger. Just shows how scared you are of this beast. You think backing me up is going to prevent me from muscling myself in exactly where I want? You forgot how long and accurate I am. Foolish of you.

I'm not fucking around with any of the untrimmed stuff, either. I'm putting it right where I want it. In the trimmed and manicured or get the fuck out, YAKNOWWHATIMSAYING?!

NO ONE SWINGS LIKE TIGER!!!

Wait, wait, that came out wrong. Let me start over...

[Image via WithLeather]

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Fancy that! We get to keep playing!


Fit like min, hey? This Aberdonian is bonnie like it's hogmanay!

Many a bas blethered that we would not make it this far. FUCKLE to the neaps whose brackets we 'ave boosted. FUCKLE TO ALL THE NEAPS I SAY! The bams from Kansas dinna deserve to get to the sweet sixteen. They received naught from their moorish twins and young Xavier. Oh, and Sharron is a prat.

They put up a wee rammy, but twasn't mooch erefore we were quaffing with the quines back at the pub. Oh, how the bonnie quines let their petticoats fall at the sight of mine visage!

You better can your havering ere Fryday, when put a knuck in the gob of those Spartans fae Michigan State. Faur will you be? At your mum's painting your wee nails, you ladymen!

HARHARHARHARHARHARHARHARHAR!

Raise your pints to the Northern Iowa Panthers!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Souls forever entertwined.

On this date in 1997, Notorious B.I.G. passed away.

But of course, this wasn't the only significant thing that happened on this date in history. For instance, today also happens to be the birthday of Julia Mancuso.

Whassup, baby? You're looking good, as always.

But other things have also happened on this date. Let's take a journey through the athletes and other luminaries born on March 9th, shall we?

-1934 – Yuri Gagarin, The first human in space
-1936 – Tom Sestak, American football player
-1940 – Raúl Juliá, Puerto Rican actor
-1943 – Bobby Fischer, American chess player
-1945 – Dennis Rader, American serial killer
-1950 – Doug Ault, American baseball player
-1956 – Mark Dantonio, Michigan State football coach
-1961 – Mike Leach, Unemployed football coach
-1961 – Robert Rechsteiner (AKA Rick Steiner), American wrestler
-1961 – Darrell Walker, American basketball player
-1963 – Terry Mulholland, American baseball player
-1965 – Brian Bosworth, American football player
-1965 – Benito Santiago, Puerto Rican baseball player
-1969 – Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf, American basketball player
-1971 – C-Murder, American rapper
-1973 – Aaron Boone, American baseball player
-1977 – Yamila Diaz, Argentine supermodel
-1980 – Chingy, American rapper
-1981 – Antonio Bryant, American football player
-1983 – Clint Dempsey, American footballer
-1983 – Wayne Simien, NBA Champion
-1987 – Bow Wow, American rapper and actor

A lot of wacky stuff went down today. If I missed anything notable, let me know in the comments.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Hispanic Heritage Funk

DIOS MIO! FUNK!

Carmelo Anthony's father is Puerto Rican. He has the Puerto Rican flag tattooed on his hand.

Of course, if you ask Paul Milsap about it, he may just break down crying. Seriously, a stupid lob pass gets ganked and a second later the thief crams on your ass? Yeah. That's an unfortunate turn of events.

So the sticky Nuggs are awesome, because of stuff like that. I'm starting the chant now. Melo for MVP. Melo is a Valuable Puertorriqueño. Shit yeah.

Friday, October 23, 2009

F*ck off, we're busy

It's on now, motherfuckers.

So, we may have a new writer coming, who could possibly keep a D1 basketball player's views on life.

No fun bag today, y'all. We're busy. Busy partying. Normally we wait til the end of the day to party. Not today. Today we party now.

Monday, July 20, 2009

GRH On Location: Mexico v. Haiti

They should have sent a poet. They sent Icehouse instead.

GRH On Location. Quarterfinals, Concacaf Gold Cup.

From my office, I have watched this damn thing be built. I’ve been dreaming about it for more than a year now. Opportunities have existed to go to it. Tours have been available. George Strait performed there. Heck, the Jonas Brothers have been in this stadium already. But like the Jonas Brothers, I wanted my first time to mean something. Something real.

Then comes the Concacaf Gold Cup. Two quarterfinals games to be played in Cowboys Stadium. I’m not going to lie here, the Gold Cup isn’t the best footy in the world. Any players that are on European club sides are nowhere to be found. What you end up with are bunch of dudes that are playing for both a bigger rep and national pride; two things that make for a slugfest.

That all pales in comparison to one fact: Cowboys Stadium is mankind’s greatest edifice. It is a palatial playground of kings. It is an offering to God, with a caveat. It says, ‘you may be the creator of all things natural, but THIS IS OURS.’

Going to soccer games, like every sporting event, are great communal activities, where you can join with your neighbors and scream your guts out. I don’t think I need to remind our readers that soccer isn’t the biggest sport in the United States. The MLS is a fledgling underleague, and Team USA, despite recent success, only drew around 30,000 to the Lincoln Financial Field in Philadelphia for their Saturday night victory. Mexico, on the other hand, loves them some fútbol. They always come out en masse. Check the tape of any recent Mexico v. USA game. Off the top of my head, games in Chicago, San Diego, Salt Lake and Houston all featured heavily Mexican fanbases. I would like to take this opportunity to point out that it is fucking pathetic when one nation’s fans show up more than the home nations. FIX YO FANDOM, AMERICA!

Having said that, the game on Sunday was in Texas, which was founded by Mexico, and was a veritable Mexican home game. HOLYSHIT. You like sports, motherfucker? Do you? Because you have to love the shit out of sport to go to Los Tri soccer game. This was my first international cap of any kind, though I did have the good fortune of falling in with the Deportivo Cruz Azul crowd back when the Icehouse was Casahielo and hung his hat down south.

Anyways, these cats love their country, and they love this sport. They were all abouts it. There were 82,252 in attendance for this event. That’s right. I said it. They came to rock, too. From my rough estimation, there were:
• 65.63% - Los Tri gear
• 34.35% - various Professional Mexican gear
• 00.02% - Cowboys gear (it’s a home game. Y’heard?)
• 1 pink polo, worn by Trae, my accomplice


One of the best parts about this crowd is that they love ‘The Wave.’ I love ‘the wave.’ It’s probably my favorite fan gathering phenomenon. They love it more than I do, possibly. There were people in my section that were actually cheering in anticipation of the ripple effect of standing and screaming arriving. Imagine a slow crescendo of “hey…hey…hey…Hey. Hey. Hey. HEYHEYHEY WOOOOOO!” It was fucking great.

As for the game itself, it was pretty great. The first goal came off of a rebound from a botched stutter-step of a PK.

Miguel Sabah charged and flushed.

The second goal came from one of Mexico’s youngsters. Giovani dos Santos turned with his left foot and drained one in the upper 90. It was fabulous. Sabah scored again with a flying header off of a corner in the second half. But then, in the 82nd minute, substitute Pablo Barrera blasted a one-timer off his right hoof into Haiti’s net for a righteous goal that sent me and the drunks around me into quite the tizzy.

At the 75th minute, I began to see paper airplanes rain down out of the upper deck. Then more. Then a whole lot more. Then more than paper airplanes than I thought were possible. This was also around the time that Trae bought a delicious cheese steak. The food and drink at Cowboys Stadium, while expensive yet on par with virtually every other pro arena, were righteous.

Leaving the stadium, there were carts selling wares that were more indicative of Mexico than Arlington, which just added to the flavor. Getting out was easy enough, but there seemed to be a large amount of people that seemed to be congregating at or near the underside of bridges. Trae referred to them as the ‘bridge and tunnel crowd.’ I guffawed heartily.

All in all, pretty successful. I loved every second of it. The next step is getting Stovall down here for the Texas A&M v. Arkansas game.