English Keeper Robert Green Lasered Into Several Pieces by Time Traveling Vigilante

CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA - Robert Green, a goal keeper for the English World Cup Team, has been shot with a high-powered laser beam by a time traveling vigilante known only as McTred, leaving Green in several separate pieces of charred flesh and ash.

"You know how in those American films Terminator and Back to the Future[Part II], people are always going back in time to fix some sort of catastrophe in the future?" explained English midfielder Shaun Wright-Phillips. "This chap comes runnin' out of a inter-dimensional vortex, and wham-o. There goes Greenie. Must've done something real bad."

Green will therefore be unavailable for the match against Team USA, scheduled for Saturday, as being the only player to use his hands, he has none left.

English Defender Ledley King Impaled By Shards of Broken Glass After Running with Boxful of Broken Glass

CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA - English defender Ledley King was tragically impaled by thousands of shards of broken glass of varying sizes and girth after picking up a large and cumbersome box that was heavily filled to the brim with the aforementioned, already broken pieces of glass.

"Led's one of the fastest, hardest-working guys on the whole squad," said English midfielder Shaun Wright-Phillips. "When he saw that big cardboard box that had 'BROKN GLASS' on it in the middle of our practice facility, he went right for it, tried to move as quickly as possible. Then he tripped over his own left foot and, oh my, what a mess."

This makes King ineligible for the match against the United States on Saturday, as he'll be undergoing a week-long, extremely painful glass removal surgery, as soon as proper recycling authorities are found to take the glass afterward.

English Midfielder James Milner Accidentally Stabs Self In Anus With Lawn Dart

CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA - James Milner, midfielder for Team England in this year's World Cup, accidentally stabbed himself in the anus while attempting an ill-planned maneuver during a friendly game of lawn darts with his fellow squad mates.

"Well, you know how sometimes footy players will try and do a front-handspring, but where they use that momentum to throw the ball really far?" explained fellow midfielder Shaun Wright-Phillips. "He tried to do that, but with a lawn dart instead, and failed epically, the end result being a lawn dart up my mate's rear."

Milner will therefore be unavailable for the World Cup match against the United States, as game time will be at or near the gauze will be carefully detached from the wound, as they have already begun to become grafted to the still-healing skin in and around the anus.