TELL ME WHAT IS UP IN THE NAME OF GLORIOUS LEADER

SALUTATIONS, CAPITALIST DRONES. I, JONG TAE-SE HAVE BEEN DECIDED BY THE GLORIOUS LEADER KIM JONG-IL TO ADDRESS YOU.

HOW ARE YOUR PITHY LIVES OUTSIDE OF PARADISE? SATISFACTORY, I HOPE, BUT I KNOW THAT YOUR LIVES ARE MEANINGLESS WITHOUT THE SUNSHINE AND HAPPINESS BESTOWED BY KIM JONG-IL, DEFENDER OF THE PEOPLE. SURE, YOU MAY ATTEMPT TO FILL THAT VOID WITH "FREE WILL," "RELIGION," AND "LARGE BREASTED WOMEN," BUT WE ALL KNOW THESE ATTEMPTS ARE FUTILE AND YOU ALL WILL FAIL!

CRUMBLE BEFORE MY MIGHT!

GLORIOUS LEADER HAS ALLOWED ME TO TAKE MY FOOTBALLING CAREER TO THE SECOND GREATEST LEAGUE IN THE WORLD, JAPAN'S J-LEAGUE. AS I AM THE GREATEST PLAYER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD (OUTSIDE OF KIM JONG-IL, WHO INVENTED THE GAME), THE FOOLISH IMPERIAL SERVANTS OF THAT DOWNTRODDEN COUNTRY PAY ME HANDSOMELY. I DESPISE THE VERY SIGHT OF MONEY, SO I SPEND IT ALL ON NINTENDOS, IPODS, NIKES, AND CARS. YOU EVEN FAIL AT INFECTING ME WITH WEALTH, ASSHOLE GOD-FEARING JAPANESE! YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT AND YOUR LEAGUE WOULD BE USELESS WERE IT NOT FOR KIM JONG-IL'S CHARITY OF GRACING YOU WITH MY PRESENCE!

COMMENCE LAUGHTER!

WE ARE THE BEST PREPARED TEAM IN THE HISTORY OF ANY WORLD CUP. WE KEEP OURSELVES ISOLATED FROM LAZY FAT CAPITALISTS. YOUR TEETH, SHOES, POTABLE WATER AND ADEQUATE FOOD SUPPLY DIMINISH YOUR WORK ETHIC! WE PRACTICE THROUGH THE NIGHT BEHIND OUR BARBED WIRE. IT IS TO KEEP YOU OUT, NOT US IN! WE ARE FREE AND HAPPY BECAUSE OF OUR GLORIOUS LEADER!

IF YOU HOLD ENOUGH FAVOR WITH THE GLORIOUS LEADER AND DEFENDER OF THE PEOPLE TO HAVE AN INTERNET CONNECTION, USE THIS AS AN OPEN THREAD FOR TODAY'S GAMES!

JOIN ME OR DIE! CAN YOU DO ANY LESS?!?!

Champion's League Open Thread

Some sweet ass UEFA action today. So if you need to break up the monotony of curling, switch it over to Fox Soccer. Although I will say, as absurd of a sport as curling is, and despite the fact that I know nothing about it, it's pretty engrossing.

Regardless. The sport that I wanted to see today, downhill skiing, has been either postponed (men's super combined) or canceled (women's downhill training). The women's 10K Biathalon is currently underway, just not on TV.

So quit sliding rock and brushing ice, fuckwads, and watch the Champion's League. The two games today are Olympique Lyon v. Real Madrid, and AC Milan v. Manchester United. A couple of notes:

-Lyon is Squirrel Tactics' dark horse for this tourney while Real Madrid is in a crazy amount of debt so that you can watch Kaká, Xavi Alonso and Cristiano Ronaldo on the same team (you ungrateful cocks).
-This will be David Beckham's first game against Manchester United since leaving the club seven years ago.

Let's get it on. If you have anything to say on either Champion's League game or the Olympics, come on in and say hi. To the comments section!

Confederations Cup Open Thread

Shit, Jesus is on their side? This is gonna be tricky.

The two most badass countries in the Western Hemisphere square off now in South Africa. It's one of the rare times where America is a true underdog. Brazil invented sexy football. I'm always excited to watch Dempsey, Onyewu, Howard, and the Beas. Heck, I'll even say I want Landycakes to have a good game. Unfortunately, they go up against Kaká, who makes me hold my breath every time the rock's at his feet. Plus his friends, and they're pretty good, too. That and they've got a nation full of oversexed gangsters and the hottest chicks in the world backing them up.

Ordem e Progreso v. E Pluribus Unum.

You should be watching. Drop a comment into the comments section, tell us what you think.

Happy Mother'sth Day, Mrsths. Phelpths

If eight-times-golden Michael Phelps had his way, he'd have all European media bombed and destroyed forever.

News from across the pond is saying the Phelpthsie, distraught after the tremendous backlash from a photo surfacing of him smoking the reefer, got some hookers (plural).

I'm reticent to go on a tear about this: He should've known better, He should be better, nag nag nag, blah blah blah. It's all just noise.

Frankly, I'm just tired of hearing about it. The nature of news these days is that if you hold the microscope on someone long enough, you'll catch something. Given the type who seems to be prone to kicking himself in the rear — which is true, despite if these stripper stories are true or not — that just makes it all the more painful to watch.

Again, I'm just tired of hearing about it. And I think we can all do in the comment section more than I would hope to do by expounding on it further.

NFL Open Post

I was thinking of doing another live chat this afternoon, but frankly I have better things to do such as: workout, sit, and go to the bookstore.

As a result, we will have an open thread today. Stop by and leave a comment on anything we may find interesting.

Furthermore, in the spirit of "change" this will serve as an all encompassing football thread, so perhaps our friends across the pond (or contrarian Americans) can update us on the latest happenings on the pitch.

Or

If you're like me and your NFL team sucks, your fantasy team goes to the same country club, and your college team barely beat smart kids from Duke, you may want to watch some movies.

I suggest looking at AMC, which if I'm not mistaken, stands for Awesome Movie Channel. There is a Rocky marathon starting at 3:00. 2:00 for those of you who rep central time.

Forrest Gump is probably on some channel as well.