SALUTATIONS, CAPITALIST DRONES. I, JONG TAE-SE HAVE BEEN DECIDED BY THE GLORIOUS LEADER KIM JONG-IL TO ADDRESS YOU.
HOW ARE YOUR PITHY LIVES OUTSIDE OF PARADISE? SATISFACTORY, I HOPE, BUT I KNOW THAT YOUR LIVES ARE MEANINGLESS WITHOUT THE SUNSHINE AND HAPPINESS BESTOWED BY KIM JONG-IL, DEFENDER OF THE PEOPLE. SURE, YOU MAY ATTEMPT TO FILL THAT VOID WITH "FREE WILL," "RELIGION," AND "LARGE BREASTED WOMEN," BUT WE ALL KNOW THESE ATTEMPTS ARE FUTILE AND YOU ALL WILL FAIL!
CRUMBLE BEFORE MY MIGHT!
GLORIOUS LEADER HAS ALLOWED ME TO TAKE MY FOOTBALLING CAREER TO THE SECOND GREATEST LEAGUE IN THE WORLD, JAPAN'S J-LEAGUE. AS I AM THE GREATEST PLAYER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD (OUTSIDE OF KIM JONG-IL, WHO INVENTED THE GAME), THE FOOLISH IMPERIAL SERVANTS OF THAT DOWNTRODDEN COUNTRY PAY ME HANDSOMELY. I DESPISE THE VERY SIGHT OF MONEY, SO I SPEND IT ALL ON NINTENDOS, IPODS, NIKES, AND CARS. YOU EVEN FAIL AT INFECTING ME WITH WEALTH, ASSHOLE GOD-FEARING JAPANESE! YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT AND YOUR LEAGUE WOULD BE USELESS WERE IT NOT FOR KIM JONG-IL'S CHARITY OF GRACING YOU WITH MY PRESENCE!
COMMENCE LAUGHTER!
WE ARE THE BEST PREPARED TEAM IN THE HISTORY OF ANY WORLD CUP. WE KEEP OURSELVES ISOLATED FROM LAZY FAT CAPITALISTS. YOUR TEETH, SHOES, POTABLE WATER AND ADEQUATE FOOD SUPPLY DIMINISH YOUR WORK ETHIC! WE PRACTICE THROUGH THE NIGHT BEHIND OUR BARBED WIRE. IT IS TO KEEP YOU OUT, NOT US IN! WE ARE FREE AND HAPPY BECAUSE OF OUR GLORIOUS LEADER!
IF YOU HOLD ENOUGH FAVOR WITH THE GLORIOUS LEADER AND DEFENDER OF THE PEOPLE TO HAVE AN INTERNET CONNECTION, USE THIS AS AN OPEN THREAD FOR TODAY'S GAMES!
JOIN ME OR DIE! CAN YOU DO ANY LESS?!?!
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/bangs a gong
ReplyDeleteOkay, the vuvuzelas: What's the consensus opinion on those?
ReplyDeleteI'm all for them. I think it adds a uniqueness to the 2010 World Cup, and makes it more memorable for everyone involved. No one remembers the roar of a crowd, because we go to enough crap concerts in our lives to hear a good roar. But a droning hum? That's unique.
Also, NERDALERT, in STAR WARS - Episode II: Attack of the Clones, the final battle scene on the planet of Geonosis featured a host of wasp-like critters who made a similar droning noise. Anything that makes anything more like STAR WARS is okay by me.
The vuvuzelas I can take or leave.
ReplyDeleteThe roar of the crowd after an epic goal is unparalleled (the mere fact that it just got compared to a 'crap concert' is just sad), but we haven't had too many good goals so far.
I'm actually indifferent about the vuvuzelas, the only thing that pisses me off is that you cant hear the chants or music coming from certain fan bases.
ReplyDeleteVery true. There was a lull in the horns during the US/GBR game just long enough to hear the British fans sing the end of God Save the Queen. It sounded pretty great.
ReplyDeleteKaká should be able to kick this tourney into high gear. He wasn't amazing this past year (probably due to Ronaldo on the team), but there's no question that he's the king shit of Brasilia.
ReplyDeleteAllow me to clarify my woefully nondescipt passage regarding "crap concerts." That of course does not apply to goals scored. Although, I will say, I believe many folks would rather roar than blow their vuvuzelas, which is still awesome.
ReplyDeleteI don't think Brasil got the message. You don't bring a KAKA to a Kim Jung Ill fight.
ReplyDeleteTHERE'S A FREE VUVUZELA APP!!! KIM JONG-IL MADE STEVE JOBS PRODUCE THIS APP SO JONG TAE-SE CAN JOIN IN ON THE FUN!!!
ReplyDeleteIs this guy a dumbass or does he not have any idea the plight of his own people by the hands of one man?
ReplyDeleteI think that when you're a national hero and can do anything you want because of that one man, you let some things slide regarding suffering of his own people.
ReplyDeleteI also happen to think calling communists "people" is a pretty loose use of the word, but whatever. I'll roll with it.