Olympic Discus Tossers Blame, Pummel Those Associated with 'Ultimate,' 'Frolf'

MADISON, Wis. — The International Association of Discus Tossers has forgone levying a formal complaint with the IOC and gone straight to fist-fighting members of any associations or groups that participate in 'Ultimate Frisbee' or 'Frolf,' also known as 'Frisbee Golf.'

"I've had it up to here (lifts arm to swollen, muscular shoulder but no further) with these hippy, college punks tossing their little Frisbees hither and thither, all willy nilly," said Unger Rwowski, spokesman for the IADT as well a silver medal finalist in the '96 Atlanta games.

"It's bad enough that they don't spin around and around before they chuck," said Rwowski. "It's disgraceful and we're putting an end to it now."

Rwowski said he wouldn't comment further on the IADT's strategy while targeting the mostly college-age players of the Frisbee recreational sport, but a big bulletin board behind him spelled out the organization's plan in an all capital-letter, misspelled and three step plan:

1. FIND HIPPEEZ, DOOSHBAGS, POSERS ET AL
2. BEAT UP HIPPEEZ, MAKIN SHURE U SPIN FIST ROUND AND AROUND BEFOR PUNCHNG
3. TAKE HIPPEES GURLfriENS AND THROW STUFF

Local college campuses everywhere are taking added precautions to insuring the discus tossers are kept off of campus grasses at all times, while security is having a tough time watching the Frisbee games, as they are often spontaneous and prone to avoiding authority types.

If you like A Clockwork Orange, you’re a f*cking weirdo.

Every once in a while, the spirit of this fair experiment manifests itself to us. Normally he's pissed about something. This is an account of one of those supernatural experiences.

I just… I just have to get this off my chest.

Every time I walk into some fucking hipster joint, like an indie movie store or a sous chef’s apartment, there’s a fucking Clockwork Orange poster.

So I said fuck it, I’ll give this thing a whirl, see where it takes me. I read the book first. It sucked. The main character’s running around hopped up on milk, raping and pillaging a bunch of worthless chumps, while acting like quite the yankee doodle dandy-queer that he is. This guy that wrote it, Anthony Burgess, is a complete failure other than this “visionary” [makes quotation mark hand gestures] piece of shit. People were telling me, “But Roy, he invented new slang.” Fuck yourself with that. That means I have to read a whole bunch of shit like “rooker,” “gob” and other goddamn atrocities to the king’s English. Everything is “malenky” and “real horrorshow, my brother.” Pfft. Not like the shit I hear these days. Calling someone a ‘douchebag’? That’s gross enough for me to go up somebody’s head with a corked bat.

So I gave that a shot, and it didn’t pay off. But I thought, maybe, just maybe the movie is somehow better, and I put it on my Netflix queue. I’m telling ya fella, big fucking mistake. Now, not only do I have to look at this mascara’d piece of fop, I’ve gotta hear him say all these stupid made up words. Fuck me, this was worse than being gutshot, and THAT’S BAD. Not only that, but the gayest future ever envisioned is now fully frontal with its balls on my chin. Shit! There’s phallic shit all over the screen! It’s awful. I can’t believe people respect this goddamn thing. [eyes sink to the floor, head shakes]

The fight scenes kind of cracked me up, because these people I was hating got their asses kicked. At one point in time, they show these Dorthies walking like badasses in slow motion, and then BAM! JIMMY CLUB TO THE CODPIECE!

So next time you see a skinny jeans-wearing square-rimmed glasses jackass with “A Clockwork Orange” on his wall, give ‘em a Wonderboy in the codpiece for ol’ Roy here.

...

...and tell him Bjork sucks.

Monday Morning Sh-t Storm

I hate the Oscars.

Why?

Every time I care about a movie/actor, I get all excited and actually watch the show. Only to see said movie/actor lose in the end.


Before we move on A quick note to the Academy: WHAT THE HELL? YOU TOOK MICKEY'S AWARD. THIS WAS GOING TO COMPLETE THE COMEBACK. HE IS THE WRESTLER. QUITE LITERALLY. AND IF YOU ACTUALLY WATCHED THE MOVIE YOU'LL REALIZE...IT'S ALL HIM. HE OWNS YOU FOR ONE HOUR AND 45 MINUTES. WITHOUT ROURKE THAT MOVIE FAILS.

Don't get me wrong, Milk was a really good movie...but Penn?

I think what really pissed me off was staying up anticipating Rourke's speech. What did I get. Sean Penn going political on us, again what a surprise. (note-GRH is all about prop 8, we had a prop 8 week) OOOOOO Penn and the Academy are SOOOO edgy. F-ing edgy as a basketball....

Which brings me to the shit storm. Thanks for sitting through that. We're not going to talk about movies at all, I'm still pissed, but we'll make a compromise.

SNL has a great history of sports bits. I don't think this needs an explanation, so I'll just give you my favorite.



Gets me every time.

So for the storm give us your best SNL sports related skit.

I say sports related because:
1. It could be sports related in any way.
2. I'll also take Superstar hosts who did normal clips.

Let's do it for Mickey.