ORLANDO - The Champs Sports Bowl lived up to its tremendous amount of pregame hype, with Miami QB Jacory Harris being the most adorable thing to step on the field last night in a losing effort to the Wisconsin Badgers, 20-to-the-cutest-14-points-you-ever-did-see.
Wisconsin QB Scott Tolzien passed for a pedestrian 260 yards, with 19 so-so completions over 26 unflattering attempts. The pasty Tolzien also threw an interception, which totally figures, and didn't even have the courtesy to throw a touchdown pass.
Meanwhile, Harris was able to pass for an incredibly attractive 188 yards, with 16 glowing completions that looked like they fell out of a J. Crew catalogue. Badger RB John Clay was really trying way too hard, winning Big Ten Player of the Year, rushed for 121 yards and scored two touchdowns in an effort that looked more desperate than anything.
"He really did a lot for us, we just couldn't get the win," said Miami coach Randy Shannon. "But that fro-hawk of his is something precious. It was both heartbreaking and breathtaking to see him come off the field after a three-and-out. Like watching a beautiful quetzal bird sing a sad, sad song."
Analysts at the game are already calling Harris' comeback-ending four-and-out to be 'the hottest failed comeback in the history of omigah I can't even remember.'
Yes, we do have writers here. Yes, some of them watch sports on occasion. Yes, we've fallen off our game. But you know what? I've had shit to do. What are you doing right now? Looking at random blogs? Real fucking busy you are. Get off my ass.
Ok, if you're looking for more Eddy Curry hate, you won't find it here. We now have a moratorium on Eddy Curry. The dude has been the butt of so much hate this year, that it's just about time to take a chill pill and let him sort through his own problems for his own good. Shake the haters off, Eddy.
So none of you sorry sacks of shit have probably noticed, but we are looking at a serious NBA season. Serious. Big time. The players are playing, the teams are hitting.
Go ahead, think about the best five teams in your head right now. Don't worry, I'll wait.
OMG! FUNK!
Did you think of the top five teams? If you thought of Phoenix, you should jump out of a window. If you thought of Miami, you are really behind the times (but at least Dwyane Wade is balling out of control).
Essentially, the West's hegemony is done. It was probably done last year, but fuck it. The top three East teams (Cleveland, Boston, Orlando) are wrecking shop. Top to bottom, the West's playoff teams have a slight edge, but the learning curve ends there. Minny, the Oaktown Globetrotters, Memphis, the Clipshow, Sactown, and the OKC are pitiful. Ugly. JV. I can't say enough about how bad they are. Put it this way, the only team in the East that's worse than any of the aforementioned Westerners are the Washington Wizards. The same team that shares (with OKC) the dubious distinction of being the worst team in the League.
So it breaks down like this. Every superstar in the L is playing like they deserve the MVP. Every theory about NBA players getting worn out and not playing as well with an Olympic hangover has officially been debunked. Every night LeBron puts up a triple-double, Chris Paul does it the next night. Kobe's personal numbers are down, but his team is the best in the world. And they've started grabbing their nuts in-game.
The Celtics keep balling, and the Spurs are there normal quiet selves. At this point, I can't really see anyone coming out of the East other than the Celtics. LeBron is the shit, but he's still a one-man show. Anderson "Sideshow" Varejao has been playing like he should've last year (which is good), but nobody besides Bron on that team is going to beat you. He almost took it to the Cs last year, but didn't. Orlando's wrecking shop, and Dwight Howard is doing much for his MVP campaign, but he's still too raw, and the team actually runs pretty much on Jameer Nelson. Basically, the Magic are going to shit themselves sometimes in early May, the Celtics and the Cleveland LeBrons are going to throw down in late May, and the Lord will be pleased. As for the West, the Lakers are untouchable. The next best team is the Spurs, and while it is folly to sleep on the men from San Antone in odd-numbered years, it could be that the swan song for Mexican Azzurri has already happened. Case in point, the Spurs beat the Lakeshow with a wacky Roger Mason three-point play a couple of weeks ago. This W took the Spurs getting all the calls, and the Lakers being without Jordan Farmar, Luke Walton, and some other fools. Last night the Lakers whomped the Spurs.
So as for the playoffs, it breaks down like this.
In the West, Houston seems safe at the 5th seed, but I don't see them keeping a comfortable lead over Portland, Phoenix, Dallas, or Utah (who's on the outside looking in, and very shorthanded at the time). It will really be a dogfight for the bottom half of the West's playoff seeds between those five teams, with someone getting left out.
The East gets a little crazier. Right now it's Detroit (5), Miami (6), Philadelphia (7), and Milwaukee (8). Detroit still hasn't gotten it together, and is even considering shopping Allen Iverson (WHAT?!). Miami is riding Flash, but they've got their own lineup problems, and is thinking of trying to deal Shawn Marion (no surprise). Philadelphia has put together a nice little run to get to .500, but they've been doing so by running the fuck out of teams behind Louis Williams and Andre Iguodala, taking advantage of the fact that Elton Brand is out of the lineup. The problem being that when he comes back, he can't keep up with the others, and they could end up looking like a poor man's Phoenix, except without Shaq, they have Elton Brand, without Amare Stoudemire, they have Samuel Dalembert, and... you get the picture. Milwaukee is clinging with their fingernails to that bottom spot, but they just lost Michael Redd for the season. Unless there's some chemistry between Richard Jefferson and Andrew Bogut that I'm not seeing (there isn't), the Bucks will plummet, opening up the bottom two to four spots for everybody except the Wizards.
Naturally, there are months left in the season, and anything can happen between now and then.
There are many ways to be embarrassed on a basketball court. If you get crossed over so bad you fall down, that's bad. Nutmegs are rare, but almost worse. Getting dunked on happens so often that it doesn't seem like it's that bad.
And then something like this happens.
I've been dunked on once. Just once. I came back down on the offensive end and dropped some kid by setting a pick and putting my shoulder into his face. Not perfect retribution, but at least enough to let those Duncanville pricks know that I wasn't a punk (if I recall correctly, it was fellow GRHer Allen Houston blowing a defensive assignment that led to me getting flushed on).
But I digress. What do you do to come back from something like this? Remember those hyperdunk commercials that got banned in some spots for being seen as anti-gay? This is worse than every dunk they talked about in those commercials. I mean this is really, really bad.
That kid who got yakked on needs to go ahead and forget that he ever played basketball.
Watch it again. I screamed when I first saw it happen.
Mad bonus points for Johnson giving fives to the crowd afterwards.
Not since Brian Cardinal have we seen somebody look this 'tarded while playing college hoops in Indiana. Well, I've seen plenty of people look 'tarded in Indiana playing college hoops since Cardinal. Let me start over.
Luke Harangody is a goon-ass goon that needs to get dunked on day in and day out until he stops showing up and uglying up my television while I'm trying to watch basketball. Seriously, he has a white-boy flattop. Don't bother fixing your style, Luke. Just quit.
Earl Clark agrees with me. I honestly don't care who's on the receiving end of this, it was just an awesome dunk all over somebody's face. It was also beautiful in its simplicity: catch it on the wing, pump fake, go left, flush. Seriously, the look on Harangody's face says it all. Anyways, the clip starts out with it, then we have to see some bullshit, but then it ends with two replays from different angles.
ORLANDO - The Champs Sports Bowl lived up to its tremendous amount of pregame hype, with Miami QB Jacory Harris being the most adorable thing to step on the field last night in a losing effort to the Wisconsin Badgers, 20-to-the-cutest-14-points-you-ever-did-see.
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