In Wake of Bruschi's Retirement, Favre Demands Tear-Soaked Remembrances From Former Coaches

MINNESOTA, Minn. -- In response to the heartfelt, emotional statements made by the stoic Bill Belichick regarding the retirement of Patriot's LB Tedy Bruschi, current Minnesota Vikings QB Brett Favre is demanding tear-soaked remembrances of his numerous accomplishments from his numerous retirements.

"I think I deserve a little bit of that," said Favre while rewinding the segment of Belichick's crying on TiVo. "That guy sucked butt. He only played 13 years, he didn't set any records, and so far, he's only bowed out once. Give me a break."

Favre said he has sent letters to former Packers and Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren, with whom Favre won a Super Bowl, Mike McCarthy, the current Green Bay coach and the last to coach him there, as well as Eric Mangini and Rex Ryan, the former and current coach of the New York Jets.

"I'll start with Chubbs. I feel like he's got some pent up emotions from all our days a-winnin' games. Plus, after playing with the bald guy, he's bound to appreciate me more," said Favre.

"Mac and Mangini are a given. If Brett Favre walkin' away from your team doesn't choke you up, you need to find a pair, and walk away from my football," said Favre. "Same goes for Ryan. I'm sure he was pretty devastated when I left New York."

Asked if Mike Sherman, who coached Favre in Green Bay immediately prior to McCarthy, would be included, Favre said Sherman had already cried on the future Hall-of-Famer's shoulder many times before.

"If he wants to get it out in front of everybody, that's fine," said Favre. "He'll have his shot with Childress about March. Or July! Whooooo knows?!" which was then followed with Favre waving his hands mysteriously and banging a gong.

Desperate For Attention Matt Hasselbeck Retires, Unretires

SEATTLE - Desperate for attention in the perennially rain-soaked city of Seattle, QB Matt Hasselbeck retired at a live press conference, immediately before holding another press conference in an adjacent room announcing his comeback.

"It's time for me to move on from here," said a tearful Hasselbeck, who led the Seahawks to a Super Bowl run in 2006 and has been the face of the franchise since his signing in 2001. "But then again, it's a new day. I think I've still got what it takes to contribute. I'm still young at heart."

The Seahawks acquired Hasselbeck after his years as a back-up to Brett Favre in Green Bay, and many are speculating that this latest move is just pulling a page from that playbook.

"That's crazy," said Hasselbeck, as he launched a wobbly-spiral to a reluctant receiver, Coltrane High School Junior Jevon Locke. "See that though? Even though you in the media are saying it's time for me to go, I've still got it."

Hasselbeck left the first room, shaking hands and giving long embraces before entering the bathroom for 15 minutes to allow the media and fan (singular) to go to the other room. He then blasted the Rudy theme song as he high-fived those attending as he entered.

"That's both a shame for the NFL to lose one of its brightest stars, and great for him and the league to watch one of their greatest stars come back. Everyone loves a comeback. No. 672, Family Feast, your order is up," said former teammate and league MVP Shawn Alexander, currently working from 3p.m.-11 p.m. at a Birmingham, Ala. Church's Chicken.

You have to be kidding me

For real?

Here's the thing.

I never really liked Brett, always thought he was a good QB. I never really bought into the whole he plays for the love of the game schtick mainly because I realized that to play at that level with that commitment you REALLY need to love to play football with all the shit pro's go through. The shit talking with D-lineman? Well that's like saying the likes of T.O and Ochocinco are more competitive than the likes of say Isaac Bruce and Marvin Harrison.

But at the end of the day he was Brett Favre, and when I saw him play on a Monday Night game I was excited I could tell my kids that I saw hall of famer Brett Favre.

When he initially "retired" it was kind of surreal, almost let me know how old I was. Here I've seen this guy play literally his entire career, and now he's gone. Obviously I wasn't upset about it, but it was significant nonetheless.

When he tried to come back I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. "Hey maybe this guy just made a rash decision." But then I saw him trying to soil the Packers. A team he told he was done. I also heard about him having a separate locker room in NY, and really not reaching out to any teammates.

Now we come to this year. Favre/Vikings string everyone along, lying the entire way, only to have him end up in Minnesota.

Instead of talking about how Favre is a raging prima donna who really only cares about himself let's look at the qualities of this so called team player.

First. Who is he fooling? He knew the entire time he was going to play for the Vikings. His main concern for not playing was that he thought he couldn't play an entire season. So what happened in the past 3-4 weeks? Did your arm magically heal itself? Did you take some magical elixir? What happened? OHHHHH I know, training camp happened. So basically instead of trying to help your team by being present during major offensive installation and showing your teammates you actually care you decided to forgoe the rigors of camp and join the team when they are for all intents conducting in-season practices. Team player all the way Brett.

The other thing that irks me is how Tavaris Jackson and Sage Rosenfels were treated. Now this one is as much on the Vikings as it is on Favre. Once Favre gave his annual "I don't think I have it speech" Childress and the Vikings organization banked on T.J and Sage. They told them they would be competing for the starting job, and the right to become a franchise QB. But no, whatever went down it's clear that neither the Vikings or Favre had that in mind. I'm sure this happens all the time in all walks of life, but it doesn't make it any less shitty.

Now all of this said, are the Vikings a better team with Favre? Sure, Favre is still a great QB and the Vikings really are a team one player away from being a playoff contender, but they probably wont have what it takes in terms of chemistry to make it to the Super Bowl.

Look, I have zero problems with a guy still wanting to play football. God knows I would love to still play, but don't act like you're bigger than the game and try to create this bullshit soap opera with you as the main character. It's an insult to guys who actually gave everything they had to play at the highest level as long as they could.

So add more criticisms/praises in the comment section, but I still think it's shitty the way it went down.

Local Mississippi Athletes Woefully Unprepared For Actual Season Due to Favre Workouts

HATTIESBURG — Parents, booster clubs and athletic organizations have "had it up to here with that Brett Favre guy," according to reports saying that high school and DII-college athletes are woefully unprepared for their upcoming seasons due to the hours put in running the retired-QB's work out routine.

"I mean, we're trying to get these guys ready for STATE," said Oak Grove High School Football Coach Lou Tubbs. "They're out there fiddle-fartin' around with Favre. Just lolly-gaggin' and fiddle-fartin'."

"Hell, we'll be lucky to take district, let alone STATE."

Some of the athletes are admitting some of their frustration at Favre's demands to not only learn pro-style routes, but also maintain pro-style speeds and strengths, and subjecting themselves to pro-style punishments for lack of hustle.

"I can barely tie my shoes let alone learn two systems of offense," said WR Will Hoofman, who also doubles as the team's noseguard, displaying his cleats completely surrounded with layers of duct tape he says he puts on daily to secure his footwear.

"He tried to fine me $400,000 for missing practice. I've never seen $400,000 in person," said sophomore WR Danny Koehler.

"My fingers hurt," said RB Jeremy Collins, who was recruited by Farve to attend mandatory workouts along with receivers to give Favre that "wildkitty thing all them teams are doin'."

"He knows no kid in their right mind is going to turn down Brett Favre to work out," said Collins. "I just wish he wouldn't come hang out with us at the bowling alley on Friday nights. He graduated junior high with my dad."