Browns FB Hillis Drives All The Way to Denver's Facilities Before Remembering He Was Traded

DENVER, Co. - Traded to Cleveland from Denver in the much-ballyhooed Brady Quinn trade, fullback Peyton Hillis drove all the way from his new Ohio home to the Bronco's training facilities before remembering he was no longer a Bronco.

"Aw, dammit," said Hillis, a bruising 230lbs. fullback who was traded on Monday. "I musta been on auto-pilot this morning. Went to the wrong work again."

Hillis said he became slightly suspicious when he had to fill up his truck for the fourth time on his 1,351 mile, 21 hour and 11 minute journey through six states. "Thought something was wrong with my Chevy, so thank God for that."

Hillis saw limited playing time under new coach Josh McDaniels, but wowed Mike Shanahan and the Broncos in 2008, an injury-wrought season for Denver running backs, where he also ate four lbs. of concrete on a dare from Shanahan.

Desperate For Attention Matt Hasselbeck Retires, Unretires

SEATTLE - Desperate for attention in the perennially rain-soaked city of Seattle, QB Matt Hasselbeck retired at a live press conference, immediately before holding another press conference in an adjacent room announcing his comeback.

"It's time for me to move on from here," said a tearful Hasselbeck, who led the Seahawks to a Super Bowl run in 2006 and has been the face of the franchise since his signing in 2001. "But then again, it's a new day. I think I've still got what it takes to contribute. I'm still young at heart."

The Seahawks acquired Hasselbeck after his years as a back-up to Brett Favre in Green Bay, and many are speculating that this latest move is just pulling a page from that playbook.

"That's crazy," said Hasselbeck, as he launched a wobbly-spiral to a reluctant receiver, Coltrane High School Junior Jevon Locke. "See that though? Even though you in the media are saying it's time for me to go, I've still got it."

Hasselbeck left the first room, shaking hands and giving long embraces before entering the bathroom for 15 minutes to allow the media and fan (singular) to go to the other room. He then blasted the Rudy theme song as he high-fived those attending as he entered.

"That's both a shame for the NFL to lose one of its brightest stars, and great for him and the league to watch one of their greatest stars come back. Everyone loves a comeback. No. 672, Family Feast, your order is up," said former teammate and league MVP Shawn Alexander, currently working from 3p.m.-11 p.m. at a Birmingham, Ala. Church's Chicken.