Chris Andersen needs to get back on the drugs is sobriety makes him do this.

"GUESS HOW MUCH THIS TATTOO COST!!!!"

NBA Playoffs: Round 2

They're coming, they're coming, they're coming.

Yes infuckingdeed, it's been a crazy couple of weeks. Lots of fun. Lots of dunks, lots of great games. This is seriously the best time of the year. Even TNT stepped up their game by adding Chris Webber to what was already the best talking head crew in television.

Anyways, despite the fact that most of the teams I wanted to win ended up losing, I'm still having a great time. I could really do without another viewing Charles Barkley, Magic Johnson and Julius Erving in that one T-Mobile commercial, though.

SO

More of what I want to happen, less of what is going to happen:

EASTERN CONFERENCE:

(3)Orlando Magic v. (2)Boston Celtics
-Magic. It was nice to give Jesus, PP, and the Kid a ring. It really felt ok to give them one, they earned it. But they have theirs now. They don't really deserve a second one. Individually, sure, but this? It just feels dirty. The Magic have been the dark horse for plenty of time now. As a fan, I deserve to see a few more games of Dwight and Shard.

(4)Atlanta Hawks v. (1)Cleveland Cavaliers
-Normally I'll root for the underdog. Normally I'll root for Josh "J-Smoove" Smith and Joe Johnson. But normally, they're not in the second round of the playoffs playing against a newly minted MVP in LeBron James. Sorry Hawks. Hope you can snake one, but I doubt it. I don't see the Cavs losing too many games before the finals. Better luck next year.

WESTERN CONFERENCE:
(6)Dallas Mavericks v. (2)Denver Nuggets
-Nuggets. Because Mark Cuban should never have talked shit to JR Smith in the first place. Some people don't like seeing JR pop 28 ft. shots when the Sticky Nuggs are blowing out a team, but I'm going to relish seeing him do it this series. If the Mavs can somehow call "backsies" on the Kidd trade, have Dirk be the 6th man coming off the bench, and burn Erica Dampier down for the insurance money, I'll be a Mavs fan.

(5)Houston Rockets v. (1)Los Angeles Lakers
-I'd love to see the Rockets win. In my mind, they match up pretty well, too. Nobody stops Kobe, but Ron Artest is one hell of a speed bump, plus he's been playing great. Yao eats Pau's lunch for fun, and I don't have enough respect for Andrew Bynum to say that he'll bother Yao much, now that Yao has discovered his mean streak. Couple that with lightning-quick Aaron Brooks, Kyle Lowry flying in for fun, and the kaleidoscope of forwards the Rockets can throw at them, it's feasible. Not likely, but what the hell.

Chris Andersen and Darius Miles are on the Warpath to freak America out.

That is to say, they are both attempting comebacks to the NBA.

Chris "The Birdman" Andersen got off of his two-year drug suspension mid-season, and his contract was snapped up by his old team, the New Orleans Hornets. Of course, they were in a pretty good groove, and never ended up using him.

The Birdman was ok was a super-athletic big guy, and of course was a white dunk contest participant, so you have to give at least some props. Unfortunately, his performance was highlighted by a moment reminiscent of the end of Tin Cup, or possibly Blue Crush. Unfortunately for Birdman, in real life, people don't like to see you try and fail a hundred times, and then cheer when you succeed. Turns out we hate that sappy bullshit. All it does is look stupid and painful.

Then he was suspended for two years after a one-time positive drug test. Think about that one real hard.

Then there's Darius "Neighbors call the fire station off the blunts I smoke" Miles. A prep stud, and member of Lattimer's fantasy St. Louis Supersonics, Miles came out of high school, with all of the promise in the world, super athleticism, an NBA body, a decent shot, and mad flavor. He played a few good years on the Clippers back when they were the most fun team in the league (consisting of Miles, Quentin Richardson, Corey Maggete, the Kandiman, et al). Then started to get bounced around until he microfractured his knee, and himself into obscurity.

Another problem with Miles getting picked up is that he has to sit out for his first ten games for, you guessed it, a drug suspension.

He was still awesome in "National Lampoon's Van Wilder." His best line was, "yo, Van, did you invite those freak honeys from Mount Holyoke?"