For Once I’d Like To Go To A Cardinals Game Where Someone Doesn’t Get Tasered

BRO! NOT AWESOMES!

This kid crashed the Cards at Phillies game last night in the eighth inning immediately before crashing into the ground violently. It’s MLB policy to not encourage other insanely-brilliant-cargo-short-wearing brolumni from doing the same thing by showing them on TV, but cuts to the Cardinals dug out showed everyone grinning from ear to ear and laughing very hard. I thought Joe Mather was going to poop out his ears he was laughing so hard. Ryan Howard had to cover his face on the field from laughing.

But the MLB can’t hold down the viral audience in attendance. 17-year-old Steve Consalvi has his fifteen minutes, will totally get to be Prom King, and if enough people remember it next year, he’ll totally be macking honeys with the rest of the Phi Delts at Penn State.



(As originally published on zackstovall.com. BOOYAH TO SELF-PROGMOLATION!)

Oh Roger you sly f--king fox

Many things have been said about heir Goodell, our ginger overlord, however this weekend he came through for the common man.

What am I talking about? The fucking Pro Bowl.

Observe:

I hate the NFL pro-bowl, I never watch it because it reminds me of of watching a porno after you just finished. It's awkward and depressing. (For our goodie two shoes/ readers who don't want to admit anything it's like singing Christmas carols on December 26th.) Think about it, THE LAST football game for 7-8 months is the Pro Bowl? Which has the intensity level of my 7th grade B team games.

But the NFL actually fired off some neurons and decided to have the game before the Superbowl. Great, grand, wonderful, trick of the day.

So this morning I search the TV and figure out when it's played.......7:20 EST WTF!?!?! YOU'RE TRYING TO GO UP AGAINST THE GRAMMIES, PUT IT ON AT 3!!!

But then I realized this is why I'm not the commissioner of the NFL.

Yes my fellow Hobbers, this is a perfect opportunity to score brownie points.

Drew of KSK fame has written extensively about this subject, but I want to share with you a great time to score some points.

Now WE all know the pro-bowl sucks but everyone else does not. So tonight is a perfect opportunity to score some points with the non-football fans.

I'm going to make some gross generalizations, but let's just assume most football fans are dudes and most non football fans are ladies. Here's how it goes down.

Football fan: Oh but I REALLY want to watch the pro bowl tonight.

Non FF: BUT the Grammies are on

FF: Ok FINE we can watch the award show (or any other random show for that matter)

NFF: Oh you are so considerate.

FF: Fuck. and. Yes.

And this is going to go down in thousands of households tonight, hell I'm going to rock it.

So thank you Roger Goodell for setting up the football watching community with a hanging curve.