Aggregated Assault: The Avon Barksdale Award

The Jeff Albertson Award for Detestable Appearance and Personality 2008 was a despicable display of angst and fury, although well-documented and masterfully scribed. Brent Musburger seems to be the clear winner, as more ink (well, pixels...) was spent on him than on anyone else. And while Dick Vitale made a strong comeback, from the comment section no less, the Jeff Albertson must go to the chief douche himself, Musburger. His prize will be a swift kick to the gooch from Icehouse's boot.

You've gotta wonder how he'll feel about that.

The Ghost is a big ole gravy train with biscuit-capped wheels, and we'll keep on keepin' on. The Avon Barksdale Award for Management goes annually to the best coach, manager, or even agent for the year. Avon embodied all the great things of leadership. He was loyal to his family, but also expected loyalty. He gave back to the community when he had the opportunity. He put careful thought into when, and how, to snatch a life. He had a good sense of humor, he enjoyed his downtime, and tried as hard as possible not to take his business too seriously. That said, he built one of the most profitable organizations to grace the city by the bay, and at the time of his most recent incarceration, held quite a bit of downtown real estate. Even on the inside, though, his word was his bond. Something of an authority figure, he is trusted with problems and advice.

He is a born leader. An executive. He runs this shit.

That being said, the nominees in this category are as compelling as they are competitive. And they are:

Icehouse's Pick:

Jerry Buss, owner, Los Angeles Lakers: So yeah, dude is a septuagenarian, doesn't really do a whole lot anymore with the team, but he still pimps out when need be. Kobe is a cantankerous sort, and when he gets fed up with Phil Jackson, Mitch Kupchak, Andrew Bynum, Lamar Odom, etc., he calls Jerry. And Jerry makes all things right in the world.

This year, Buss had a hand in getting the Grizzlies to trade Gasols with the Lakers, sending Pau to Los Angeles and Marc to Memphis. That is straight dirty pimping, as Pau is much better than Marc.

Buss pimped his own daughter, first to Playboy (where she was a centerfold), and secondly to Phil Jackson (with whom she is currently romantically involved).

Buss is also a famed poker player, continuously taking part in extremely high-stakes poker games. Sometimes they're televised, sometimes people lose fingers (I think).

Last summer, Buss was arrested for DUI along with a 23-year-old female accomplice. He is a well-known partier that can regularly be seen at the Playboy Mansion (where he had been the night of the arrest), and counts among his drinking buddies the late Wilt Chamberlain (nobody more baller), Magic Johnson, James Worthy, Kobe Bryant, Shaquille O'Neal, and Jerry Jones. Yes, that Jerry Jones.

I understand that much of this is bland, and without commentary, but just look at that rap sheet. If I played for anybody, anybody, I'd hope it'd be someone like Jerry Buss.

Dude is untouchable.

HONORABLE MENTION: Sir Alec Ferguson, Manager, Manchester United. He loves his players. They win championships. Fuck the rest.

Lattimer's Pick:

Paul Johnson, coach, Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets: Ah yes, the Avon Barksdale award. After many years of watching this wonderful show I have learned many things about Avon. He is a complex character. However, the one constant with Avon is he gives credit where credit is due. Heaven and Here put it best stating: "Gangster recognizes Gangster". With that in mind, I think Avon would be proud to have Paul Johnson win the award with his namesake.

Johnson is not a Gangster in the traditional sense, that much I realize, however Johnson is most certainly a gangster in the football world. Prior to this season, I read article upon article stating that Johnson needed to change his offensive attack against BCS defenses and, dare I say, SEC SPEEEEED!!!!! OMG OMG OMG.

Johnson quietly pushed the doubters aside and stuck to his guns. What resulted was a 9-3 record, barely missing out on an ACC championship game appearance (They lost to VT in a tiebreaker) and flexboned interstate rival UGA to the tune of 45 points and 409 on the ground. The thing you have to understand about Johnson is that this is his first year with Tech, running a radically different offense, with players who were recruited for a pro style attack. Furthermore, look at some other first year coaches, such as this guy, this guy, and of course this guy.
I'll stop now or else I'll go on forever.

HONORABLE MENTION: Saban's season, the Entire Tampa Bay Rays organization and Coach ARRRRRRRRRRRR.

Don Delaware's Pick:

Barry Melrose, coach/analyst, Numerous Hockey Teams: Barry Melrose wins my award for best coach. It's not because he is the best coach, but because he is the best coach to ever cross-over into the sports analyst role. Not only did Melrose lead Gretzky's L.A. Kings to the Stanley Cup Finals in '93, but he lead me to pay attention to hockey highlights on Sportscenter. Melrose's tone and demeanor demanded you to at least acknowledge the NHL playoffs. Not to mention he has a bad-ass haircut. He recognized that the rest of the sports world does not give a shit about hockey (especially during football season), so he broke his analysis down in a way so that everyone could understand what the fuck was going on. And in turn, I gave a shit. Here's my thanks to you Coach Melrose, the Avon Barksdale Award for best coach, owner, or agent.

HONORABLE MENTION:

• Jerry "The Shark" Tarkanian: Won 1990 Nat'l Title by the widest margin of victory in NCAA history at UNLV with the best, dirtiest team ever

• Temple Hoops Coach John Chaney: Threatened to kill and assaulted then UMASS Coach John Calipari in 1994, and in 1995 "I'm going to send in what we used to do years ago, send in the goons." Chaney sent in Forward Nehemiah Ingram to "ruff up" a St. Josephs player. Ingram fracture the kids arm in one of the greatest college hoops plays ever.
• Browns-Raven Owner Art Modell: Moved the Cleveland Browns to Baltimore after promising to never move the team as he felt betrayed as a Brooklynite when the Dodgers moved to L.A.

Stovall's Pick:

Lane Kiffin, coach, Oakland Raiders: In my opinion, this guy's name has to come into the conversation at some point for the 2008 season. Anybody who can get out of the worthless, Godless, hopeless black hole that is the Oakland Raider organization gets props in my book.

His tenure was less than a year and a half, amassing an impressive (for Oakland) record of 5-15. But one stat that isn't as well known is Old Codger Wrangling, and he was locking it up with one of the wiliest coots in the Northern Hemisphere in owner Al Davis. Davis' strength lies in his slickness and senility. His shirtless windsuits, combined with his Dapper Dan and FOP'ed hairpiece, would make any foe cumbersome. But match that with the plain old vanilla craziness that is the psyche of Al "Father Time" Davis, and you've got yourself an achin' for a breakin'. Then try to coach a bunch of professional egomaniacs who are chemically-induced giants. That'll show 'em.

But Kiffin was run out on a rail, as they say, in a very up-yours sort of way that was very reminiscent of the good old Mike Shannahan days. Now Kiffin will coach the Tennessee Volunteers, a once prominent football program in arguably the best conference in college football. But this isn't necessarily the dream job that many thought it was during the heyday. You're too far north to recruit the talent that your state has never and likely will never provide. You're stuck in one of the most vicious and cut-throat conferences in the country and let's just say the cupboard might be a little sparse upon your arrival.

Kiffin may very well be in the running of my "best" coach of the year in 2009.

HONORABLE MENTION: Jolly Charlie Weiss and his Band of Merry Gingers.

Old Booker Pogue's Pick:

Tommy Tuberville, coach, Auburn University: Clearly the winner here is Tommy Tuberville. The Man with the Golden Ears is a walking tribute to battered wives throughout history, being forced to resign last night. The man wins 8.85 games over a trailing 10yr period. He goes undefeated in 2004, and should have played for a national championship. Does he get shafted? Yes. How many other SEC coaches won successfully over a 10 yr. period? I don't know; it's not worth arguing, but it's not many.

Auburn fans, he was your rock. He may not have had a quarterback, but he had heart. He may not have charisma, but he coached the dumbest animals on earth - 18 y.o. males - to excellence (or near excellence) almost every year.

Sure, he knew you were pissy about his offensive production. Hell, how couldn't he? You went and flew in an old hooker to interview for his job - Bobby Petrino, of course - while the ole' Riverboat Gambler was still winning games. Then that blew up on ESPN. You might as well fuck your call girls in the guest room during Grey's Anatomy; Tommy'll never notice, right? But, ungrateful though you were, he soldiered on.

You kept whining, and he went for the Viagra - which is of course the spread offense. Ask Rich Rodriguez how well that works in a place built on vertical running. Every guy has a hard time getting it up every once in a while. Right? All he wants is for you to be happy. Beside, this happens to everybody. Remember the good times? The six years of domination over your unquestionably superior cousin? Bama? That ring a bell?

No? Well sure then. Kick the old bastard down the stairs and send him to the unemployment line. Tommy Tuberville, next round is on Roy Hobbs. But please, for the love of all that is holy, remember your pride: DON'T TAKE THE CLEMSON JOB. You deserve better than a lifetime of the Bowden Boys' sloppy seconds.

Who do you think deserves The Avon Barksdale Award for Management? Vote now in the comment section and let your voice be heard. God speed.

Sincerely,
The Ghost of Roy Hobbs

Aggregated Assault: The Jeff Albertson Award

The Izzy Mandelbaum Award for Accomplishments by Senior Citizens was a rousing success here at the Ghost of Roy Hobbs. Award winner Jamie Moyer was so enthusiastically honored by the accolade that he hobbled around the bingo parlor where he was residing, until that evil mistress gravity caused him to break a hip by slipping on a misplaced bedpan. Our condolences and congratulations to Mr. Moyer, who is tossing softballs in the off-season as a permanent resident at the Pleasant Forest Retirement Vista in sunny Philadelphia! Way to kick it up a notch, butterscotch.

The Ghost of Roy Hobbs Awards roll on. The second award is one of great anticipation, yet of great misery as well. The Jeff Albertson Award for Detestable Appearance and Personality 2008 is one's chance to vent all of their frustrations on members of the athletic society that grind one's gears to the point of utter hilarity and/or murder. Jeff "Comic Book Guy" Albertson is a heinous figure. He embodies everything detestable in a human being: Fat, lazy, takes pleasure in hurting people's (specifically, small children's) feelings. Whenever anything good happens to him in The Simpsons, it is to piss us off even further (see: when he slept with Skinner's mother; when he slept with Edna Krabapple). He is evil, hate-filled, disgusting, and all-around useless.

Without further ado, the nominees are:

Stovall's Picks:

Brent Musburger: Granted, we could go on and on ad naseum about this guy, and Lattimer gave an awesome discourse on this guy previously, but the case can still be made. I hate this guy more than I hate anything. And there's plenty of stuff to hate in the world. Starvation, malnutrition, disease. The plague could come back, and if it took Musburger, I'd probably say, "You know, it's not that bad, guys."

It's not just the way he tries to dissect the psyche of every person involved with the game way too prematurely. "You've gotta wonder what Coach thinks about the strength of that defensive line," when there was a mere three yard gain. It's not the way he tries so verbally stick his elite nose in the air in a vain attempt to be the next Keith Jackson. No, it's his contract that kills me. ABC has a lock on the biggest games of the year. So when I wanted to see a Big 12 showdown between Oklahoma and Texas Tech, I had to watch it on mute. This guy is repugnant and offensive and I love Kirk Herbstriet because of it.

Pacman: Sorry, Dallas fans, I grieve with you. I can't stand this guy. Maybe I'm speaking out of rabid jealousy for not getting to play in the beloved league, but how many chances does one guy get? I saw this guy was trouble when he got drafted. Despite the decorum of the draft being reflected with fly suits and neckties, Pacman decides to break the culture barrier by donning several gold chains, a large WVU jersey, a fresh pair of Nikes, and a Crunk Cup.

While hilarious and appreciated as that was, how easy is it to do whatever the F you want and not get caught? Apparently, not easy enough, as Adam Jones is now one misstep away from working at Kenny's shoes for the rest of his miserable days. This case has the potential to turn around, but the forecast is looking doubtful. Stop stealing headlines, Pac. Collective media, you're on red alert on this one as well. No one cares.

And you're uglier than Marshawn Lynch, and that's saying something.

Arkansas (En Masse): This beef is personal. Arkansas fans can be some of the greatest fans ever. As annoying as it is unique, the Hog Call can be heard at numerous events other than University athletics, such as the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure and weddings. The Razorbacks are literally a banner behind which the entire state can rally.

But nosce te ipsum, folks. Know thyself. While we are in what is regularly regarded as the best conference in college football, that does not mean we are elite by any stretch of the imagination. From the dregs of the long-forgotten Southwest Conference to the dregs of the SEC, what in God's name are we expecting? So please, for the love of God, drop the ego and accept that until some miraculous recruiting happens, we are not and will not be a top tier athletic institution and haven't the gumption to run off a coach who gets an average of 8.5 wins per season.

Yeah, I'm talking about Houston Nutt. I'm not the biggest fan of Nutt, but I sure as hell don't dislike him either. The man is having a "huge" success at Ole Miss now doing what he has always done. Nutt isn't going to win a national championship. He probably isn't going to win a SEC title. He will probably at most win a handful of SEC-western division championships. He will have ten-win seasons. He will have six of five-win seasons. But his average will be about 8.5 based solely on his ability to recruit. You're not going to be a top tier team, but you're going to sneak up and beat some teams that you shouldn't with Nutt at the helm (I point to Florida this year, and LSU last year).

But that wasn't good enough, was it Arkansas? You thought you were really something, so you hacked into his records and started rifling through his crap. Get over yourself, Natural State. We're a funky bunch, but that gives us no right to think we're some kind of school that can speak softly, and use our so-called "reputation" as our big stick.

Oh yeah, and while in the fall your Ozarks are lovely, but there are parts of southeast Arkansas that are so ugly, they make me want to throw up in an astronaut helmet and wear it on my head.

Lattimer's Picks:

So the topic is "Detestable appearance and personality."

Yes?

In my infinite wisdom, and continual quest to find myself, I have realized one thing: I have a love, hate relationship with sports figures.

Meaning I either love you, or I hate you.

But before we get to my selection I'd like to touch upon Stovall's nominee, Brent Musburger.

I was watching the OU-OSU game Saturday night, and of course whenever OSU is on TV there are 20 gratuitous shots of T. Boone Pickens.

However, at one point Musburger referred to the oil man/hedge fund manager as Boone T. Pickens.

This does not bother me because if one paid any attention to the election coverage one would realize that T. Boone was all over the place. This does not bother me because T. Boone spent $58 million dollars hawking his plan all over the TV in which every commercial opens with "Hi, I'm T. Boone Pickens." Hell, it doesn't even bother me that the ABC producer probably told Brent "Hey, talk about T. Boone."

What bothers me is this:

The f-ing stadium that Musburger is sitting in is called "Boone Pickens Stadium." Meaning that there is a big ass sign out in front saying "Hey, my name is T. Boone Pickens I gave a shitload of money to this university so I could get my name on this stadium."

We now know that Brent is not only a pompous prick, but he is also a grade-A American dumbass.
ABC probably has to quickly cut exchanges like this:

Brent: Wellll folks there's the olllllllleeeeee oil man Boone T. he's got that big ollllllleeeeeeee windmill plan. And let me tell you what Kirk those windmills are big, and I mean big, I mean when they go to the buffet, WATCH OUT!!!!!!!

Kirk: If Oklahoma wants to win this game they NEED to score more points than Oklahoma State.

Brent: Excellent point Kirk, but you have to wonder in this situation, I mean if Picken T. does build all of those big olllllllleeeee windmills what is going to happen in the future? I mean you have to wonder here what will happen when all the wind runs out. Now I THINK that we are going to be in the same situation we are in right now. I mean you have to wonder what if some other country has all the wind I mean we are just going to be dependent on somebody's wind, I mean you have to throw Canada into the picture here. And I mean you have to wonder if the wind runs out then ollllllleeeee Pickens T will be left with those giant, and I mean GIANT windmills in the middle of the country. And let me tell you what my friend, that is a problem that I WOULD NOT WANT TO HAVE!!!!!!

Kirk: The reason Sam Bradford is such a good quarterback is his ability to throw the ball to his receivers.

But I digress, On to the nominees.

I'm going to stick with football for my picks mainly because baseball had a down year in hate.

Big and Rich (Cowboy Troy): Yeah we're comin' to ya citaaaaaaaayyyyyy... to fucking end you, and your dumbass song. I really can't put my hate into words. I used to love College GameDay, you know back when Corso only put the mascot head on when he was 100% sure of a win, and he had some crazy ass streak of correct mascot head picks. God, that was great. I still like GameDay, mainly because it means that football is only two hours away, and the signs still remain witty, vulgar, and offensive. This will never change.

However, now before I can get my first signage scan, I have to listen to these gerbilators sing this excuse for a song. Think of the CBS college football song, I'll wait. Yeah it's a nice little tune that they've had for years, and when you hear it your like "Oh, SEC football is on." It's very uplifting. Shit, even the ABC song is decent. But no, ESPN has decided that "if you want a little flim flam in your zim zam" will be their College Football anthem. The worst part of the song is when you think it's over and then Cowboy Troy comes in a breaks it down hick hop style. "Blue 42 down set." God that is soooo creative! I have never ever heard someone say "blue 42" before. I have no idea what "putting a little ying yang in yo zing zang" entails, but if it involves putting a foot up someones ass I'm all for doing it to Big, Rich, and Cowboy Troy.



Whoever hands out malicious hit fines in the NFL: I don't know who it is, but I do know one thing: As a child they were picked last in dodgeball every time.

Look, offensive players have enough to worry about. Some of them try to kill themselves, some shoot themselves in the leg, some are in prison because they let dogs fight each other, some think about their retirement/unretirement speeches, and some really have to focus on banging their Brazilian girlfriends. Do you really think they are concerned about getting injured during a football game? F no.

The fact of the matter is the NFL is protecting all these prima-donna offensive tool bags for the sake of marketability. Shit, I've seen worse in my Pop Warner practices. The best part is when the "experts" debate whether the hit was dirty or not. Excellent idea, because in the chaos that is a football game, I know as a player I always had time to think "Hey, should I take this guys knee out or not? hmmmmm ahhh fuck it, I'll just hit him." But I mean those NFL players are so much smarter, too. I bet they have minutes to think about that kinda stuff.

The BCS (Every member of the committee): Let me ask you a question. We have two teams, lets just call them Team A and Team FUBCS.

• Both teams play head to head, neutral field, Team A wins.
• However Team A loses away to a team (Team ARRRRR) however FUBCS beat Team ARRRRR at home.
• So now they both have the same record.
• Team A is better right?

Wrong, Dead wrong.

Yes Texas, just received a Texas-sized screw job this weekend, and this type of shit happens every year (not to mention Texas Tech wasn't even considered). The following is the proposal to start the BCS:

"Dude, dude, dude, F playoffs man. That's so NFL. No, no here is what we do, we let COMPUTERS decide who should play each other in a national championship game. What? No dude, computers are really smart. Mine even tells me when I spell shit wrong, trust me man computers are the future. TRUST ME MAN it will be just like when EA sports simulates a season."

And for those of you who have super duper magical number one playoff plans...It's not going to happen there is too much money involved and as long as some conferences are getting paid, they wont change until it's in their best interest. In my mind, the SEC championship is the National Title.

Whatever, I'm over it.

Icehouse's Picks:

I would like to elaborate on Lattimer's comments about the BCS. The only reason they keep the BCS is because the people in charge of the bowl games don't want to give up their nobility. They like being wined and dined all the time, and they somehow feel that being a semi-final game would take away form their luster.

Furthermore, you know those commercials where all the teams are running around, either in a maze, or fighting past each other in the streets, trying to get the championship trophy? Well it's not like that. A more accurate commercial would be all the teams go to a field, stick their respective thumbs up their respective asses, and wait for an alien spaceship to come and abduct two of them. The BCS computers care more about football and the playing thereof than the bowl committees, but it's a flawed system. It wouldn't be all that hard if you followed a simple formula:

1. Football
2. Everything else.

That's just too complicated, I guess.

Eli Manning: This guy never fails to piss me off. He looks stupid. He overthrows receivers, makes bad reads, and usually blames someone else when he does something wrong. He perpetually looks like he doesn't want to make money playing football. He's a pussy. He looks stupid. He's related to Peyton and Archie, yet has none of their trademark personalities. Peyton makes funny ads, Eli makes gay-ass ads for watches and other shit that I don't want to buy. Shockey didn't like him. He demanded a trade out of San Diego without having played a single down.

And yet… he wins! He wins all the fucking time! He for some reason stumbles ass-backwards into a situation where he gets to play with one of the best defenses, a running back who breaks people's collarbones when they try to tackle him, and a beast line. Anybody could do what he does, it'd be so easy. I could do it, and I'd look good doing it. New York would love me.

Mark Cuban: Owners should never be seen or heard. During the game at least. Fucking Cubes is a fat piece of white trash that found a billion dollars. That's all. I like the idea that an owner of a franchise cares a whole lot about his team, but sitting in the front row of every game with a jersey, while yelling at the refs is over the top. He does all this because HE wants to be the face of the team. It's all about HIM. I can't stand that. YOU are not a player. YOU have no discernible athletic prowess. You're rich, and the list of positives ends at that.

Put on a suit, go sit in the box, and act like you got some goddamn sense.

Hockey: The NHL. All of it.

The sport started out on thin ice with me (GET IT?) because I don't ice skate. I probably won't ice skate next time the opportunity is offered. So I have no frame of reference to begin with about this sport. Virtually every other sport in the world, I can sit down, start watching, and have some frame of reference, like, running. Ice skating? Sorry.

Continuing, if you ask your average hockey fan what the best part about the NHL is, at some point in time, the subject of fighting will be broached. This is the exact equal as saying that you like NASCAR for the crashes. It has nothing to do with the sport, it in fact detracts from the sport. It is allowed to increase viewership. Think about that for a second. To get people to watch our product, we're going to allow our athletes to throw down in fisticuffs whenever they feel like it. What does this say about the sport? It's an inferior product that has little to offer outside of bloodlust. What does it say about the intended market? They are low-brow degenerates who have no respect for athletic accomplishments, and the only way to get them to spend money is bloodlust.

SAME GOES FOR YOU, YOU NASCAR WATCHING DUMBSHITS!

Who do you think deserves The Jeff Albertson Award for Detestable Appearance and Personality? Vote now in the comment section and let your voice be heard. God speed.

Sincerely,
The Ghost of Roy Hobbs

Aggregated Assault: The Izzy Mandelbaum Award

Aggregated Assault is a collective group post by the three primary writers of the Ghost of Roy Hobbs.

Ah, November. By now you're probably resting on your laurels of nearly a year's worth of solid work contributed to be betterment of society. Maybe checking a Christmas list for that special someone. Maybe you're sitting shirtless in a papasan chair eating tuna fish right out of the can. Either way, with the holiday season nigh and the year's end in sight, you're probably ready to relax.

Not us. We're just now gearing up for a year's end extravaganza that is going to award the best of the best of the best of 2008. The Ghost of Roy Hobbs Awards will cap off this, the eighth (or seventh?) year of the new millennium, by recognizing the marked achievements by those in the athletic society we affectionately call the Wide, Wide World of Sports.

The first award is the Izzy Mandelbaum Award for Accomplishments by Senior Citizens. Izzy Mandelbaum, the famed fitness enthusiast of Del Boca Vista, Florida, known for making men out of butterballs by inviting trips aboard the pain train, would be proud were he not busy somewhere else kicking it up a notch.

The issue of senior citizens in sports is very important for a variety of reasons. Senior citizens are hands down the best age group to watch a sporting event with. They have the best insight on games such as: "These players today don't have the HEART that we had" or "You're telling me we are paying this bum millions of dollars to miss 20 foot f'ing jump shots." or "Get a load of this bum" or "I hate the Iggles and you should too" and our favorite "Back in my day we had a way to deal with these endzone celebrations, it was called knocking your teeth out."

And the nominees are:

Zach Thomas, 35: Long considered to have his career ended, Zach Thomas came back with a fury. Well, a fury and a well-documented (thanks, HBO's Hard Knocks!) stretching program. Apparently stretching cures concussions and neck problems. Either way, you can't watch a Cowboys game without hearing his name several times a series, always flying around a play, or dragging down a runner by himself. He's currently four tackles away from the 1700 career milestone; which puts this no-necked sonuvabitch at the top of my list. Well, that and homerism.

Nancy Lieberman, 50: I mean, look at the age. Adding to the fact that she signed a week long contract this year to play for the team that she previously coached, the Detroit Shock, she also won a silver medal representing the United States in the 1976 Olympic games in Montreal. Not only is this chick old, and still played professional hoops this year, we must look at one more fact. In 1998, while head coach general manager of the Detroit Shock, she was forced to step down after having a (what I am assuming is a semi-hot) sexual relationship with one of the rookies on the team. BOOYAH!

Jamie Moyer, 45 (turned 46 on Tuesday!): We heard enough about this cat during the NLCS and World Series, but it still bears mentioning. As far as pro athletes in 2008, we have to mention Moyer. The dude was playing for real before anybody on this blog was born. He set records as the oldest to do several innocuous things, such as pitch in an NLCS game. But still, he ended up with a ring, after pitching a pretty darn good six innings – with a stomach virus no less – in the World Series.
-Icehouse

Kurt Warner, 37: Kurt, Kurt, Kurt, what do I even say about you? Kurt, much like many other senior citizens, has a crazy ass wife. Her name is Brenda Warner and she looks like a goblin. Kurt, however, represents so much more than a mush-head QB. He represents the majority of senior citizens in the U.S: Religion, check. Wife with gray hair, check. Flat-top, double check. But you know what Kurt is just too damn nice. He literally kills opponents with kindness...and his gloves.

Jamie Moyer, 46: Jamie Moyer is also old, in fact if these awards were serious, he'd win hands down. The problem with Moyer is that you always hear him "helping" the younger pitchers, or "mentoring" rookies. What the hell? Old people don't roll that way, Jamie. No, I'm all about stereotypes for these awards and who fits the old person stereotype better than...

Kerry Collins, 36: Oh my God, we have a winner. Think about it. Kerry Collins is 1.) Racist. 2.) Alcoholic. 3.) Fights Jim Kelly. Hell, Kerry Collins is originally from PA where we cling to our guns and religion because we are bitter. Well, you know what BHO? The K.C. is bitter about something. He's bitter that people over look his skills simply because every time he's been successful he's had a lights out defense, and a extraordinary running game. Well you know what K.C., I'm going to acknowledge you right here on GRH. You're always a winner in my book.
- Steve Lattimer

Joe Paterno, 122: Everyone should be well aware of my disdain for weak conferences such as the Big Ten, but let's face it: JoePa deserves to be on this list. Paterno has coached for the better part of two centuries, won numerous bowl games and currently adds more games to his record of most winningest college coach of all time. And he's still good. Prior to an unforeseen upset at the hands of Iowa, Paterno had his team National Championship bound - albeit undeservedly so - and still has a top ten team. This is all from coaching in the box with a bad hip. Way to go, Pops. You're aces in my book.

Brett Favre, 39: Admit it. You love this guy. There's something in the hearts of men everywhere that aches for the days of adolescence and youth and vigor and Brett "The Tease" Favre is the epitome of all of those feelings. Like a kid out in the rain, Brett Favre has still got it. He has taken a lack-luster team like the Jets and made them legitimate contenders for the AFC East. Sure, the heavyweight Patriots are in a rehabilitating year, but give the man credit: they're much better than they were without him. Overrated he may be, and while not in the upper-upper echelon of QB's, he is still one of the best. Put it this way; were it not for Tom Brady, who would've been the league MVP last year? That's right. Father Time Brett Favre.

John McCain, 156: I have contended for a long time that politics is the ultimate sport, mainly because it's the only one where overtime can be settled by nukes. But in political discourse, no elder statesman stood out so elderishly as GOP Senator and Presidential-hopeful John McCain. Johnnie Mac ran very well in a race in which he was never supposed to be close. The new hotness, Barack Obama, came in and Ba-Rocked the Vote. But McCain's septuagenarian shoulders carried the banner for a country that, despite the mandate from towards a more-left movement, is still a center-right country. Oh yeah, and he's killed more commies than cancer, and he's beaten cancer a couple of times, too. Despite your loss at the hands of democracy, I salute you, Old Man River.
-Zack Stovall

Who do you think deserves the Izzy Mandelbaum Award for Accomplishments by Senior Citizens? Vote now in the comment section and let your voice be heard. God speed.

Sincerely,
The Ghost of Roy Hobbs