Watch the Dunk Contest.

Or I'll rip your nuts off.

If you are anywhere near a TV and NOT watching the Dunk Contest, you are most assuredly gay. I hope you like the ballet, or whatever the fuck it is that you're watching.

Gerald Wallace is favored, which is weird, because the dunk contest doesn't involve committing turnovers. Nate Robinson is in the field. I really hope he doesn't do anything gimmicky. DeMar DeRozan gets to dunk after winning the dunk-in. My money's on Shannon Brown. Little man has some skies.

You either better be getting seriously funky, or watching the dunk contest.