"The Middle Class, That Prisoner of the Barbarian 20th Century"

If my quarter mile on this planet Earth has taught me anything it is that I do not understand black Friday. In fact black Friday frightens me.

I could go into a whole post about the worst of human behavior Vs. our reliance on a consumerist economy, but this is a cheap sports/culture blog.

We'll stick to what we do best, which is MAKING FUN OF YOUTUBE VIDEOS!!!

Up first, we have an altercation in Menards.


I'll give you a moment to figure out what the hell is going on.

To be honest I guessed that some lady stole the pyscho girl's products, which would have made this an awesome exit.

However, black Friday rears its ugly head. Looking at the youtube description the pyscho girl "allegedly" cut in line, management came over, and she flipped out. She also may or may not have stolen a laptop from Wal-Mart.

There's some more, but I found this one to be the most horrific. Behold. North Buffalo.


I watched this video 10 times, and I still can't give it a proper run down. I'll leave it to the hobbers in the comments.

The LORD Your God Unscathed By Bills' WR Johnson's Lamentations

FT. LAUDERDALE, Fla. - The LORD Your God, Sovereign King of the Infinite and Infinitesimal Universe, says that he is relatively unscathed by Bills WR Stevie Johnson's Twitter blast at his holiness, blaming Him for his dropped catch that would have won the game for the Bills vs. the Steelers yesterday.

"I heard about it," God told several reporters during a routine visit to a Florida retirement village. "I mean, I hear everything. Even social media posts, which is really starting to clog up the comm. lines, but I digress...ONLY THE INFALLIBLE AMOUNT OF DIGRESSION, THOUGH.

"Basically, I heard what he said, but I've got other things to worry about than what goes on in Pittsburgh or Buffalo," concluded God. "Sure, I gave him a career and talent and birth in the US of A, but oh, No! I let him drop a pass! I'm the a-hole."

God said he doesn't recall what he was doing precisely when Johnson dropped the ball, but that he was a little worn out from making sure Portland didn't become a crater, and He doesn't "even think about time and space the same way you people do, so whatever."

God said he had no comment on whether or not to continually plague Johnson, but "I totally could if I wanted to, NO SWEAT." God then turned his attention to making certain Titans CB Cortland Finnegan was defecated on by an overhead bird.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

We're nearing 1,000 posts in our humble little blog. (that none of you assholes comment on) and there's something missing.

What is it?

HATING!!!

Don't get me wrong, we hate a lot, but compared to the rest of the blogosphere we're pretty light.

So let's hate shall we?


I can't stand Ben Roethlisberger. It most likely has to do with the way Mike Vick was treated after he killed dogs compared to how Ben was received after he raped a girl. Because he did.

Anyway, I can't stand Big Ben the Grey. Phillip Rivers gets second place.

So for the shit storm, most hated athlete.

If you say Lebron, I'm going to lose it.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Andy Roddick has taught Brooklyn Decker well. WOOOOOO! Longhorns!

You know what I hate? Bars that have 4pm Happy Hours. You know what I hate even more? The people at 4 pm Happy Hours. "Hey, look at me! I have a lax job that provides me with enough disposable income to where I can do all my drinking in a social setting while the sun is still out." Fuck the lot of 'em. I swear I'm going to drive home with a bucket full of water balloons one of these Fridays. Especially this winter. I hope you get the flu, chuckleheads!

The was a long and drawn out way of saying that I've been really busy the past couple of Fridays, and have resorted to barfing something up at the end of the day. Today I'm being proactive. So let's get it on.

Jason Kidd likes the Talking Heads. This video appears on the jumbotron at the American Airlines Center during games.


I tried to embed this shit, but couldn't. Kevin Love and Wes Johnson discuss their failed handshake attempt, and what they are doing so that it never happens again.

And just a reminder, Film Drunk is the only website you need for movies.


I really don't have a reason to post this. Let's see. Sports blog... Ciara... hmmmmm OH! BRAVES HAT! See? it fits. Just watch the video already.


In the words of the Situation, Bristol Palin is a grenade.


I'm a little worried about some of your biceps. Feed the pythons, guys.


Ok. That was fun. Everybody get out there and be somebody this weekend. You've got a long week of eating and football. Yes.

A PSA From GRH

Just watch this video.

I know at GRH we appeal to a more adult and "sophisticated" crowd, howver I feel it's my duty to address the national crisis we're facing.

That crisis?

Four Loco.


As you see in the video college students are getting "inebriated" on this energetic alcoholic drink.

Sorry I cant be a wise ass anymore.

Really Assemblyman Ortiz?

Really?

YOU are telling me that your heart rate increases with caffeine?

YOU get drunk after drinking the equivalent of 8 beers?

Well shit, fuck me sideways and call me popcorn. I didn't know that.

I don't want to sound like a "back in my day guy", but back in my day we mixed red bull and vodka.

Hell, our dear readers in Tennessee can buy a handle of Everclear. For the UN-initiates that is PURE GRAIN ALCOHOL. you could also buy 5 billion Red Bulls. If you drank them, you would either die, have a really great night,* Or shoot a perfect shot with a BB gun through the hole of a dog ear cleanser.**

But go ahead and whine about your $3 dollar booze. Talk to me when they take T.W Samuels off the market.

*DO NOT DO THAT
**Actually occurred

Some people just can't let go.

Scene opens. Icehouse is flexing in front of the mirror in his underwear, tumbler full of scotch in hand.

[Click play for soundtrack]


[Phone rings]
Icehouse: What the fuck is up?!

Lindsey Vonn:

Icehouse, I've been thinking about... us.

Icehouse: Oh yeah? Well, we had a good run, but it's better this way. I hear you're doing great, and that you're all healthy coming into the season, so.... you know... good luck and all that.

Lindsey Vonn: Icehouse, wait a second--

Icehouse: No time, baby, I gotta--

Lindsey Vonn: Icehouse, I'm pregnant.

Icehouse: You're WHAT?!

Lindsey Vonn: Well, I'm not, I just wanted you to pay attention to me. I do have something for you, though.

Icehouse: Okaaaaay. It's not going to be anything crazy, is it?

Lindsey Vonn: No, it's... sexy.

Icehouse: Hm. Continue.

Lindsey Vonn: Well, I know how much you love National Lampoon movies, as well as spoofs of police movies, so I--

Icehouse: Dressed up as Kathy Ireland spoofing Sharon Stone in Loaded Weapon 1?

Lindsey Vonn: Oh, um... well, yeah.

How did you guess that?

Icehouse: Instinct, baby. Instinct.

Lindsey Vonn: Well, do you want to come reenact the butt-in-the-moonlight scene?

Icehouse: I'd like to, but I got a prior commitment.

Lindsey Vonn: Well can we at least exchange dirty text messages? It's all the rage these days among athletes.

Icehouse: Ehhh, you can if you want, but remember, I drink a lot and have a blog.

Lindsey Vonn: Oh, how I wish things could work out between u--

Icehouse: Well, I wish I could stay and chat, but it happens to be underwear dance party night here at the Icehousehold. Take it sleazy.

[Hangs up]

Ready baby?



Icehouse: Righteous.