Shaquille O'Neal conducted the Boston Pops

Basketball leviathan and rectal flavoring aficionado Shaquille O'Neal made the most of his Monday night. Taking a break from his busy schedule of remaining completely motionless, Shaq decided to use his massive frame where it was needed most: conducting the Boston Pops, one of the best and most world-renowned orchestras in existence.

The Pops played very well, and even got into the act by donning some Celtics gear. The crowd was treated to a rousing version of Queen's "We Are The Champions" but left visibly disappointed that the concert featured neither "Shoot Pass Slam" nor the "Tell me how my ass tastes" freestyle.

Caption Contest!

Sure, this is old. Sure, this is a throw away. Sure, this is funny. But you should still be able to have a ball with this one.
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After finding out his wife wanted a divorce, O'Neal pined for affection anyway he could get it.

Shaq: Nope. I don't feel a thi- are you sure you're doing it right?

Shaq:I haven't felt like this since I saw the reviews for Kazaam. Heyoooo!

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GRATUITOUS BUTTSECKS JOKES: COMMENCE!

Television: Teacher, Mother, Secret Lover

TV is great.

I was going to write something else. I actually had it all lined up and everything. But then my TV attacked. Seriously, this was out of control.

First of all, the Rangers played the Tigers. Two pretty even teams kicking ass was pretty fun. This had all the funny shit deserving of a Rangers game. A Granderson lead-off home run started the wackiness. Nelson Cruz and Michael Young ended up jacking a couple dingers for the Rangers to take the lead at home, though. Three points of interest. 1) A guy caught a foul ball in his left hand while holding a baby in his right hand. Child endangerment rules. 2) The cast of "Legally Blonde: The Musical" where there. Because when there's 162 games, you're going to have to watch some stupid shit from time to time. 3) The announcer introduced Fu-Te Ni as Fu-Te "the knight that says" Ni. That was pretty funny.

Moving on.

The T.O. show. I guess somebody asked, "how can we make this guy less appealing." The answer is hire to bitchy PR folks, a flatulant sidekick, and pay the $25 it takes to put something on VH1. Fuck me this is terrible. You know the world is a horrible place when other people make Terrell Owens look grounded. Sheeeit.

And then there's Futurama. I wish I watched this show more when it was actually on. Tonight was one of the phenomenal sports-related episodes. With Bob Uecker as a guest star, Leela becomes a star of Blurnsball. In typical Futurama fashion, absolutely nothing makes sense (least of all the character of Hank Aaron XXX). The main point is the very end, which is basically the funniest home run of all time.

And now for the real inspiration for this post. Shaquille O'Neal is on WWE Raw. DIDYOUJUSTREADTHATSHIT?! Yeah. It's fucking great. Jerry Lawler just said, "Boomshakalaka." A couple of things I learned tonight. First, The Big Show still sucks. However, he's teamed with Chris Jericho, who is still the funniest character. Second, there are a LOT of Chris Cooley jerseys in the crowd in D.C. Third, that one dude from the Real World a couple years back, that called himself "The Miz" is now a wrestler. He comes out with a faux-hawk, talks shit to the Wizards fans in the house, and then yells, "I'M AWESOME." Gotta admit. That's pretty funny.

So anyways, love your TV. Give it a kiss.

Natural Links

(Closest thing I could find to a soccer "card")

WCF Courier- I'm sure you've heard about Coach Thomas at this point. Sad news, for a community that's just getting over last summer's tornadoes.

The Sporting Blog- U-S-A!!!!!!!! Hells yes, we beat the bastards in City Hall Madrid. I think this is the best recap I could find. Oh and Brazil, I don't know if you've ever seen the Rocky series, Major league II, or the Miracle on Ice but.....THE USA ALWAYS WINS IN SEQUELS, SO TAKE YOUR JAMBA JUICE, TURN THAT SONBITCH SIDEWAYS AND STICK IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR CANDY ASSES.

The Big Lead- I'm sorry that last link was so stereotypically American of me. If you want to read hyperbole coupled with the use of Malia and Natasha Obama to justify a notion that Soccer is more popular in America than baseball. Then by all means, read this f ing gem.

Losers with socks- A (most likely fake) funny facebook/recruiting blunder.

ESPN- HOLY SHIT SHAQ AND BRON!!!!! This news only has one response. Shaq Diesel rap videos. (video autoplays because ESPN is stupid)

Free Darko- The NBA draft is tonight, and to be honest there is too much good stuff on the front page of Free Darko to pick one. But here is their mock draft in all of it's confusing picture glory.

Barkley's Mouth- Things overheard at the NBA draft. Good form, Barkley's mouth, good form.

Quick Hit- Aaaaaaaand here is your obligitory NBA draft drinking game. Stay safe Hobbers.

Your Natural of the week goes to Oguchi Onyewu and Tim Howard. Onyewu for having Matrix like defensive skills. Howard for 1. Being awesome 2. Not being Kasey Keller.