ESPN College Football Analyst Trevor Matich Declared Legally Dead Four Years Ago

BRISTOL, Conn. - Sources behind the scenes at ESPN have confirmed that college football analyst and former NFL and BYU lineman Trevor Matich, despite being hired by the sports broadcasting giant two years ago, was declared legally dead no less than four years ago.

"Yeah, I mean, it's pretty clear to me," said fellow ESPN analyst and physician Dr. Jerry Punch. "He's got absolutely no brain activity. Merely repeating what he sees on film and enunciating it too harshly, with no concept of tone or diction...open and shut case.

"Oh yeah," concluded Dr. Punch. "He had a temperature of 66 degrees and no pulse whatsoever. A lot of drool when he's talking, too."

The incident was reported after records were found that Matich was hit by an oncoming bus, launching him into a nearby river, but not before he was hit by an oncoming speedboat. Cause of death was due to drowning due to sinking as well as blunt force trauma, none of which was to his brain.

Matich said he couldn't confirm or deny that he had been killed four years ago, and instead insisted we look at game film of the Oregon-Stanford game that showed conclusively that Oregon was a more physical team, despite the obvious double-digit deficit the Cardinal had.

ESPN has refused to comment on the life status of Lou Holtz and insist that Mark May is just a huge asshole.

Random Ideas

For those of you who know me understand that from time to time crazy nonsensical ideas pop into my head. Typically when these ideas come up others add to them and we end up with some form of undeniable hilarity. I'll be posting these from time to time, and I'm sure the other authors will as well.

So lets get started.

The University of Tennessee will self report a fourth secondary recruiting violation.
GASP!!!
What was the offense you ask? A recruit's name was mentioned on Lane Kiffin's Twitter page.

Wa waaa waaaaa. Boooooring.

This is hilarious. The NCAA is worried about a recruits name being mentioned? Yeah, they need to protect the privacy of those recruits. Because you know, their aren't any websites or anything WHOSE SOLE PURPOSE IS TO ANALYZE EVERY MOVE THESE RECRUITS MAKE.

The NCAA is just pathetic.

So here's my idea.

Let's open up College Recruiting. Open Markets. The Wild West.

Yeeefuckinghaw.

I think the SEC is the best place to start.


We have the most competitive conference, filled with hyper-competitive coaches, and a borderline insane fan base. Now imagine this with zero recruiting violations.

Could you imagine Lane Kiffin taking recruits to Knoxville's finest strip club on their visit. We could have Alabama boosters telling prospective running backs "Look we typically pay $100 a yard, but for you we'll pay out $250 and throw in a gift card to Best Buy for every TD." Shit even the recruits could negotiate. "Look coach Miles, I'm yours if you throw in an 8 ball and a stripper after every home game." And it doesn't have to be ALL bad. For example:


Tebow: Hey coach , I really love Florida and you have a lot of tradition. If the University builds me my own ministry I'm yours for four years. Look, other coaches have offered the same, so you know build that ministry and I'm yours.

Coach Meyer: Consider it done.

Now this would all be privately funded, because in my mind it's messed up to use an Auburn fan's money to buy off an Alabama player. This all leads to the best part. Since it would be privately funded the Universities can take allllll that scholarship money and give it to students who actually want to learn. Which is not to say that the athletes would not want an education, hell that may be their demand. "I just want books and tuition coach." Shit, this idea may actually keep kids in school for four years. The great SMU RB Eric Dickerson was once asked what was the difference between the pro's and college. His reply: "The paycut."

Vanderbilt, this is right up your alley. Vanderbilt University 2015 National Champions

Ohhhh and I'm just getting started. Lets look at basketball. The entire state of Kentucky would unite under one common cause. The best players money can buy. Three words to show you how cool this could be. Calipari no rules.

I could just see Booker Pogue throwing his children's college savings so UK could land that seven footer with a midrange shot. Hell it may even stimulate the economy. "Honey I'm opening up another tire store chain. We're lookin at this 12 year old, people are sayin he's the next Lebron, he's gonna cost us."

Then again it could bankrupt the entire Southern United States. In fact if I wanted to bankrupt the South, this would be one of my many plans.

"But Lattimer what about competitive balance, what about the schools that cant afford to compete."

Glad I asked myself this question. It's an open market, so everyone can't be bigtime. Schools would have to choose which "sector" they want to do business in.

(Mississippi State Athletic Boosters Banquet)


AD: "Well football didn't go to well, but we did throw all of our money into Jonny Utah who was supposed to be a sure thing. He didn't pan out, turns out the codeine/Jack Daniels cocktail he requested with his pre-game snack wasn't the smartest move on our part, but hey at live and learn.
/Clears throat
On a much happier note, we are kicking total ass in Women's Swimming and Diving. Turns out Once we showed those Chinese girls a dorm room and blue skies they were putty in our hands. Now smuggling them over cost some money, but overall we saved an estimated $150,000."

Now I would have one rule. Schools have to report everything they give to athletes. Money, narcotics, strippers, PB&J sandwiches with the crust removed, I want it all. In fact that would be my only recruiting violation. You fail to tell the public about that bathtub filled with chocolate chip cookie dough your star Lineman requested. Pay a fine to all the other schools in the conference.

And that's only for one conference.

I can only think of one drawback. If this thing actually spread the University of Oregon Fighting Highlighters would become relevant. Because of this guy.

And that would be a real shame.

So go ahead add your additions, critiques, questions, concerns in the comment section. Oh and I encourage you to be as absurd as the idea I just posted.