Natural Links

(yes this is the equivalent of a Tiger rookie card)

Sports By Brooks: The Chicago Tribune has a nice little piece on some sleazeball who wants to launch a recruiting website for middle school football players. This is a great idea, I always evaluate players when half of their competition has not reached puberty yet. You'd have to be the biggest dumbass in wide world of parenting. Worst part is now I have to put up with Johhny five five because his parents paid $70 to get three fucking stars next to his name. FML.

Awful Announcing: In case you haven't heard Joe Buck has a new show. In other news, Artie Lange took a giant shit on Joe Buck's chest.

The Onion: Wow, Just wow.

Gunaxin: The best thing about the NHL is all the stuff those Canadians and Eastern Europeans do with the Stanley Cup following the final game. Suggestion for David Stern: Make this happen.

Fox Sports: Seems like the Iranian Soccer team showed some support for Mousavi.

Ball Don't Lie: Scenes from the Lakers parade.

New York Times: Sammy Sosa tested positive for steroids in 2003...Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Miami Herald: Donte Stallworth gets 30 days in Jail. Mike Vick was quoted as saying "Seriously?"

Awful Announcing: Here is your U.S Open schedule.

Your Natural of the week is Adam Morrison who played a vital role in bringing the Championship to L.A.

NFL CRIME WATCH: Jeff Reed and Marshawn Lynch.

PART ONE: JEFF REED

Jeff Reed was cited for criminal mischief and disorderly conduct at a gas station in Pennsylvania. Why? Because Jeff Reed got loaded the other night and went apeshit on a paper towel dispenser. The towel dispenser received a thrashing at the hands of Mr. Reed for not being filled with paper towels.

At first I could understand his point. The paper towel dispenser's one goddamn goal in existence is to dispense paper towels what good is it if it isn't filled to the top with Brawny? None, that's how much.

But then I realized that it doesn't feel any pain, and wailing on such a useless piece of shit is useless. That, and I'm not a homosexual kicker. This guy is like the Paris Hilton of football. Always showing up doing something stupid while scantily clad and wasted.

[If you've made it this far, then I would just like to say that yes, I'm just as confused as you are about Gilbert Arenas' face]

PART TWO: MARSHAWN LYNCH

Lynch was arrested Wednesday for possession of a concealed handgun. The police in Culver City stopped Lynch and two others in a vehicle, then searched the vehicle, eventually finding a loaded firearm. He was released that night on $35,000 bail.

Culver City police did not immediately return a phone message seeking information about why officers first confronted Lynch and his companions, nor the probable cause for the vehicle search....
Well they didn't...
Just sayin'...

Then again, Lynch's driving record is somewhat questionable.

Exhibit A:


THREAT LEVEL(s):
JEFF REED - Those dudes from the My New Haircut video
MARSHAWN LYNCH - Ted Kennedy

NFL CRIME WATCH: Plaxico Burress

Take a bow, Plax. This is one for the ages.

Plaxico... Plaxico... Plaxico.

What in the world, dog?

You, my friend, have not tried your best this year. There's been fines, suspensions (which we covered as best we could), and now this. For real, man.

Friday night, around 11:30 p.m., Plaxico and Giants LB Antonio Pierce went clubbing. All was well, they were having a great time, until witnesses reported a "popping sound" coming from Plaxico's pants. Instead of the popping being accompanied by the customary locking, a bloody pistol fell out of Plaxico's pants. Just after this, Plaxico reportedly said, "take me to a hospital." Wise move.

However! They decided to delay the hospital visit for around two hours, first so Pierce could run back to New Jersey and hide the gun, and second, so they could find a hospital friendly enough to not report the gunshot wound, as is law in New York.

Plaxico checked into New York-Presbyterian/Weill Cornell Medical Center under the name "Harris Smith." This move alone shows he has at least more smarts than Michael "Ron Mexico" Vick. The hospital did not report the incident, a misdemeanor which Mayor Michael Bloomberg is vehemently pursuing as well (Bloomberg made the supression of handgun crime a hallmark of his administration).

Of course, when one is a much-heralded athlete in the largest media market in the United States, it's not to easy to remain incognito, and the cover was soon blown. Plaxico (who was already out for the game Sunday against the Redskins) turned himself in to a Manhattan precinct Monday morning. Plaxico could have avoided a perp walk by going straight to central booking, but, you know, it's Plaxico.

So now he faces two felony counts of criminal possession of a firearm, with each conviction carrying a minimum of 3 1/2 years.

Nightclubs, the NFL, and guns rarely go well together, but this is easily the first self-inflicted wound, which is just unreal. First, why is there a round in the chamber? Second, why is the safety off? Notice I declined to question why he had a gun with him in the first place, since I'm tired of asking that question.

Now, Plaxico had a concealed handgun permit in Florida (which has since expired) so we can assume he went through some sort of safety class. But also, even the worst gun crimes involving NFL players have also involved a second in whose hands the firearm in question resided (see: Jones, Pacman; Johnson, Tank). Oldest rule in the book, Plax. Get your boys to carry the heat for you.

I'm also pretty upset with his choice of representation. Benjamin Brafman, a worthy associate I'm sure, first gave the Terrell Owens defense while arguing for no bail, saying, "He has 35 million reasons to come back to court." Last I checked, TO's bitch of a P.R. rep caught hell for saying that. Why repeat it? Brafman also likes to end every sentence with, "I think," as in, "He's a good person I think." THIS IS NO TIME FOR INNUENDO! Either get with the program, and affirm that your client is a good person, or shut the fuck up. You're not doing him any favors the way you're going.

All in all, Plax is the one guy on the Giants I like (outside of Aaron Ross), and I think a slug to the leg whilst looking most ungangster should be punishment enough.

Threat level: Hoobler (you thought I was going to say Cheddar Bob, but in addition to 8 Mile, I've seen Band of Brothers also, and this is way deeper).

NFL CRIME WATCH: Larry Johnson

OK, I might as well get in on this "Missouri-Texas Hate Hate Hate" or whatever it is.

Kansas City is in Missouri, right? You know, where the Chiefs play? The Royals? You don't know either, huh?

Anyways, Larry Johnson has been charged with simple assault.

Why is it called simple assault? Because the accuser/people allowing this to happen are simple. As in stupid. As in small-minded.

Larry Johnson pushed a chick in the side of the head while they were in a club. This happened in the wee hours of February 24th, 2008.

Apparently, it took six months for the police to get around to investigating this incident, because more important cases kept popping up. More important than this? I don't know guys. Then, they had a lot of trouble finding a witness, since the event happened half a year prior. Of course, the witness picked Larry Johnson out of the lineup. I wonder if they got five other black males that are on TV on a daily basis in Kansas City to stand next to Larry. Probably not.

But let's get to the heart of the matter. This was a "push" on the side of the head. Everybody picture what this looks like. Not a rap, smack, knock, slap, tickle, hairpull, karatechop, or anything like that. A push. To the side of the head. Have you seen the Chappelle's show episode where he discusses how everything looks better in slow-motion? Well, you can't find it on the internet, because Comedy Central is as uncool as the NFL. Anyways, there's a face-push in that skit, and it doesn't look that bad. Furthermore, it took the accuser eleven hours to report this to police. This means she didn't report it to the security guards at the club, the club management, or even the police that were at the club, also. It took ELEVEN FUCKING HOURS for this trick to decide that she had been wronged. Fucking brilliant.

Now, Johnson's lawyer says that Johnson will be vindicated in his day in court. I should hope so, but Johnson already has one strike on his record. Actually, he has one domestic assault charge that got bumped down, since he took classes and all that shit, and another accusation that got dropped because the accuser decided not to press charges, and failed to show up in court. So one strike, one ball.

Larry Johnson is just guilty of being a jerk. And I'm afraid of the dangerous precedent that this could be setting. If we're going to start locking people up for being jerks, I'm in some trouble.

Threat Level: Anybody who has lovingly rubbed your head.

NFL CRIME WATCH: Travis Henry

Shit, man. What did you think all the suspensions were? Not a cry for help?

Travis Henry has never been mistaken for an upstanding member of society, and now he's going to be taken out of society for a long time.

The DEA released a statement today saying that Travis Henry and some dude named James Mack were arrested Tuesday following them buying coke from a snitch.

The DEA stopped a car driven by said snitch on September 16th, which had six pounds and three kilograms in it. The snitch was allegedly supposed to deliver the drugs to Billings, MT, and return to Denver with $63,600 for Henry. The snitch was to be paid $5,000 for his services.

The snitch (whose name was not released due to status of 'snitch') and the contact in Billings owed Henry a combined $40,000. Henry also allegedly threatened the debtors and their families over this debt. This of course, is standard operating procedure for drug debts. What's he going to do, sic a collection agency on their asses?

This whole incident is kind of sad, considering how good Henry was a couple of seasons ago for the Titans. Even sadder considering that there are now nine kids and nine baby mamas whose meal ticket will be in a jumpsuit instead of shoulderpads.

Of course, one can easily compare career paths taken by another illegitimate-child-having-and-pot-suspension-serving Running Back. Ricky, on the other hand, served suspensions, started wearing condoms, stopped inhaling [as much], and worked his way back into the NFL. Considering that running between the tackles is virtually the only legitimate money-making options open to these two men, one would have hoped that Henry could have taken Williams' efforts to heart and attempted to follow in his staggering footsteps. But alas, this is where we are now.

If you're out there, Travis, we at GRH always liked your hustle, on and off the field. Watch out for your cornhole, bud.

Threat level: Qyntel from Park Heights

NFL CRIME WATCH: Fred Taylor

In Jacksonville, Aloha means, "There's no fucking drugs or guns in my car!"

Ok, late-night clubbing and NFL players is usually a recipe for disaster (see: Williams, Darrent; Jones, Adam "Pacman") but this one almost seems silly.

Jacksonville Police officers responded at 4 a.m. to a joint called Club Cristal (like the champagne) because of an altercation there. The officers were told by someone that there could be guns, and pointed out Taylor's wife's car. Fred Taylor, along with his wife and friends were then ordered out of the car at gunpoint. Taylor was also patted down and handcuffed while the police searched the car. The initial search revealing nothing, the cops brought in a drug dog to check out the ride. At each instance, Taylor became more and more vocal about his annoyance at being handcuffed and his wife's car searched. The drug-sniffing dog put him over the top, and he was subsequently arrested and charged with disorderly conduct.

So Taylor committed absolutely no crimes, and when he was angry about being treated like a criminal, they charged him with one? Absurd. I hope he yelled something to the extent of, "I am Jacksonville's all-time leading rusher you ungrateful pieces of shit! What fucking good are you doing? You like fumbles, fat boy? That's what you're earning this city keeping my hands like this!" Or something like that. But seriously, after an initial search revealing nothing, they bring in a dog? Innocent until proven guilty means very little if the people who you pay to protect you (and you pay more than anyone else in the mosquito-infested overweight poor excuse for Florida shithole) to pull out all the stops to find something to prove you guilty with. Finally, when they can't prove you guilty, they make it a crime to yell.

Also, isn't there a crime, or at least a statute that prevents false accusations?

Finally, if you have a really nice Benz, would you want some dog you don't know running around in it, sniffing and scratching everything? That would make me ornery, as well.

Threat levels-
Fred Taylor: DWB
Jax Cops: Boss Hogg

NFL CRIME WATCH: Johnny Jolly, Jr.

In order to keep our readers as safe as possible from the menaces that roam our city streets, warring with rival gangs every weekend, The Ghost of Roy Hobbs will now be keeping you abreast of developments involving NFL players and crime.

Pictured above: Johnny, at his jolliest. Of course, hurting any Clausen brother would make me feel that happy, too.

Johnny Jolly, Jr. was arrested last night in possession of 200 grams of a controlled substance, a second degree felony in the state of Texas. What substance? We don't know. How controlled? We don't know. Johnny Jolly, Jr.? Drafted out of Texas A&M in the sixth round by the Green Bay Packers, Jolly, Jr. played in 10 games last year, recording 21 tackles before tearing his rotator cuff.

Having gotten the particulars out of the way, did I mention that this guy's name is Johnny Jolly, Jr.? Does anybody else find this funny?

The Green Bay Packers have expressed concern that this may lead to Jolly Junior's being suspended for violating the NFL conduct policy. Of course, I'm sure old J3 is probably more concerned with not going to jail than anything Roger Goodell is going to say to him.

Threat level: Nate Newton. If controlled substance is crack: Lil' Wayne.