Merry Christmas, you steroid abusing pussies!

Not sure if you assholes know this, but I finally got into the big leagues long after many of you chumps would have been considered washed up. I was old, but I was good.

Also, I struck out Babe Ruth. None of you chumps could do that. I fucking did. I didn't need any steroids to do it, either. I just did it in some field with some folks watching.

Also, I put a team on my shoulders, and dragged those worthless pukes kicking and screaming to victory. Me! Not Wilford Brimley, not anybody else. When we needed a hit, I hit it. When a ball needed catching, I caught it. Every single thing that could have been done. Did I demand more money? Fuck no! I didn't want fame or celebrity, I just wanted to play baseball. If I got to bang Kim Bassinger along the way, shit I earned it. But I did all of this after getting shot and having a drinking problem! None of you miserable punks could deal with that!

And steroids? Shit, I got good at baseball the old fashioned way. By smacking the shit out of the ball and throwing it hard. Steroids don't fix your eyesight, dumbasses! That's what you really need. You're all useless. You don't deserve to pound whiskey out of my flask in the middle of the fifth. Except that Josh Hamilton guy. Something about his mojo that I like.

So Merry Christmas to all of you steroid abusing pussies. Even though I was created in the mind of an author that mostly talked about Judaism in his books.

Whatever.

Caption Contest!

Rudy: I don't have to do this kind of shit on the Blazers.

or...

Pau: Look at my sad face! So sad!

or...

Marc: I carry you around, you get me a starting job on the Grizzlies, right?

Feliz Navidad from the Spanish National Team, maricones!

The Unreliability of Romothelisberger

There are two teams in the NFL who at one point or another for consecutive weeks were "The" Team in the NFL. While one of them is a lock to be in the playoffs, the other is in a must-win situation. Both have premiere quarterbacks, and ironically enough, these two actual share a storied rivalry from Super Bowl lore.

Give up? Look at the title, dummy.

The Steelers and their oaf of a QB, Ben Roethlisberger, along side the Dallas Cowboys and their teacher's pet of a QB, Tony Romo, have both put their teams in position to win and put their teams in position to lose. The only reason I find this remarkable can be found in the thrid sentence of the opening paragraph: They're premiere quarterbacks.

While it doesn't seem necessarily odd to say this - one has won a Super Bowl while the other has been the catalyst in the revamping of America's Team - one has to contend that it wouldn't be necessarily odd to deny this. For each of their respective team successes, I don't think it can be said that it is strictly because of the play of either of these brosephs. In fact, I would go so far as to say that when the game is truly on the line, it is not the hands of these two gentlemen which which the ball should be handled.

Look at the stats. For Romo, the outlook is woeful. In only one game has he passed over 34 times and the Cowboys won. Against the simply terrible '49ers, as much is to be expected. Not to mention that game the Barberarian hustled the rock 19 times, and oh yeah, T.O. caught for 213 yards. In the games where the Cowboys have lost? He has thrown over 40 times in each, except for one, in which he threw 38.

The converse could be offered. With Romo out, the Boys lost two of three. I would counter with the fact that it is impossible for a quarterback who has dropped back deep into his forties to win a game, unless its against a team with which he won a Super Bowl.

Ever mindful of his gun-slinging persona, he tosses all sorts of junk just to get intercepted. With all of the talent around him, it might be safe to say that he's the best person on his team that needs to be in the game, but doesn't need to be depended to handle the ball.

Congrats, Tony. You're now in a category that is especially reserved for offensive linemen. Ouch.

Now Roethlisberger is a different animal, and don't kid yourself, he is in fact an animal. Prior to this season, this argument was much more sound, but it could be that Big Ben is actually developing into a decent player, despite massive brain damage, even prior to his segway accident that was covered up as a motorcycle accident. Big Ben make equilibrium go BOOM BOOM BOOM.

Prior to this season, the Steelers were a below .500 team when Roethlisberger passed over 25 times. When he passed under 25 times, he lost two. Two games? I'll take that to the bank, dog. Prior to this season, the motto should've been "Running backs, bring your A-game, or we'll trade you to Detroit."

Then, the unthinkable! Two running backs, Willie "Nilly!" Parker and Rashard "You've Been Zooked" Mendenhall, were down and out in the opening games, the Fightin Illini for the year. With a faulty offensive line and a running back who had his former training at a Foot Locker selling "ballin' Nikes" the task of dragging the Steelers kicking and screaming into prosperity lay at the large hoof of Roethelisberger.

He's done well, but let's not anoint this heaping mass, as made painfully clear in Nashville to the tune of two picks, five sacks and four fumbles, two of which were lost.Wahwahweewah. This year has been the exception rather than the rule, but I still think the point is valid: beware of Ben, Steely McBeam, the actual mascot of the Pittsburgh Steelers as of last year. You may not be the biggest dumbest thing on the field anymore.

Point of the story is simple: These teams can and likely will go to the playoffs, pending another game in Pennsylvania for one of the teams. But whether or not these teams do well or do anything at all in the playoffs is up to they the team, rather than these singular characters. If you happen to be a fan of either of these teams, let's hope the supporting cast shows up as well.