Sammy Sosa Does Something Funnier Than Zack Stovall Can Put Into Words Without Meaning To

CHICAGO — Sammy Sosa, of Dominican, Cubs and MLB lore, did something accidental this afternoon at lunch that was so hilarious and so wondrous, witnesses claim that it cannot be elaborated upon within the confines of human language.

"I mean, he was just standing there and then all of a sudden..." stammered witness Patty Andrews. "I was crying I was laughing so hard. We all were."

"Man, that guy didn't even mean to."

Other witnesses claim there may have a been a loud crashing sound or some sort of Disney-esque high crescendo squeak mere seconds before the hysterical calamity brought the house down.

"Did you SEE that?!" bellowed Steve Welch, 47, a Chicago welder. "That guy SUCKS," confirmed Welch, as he snorted his third chili dog of the day.

Sosa could not be reached for comment, as he was too busy mopping up the drool from his latest episode of blank staring.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

So youtube has its foot in its dick, and is not posting the videos that I want posted. This means we have quite an unceremonious beginning to a new weekly segment, and that I'll have to do all of this the old-fashioned way. Yes, I referred to embedding links on a blog as old-fashioned.

Anyways, for all of you out there in the blogosphere, I've decided to begin everybody's weekend with a grab bag full of links to sweetness. You may all thank me by submitting ideas in the comments section. Your ideas will be ignored, because there's only one person's taste I trust.

So, to start off, here is the aforementioned Shakira video. It's pretty fabuloso, and I mentioned it once last year in the Taco Odyssey.

Moving on from straight hotness, we also have a comic strip featuring three of the gayest quarterbacks ever. Magnificent, it is.

Tonight, team USA plays team Canada in basketball, which should be must-viewing for everybody. While I was unable to find a clip or even picture of the colossal tea-bagging that LeBron put on Samuel Dalembert last time these two teams played, I can at least leave you with the only team USA facefucking that needs to be remembered. Speaking of Canada, some of you are probably wondering what the hell that picture is at the top of this post. That's a National Lampoon movie called "Going the Distance." It's about some Canadian teens who take a road trip. It's a pretty good way to waste two hours, and contains every single thing I know about Canada. Which is nature, ugly girls, and Avril Lavine. Quality viewing if you're still engrossed by the just-graduated-highschool-guys-take-adventure-involving-sex genre of movies. Way to be original, Canada.

Get hyped for team USA by watching us tonight on ESPN. I promise it'll be better than last night's MLS All-Star game. Enjoy the weekend by going outside.