The Ghost of Roy Hobbs

You win this round, Boston.

2012-01-18T10:35:00.002-06:00

We all like to hate on Boston sports fans. It's easy and they deserve it. I mean seriously, they call themselves the best fans in the world, but then not a single one shows up at the airport to greet the Red Sox home after they lost to the Rays in the 2008 ALCS. Just a bunch of fucking johnny-come-lately bandwagon douchebags.

Fast forward. After helping Boston win an NBA title in 2008, and bringing them back to the finals in 2010, Kendrick Perkins and Nate Robinson are shipped out of town to the Thunder for Jeff Green and Nenad Krstic. Seriously. Even after that, several people maligned Perkins as out of shape (sort of true) and not a real interior factor (completely untrue). Word has it that Doc Rivers told Kendrick to his face that he sucked and that's why he was traded.

So understandably, there is bad blood between Perkins and the Celtics front office (Nate Robinson, meanwhile, is just happy that he makes enough money to eat at Chipotle. He's a simple man that way). So what happened in Boston when Kendrick Perkins made his return for the first time? The Celtics played that video and the fans gave him a standing O. Pretty classy. Keep up the good work, NBA fans.

Stop Pissing in my Cheerios

2011-12-27T10:17:00.004-06:00

Oh hello, you must be a fringe college football fan who complains about bowl games. You hate them you say? No attendance? No playoffs? Would you allow me to offer a simple rebuttal?

Get fucked.

I love football I love everything about it, and this time of the year I get to sit on my ass and watch football every day. EVERY DAY!!! Look I get it, some of the games are not appealing, but it doesn't take a fucking rocket scientist to figure out that people do not want to travel to Shreveport Louisiana the day after Christmas.

And can we stop complaining about not playoffs? Yes the BCS is bass ackwards. It sucks, I get it. However, the closest thing we'll ever get is a plus one formula. This year we'd have LSU, Bama, OSU, and Stanford. I'll take that final four.

(Without bowl games we would have never known about Rusty Whitt)

Lastly, most players I've talked to love bowl games. Why? Well football players typically like playing the game, for some teams it may be their only chance to be on national TV and they get free shit. Let me make my point clear. 18-22 year olds and Best Buy shopping sprees.

In summary, go buy some shitty wine for your next pathetic dinner party and stop cluttering up my twitter feed with your incessant bitching.

Love,
Lattimer

God Bless Us, Every One!

2011-12-25T13:15:00.001-06:00

Merry Christmas from the Ghost of Roy Hobbs.

GRH Investment Opportunity

2011-12-07T09:37:00.004-06:00

I'll admit, I had way too much fun watching this video. First of all it's foreign which automatically increases the humor level by 25%. Secondly, HAHAHAHA ELECTRIC DOG COLLARS ON SOCCER PLAYERS.

Really the idea is brilliant. So brilliant that I now want to start an electric sports league. The ESL if you will. Think about it, we're just scratching the surface here. The tactics, the competition, the ELECTRICITY!!!

And it's not just limited to soccer, could you think of the fun you could have during a basketball game? it would be unreal. Oh and no probations in our league. You get in trouble and the collar goes on a different body part* for several games. So go ahead and send your money to us, and we'll get this thing rolling.

*Nut sack
**This will become an actual thing in Japan

GRH Hobbcast

2011-12-01T06:54:00.002-06:00

Listen to internet radio with Theghostofroyhobbs on Blog Talk Radio

Aaaaaaaaaaand we're back. Sorry for the absence Hobbers, we've been neck deep in shit and haven't had the time. We have a guest on tonight, James, who reps the aTm and Broncos. Tonight we talk College football, and the impending rematch between LSU and Alabama. Then we talk a little NFL, and kneel before the altar of Tebow.

So sit back with you're favorite refreshment and join us in while our soothing voices heal your broken soul.

And Now A Word on Tim Tebow

2011-11-16T14:07:00.002-06:00

For some reason, everybody only wants to talk about Tim Tebow. Every single goddamn talking head on ESPN is apparently paid per Tebow reference. Which is ok with me, because at least it's not Jerry Sandusky.

The only real problem is that every single person that talks about Tebow tries to view him through the lens that they force down our fucking throats.

How about we think outside that box for a second?

First, they regard this Bronco's scheme as some sort of batshit insane scheme - the likes of which we have never seen before. Don't they call this the wildcat in every other offense? Is there something I'm missing that makes this different? Oh yeah, Tebow's white.

Furthermore, they can't help themselves from sensationalizing EVERYTHING. The dude is 24. Why not actually try watching him play a little football, instead of skipping all the steps and asking "CAN THE BRONCOS WIN THE SUPER BOWL WITH TEBOW?!" Why not ask whether or not the Broncos can make the playoffs first? (Spoiler: Yes, the Broncos can make the playoffs. The AFC West is like the derpshit teenagers in Scream: EVERYBODY'S A SUSPECT) Why not ask if the Jaguars can win a Super Bowl with Blaine Gabbert? Or the Vikings with Christian Ponder? Aren't they his peers?

What would be nice and refreshing would be if we could all take a step back to look at Tim Tebow.

Believe it or not, there was a time when quarterbacks didn't just sit in the pocket and throw the ball, benefiting from the myriad of rules that protect them. They were just one of several ball carriers, and didn't need to slide if they ran. Tim Tebow happens to be a football player, and that's what nice about him.

I'm really sorry he flies in the face of the Tom Brady and Peyton Manning NFL that pundits and writers have been pushing at us for decades. Sorry you're having a tough time explaining him to the Sportscenter crowd. It might make it a little easier if you showed more games, and less Around the Horn.

People like to talk about how awful he is at throwing the ball. He's pretty bad at it. But so are 20 or so other starting quarterbacks. At least Tebow's useful besides that. And instead of comparing him to current pass-only quarterbacks, why not try to talk about what his strengths are?

Because they're haters. I don't exactly like Tebow or the Broncos, but I hate the haters, and I like watching somebody who's going to stick his face into the pile to try and score touchdowns.

GRH Hobbcast

2011-11-01T22:46:00.004-05:00

Listen to internet radio with Theghostofroyhobbs on Blog Talk Radio

We brought in a special guest tonight for our Hobbcast. AND SHE'S A GIRL. Tonight we wrap up the World Series, talk a little about the LSU/Bama deathmatch, and finish off with some NFL football.

Tell your friends, spread the word. Hobbs Akbar.

GRH Hobbcast

2011-10-25T22:52:00.005-05:00

Listen to internet radio with Theghostofroyhobbs on Blog Talk Radio

Stovall was out tonight so I had to take over the moderation duties. topics include NCAA football, MLB baseball, and fuck Sewanee.

Enjoy.

Investigating the perils of unemployment

2011-10-12T10:36:00.012-05:00

[Gawker Office]

New Reporter: Um, hello? Sir?

Gawker Editor: Whadda you want? Look, for the last time, if you have pictures of athletes' penises, just email them to AJ Daulerio. I don't want to see them anymore.

New Reporter: Um, no sir, I'm... I'm your new writer?

Editor: Hm? Oh, that's right. Have a seat. Let's see here. Graduated summa cum laude from University of Wisconsin Madison, did your graduate work at University of Chicago J-school. Not bad, not bad. What makes you think you have what it takes to make it here?

New Reporter: Well, I curated UW's arts magazine, was the editor of the newspaper there, and have had several pieces published in the Trib and Sun-Times.

Editor: CHILD'S PLAY. This. THIS. Is Gawker. NEW MEDIA. Have some goddamn respect. What we do here changes the way people look at the world. YOU SEE THIS?! MILLIONS OF HITS. We are leading the revolution, my friend, and I don't need any more idealistic mama's boys whining about the days of typewriters and wistfully pondering what it was like to be a newsman back in the day. I need a foot soldier for the front lines of the battle against the traditional forces. Can you be that foot soldier for me?

New Reporter: Yes, sir.

Editor: You're not gonna blow your finger off just to get out of duty, are you?

New Reporter: Um, no sir.

Editor: Good. Now here's what we got. People are all about this Occupy Wall Street business. They're out there, fighting the good fight. But we need the human element. I need you to go out there and show the world the victims. Too long have the unemployed remained faceless. Let's show the fat cats up in their ivory towers the damage that they're causing. Now there's a largely elusive group of people, virtually all unemployed, who are aching for an opportunity to speak up.

New Reporter: Disabled veterans?

Editor: No, you halfwit! If we had paper in this office, I'd roll some up and smack you across the mouth with it. I'm talking, of course, about NBA players. Look at this chart.

Editor: You see, these owners are trying to demonize their employees for falling profits. No matter that they have plenty of extra sources of income elsewhere, through concerts, circuses, TV deals and the like. They just want to squeeze their employees out of every cent they earn for them. IT'S JUST LIKE SLAVERY. Actually, figure out a way to work the word "slavery" into your piece. More controversy, more clicks.

New Reporter: Um, I don't really feel comfortable with--

Editor: Well what would you feel comfortable with, hm? A world where newsboys in their jaunty caps peddle newspapers for nickels apiece and there's no other avenue for people to absorb current events and opinion? Oh, we'd all like that. We'd enjoy the hell out of that. But that's not reality. This world has changed. I've had to adapt to survive. So many of my colleagues have fallen along the way. That's just the way the world is. Someday you'll understand.

New Reporter: Sir, aren't you 25 years old?

Editor: I sure am. Now get out there and bring me some sob stories about these players. And try to work a Hitler reference or two in, also. That always tends to boost traffic.

Later that day...

Reporter: Hi, with whom am I speaking?
Deron Williams: Yeah, this is Deron Williams. That's D-E-R-O-N.

Reporter: Yes sir, I'm aware of the spelling of your name.

Deron: Man, thank goodness. You wouldn't believe how many times they spell my name wrong over here in Turkey.

Reporter: I see. And what is it that you are doing in Turkey?

Deron: My job. I play over here until the NBA comes back.

Reporter: So you're not suffering any hardships of unemployment?

Deron: Hell no. I show up, cross some cats, dunk on people. Win some games, then go home. Easy money, man.

Reporter: Ah ok, well, thank you for your time.

Later...

Carmelo Anthony: Who dis?

Reporter: Hi, I'm with Gawker media.

Carmelo: Not my penis, man.

Reporter: Ha ha! Very good sir, no I'm doing a story on the hardships of unemployment for NBA players.

Carmelo: Ok, well I'm at New York's fashion week and these skinny bitches are making fun of my red pants. Shit's hard, man.

Reporter: Thank you for your time, sir.

Later...

Russell Westbrook: [Whispering] Hello? I really can't talk right now.

Baron Davis, Kevin Love, P. Diddy: SHHHHH!

Baron Davis: Tryin' to learn, cuz.

Russell Westbrook: Gotta go.

[click]

Later...

Reporter: Mr. James, can you give me some examples of how the NBA lockout has affected your life?

LeBron James: Hasn't really, I still play basketball, make commercials and give wedgies. And not necessarily in that order, YAKNOWWHATIMSAYIN? Up top!

Much later...

Reporter: I don't suppose you have a story about hardship related to the lockout do you.

Joakim Noah: Keeeeeyahhhh habbada na na!
Reporter: Fuck this.

GRH Hobbcast

2011-10-12T08:01:00.002-05:00

Listen to internet radio with Theghostofroyhobbs on Blog Talk Radio

Here's the latest edition of the Hobbcast. Today we talk Baseball, Football, and Post apocalyptic sporting events. I think you'll enjoy it very much.

Live Tweeting Auburn and Arkansas' Football Contest, October 8th, 2011

2011-10-10T11:29:00.004-05:00

As many of you may know, in a past life I was a journalist. It may also interest you that in this current life of mine, I ALSO made a living by journaling for publications at one point. While I don't do that anymore, I must confess, the bug to fill people's brainholes with knowledge hitherto unknown still gives me quite the itch from time to time, as well as the bedbugs that have infested my bed (NATURALLY).

Such was the case Saturday evening, when I watched the Arkansas Razorbacks play the Auburn War Eagle Tigers (I'm assuming this is some indiginous Native American mythological beast that is part tiger, part eagle, part soldier and part brown, that is able to receive large sums of money without people caring). I began tweeting behind-the-scenes facts about the game and its players. It received a BEVY of responses, and thusly, as per my journalistic mandate, I am sharing them with a larger audience to create even more responses, all of which will grant me a larger profile. Huzzah!

While some may protest my allegiances, know this: a true journalist is one who is objective almost all of the time, except when he is not.

Auburn Coach Gene Chizik looks like a flesh Muppet Jim Henson aborted and flushed down an oft-used toilet. Pretty sure that's all true.
It's a shame that the Auburn players holding the play-calling numbers on their sideline are only getting just above minimum wage.
Michael Dyer burned every bridge he had in the vertically challenged community for using lifts to alter his height. Lifts, in that community, are lies.
Arkansas RB Broderick Green gets eight to nine hours of eat a night.
Arkansas RB Dennis Johnson, who suffered a season-ending bowel injury last year, opted for an experimental, speed-enhancing prosthetic during his surgery, hence his nickname "The Batmobile."
Auburn QB Kiehl Frazier's favorite show, naturally, is "Frasier," even though he doesn't understand what a psychiatrist is or how to spell "Kyle."
Auburn's starting freshman center, No. 50, is none other than Grammy-winning singer/songwriter Adele.
Auburn's Barrett Trotter, QB, is currently under NCAA investigation for starring in one of those Toyota commercials where the parents are having a great time without him.
Gene Chizik's pregame pep talk fell flat when he told a too-soon, albeit hilarious, leprosy/Al-Davis joke. Clearly, his team is still shaken.
Auburn LB Eltoro Freeman's nickname "The Narrator" come from his ceaseless in-game orations, NOT because his dad is Morgan Freeman, which is also true.
Auburn's TE Philip Lutzenkirken is pregnant. Please do not tell his parents or the homecoming committee.
Arkansas Coach Bobby Petrino's genius does not stop on the gridiron. Not only did he invent Groucho Marx masks, but he has invested those earnings BRILLIANTLY.
Auburn's DeAngelo Benton was that kid in your 10th grade biology class that got way too into dissecting frogs. Also, he always blinks twice when he blinks.
HALFTIME: Chizik is going back to the Al-Davis-leprosy jokes to fire his team up again, this time using props. This does not bode well for Auburn.
Auburn's offensive coordinator Gus Mahlzahn has never once used toilet paper, which is somewhat disgusting. However, in his defense, he's never needed it before.
Auburn QB Kiehl Frazer went through fifteen blue mouthpieces before Gus Mahlzahn convinced him they weren't Airheads, or even edible.
Sources claim the funniest joke Auburn's Barrett Trotter has heard or told is pronouncing his favorite treat as "Famous Anus Cookies." Get it? Me neither.
~~Arkansas' Joe Adams has one rush for 92 yards, the second-longest rush in Arkansas history.~~ Sorry, that bit of trivia was irrelevant.
Kiehl Frazier has been downing Mike's Hard Lemonades since about halfway through the third quarter. This hasn't impaired his ability at all.

And BEFORE YOU KNEW IT, the game was over. Arkansas had scored 38 points, while Auburn had only scored 14. After some quick statistical analysis from replay officials, aided by the University of Arkansas' Department of Mathematical Sciences, it was determined that Arkansas had more points, and was therefore, the victor.

DID I MISS ANYTHING? Of course not. But if there were some other aspect of this game I neglected to mention due to unimportance, and you would like mentioned, mention it yourself here in our unimportant comments section.

Good day! Godspeed! Cheeseburger!

Monday Morning S--t Storm

2011-10-10T06:49:00.005-05:00

I know I've been gone for a while, but every shit stormer needs their own walk about as it were. While I was gone I've been doing things like podcasting, analyzing the offensive tendencies of 14-18 year olds, and I've joined a protest or two. Today I'm protesting work, you can follow me on twitter at #occupylattimerscouch

However, I have had some time to pursue my 7th favorite past time which is watching TV. During one of my sessions, I wondered why there weren't more TV shows centered around sports? I kind of felt like some of the humor and drama was already there, and the writers could also address some of the issues facing the sport.

To be sure, we've had shows like that. Playmakers was probably the first I can remember. The show really addressed the dark side of professional football, and it's cancellation coincides with ESPN's transition from a 20 something bachelor into a suit wearing company man.

I'm sure you all know about Friday Night Lights. (the TV show)It was fun and all. Icehouse was an extra, but let's be honest. FNL was essentially Glee for jocks.

As you can see these two great TV shows follow the same path of most sports TV shows and movies. They just blatantly throw stereotypes and issues right in your face and lack an accurate portrayal of the games. The quick and easy solution to this dilemma is fairly clear, but unfortunately David Simon is busy right now.

So our job for the shit storm is to get together and create a sports drama. In the spirit of the shit storm's triumphant return I say we work together on this one. Someone start off with a sport, and we'll just brainstorm from there.

Shit storm begin.

Delonte West has a plan

2011-09-29T10:08:00.004-05:00

If someone had asked me how Delonte West was spending the lockout, I would have taken that as creative license to make up whatever bonkers activity my feeble and withered brain could have come up with in five minutes. Heck, I might have even turned it into one of Booker Pogue and I's lists.

But no. No, according to his twitter feed, and the application above, he is now an employee at Regency Furniture. Somehow, this baffles me more than any other alternative.

True to form, Delonte West is the wild card. A few highlights of the past few years:

Boned LeBron's mom
Punched a teammate in practice
Recorded a freestyle rap about KFC in the parking lot of a KFC
Was arrested for speeding on a Spyder with two handguns and a shotgun in a guitar case

RELEVANT:

GRH Hobbcast

2011-09-27T22:52:00.003-05:00

Listen to internet radio with Theghostofroyhobbs on Blog Talk Radio

Tonight on our podcast the original 3 hold down the show and continue the fine tradition of Hobbcasting. We get into some Football discussion, while examining the curious habitat of the "Fan Bar." Later we talk a little baseball and look forward to the MLB playoffs.

Have Fun, give us feedback.

College Football Blitz Week 4

2011-09-24T09:41:00.000-05:00

Last Week: 5-1
On the season: 9-3-1

Played Cincinnati -7 Thursday Night and Central FLA -1 and the Under 45.5. Central Florida's defense gives up 10, but the special teams gives up 14. Tough loss for Don Delaware and the Golden Knights. But 2-1 is a good way to start the week, so let's go get that bookie money....

San Diego State +10.5 @ Michigan
Active coaches are 1-4 against the number versus their former team. Michigan is 6-15 in their last 21 ATS. The Aztecs will bring it against their former coach and will give a soft Wolverine defense all they want. Michigan 34-31

Ohio +4 @ Rutgers
UPSET ALERT! Frank Solich's Bobcat team is firing on all cylinders and is hands down the best team in the MAC. Rutgers is coming off a much needed bye week after being throttled by UNC. Bobcats offense is too much, Ohio 24-21

Notre Dame -6.5 @ Pitt
The Irish played how they should have played all season in last week's win vs Michigan State. This game is being played at Heinz Field, so no real advantage here for the home team. Notre Dame looks to get to .500 today, 31-17

Under 55 Tulane @ Duke
Two of the nerdiest programs in football face off today. You tell me how they'll score 8 touchdowns.

Arkansas +11.5 @ Alabama
The Hogs have been preparing since spring practice for this one at Tuscaloosa. Bobby Petrino is 10-1 against the number in his last 11 conference games. But the edge has to go to 'Bama and the defense at home. Alabama 20-17

Colorado +17 @ Ohio State
Ohio State scored 6 points last week and if the Buffalos create any sort of a lead the Buckeyes will go straight into panic mode. OSU starts a new QB today, but I don't think that equates into a 3 TD win. Ohio St. 20-10

Oklahoma St @ Texas A&M -4
The Aggies opened up with a bye week and two cupcakes. The Pokes wrapped up their game against Tulsa at 3:30 AM on Saturday due to weather. A&M has had the extra prep time and OKSt has had an unusual week. A&M and the 12th man 46-38

Kansas St +13 @ Miami FLA
Like A&M, Kansas State has had extra time to get ready for this game. The Hurricanes are coming off an emotional win and I think will be a little flat for this matchup. Miami's speed open up the game in the 2nd half. Miami 35-24

GRH Hobbcast

2011-09-20T22:48:00.006-05:00

Listen to internet radio with Theghostofroyhobbs on Blog Talk Radio

As always, we bring the thunder today. We talk College football, and a little NFL. I let my rage fly on Washington Redskins fans. Don Delaware again shows why he's the best in the business. Icehouse shows up late dropping bombs, and Stovall again shows us why he's the only one allowed to moderate the thing.

Your daily reminder that the NBA is locked out

2011-09-15T10:32:00.002-05:00

Brought to you by Samuel L. Jackson.

College Football Blitz Week 3

2011-09-13T23:43:00.007-05:00

It's been a while, but I'm back. I make picks and you make $$$, it's as easy as that. So go grab your wallet, bet next month's rent and lets get this bookie money.

LSU Tigers -3.5 @ Mississippi State Bulldogs (Thursday Night)

Preparation is key to having success in football. LSU has had that luxury, Miss St. has not. While the Bayou Bengals were at home last week vs N'western St., Miss. St went on the road and lost to Auburn. Now in the short week, LSU will have the extra preparation time for all the looks a Dan Mullen offense will throw at you, while Miss St. began install for LSU on Sunday. At 3.5 points, you can't afford to not play LSU. Tigers win 27-14

Auburn Tigers @ Clemson Tigers -3.5

We're betting against Auburn here, more than we are betting for Clemson. Remember this Auburn team was a 5.5 point dog at home last week for a reason: they are a team of mostly freshman. A critical error will be made and Clemson will capitalize. Book It. Clemson 27 Auburn 16

Ole Miss Rebels @ Vanderbilt Commodores +1.5

Houston Nutt does not cover as a favorite. Period. (see Jacksonville St.) James Franklin is leading a fired up Commodore team who is looking to go 3-0 for the first time in forever. The Music City and Dr. Joe T will be rockin come Saturday. Ole Miss 13 Vanderbilt 17

Tennessee Vols +10 @ Florida Gators

Backing Volunteer QB Tyler Bray and the trends in this one. Bray has thrown for nearly 700 yards and 7 TD's in his first two games. He is a true sophomore, but carries himself like a 5th year senior. Tennessee is 6-1-1 in their last 8 games overall and the road team is 7-3-1 in the last 11 meetings between the Gators and Vols. Its hostile in the swamp, but Bray and company cover the spread late. Florida 28-20

Michigan State Spartans @ Notre Dame Fightin' Irish -4.5

Love me or hate me for this pick, but I am on Notre Dame this week. Brian Kelly's squad starts off 0-2, but could very easily be 2-0. Turnovers and Denard Robinson have plagued Notre Dame in its first 2 games. I don't see either of those playing a factor in this game. Touchdown Jesus! ND 38-17

Don Delaware's "I just feel lucky" parlay of the week: Florida St. +3 and the under 55

No explanation, I just feel lucky. Its a big game on Saturday Night for this Top 5 match up. Emotions run high, bootyholes get tight, playcalling gets conservative. FSU 24 Sooners 21

GRH Podcast

2011-09-13T22:48:00.003-05:00

Listen to internet radio with Theghostofroyhobbs on Blog Talk Radio

WHOOOOOOO BOY!!!

We have a good one this week. Contributor, and friend of the program, Don Delaware drops by to give us some knowledge bombs on the NFL and NCAA weekend. We give you a little of what we think about the past weekend. Share our opinions on the coaching change at our Alma Mater. And freely hand out the best tailgaiting advice you'll ever receive.

You're welcome.

Mark Cuban Doesn't Understand College Football

2011-09-08T14:15:00.003-05:00

Cubes. You won a championship. That was cool. I like that you are all about your organization and your players, but this last blog post... man you're way off.

Let's see what he has to say.

Here is some unsolicited advice to the Big 12.

Your job is to own an NBA team. ALL of your advice is unsolicited if it is not directed at 29 other people in the world.

With Texas A&M trying to leave the Big 12 (It doesn’t happen until the SEC accepts them) every remaining school is trying to decide in the immortal lyrics of The Clash “Should I Stay or Should I Go”. The quick answer? They should stay.

I'm hip! I'm cool! I'm down with it!

*Does Macarena*

1. More schools will NOT mean more TV money.

Considering how Cuban is only rich because he sold his free television internet service to Yahoo! for $6 billion, I'm just going to go ahead and assume his understanding of "TV money" is different than those of us here in reality.

The big college TV networks, Fox, ESPN, CBS pay for quality, not quantity. They need marquee matchups

This whole conference shuffle began because ESPN signed a $300 million contract for a team that finished 5-7 last season. Furthermore, every SEC fan watches EVERY SEC GAME. Mississippi State v. Kentucky? FUCK YES. Because outside of college football, Southeastern Americans have nothing to live for.

Adding Texas A&M to the SEC is not going to add a single dollar’s worth of value to the owner of the SEC TV contract, regardless of sport.

Yes it will, in potential dollars, because now the SEC has access to a major city. Something they have heretofore lacked, outside of Atlanta.

Maybe the SEC has an escalator in their contract that increases the total value of the TV contract

They do. If the SEC increases past 12 teams, they renegotiate. And now they have Houston's TV market and the past five national championships to drive up the price.

2. Fans will hate the scheduling impact

Possibly. Explain yourself.

You know how there is midnight madness in college basketball?

Yes, stupid NCAA rules prohibit them from practicing until the stroke of midnight, October 15th.

And late night and games scheduled at weird times for basketball?

All professional games are scheduled at 7:00 pm, local time. ZOMG! WHY IS THIS GAME STARTING AT 9?! Time zones, buddy. Those of us that don't fly on private jets to attend every game of our favorite team have learned to deal with them.

I’m guessing that the only way to get all those games through a single TV network partner is to start very, very early or to go very very late.

Or have regional broadcasts, like they already do. Cubes probably has no idea that when the Mavs are on Fox Sports, the Rockets are on Fox Sports in Houston and the Spurs are on Fox Sports in Central Texas.

3. Say Goodbye to Cupcake Football Games

THANK GOD!

Sure Utah State can take Auburn to the wire every now and then, but the reality is most BCS title aspiration (not all) schools have 3 or 4 cupcake games on their schedule.

Gotcha, so really good teams will have to play really well to go undefeated. Again, THANK GOD.

4. Goodbye Geographic Rivalry Games

Because Notre Dame/USC made sense.

All those natural rivalries of Texas A&M in and around the state of Texas will be impacted.

Possibly. Although A&M only has two actual rivals in the state. One is The University of Texas, and there's no way they stop playing each other. The other, by sheer technicality, would be TCU ("Gig 'Em" became a rally cry because "Frog gigging" is something hillbillies do for fun/when they are hungry. Hence, "Gig 'Em" essentially means "Kill the TCU Horned Frogs"). Oh, and before you say Texas Tech, they have no rival, because we all forgot about them.

And as far as new rivalries, it’s a long drive for fans from College Station to Alabama, Florida, South Carolina

*Looks at map*

College Station to Baton Rouge is 340 miles. Gainesville to Athens is 340 miles (yes I know they play in a neutral location, shut up).

I don’t care how good a game OU vs Oregon could hypothetically be...

Possible championship quality.

fans from both sides are going to second guess the economics of going to the games.

Cubes has clearly never met a Sooner. Their whole thing is road trips, straight down to their mascot.

IN CONCLUSION:
Things Cuban is good at:
-Cashing in on the dotcom boom
-Investing in tequila companies (note: fiction only)
-Getting role players from shitty teams in exchange for overrated players who don't fit into the Mavs

Things Cuban is bad at:
-Class
-Tact
-Haircuts
-Wearing cool clothes
-Understanding College Football

John Calipari killed a guy

2011-09-07T11:41:00.003-05:00

Not really. He was just coaching the Dominican Republic National Basketball team yesterday, and this ended up happening. Remember Edgar Sosa, who used to play for Louisville? Well, don't worry. You'll likely never hear of him every again after this injury.

OH MY GOD LOOK AT HIS LEG!

Furthermore, is there anyone more fitting than Calipari to be wearing a Panama hat, puffing on a fine cigar, wearing an unbuttoned Guayabera with little beads of sweat on his forehead?

Besides me, of course.

GRH College Football Preview Part Deux

2011-08-29T22:51:00.003-05:00

Listen to internet radio with Theghostofroyhobbs on Blog Talk Radio

This week we wrap up our college football coverage this. Returning to us is our West Coast friend Cole along with our new guest Jeff. We try to clean up our preview of the SEC, and then talk some national topics. In this episode you'll hear strong homerisms for both Arkansas and Oregon. Icehouse bathes in the tears of OU fans, while Jeff busts out some bold predictions. Oh and we got cut off again for the second week in a row, which is nice.

Hey What's Up

2011-08-29T08:54:00.003-05:00

Hey What's Up? I'm NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. You know the guy who ~~fines everyone~~ single handedly saved the NFL lockout using his charm and whit.

Anyway, I know the fans still have some lingering disgust towards the league because of the lockout. Which is why I'm going on a grassroots campaign and encourage individuals to hold football parties, visit your favorite bar, buy official gear at the NFL teamshop, and to play fantasy football.

GRH has set up its own little league, so I'm here to give you a couple tips.

-Tom Brady=Championship. I'll make damn sure of that.
-Same goes for Pey Pey
-Obviously Terrell Pryor is out 5 games because you know, I can
-Kenny Britt however, is a great late round pick!
-Be wary of the Steelers D with all the fines and what not
-Generally favor any Large market or national appeal team.

If you follow these rules I feel like you have a good chance to win. I've won my league every year I've been commissioner, because you know, I can.

So your instructions for The Ghost of Roy Hobbs league. Go to Yahoo (Yahoo? oh what the fuck lattimer) Go to yahoo and create a profile. Then go to fantasy sports/fantasy football. Ask to join a private league.

League ID= 677531
Password= grh

have fun! ~~while it lasts because someday the NFL will own all rights to this and you'll have to pay a $30 tribute to the all mighty Roger just for the right to play.~~

Look at these two pictures of the Gipper

2011-08-25T11:19:00.002-05:00

Pretty crazy, right?

College Football Preview part 1

2011-08-23T22:56:00.003-05:00

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We lost our QB for this podcast, but we didn't back down. Why? Because we're GAMERS that's why. In this episode, we dish out our conference previews, Icehouse reveals the darkness of Texas football, and Dr. Joe gives us his new team. Even better, we had our first guest Cole drop some Pac 12 knowledge, while also telling us about the mysteries and wonders of Portland. We dropped so analysis bombs so this went 45 mins, and since we are poor, and don't pay for blog talk, we got cut off at the end. Fear not Hobbers, we will finish with part two in the coming future.

TRIPLE PLAY!

2011-08-22T08:39:00.002-05:00

What's the verdict on this? Obviously, the baserunners from the Omaham Storm Chasers (lol) look like doofuses (doofi?). Now, Nashville Sounds (awful name) center fielder Logan Schafer did a great job of tracking the ball down, but he probably should have caught it on the first go-round, and not off of his noggin.

I think the real winner here is the Sounds' manager. Because his name is Don Money.

So you can shit storm if you want about why this play is brilliant/dubious. Or about favorite triple plays. Or whatever.

GRH Podcast #6

2011-08-16T22:41:00.002-05:00

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Well we brought the thunder tonight. We start off with Miami, aids, and abortions. We talk a little NFL, then move to favorite 90's baseball players, and as always finish it off with our thoughts of the week.

Be sure to check us out next week when we drop knowledge bombs with our CFB preview. And we get our first guest.

Scabs does yoga

2011-08-10T09:21:00.003-05:00

Brian Scalabrine: I call this position ginger's plight. It symbolizes the struggle of the red-haired human species in the face of daunting pressure to fit in despite being hideously ugly.

Now let's transition through vomiting giraffe to open clambake. Ah, that takes me back. Remember when I was on the Celtics and everyone loved me? They even had a nickname for me: Mascot. I'm not sure what it means, I'm not as plugged into urban culture as I used to be. Now breathe deeply, you feel that? The opening of the chest along the lateral plane? That's why this pose is so popular with expecting mothers.

Ok, now take a twirling monkey into presenting panda. Mmmmmm. Breathe deeply, settle into it. Oooh, I'm tight back there today. Yeah. It's stretches like this that keep me limber throughout the grind of the NBA season. Hm? No, I've never played a full NBA season. How many what? Oh, I played 88 minutes last season. Including the playoffs.

Look, whatever. It's a great way to meet chicks. Which... is why... I'm doing it in a park with a dude. Wait a second, who are you?

Random gay dude: Just someone who's enjoying the view ya big flame-ball.

GRH Podcast #5

2011-08-02T22:33:00.004-05:00

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Today on this our 5th PODCAST!!! We talk about shitty sports movies. (Here is the post where I destroy The Replacements) The moves following the NFL lockout. Dr. Joe's Love of the ~~Tennessee Titans, Seattle Seahawks~~, PHILADELPHIA EAGLES!!! And we end it with a little Randy Moss and as always, our thoughts for the day.

We've noticed listeners have gone up. So please if you have any comments drop us a line and tell us how we're doing.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

2011-08-01T09:35:00.001-05:00

No Shit Storm today.

Instead, read this narrative of the mission to kill Bin-Laden.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

2011-07-29T10:42:00.004-05:00

Swag.

Not so much.

Back to swag.

OK. I'm doing this fun bag because all of these goddamn videos are making my browser crash. WOOO. WEEKEND. FOOTBALL IS BACK IN TWO WEEKS.

If you gotta drink beer, drink it for a good cause.

Skipping rope is great exercise.

Skipping in Slow Motion. In a Bikini... alternate music from photography-factory.co.uk on Vimeo.

I have no idea why, but this commercial has made me laugh five different times.

IMPORTANT:

I know this is a joke, but 99% of Longhorns fans would be totally ok with any of these promos.

And now, three and a half minutes of pain.

Have fun this weekend. Case McCoy's ready to party (orange hat).

Stop the NBA lockout.

2011-07-28T17:32:00.002-05:00

This isn't the worst thing that could happen. Amar'e is a pretty fashion forward dude, what with attending fashion shows and shit like that.

But that's him. What happens when other NBAers decide to show off their entrepreneurial skills. Delonte West fragrances, that's what will happen. And fuck that noise.

GRH Podcast

2011-07-26T22:37:00.004-05:00

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We did another little podcast this evening. Topics include, Football, Football, Baseball, and a hint of crazy.

We appreciate the responses, If you'd like to be a guest hit us up in the comments or our email. As you can tell we'll talk about any topic.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

2011-07-25T07:48:00.004-05:00

I don't think we've ever done this before.

Shitstorm is favorite female athlete.

My favorite is obviously, Jackie Joyner Kersee. I met her once, she told me good luck with football, and she won my undying devotion.

Your turn, go.

The Good Dr. Joe Joins us on the GRH podcast

2011-07-21T22:33:00.005-05:00

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Dr. Joe T, expert in sports, funny and basic food groups joins us on this episode to reinforce the thunder continually dropped on the hobbers.

Check Joe out here on twitter.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

2011-07-18T07:18:00.004-05:00

Yesterday I was running some errands when I saw several kids "planking." Then this morning I wake up and read that "owling" is the new craze. I don't understand it, but if perching like an Owl floats your boat then by all means, Owl away.
http://i2.squidoocdn.com/resize/squidoo_images/-1/lens18141519_1310457159owling-meme.jpg

So for this shit storm we're going to come up with the new photo craze. I nominate "rocking" where you just curl up like a rock or boulder in public spaces. Begin.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

2011-07-15T16:36:00.002-05:00

JaVale McGee loves planking.

OK. Ok. We haven't had a fun bag in some time. It's ok though. We're doing fine. We've just, you know, had better stuff to do than post days-old videos of stuff. The Internet works at lightspeed, people. Posting a weekly recap is like writing an obituary nowadays.

But whatever. It's still fun.

For instance, here's a girl eating it on a bike.

I remember when this happened. Someone posted it on twitter today, which brought me back to the good times of when Stromile Swift was doing this instead of stalking chicks.

Heath Bell grew up watching Angels in the Outfield.

And that's all I got. Except for another JaVale planking picture.

God help me, I think they're hilarious.

Chris Paul guides a field trip

2011-07-11T11:44:00.005-05:00

Chris Paul: So now, children, if you'll follow me, you'll get a great view of the Statue of Liberty. The Statue of Liberty (Liberty Enlightening the World, French: La Liberté éclairant le monde) is a colossal neoclassical sculpture on Liberty Island in New York Harbor, designed by Frédéric Bartholdi and dedicated on October 28, 1886. The statue, a gift to the United States from the people of France, is of a robed female figure representing Libertas, the Roman goddess of freedom, who bears a torch and a tabula ansata (a tablet evoking the law) upon which is inscribed the date of the American Declaration of Independence. A broken chain lies at her feet. The statue has become an icon of freedom and of the United States.

When the Statue of Liberty arrived here, President Grover Cleveland, who was the best President in the league, said, "what the fuck, France? I know I wanted something tall, but this useless lump of shit is not gonna get me past Dallas. This big concrete bitch isn't getting us to the finals, FRANCE. We're not even a goddamn playoff country anymore!"

And France was all, "we gotta make due with what we got, we're financially insolvent! We had to be bought out because we can't make ends meet!" At the same time as all this, ALL of Grover Cleveland's friends went to go play in Miami without him. Ain't that some shit? Grover Cleveland's trying to do the right thing by America, but he keeps getting fucked over by the powers that be.

Then a fucking lockout happened, and Grover Cleveland couldn't be President for a whole year. Shit.

Emeka Okafor: So... are we still going to go see Spiderman on Broadway?

Monday Morning S--t Storm

2011-07-04T07:57:00.003-05:00

The 4th of July? On a Monday?

Why it's a GRH MIRACLE!!!

I love the 4th so much. I recently interacted with some Brits in the past several weeks. Long story short we got to explaining cultural differences, and the 4th came up. After explaining that we have a holiday celebrating the giant middle finger we gave to their country, I explained that the 4th was Food, Beer, and Explosions.

I live in a pussy firework state that only sells pussy fireworks. To be honest with you it's not even worth shooting the bullshit they sell. So I have to relive my youth through watching youtube videos of people being awesome with fireworks.

The shit storm is to send us awesome firework videos from youtube or something captured on your own.

Godspeed.

Life Lessons from Herm Edwards

2011-06-30T07:05:00.002-05:00

Surprisingly, I have nothing to say.

Analyzing Ceremonial First Pitches

2011-06-29T10:36:00.006-05:00

Every professional baseball game has the ceremonial first pitch. This tradition kind of confused me at first, but when I realized how anticlimatic actual first pitches are, I understood that the ceremonial first pitch is a good substitute for a tip-off, face-off, kick off, or what have you.

So now I like the ceremonial first pitch. Specifically, I like that I know have a relatable benchmark to measure myself against people more famous/important/lucky than me. For instance, I know Ryan Reynolds is a sexy piece of ripped manmeat, but how's his arm? Two-seamer of four-seamer? Shit like that.

Our 43rd President had a baseball pedigree and even in retirement still had the oomph to throw a strike.

Which makes me wish he just caught that one dude's shoe and hummed it back at him. How awesome would that have been? As a comparison, the current President, an admitted White Sox fan, one-hopped his most recent effort.

There have been a string of recent memorable first pitches. Unfortunately for the youngest of the group, John Wall ended up doing his best Mariah Carey impression.

If I was in charge of the black arts of sports superstition, your best player throwing like a girl would be the equivalent of throwing a black cat through a mirror placed under a ladder.

Dirk's motion was pretty hilarious. He got the ball over the plate, but it probably wouldn't have been a strike, even on himself.

I would really like to know who could throw the best ceremonial first pitch. I'd love it if some celeb could sling one in the low 80s. I bet Redford could, back in the day. Furthermore, I think the holy grail would be some actress hucking a knuckleball that the catcher couldn't handle.

Until then, we'll just have to settle for either the embarrassment of local heroes, or shit like this.

BAAAAAAAALK!

Monday Morning Shit Storm

2011-06-27T11:19:00.003-05:00

Over the weekend, several of the GRH Faithful convened in Alton, Illinois for mild debauchery and much rain dancing. While there, we adopted two young men who were canoeing down the length of the Mighty Mississippi River. Naturally, their tales of adventure was well received by we men of fortune. Going out on the river, living off the land and kindness of strangers and being men under the sun intrigued us greatly.

Then we drank a bunch of jello shots with them and they turned out to be chill guys.

You can follow their exploits here, but this leads the Hobbertariat to a greater query, aptly in time for the MMSS: Of any manly bucket list feat of masculine prowess one could reasonable accomplish, what would you do and why?

For example, Icehouse once rode a bicycle from Houston to Austin for charity. Hear hear, mighty Icehouse! However, if you've already done some great feat of note, understand it must come with a suggestion for something you'd like to do to. We require this as a toll for your braggardness, though we would enjoy hearing the tale.

I want to backpack through Europe. Literally, one backpack with my necessities, phone and credit card only for life-threatening emergencies, a set amount of cash (with an understanding that I may have to work or barter some of my belongings for more currency later), and the boots on my feet. I got a taste of it in high school, traveling from Paris to Rome, through Nice and Florence, but it was well-organized, comfortable, and I was in high school and was therefore retarded. I want to see it as a man.

Hobbers: Manly voyage, undertaking, or whatever. Commence.

Zach and Kendrick share a moment.

2011-06-21T15:30:00.005-05:00

The following took place between 11:35 and 11:24 of the third quarter in game 4 of the Thunder/Grizzlies series.

Zach: Hey what's up fam?

Kendrick: [mumble]

Zach: Hey you like pork chops? I probably smell like pork chops. I had two on the way to the stadium today. Coach Hollins was all, 'yo, you're getting dijon sauce all over my suit' but I was like, 'watch yo ass.'"

Kendrick: [mumble]

Zach: Y'hear how Sam Young got his car jacked? You know who did it?

Kendrick: [mumble]

Zach: Say what? Motherfucker if you ain't bein' straight with me, we're gonna have more than words, you feel me?

Kendrick: [mumble]

Zach: Word?

Kendrick: [mumble]

Zach: Aight cuz. We straight. Hey what's a good casino round here? I went to this one indian cas--

Kendrick: [mumble]

Zach: My b. I went to this one Native American casino last week. I walked in the door and was immediately covered in smoke. They didn't even have no bar, just cigarettes. I walk around these broke ass machines and was all 'say where's the craps table?' They told me the only games they had was video poker. NOT A GAME, FAM. THAT'S BASICALLY A SLOT MACHINE.

Kendrick: [mumble]

Zach: For reals. Let's smush our manboobs together.

Carmelo: Whatchu think about this one, Chauncey?

Chauncey: Not his best work.

Carmelo: Word on that.

Mavs Win Championship; Party

2011-06-15T13:14:00.014-05:00

The Mavericks finally won the 'chip over the weekend, outpimping everybody.

The Mavs were a better-built team, they are better coached and their best player(s) played very well. Moreover, their owner shut his trap and fans (for the most part) did not complain about the officiating of the game.

After game 6, they partied their asses off, which I think we can all respect. They went to LIV, (where LeBron's mom was arrested a couple of months ago) and owner Mark Cuban spent $300,000 (but the stingy motherfucker only left a 7% tip).

Below are some of my favorite pictures from the party.

Dirk takes $80,000 bottle of Ace straight to the dome. No flutes for the finals MVP.

Your dad was at the party. He's the bald one with the tucked-in shirt.
I'm also curious as to whether or not Ian Mahinmi had to pay for his own drinks. I would have made him buy a round of shots for every airball he had in the finals (that's four rounds of shots, people).

And of course, when someone loses $2 million by betting against you, you might as well be magnanimous and let him drink off your tab.

On the way home...

Then the Mavs did something pretty cool that we can actually relate to: they took the trophy to a local dive bar that has a reputation for serving extremely strong drinks and throwing my friend out when he pukes on himself. It is also the same place Dirk and Nash went on their well-documented excursion.

Brian Cardinal photobomb!

And of course, expelling the booze (note: this isn't at the Loon).

Unfortunately, nobody remembered to tell Deshawn Stevenson that you're supposed to stop drinking after a spell. He was arrested in Irving for public intoxication. Something so sad about seeing Abraham Lincoln in a mug shot.

One thing's for certain. The Mavs had at least one angel on their side.

The 1,000 Club

2011-06-13T22:33:00.005-05:00

Well it's been a long hard ride Hobbers, but we've finally reached our 1,000 post. If you know any of us you know that we like to party, so we partied in the only way we know how.

PODCASTING!!!

Listen to internet radio with Theghostofroyhobbs on Blog Talk Radio

Honestly, it went really well. Stovall is a natural host, Icehouse brings the flavor, and once I stop hitting the hold button on my Iphone and talking over people ~~we'll make millions!!!~~ We'll have a pretty good show.

In the future we'll have some guests on with some relevant topics.

It will be awesome.

We thank you for your support.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

2011-06-10T15:34:00.007-05:00

Oof. Icehouse hasn't been here in a while, and that's mostly my fault. I say mostly, but it's everyone's fault besides mine. Whatever. Daddy's here now and he's got some sweet ass content for you.

Not really, it's mostly pictures that have been sitting on my desktop. God I'm lazy.

So let's get it kicked off!

First up, even though Free Darko is no longer, you can still get some sweet ass stuff from their store, but it's for a limited time only. If anyone wants to buy me this poster, I'd send you a thank you email.

Moving on, here's a very uncomfortable ticket to a game.

Andrei Kirilenko is doing more to become the WereRussian.

Hockey is happening. So is this.

JaVale McGee now has a Guiness World Record, and it's not for having the most capitalized letters in his name.

Joe Paterno is contemplative, and has some ice cream.

Be nice to bikers. They have to deal with some serious bullshit.

Shawn Marion hasn't given a fuck in ages.

Steve Breaston be deep, yo.

This video is kind of the shit, but on the real, nobody should be comparing LeBron (or anyone for that matter) to Michael Jordan. Moreover, Scottie Pippen is a dumbshit.

All things considered, this is a pretty legit brawl.

Scooter Biceps is hilarious.

Have fun out there, fuckers. Also, we have a surprise coming for you for the next post. One love.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

2011-06-06T08:10:00.002-05:00

Well this happened

(well played Japan)

Obviously this is great, however it begs the question. What other sporting events could we pit professionals and 100 kids against each other?

You would think football, and I'd agree with you, but this is what I'm thinking. We have 100 kids in a skate park trying to skate(all at the same time) against Tony Hawk.

It would be a confined park for comedic purposes, but I just really want to see him plow through 100 kids then do a 900 then do some ollie of their head. That would be fun right?

Shit storm begin

Don't Mess With the Street

2011-06-03T07:55:00.003-05:00

You can make fun of me all you want. But I have several rules. Don't mess with my family, don't mess with my dog, and don't mess with SESAME STREET.

I know we don't like politics on this blog, but I feel that if you come at Big Bird, I have to step up.

So here's the first problem. Shapiro obviously got his ass kicked in school. "I want to put a cap in them?" That was easily the least gangster shit I've ever seen in my entire life, and trust me, I know non-gangster shit. I look in the mirror every morning.

You wan't to see something gangster? Here's Bert and Ernie calling fish into a boat.

Next he says Sesame Street was made for "impoverished blacks and hispanics." Which is partially true. Sesame Street was made for ALL low socio-economic children. So that they would have a supplementary resource TO LEARN HOW TO READ, WRITE, AND PERFORM BASIC MATH SKILLS. So yes, In a country that these assholes think they live in. A country where everyone can make it if you work hard. Sesame Street is a bad thing, because It's an educational resource for kids to learn (Kids, who may not have all the shithead resources your parents bought for you.)

Let me make my point a little more to clearer. He said Sesame Street was bad because it helps low socio-economic kids learn. Learning is bad.

So yes. All of those studies that show how Sesame Street is correlated to increased academic achievement are bullshit. Especially during formative years which are critical to a child's development. But yes, bash Sesame Street because it helps kids learn, it's a shocking thing to do, and you're an asshole.

But here's the funny thing. I watched a ton of Sesame Street growing up, as well as Square One!!! and Reading Rainbow. However, people who know me would tell me I'm fairly conservative. I bitch all the time about taxes, and bureaucracy. But shit I still kiss my copy of The Wealth of Nations before I go to bed every night. I guess I wasn't corrupted by all those words and numbers Big Bird threw into my face. You know who else used words and numbers? STALIN!!!

Speaking of Adam Smith, do you ever get the feeling that these people like the IDEA of Adam Smith and not the actual philosophy? I mean I like the idea of being a vegetarian, but shit, I love those steaks.

I mean, shit they were bitching about a male prom queen in VA. (and to Ms. USA 2008: hmmmmmm looks like SOMEONE lost a prom election) But really, isn't a prom court essentially a representation of the open market of high school popularity? Isn't this the competition you speak of? Let me give you other examples of the capitalism (market) we all know and love. The Presidential Election, The Grange Fair Apple Pie competition, The Baseball Hall of Fame, the NFL Hall of Fame, being in a relationship, finding a spouse, Being a successful Radio host, Being a successful TV host. A gay kid won prom queen and wasn't killed and strapped to a fence. There are worse things that can happen.

If you'll allow me to put on my tin foil hat, here's where I think these people aren't actually Americans, but rather, CHINESE SPIES!!! EVERY blue blooded American knows that nobody actually gives a shit about the prom king/queen. We didn't even have a court in high school and I bet most people couldn't remember their king/queen. Point is, everyone knows that prom isn't about that. It's about getting wasted at the after party. Shit, that's like America 101.

But here's the real problem. They make fun of liberal douchetards for trying to force their agenda on them, yet they want people to watch THEIR shows, read THEIR books, Live in the world like THEM. So congrats guy who got his ass kicked in high school, Ms. USA 2008, and Shawn Uberamerican. You've succeeded in making me disagree with you just as much as I disagree with self righteous liberals. I didn't use the word hate because Elmo taught me not to use that word.

Way to go assholes, you just went and pissed off the wrong crew.

But I hear you loud and clear. Teaching kids is wrong. I'm done here, take the mic Ernie

GRH: The Directors Cut

2011-05-31T22:20:00.001-05:00

Listen to internet radio with Theghostofroyhobbs on Blog Talk Radio

Oh, you thought we were joking about the podcast? Is this just a game to you? Well ummm, sooooo, like, this is Real!!! We're doing this in THIRTY MINUTE SEGMENTS!!!

But yeah, we're still looking for topics and guests, so fire away with your ideas or get in touch with us if you want to call in.

If nothing else I promise you I will find a suitable Guile Theme to end our new experiment.

Friday afternoon Fun Bag!!!!

2011-05-27T11:35:00.004-05:00

Oh man, the Friday before memorial day has to be a top ten least productive day. Correct? and no, packing coolers and buying food does not count as productivity, that's a necessity.

Anyway, time to get down and party. Tom Brady is already two steps ahead of us.

Obama is again, already two steps ahead.

Speaking of late night shows, Jimmy Fallon has been killing it. I used to absolutely loathe Fallon on SNL, but I have to give him credit for his Neil Young impression. Graham Nash What What!!!

The Muppets will make any movie awesome.

South Park took on the NCAA in a recent episode. I DARE you to not think of Cartman's ridiculous southern plantation owner accent every time you hear "Student Athletes"

For all the irrational Lebron haters out there.

Memorial Weekend is the unofficial start to backyard games season. I'm partial to Quoits, but it seems like everyone likes cornhole, so whatever.

Finally, The Indy 500 is this weekend. Instead of just putting up some godaddy ad with Danica Patrick looking sexy but not doing anything (similar to her racing career) Or bitching about how my childhood idol, Michael Andretti, always got screwed out of Indy wins. I'll just let Bunny explain it.

Ok let's get our Picnic on.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

2011-05-20T22:17:00.006-05:00

Oh sure, I'm posting this on the weekend, but that's because it's important.

You may have noticed that we've slacked on the posting a little. The reason is because ~~we're totally lazy and we have fucking lives~~ WE'VE BEEN BUILDING UP TO AN IMPORTANT EVENT!!!

You see, we are now 7 posts away from reaching 1,000.

Yes, what started as an innocent Gchat "Hey Icehouse we should start a sports blog." Turned into a phone call "Hey Lattimer, we have a blog It's called The Ghost of Roy Hobbs" which then turned into another Gchat "How the fuck do you embed videos?" Which then led to another Gchat "who the fuck is scooter biceps?" "Oh that's Stovall" and the Rest is GRH history.

Skip until the end to get the actual shit storm

I still remember that phone call. I was walking into the library ready for my first masters class. But, damn the fact that Icehouse started this and kept it going was one of the better things in my life. That may sound cheesy, but it's true. We all put up with such bullshit during the day, and this humble little corner of the internets allow us, the writers, to hash out our love or rage of certain topics.

Icehouse once told me that a very smart individual once described our blog as "irreverent." For some reason I was really excited, because that's us. We do the real shit at work and GRH is our time to debate trivial topics like "what sport would politicians play" or "hey that dunk was awesome." However, on the same blog we'll go into ranty rant mode and talk about shit we think is wrong. We call out sportswriters when they get to high on the horses they're riding.

Some people build model trains. We make liquor bottles into actual individuals. That's what we do.

But again, we really do it for you, The Hobbers. I can't tell you how many times we get excited because someone says "hey that post was great" or "_______ is reading our blog" It really gets us motivated to find more funny videos, highlights, and topics to rant about. We've had a core group of readers, and you know who you are. We love and appreciate you.

End here for the actual shit storm
So for the actual shit storm. For you the reader. You beautiful bastards who give us feedback. The spammers from China. The rando's from Ukraine. We ask what we should do for the 1,000 post?

We're thinking of trying to pull off a podcast, which we'll fuck up, but it would be a good time. We were thinking of having an allstar cast of our best writers and commenters. Maybe even having a drinking game. (If the game is any time I say "uhhh" you are all going to the hospital)

Now, back to business as usual.

OMG! PLAYOFF CALIBER FUNK!

2011-05-20T11:43:00.003-05:00

~~German Hank Hill~~ Dirk made OKC look silly the other night, knocking down 48 pale and uninspiring points, none of which made while breathing through his nostrils. Last night, Alabaster Jones got his. And how!

Oklahoma City plays Dallas in the Western Conference Finals.

2011-05-17T08:59:00.003-05:00

This video pretty much sums up this series. Dallas is about as lame and white as Hank, while the new kids from OKC have flavor, like Alabaster Jones.

I think the Grizz would have had a better chance to beat the Mavs. They play a slowed-down game, and pound the rock inside, which are two things the Mavs haven't been great against historically. They also took 3 out of 4 against Dallas this season.

The Thunder play an up-and-down game very similar to the Mavs, and match up pretty evenly against them (until you get to the bench), so get ready for a lot of points.

The real tragedy of this game is that it's on ESPN instead of TNT. FREE CHUCK AND C-WEBB!

Monday Morning S--t Storm

2011-05-16T07:07:00.003-05:00

I have a strong affection for gym class. Some of you may have horrifying stories, or your teacher was a dick, but I've had nothing but positive experiences learning about physical education.

When I was real young it was kind of stupid. We did all that parachute bullshit, but it was still a break from learning cursive.

Then, in 4th grade everything changed. I got a gym teacher who didn't give two shits about actual teaching and let us just ball out of control. I'm talking basketball, pickleball, bombardment, powerball, team hand ball, and floor hockey every day.

In high school it got even better. Our teacher was so relaxed that during my free periods I'd walk into a freshman class and either hang out or join in a game.

I feel like we need to recognize our favorite games, so for this shit storm select your favorite PE game.

My selection has to be floor hockey. I love that game so much. In fact, now I'm going to start googling local floor hockey leagues.

Shit storm begin

Weekend Fun Bag!!!

2011-05-14T16:32:00.005-05:00

Look. We've been slow lately, but it's not our fault. Blogger was down yesterday, and quite frankly we didn't care to check after 4 pm.

Plus, we know everyone reads this stuff on Sunday. Oh that's right, we have sitemeter, we know your game commenters. Especially YOU from Praha, Hlavni Mesto Praha in the Czeck Republic. You know who you are.

Anyway WOOOOOO WEEKEND!!!

Brian knows what I'm talking about. RIGHT!!!

/high five

We've got some good basketball ahead of us. Unfortunately, Blake Griffin is not a part of that basketball. So just to remind you, here's a video of him dunking in high school.

Speaking of basketball. I love our country so much because cops dunking balls while on horseback elicts USA chants.

Hobbers, I know you guys like to have fun, but seriously don't do it it the park, it just really fucks up the landscaping. In other news, I really want to hang out with this guy.

Here's something new I learned this week. The rivalry between two Scottish soccer teams, Celtic/Rangers, is really a old secretarianism issue which stems from bigotry between Catholics and Protestants. It's gone so far that Celtic coach, Neil Lennon, has been sent bombs, and bullets in the mail. And recently he was just attacked on the field. I've told people not to underestimate the craziness of Scottish protestants, but I feel like we really need to put this in perspective. It's still just soccer. Nobody is going to ACTUALLY get hurt.
/Baits ~~soccer~~ Football fans

Finally, I know we have a lot of young graduates here. Did you graduate? You did CRAZEE things? No Way? You had, like, tons of fun, met new friends? Wait you found yourself?!?! That's, like, totally different from everyone else's experience. As a member of society I'd like to say. Welcome to our world bitch. Hope you like shit sandwiches.

Marlins Grounds Crew Plays Like an Expansion Grounds Crew

2011-05-12T15:02:00.000-05:00

Icehouse has always wanted to be a groundskeeper. Maybe because he Rudy too many times and wanted to be a wise old sage who told Sean Astin that he sucked and stuff.

Or maybe it was the Asians in Major League.

Either way, it's a cherry gig. Work 81 days a year, get front row seats to all the games, but the best part has to be when you have to spring into action. You jump up, and run your happy ass across the field in the rain.

In the early days of the Marlins, the grounds crew did not perform that well. You would think they would get a little practice, what with it raining every day in Florida in April and May. But what the hey, this dated video is funny. Enjoy.

via Flip Flop Fly Ball

GASOLINE ON YOUR FLAME OF NIGHT TERRORS

2011-05-10T11:11:00.005-05:00

"HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA WEEP MORTALS! FEEL THE FIRES OF A THOUSAND NIGHTS OF HORROR-WROUGHT SLEEP AS YOU FEAST YOUR EYES ON THE WRECKAGE AND MAYHEM BEFORE YOU. BAAAHAHAHAHAHA!THAT ARM SHOULDN'T DO THAT!LET IT WRENCH YOUR DIGESTIVE SYSTEM!

NOT ENOUGH?!

OH AND DONE BY THE TUMBLING ANGST OF ONE GREATER THAN HE! OH THIS FIRES MY JIBBLETS! I PRAY THAT THE NEVER-ENDING FILM REEL ON THE PROJECTION SCREEN THAT IS THE INSIDE OF YOUR EYELIDS NEVER CEASES TO PLAY THESE 53 SECONDS OVER AND OVER! BWAHAHAHAH!

STILL UNIMPRESSED?!

FACE TRANSPLANT! HIS LIFE IS SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER WHILE YOURS IS EVER-SO-SLIGHTLY DIMINISHED BY BEING ABLE TO SEE HIS WRETCHED AND DISFIGURED VISAGE! DO NOT CURSE YOUR EYES, FOR THEY CANNOT SAVE YOU NOW! YOU ARE SEEING THIS IN YOUR MIND'S EYE, FOR WHOM BLINDNESS CANNOT TRIUMPH!

AHHHH THE TIMELESS CLASSICS! NOW YOU MUST WATCH HIM GIVE MEDIOCRE ANALYSIS, WHICH IS THE TRUE VICTORY FOR ME AS IT WILL ALSO GIVE YOU HELLISH NIGHT TERRORS BOUND TO MAKE THE MOST STRONG OF MEN INVOLUNTARILY URINATE AND WEEP SILENTLY FOR RELIEF THAT WILL NEVER COME!

KNOW THAT THIS HAPPENS TO ALL WHO PLAY SOCCER!!! AND IT IS THE MOST POPULAR SPORT IN THE WORLD! LET THAT ECHO IN YOUR SKULL WHILE YOU ATTEMPT TO REST PEACEFULLY! SLUMBER IN TURMOIL!!! BAHAHAHAHAHHAHA....

You win, Christian the Lion. You always do."

Signed,

The Devil

Monday Morning Shit Storm

2011-05-09T12:17:00.004-05:00

ALRIGHT JABRONIES, LISTEN UP.

We're going to make this one short and sweet, so I'm only going to say this ONCE.

Pick any sport and give it a new position. Describe how it would affect the sport and give some particulars on said position. Don't be a douche bag about this.

My pick: I want one guy on each soccer team who can pick the ball up and run it, like in rugby. Let's call him the boulder. This man will be allowed to run unfettered, although be heavily padded, as hand ball rules will still be strictly enforced, and he will incur many a-cleats to his person. It will still behoove the rest of the team to kick it around and shit, but adds a wild card element to the whole thing. "LOOGIT THIS CRAZY GUY JUST SNAGGING IT OUT OF THE AIR AND RUNNING LIKE THE SWEATY-TOOTHED MADMAN HE IS!"

It also has an element of the Seeker from Quidditch in the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. So that's dope.

Shit storm: COMMENCE.

Friday afternoon Fun Bag!!!!

2011-05-06T10:12:00.005-05:00

Well it's been a great week. First we completely troll the Royal Wedding by KILLING THE MOST WANTED MAN IN THE WORLD, Then we realize we shot him in the eye, THEN we reveal that we also had a SEAL dog. A DOG!!! Even Mother Russia gives us a stoic nod of approval.

This will be a longer Fun Bag simply because we need to address the Bin Laden Reaction.

I wonder if any of our writers has a video addressing this very issue. OH HEY!!! It's our very own Zack Stovall doing the damn thing on the stage.

A four Wheeler, a pistol, and the Stars and Stripes. Eat your heart out Michael Moore.

I mentioned the greatness of Dogs earlier. Most of you know I'm a dog lover, but let's just see what Cats were up to.

Figures

Ok now onto the usual with sports, and people getting injured.

Looks like The SNES Street Fighter game finally made it to Kazakhstan

Icehouse put it best when he said the Enya really made this video, I agree. Also, I love Enya

The Kentucky Derby is this weekend, and I absolutely love Horse Races. Did you see those LOZERS in England wearing those funky ass hats. HAHAHAHAHA We'd Never do that in Amer.....Damn

Finally, If you've haven't already done so, I'd suggest reading Matt Uffords eloquent reaction of a veteran. I know we've been waving our flags and have been going all America on everyone's ass. It goes without saying, but the reason we can celebrate, or condone celebrations, or have any public reaction at all is because we have men and women in our military who know the risks, and are the best at what they do. Most of us didn't do any of the work, but we're still damn proud of it.

Now back to the irreverence of GRH, I'll leave you with my favorite meme.

BREAKING: Suits make terrible decisions

2011-05-05T20:49:00.005-05:00

Great Moments in History with Gus Johnson from Gus Johnson

Well, Gus Johnson has officially left CBS sports. Which of course means we won't be seeing any more cold blooded calls during the NCAA tournament.

Who knows why they parted ways, but I have a sneaking suspicion that he didn't appeal to the "older demographic" To which I say SCREW OFF.

The article says he may become the NFL Thursday night guy, but here's to hoping he gets with ESPN and establishes himself as the premier CFB play by play guy and they team him up with Chris Spielman.

Here's a little taste of his football action.

(On a side note please listen to Fouts. Not only does he say Hall should have intercepted the ball, which is of course what every whistle toting coach will tell you is the exact OPPOSITE of what you want to do. But, he also praises Stokely for burning time off the clock and not scoring right away. Not unlike DeSean Jackson, and we all know how he was treated by the media)

But honestly, Imagine Gus in Death Valley, LSU vs. Alabama, surrounded by over 100,000 drunk Cajuns. Now that would be awesome.

Furthermore if you look at...

Brent: Hehehehe, ohhh yeah, Olllllllllllle Lattimer hear SPEAKING HIS MIND on CFB announcing.

But I tell you what Latty, You gotta wonder here if the Ollllllle cold blood killer, Gus, can really handle the prestige of College Football?

/Mute Button

JJ Barea and Ron Artest have an exchange.

2011-05-05T16:48:00.006-05:00

JJ Barea: Hey Ron!

Ron Artest: Hey, what's up, JJ?

JJ Barea: Your momma's so stupid, that...

Don't worry my darlings. Icehouse is still watching you.

2011-05-04T13:21:00.005-05:00

And by "darlings" and "you," Icehouse means the NBA Playoffs. This is Icehouse's favorite time of the sports year. Or maybe the return of football is. I guess the difference is that there is a pertinent and important game EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. It's so awesome. Everybody steps up their games. Charles drinks extra hard. Kevin McHale is extra self-depricating. And the ball itself is great. Everybody goes hard and plays to the best of their abilities - which, since this is the NBA, is a really high caliber of play.

Here are a few quick thoughts about the playoffs thus far.

First, for some reason, is the Lakers v. Mavs. The Mavs beat the Blazers to get there, and way more handily than anyone anticipated. The Blazers were playing really well. The Lakers beat the Hornets, ending this season's attempts to give two shits about New Orleans. The Bumblebees put up a fight, but since Chris Paul is only 5'10" and there aren't five of him, they lost.

For this series, Tyson Chandler is single-handedly marginalizing Pau and Bynum while Dirk has finally started playing like he owns a set of testicles. He doesn't know where they are, mind you, but at least he owns them. Also, Kobe Bryant is a gigantic asshole and threw his teammates under the bus after Game 1. In his mind, he's transcended into a different galaxy, where everyone is an asshole, and the only way to be understood is to act like an asshole 24/7. It boggles the mind. Sure, Pau sort of sucked, but remember that is was you who lost the ball to Jason Kidd to effectively lose the game.

Grizz v. Thunder: The Grizz beat the Spurs to a) win a playoff game for the first time and b) win a playoff series for the first time. More impressively, they beat the Spurs playing Spurs ball: grind it out down low with a grounded power forward and play team defense. The Thunder knew we all wanted to see one more game of J.R. Smith, so they let them win one game. They're cool like that.

The Grizz have already accomplished the "split on the road" aspect of playoff hoops. But in game 2, Serge and Perkins COMPLETELY shut down Zach Randolph and Marc Gasol. They shot a combined 5-22. YYYYUCK. The only reason they were even in that game was because of Mike Conley's 24 points. Point is, Z-Bo and Marc have to step it up. Or pray that Russell Westbrook stops passing the ball completely (sort of likely).

Heat v. Celtics: The Heat beat the Philadelphia 76ers, which are a real basketball team. I enjoyed watching the 6ers in the playoffs, but they had no single chance to prevail. Celtics beat the Knicks in some sort of non-rivalry that only exists in the minds of sensationalistic homer beat writers. Also, the Knicks sucked total ass.

As you may see above, the Heat are playing prison rules and going all sorts of H*A*M on the C's. The Celtics deserve it though, as they've been doing this to everybody for three years now. This could be a long series, so I'm excited to see if the Heat win one of the games in Boston. Mostly because it would piss off this guy. Also mostly because when LeBron wasn't laying out Rondo, Dwyane Wade was acting like Ben Stiller from Happy Gilmore. Which is to say, torturing old people.

Bulls v. Hawks: The Hawks beat the Magic by failing to suck as much as they did. Dwight Howard is the balls, but why does everybody else on that team just refuse to play well? The Bulls beat the Pacers because the Bulls have Derrick Rose and the Indiana Pacers have a bunch of white goons.

I like the Hawks and all, but they are more likely to suck than the Magic. And as funky as Jamal Crawford is, I don't want to live in a world where Josh Smith is settling for jump shots in the Eastern Conference Finals. Also, Derrick Rose is the MVP and he loves his mother. Fuck you if you don't love this interview (skip to 4:40).

Monday Morning S--t Storm

2011-05-01T22:53:00.002-05:00

Regarding last night's news

Icehouse is sorry

2011-04-27T08:54:00.005-05:00

Icehouse hasn't been around too much. I apologize for this. I've been a little swamped with some stuff, like riding my fucking bike from Houston to Austin.

Anyway.

Here's some pictures to fill in some space here.

The Foo Fighters support the Grizzlies.

Fans just can't let Tony forget about Eva.

A little old school, but it bears reminding that Jason Williams wore this shirt to the White House.

Lamar Odom pops bottles.

And finally, Chris Kaman put a suppressor on his .22.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

2011-04-25T08:04:00.004-05:00

The NFL draft is right around the corner, which explains the increased visibility of Mel Kiper and Todd McShay (again refer to the Todd theory)

Personally I hate the fact that they now have the first rounds on Thursday and Friday. Since the age of 12 I've been used to wasting an entire weekend staring at the TV staring at names coming across the ticker. The draft actually comes at a perfect time in the year, it's like "Ok spring is here but I need one more weekend to do absolutely nothing, THEN I'll go outside and do stuff." Honestly, the laziest weekend I had was in college. My roommate and I watched the entire draft, leaving only to buy booze, feasting on leftover wings from a sorority car wash. If that's not being worthless to the world I don't know what is. Basically, the draft is awesome and people who bitch about the draft and the combine, are (1) Idiots (2) Not real football fans. That's right I said it. If you do not throw a weekend of your life away just to see who gets taken in the 3rd round YOU ARE AH NAWT A TRUE FAN OF THE GAME!!!

Point is, drafts are awesome. KSK really cornered the market with their Friday mock drafts, so I'm stealing their schtick, but today's shit storm will deal with drafts.

If you could participate in any draft in the world (real or fake) what would you choose?

My choice comes from an old high school debate, and something I've wanted to do for many years.

That's right, a draft to assemble a hooters franchise.

Our idea was to hold combines, interviews, and eventually a draft, to form our own hooters franchise. obviously the looks are important, but we also wanted to hold Hula Hoop tests (40 time) examine film on how waitresses could flirt with creepy old guys (film) and hold interviews that included what degree they were pursuing. (wonderlic)

In lunch we even had a full list of tests and rules, and may or may not have concocted a plan to open a fruit stand at the local farmers market called "Melons" using high school girls as employees.

So that was our ~~carefully crafted business plan~~ idea, let's hear your drafting fantasies.

Shit storm begin.

Mike Leach is on Twitter

2011-04-20T09:44:00.003-05:00

Mike Leach is on Twitter.

http://twitter.com/#!/Coach_Leach

That is all.

Jim Thome is Paul Bunyan

2011-04-18T14:42:00.002-05:00

In efforts to better understand how best to live, our resident backwoodsman Booker Pogue sat down with the chaw-spitting tater-basher. Below are some of the most interesting tidbits.

"I'll have a natty heavy please."

"You hearda this one? It's like Pearl, if they made it in a bath tub. Found a tooth in a bottle couple weeks ago."

"What do you mean you don't have schlitz on draft?!"

"I don't trust boneless wings. If you can't choke on em and die, I don't see the point in eating em."

"Tell your mom to stop calling me."

"Did you know bald eagle was high in cholesterol?"

"You like this underwear? I killed and skinned this possum myself."

"I used to use boar's blood for all my protein shakes before I discovered biodiesel."

"Sting ray barbs will get the plaque out of your teeth, but you don't want to rub your eyes after using one. I don't know why I did it twice"

"I used to carry my bounty hunter's license in Montana til they banned the use of hatchets. sort of lost its appeal after that.

"Lotta people use crampons when climbing glaciers. Pretty expensive pair of long toenails if you ask me."

Monday Morning S--t Storm

2011-04-18T08:30:00.006-05:00

That has nothing to do with this shit storm, I just really like this picture.

No, the storm has more to do with this.

LAWYER UP MOTHER FUCKERS

You may have heard of this Probe brought on by Econ professors to investigate the BCS. I don't think anything will come from it. I do however think it's hilarious. "Hey BCS you suck so hard that Econ nerds now hate you"

But it does bring up a good question. What other suits/probes/ and investigations can we bring against sports organizations, and individuals?

I have one, why are NCAA teams allowed to over-sign players to scholarships? The SEC is notorious for this, and I can see some kid who was on good standing with the team and university bringing up a suit after losing his scholly for a fresh young recruit.

The shit storm is now in session.

I Know I'm Late To This Party, But Some Shindigs Are Too Good To Miss

2011-04-15T15:34:00.005-05:00

I know, I know, we're supposed to be covering sports NEWS and not OLDS. And this is maybe a week or more old. But damn. I've got say some things about this. Otherwise, I'm going to start pooping out of my weiner with an overwrought sense of denial.

So here goes...

WWWWWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! WAHWAHWAHWHAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Oh no! I had to WAIT PATIENTLY before an NFL team had the audacity to pick me! WHAT TREMENDOUS TRAGEDY. But they told him second or third round! LOS BASTARDOS! He had to walk by himself with a baseball bat, and then be walked like a golden retriever around the block by his parents. What heartache. What turmoil. What anstiness.

Not that I don't understand. I've waited on fairly important things before in my life, none of which are as big time as playing in the NFL, and I've been less than patient. It's no man's bag.

But a little perspective would be nice. "Wow, I've had a fairly successful career since getting drafted a little later than I and most every other person drafted would have liked to have been." You know what that is? UNDERFUGGINSTATMENT. Brady's gone on to have one of the best careers of anybody ever. Who cares is a bunch of other teams you've railed COUNTLESS TIMES in your career passed on you? PISS ON THEM WITH YOUR SMOKING HOT WIFE AND SUPER BOWL ACCOLADES IN OPPOSITE HANDS. When I first saw he cried, I thought it would be about the happiness that came from getting picked. NAY. It was "Oh, no, I had to wait a day to get picked. A whole day! I know, I was so P.O.ed too..." Please.

Also, nice jab at the noble and venerable profession of insurance sales. I'm glad that you can afford to purchase your various belongings, STRAIGHT CASH, and have them wrecked or stolen with little to no effect on your vast wealth. Other people need insurance, and need good, solid, hardworking, and trustworthy Americans to sell it to them. Plus, for all of the tears you just shed at the possibility of NOT getting drafted, you'd think you might have the presence of mind to be like "You know, that was ALMOST me, maybe not kick insurance salesmen with my cleat."

Screw this guy, his sassy hair, and his veneers. THEMS FAKE YO.

If you want to make it up to me, let me see your wife without you.

Champion's League Funzone!

2011-04-12T11:09:00.002-05:00

SOOOOooooo today begins the second leg of the quarterfinals. Last week, Rooney scored the only goal in Manchester 1-0 Chelsea. Chelsea can advance, they'll just need to score 2 and keep Man U out of their net. This will be quite difficult, however, as they are playing at Old Trafford and have Torres up front who totally sucks these days.

Elsewhere in the universe, Shakhtar Donetsk will continue to act like a lamb being sacrificed in reverence to FC Barcelona. Their pathetic offering will not slake Barca's bloodlust.

So anyway, watch the game today, use the comments as an open thread. WHEEEE.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

2011-04-11T08:11:00.005-05:00

In our final segment of ~~Lattimer ran out of ideas~~ writer shit storm we have a submission from Stovall.

I'll keep it simple

Athletes who look like rock stars. No, not the "Albert Pujols looks like a god" type of rockstar, More of the "The catcher from Angels in the Outfield* looks literally like Meatloaf.

My Submission is an oldie but goodie.

Ryan Franklin=James Hetfield.

*Terrible Movie

Commence the storming.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

2011-04-08T12:45:00.004-05:00

WWOOOOOOOOooooooo zzzzzz...

HAHA just kidding. Icehouse is ready for this weeekend. BIGTIME. This is actually a pretty sweet time of the year, sports-wise. Baseball is still new and exciting. The Masters is happening, plus the Champions League is now coming down to it. If you missed this past week's game, you missed a lot of blowouts.

But, there were a shitload of wacky goals. Stankovic.

High School Dunk Contest. Ballislife is the shiznit.

The description of this video is "huckfest carnage." Fuck yeah it is.

WHHHOOOOAAAAAAAAAA EJECT.

Snooki's finishing move was awesome. Sorry for the shit-tastic video, but it's worth watching.

Sabonis made the hall of fame this year. ARVYDAS SABONIS. So, Icehouse presents this clip of Sabonis highlights, set to "November Rain."

Chilean insanity bike race.

VCA 2010 RACE RUN from changoman on Vimeo.

I think that's everything. Have fun out there. I'm going to go watch Vinny Del Negro (Please) make out with Blake Griffin.

You Know We Can See You, Right?

2011-04-06T12:58:00.010-05:00

As difficult as it is, I genuinely try to lay off NBA players for their mode of dress. For one, I feel like they have enough professional image issues to deal with that are out of their hands ( a racially motivated dress code; a despotic, union-busting commissioner who thinks he's a mobster and says stuff like this; Ron Artest*) that there's no need to pile on admonishment about personal taste. But, just as often, I'm simply at a loss for words when confronted with the utter lack of sartorial consciousness on display by some of the world's best athletes. Fortunately, the dude behind the completely hilarious and endearingly nsfw blog Victory Light has both the vocabulary and lack of tact required to speak my mind for me.

Below are a few choice snaps from his take on some of Mr. Kardashian's and Mr. Pierce's less flattering moments. And, shout out to ALL CAPS. 2011 IS ALL ABOUT ALL CAPS.

*I love/respect Ron Artest.

THIS NIGGAS BLAZER LOOKS LIKE HE DUG UP A DEAD BARBERSHOP QUARTET GUY AND WAS LIKE "THIS IS HOT...I THINK THE HAT IS TOO MUCH THOUGH"

WHAT IS THIS OUTFIT B? ARE YOU GOING TO A JOB INTERVIEW AT A BASEBALL GAME WHERE YOU HAVE TO PLAY BASKETBALL AND RAP? YOU LOOK LIKE A MANAGER AT APPLEBEES THAT JUST GOT OFF WORK AND HALFWAY CHANGED.

Peep the whole post here.

Stovall Has A Question For You...

2011-04-05T16:48:00.011-05:00

HOW MY ASS TASTE?

HOOOOOOOBOY. HOOOOBOY. HOW YOU LIKE IT, HOW YOU LIKE IT, HOW YOU LIKE IT?

Looks like everyone not named Zack got lined up and rolled out on a STRETCHER this year in the GRH NCAA Brackakke. I emerged victorious, vanquishing my foes with wit, wisdom, and mental dexterity hitherto UNSEEN in modern bracketology. The near misses...the upsets...the close calls. Describes some games in the tournament, but couldn't be further from describing the GRH brackets against me. It was me in a landslide.

Hold up, Harvard called. They need someone to speak at the commencement ceremony for their renowned Comm. V. Schmidlapp School of Bracketology. Hope I can make it when I'm not using my knowledge to teach computers how to moonwalk in VEGAS.

I don't think anybody is surprised. I'm full of nothing but basketball prowess. I didn't even have to watch any basketball games this year, I JUST KNEW. I knew where to pick my spots and how I needed to proceed in my quest to become the most vaunted bracketoleger, perhaps methinks, OF ALL TIME.

How many correct Final Four picks? One. Kentucky. How much in the field? Zero. I WIN!!!

Teams don't matter as much though. You've GOTTA find the hot hand in the deck. Who's coming into the tournament looking good? Jimmer Fredette? A pale, mormony excuse of a basketball player. What about Butler's Matt Howard? He's tall, isn't he? But no, everybody, YOURS TRULY, knew Kemba Walker was about to run a train on this tournament. His shots were the ones you had to SEE TO BELIEVE. In him, I put my faith, believing he'd drag his team, kicking and scream, to at least the championship game. And he did.

Of course, I thought Kemba Walker played for Pitt, and had them in the championship game. But again, no matter. I WIN!!!

I'd like to take a moment and thank all of the people I so savagely destroyed in the process of getting mine. Lattimer: Wasn't expecting a lot out of you, but you brought out the vigor I knew you'd have. You losing was a constant source of inspiration for me, both on and off the court. No really, I was laughing to myself about it later, helped me sleep. Icehouse, Icehouse, Icehouse. You have, by far, the most basketball expertise of anyone I know, outside, of course, of myself. You came in dead last. The writing is on the wall, the stars are aligned in the western skies; you will be a great bracketeer one day. NOT TODAY, GRASSHOPPER. NOT. TO. DAY. And the rest of you unimportant flunkies whose name either escaped me or never dwelled in my august brain region: Enjoy the smell. Waft in my vapors. Take in my aura as it glides past you, seemingly effortless, but with purpose and power. You will all fall before me one day anyway. Enjoy your bipedal, upright view for the time being.

And let's score more than 60 points next year. Our brackets all sucked.

Kemba Walker's trollface is amazing.

2011-04-05T09:06:00.004-05:00

It's... it's just too perfect.

The best part is that they really did troll us all. We were all suckered into watching... whatever that was. Some people will claim that superior defensive play was on display last night. Those people are horrendously wrong. True, both teams are better defensively than other teams, but holy shit was that just an exhibition in bricklaying.

Butler sucks. I was all about them last year because of Duke haterade, but this year was the same shit, just a year older and minus Gordon Hayward. So no, I don't give a shit about Butler or the underdog or any of that nonsense. You tiptoed and bumblefucked your way through the weakest possible bracket lineup to another championship game, then shot 12 for fucking 64 from the field. Butler might as well have their bulldog mascot (who is actually pretty cool) come out and take a shit on midcourt.

12 shots made. Out of 64 attempts. That's 18%. Here are some other things that are 18%:
-18% of Americans think the sun revolves around the Earth
-18% of Kentucky nursing homes abuse their residents
-18% of Americans think Congress is doing a good job
-18% of Florida homes are vacant
Source

Moving on, I'd like to point out that UConn women lost to Notre Dame in the final four. So after all the hoopla about how this is the greatest chick team ever or something, they lose and all the glory goes to the men's team. So sad. And Hilarious. Hilariously sad.

Finally, UConn is facing NCAA punishments for recruiting improprieties. Jim Calhoun himself has to sit out the first three Big East games next year. He'll probably still collect that salary, though.

So yeah. The bad guys won. I'm happy about it. You should be too.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

2011-04-03T23:36:00.005-05:00

Our first ~~fellow writer~~ commenter suggestion comes from Icehouse. As you can see above Spiderman is competing in an athletic event.

Ok fine, Sports Entertainment. It's still real to me dammit!

Anyway, the clip does bring out an interesting question. How would comic book characters fare in athletic competition?

The answer is that they would obviously be badass and set all sorts of records, but which sport would really fit their outrageous abilities. Obviously there are some natural fits such as Aquaman (Yo Vinny that shit is dope) and The Flash. But I honestly have no clue where I would put the X-Men. They would just kill everyone, right? I know what your thinking, and yes, there is no wrong answer to this shit storm. Spiderman playing golf? I mean...sure, that makes sense.

We already have a precedent with Brian Dawkins/Wolverine/Weapon X

But yeah, any comic book hero or villan, and if you pick a team sport please give a position.

My Selection;
THE HULK at Noseguard for football.

Perfect attitude and size. He can not only soak up, but also defeat double teams to allow my superhero linebackers to roam freely and kill the ball carrier. Literally.

"Oh but Lattimer how will you make him THE HULK and not Bruce Banner?"

Simple, I hire John Henderson as my D-line coach.

Shit Storm ASSEMBLE!!!

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

2011-04-01T15:26:00.004-05:00

WOOOOO GET BUSY!

Icehouse is at the office. Lame. All I know is Julio Borbon, you are a fuckstick. Way to get an error on the first play of the season.

ANYWAY. Let's have some fun.

First up, style tips from Zaza Pachulia.

Also, this happened.

I know next to nothing about cricket, but this movie looks awesome.

The first couple of minutes of this is sad and I didn't like when they show Shane's helmet cam about to take off, because I knew what happened next and I didn't want to see it. But, the latter half of the video is an amazing tribute, hilarious and all around totally badass.

Bossaball? Bossaball.

I am just plain happy that Ochocinco tried out for Sporting KC.

That's what I got for you today. For me, it's back to business.

It's Still Opening Day!

2011-04-01T11:23:00.005-05:00

Rangers play the Red Sox at 3:05 Central.

Astros play the Phillies at 5 or 6 or something.

Too lazy to look up the others.

It's Opening Day!!!

2011-03-31T09:46:00.005-05:00

Via @MattSebek

Albert and Yadi are excited!!!

I don't know why MLB doesn't do this on a Saturday and make a huge deal about it, but hey we'll take it.

Atl@ WAS 1:05
Det @ NYY 1:05
Mil @ Cin 2:10
LAA @ KC 4:10
SD @ STL 4:15
SF @ LAD 8:00

Verlander and C.C along with the prime time slot of Lincecum and Kershaw should be fun.

Thoughts and observations in the comments.

Cavaliers vanquish their most hated opponent

2011-03-30T11:08:00.005-05:00

That's right. The Cleveland Cavaliers got their fifteenth win of the season last night, over LeBron. In a related story, the Cavs will stop playing when the season is over, and LeBron's Heat will make a deep run into the playoffs, after which he will go back home to his mansion in a cool city and fornicate on top of his giant pile of money.

The game was worth watching, though. You can watch the highlights here.

First of all, Bron didn't show up for player introductions. He says that he missed it because he was on the can, but we all know that widdle Bwon Bwon's fee fees are to fragile to take the deluge of boos that he knowingly deserves.

Second of all, Luke Harangody balled out of control. As much as Luke Harangody can. He had a funky spin move to fadeaway jumper that he obviously learned by watching Michael Jordan, and that he will never make again. Ever. He followed it up by draining a three. Pretty hilarious sequence of events, really.

The Cavs played hard and won because of it. They also made LeBron work for everything he got, fouling the shit out of him and swatting his shots into the stands even after fouls were called. In true Bron fashion, he finished with a triple double, and is now one of two players to record a triple double AGAINST a team he won the MVP for (Wilt is the other).

LeBron also drained a 60-foot buzzer beater at the end of the third quarter. It shouldn't have counted, because the buzzer expired before the ball left his hands. Upon review, they noticed that the clock started running before the inbounds pass touched his hands, because the clock-keeper is a hometown asshole. They probably shouldn't have counted the shot anyway, but still did, because fuck Cleveland.

The Cavs ended up out-hustling everybody for a well-deserved win. However, Baron Davis summed up the result with the ennui such a dubious victory deserves.

“Beating LeBron and beating the Heat doesn’t really mean anything to me. I’ll take the free beer, though."

Won't we all, Boom-dizzle.

And finally, to put the deflated and bitter cherry on top of the turd cake that this sad and worthless victory is, Dan Gilbert - owner of the Cavs - dropped this gem on twitter:

Fitting.

"DelDOT HATES KIDS DelDOT HATES KIDS"

2011-03-28T15:09:00.007-05:00

It's official, the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, ~~Global Warming~~, Climate Change and now ripping up basketball hoops.

Seriously, this isn't China. There are rules in America. But you know why Blythe put the hit out on the basketball hoop?

1. He hates kids
2. He hates kids
3. He's no dummy, he knows a prime set up when he sees it. A solid hoop at the END of a culdesac? Shit, that is a kid's dream. Oh, I know he's in the PA Hall of Fame for opening sports complexes. I don't care. So maybe - just MAYBE - if the kids can't play in the streets, they have to go to one of your "complexes" where they have to pay a "membership fee" for a low "monthly charge." I see you Blythe, real smooth, game respects game.

When I showed this to Icehouse he pointed out that youth sports prevent Gang activity, drug abuse, and teen pregnancy. FACT!!!

And what's with the sweatshirt lady in the video? What, did you not bust enough balls in 9th grade student council? Stovall said it best when talking about her upcoming performance review.

"Have you ever lied to an individual during your job?"
"No."
/puts in video

But really, the main complaint is that kids don't pay attention to traffic? Really? Have you ever met a kid? Nobody cares about traffic, you're invincible at that age. Anyway, these two are my heroes for the day and I can't wait until Oprah picks up on their story and they get a stadium in their front yard.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

2011-03-28T08:30:00.004-05:00

You know we've been doing this shit storm for a while and I think it's now come to a point where I simply don't have any more ideas.

Well not really, but it is hard to come up with riveting topics week after week. I mean today I was ready to talk about my fantasy baseball draft and how awesome it is to have Albert Pujols. Oh did I mention I have Albert Pujols? Well I do, and yes I drafted Yadi as well to keep him happy.

So this shit storm is for anything you wanted to talk about at some point. If you're a fan of the shit storm, and I know you are, you know that "topics" are extremely flexible, in fact I'm pretty sure we don't have any "rules." Anyway I'm being honest when I say that I'll just take ideas off of the comments and put them in a post draft. It's almost like a shit storm in a shit storm in a shit storm.

Oh we need a you tube video

Oh and what's this bullshit with protesting during the royal wedding? At that point you aren't being an anarchist you're being a dick.

Begin.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

2011-03-25T13:13:00.002-05:00

WOOOO Ballin with Chris Brown! I'd like to see Chris Brown get in somebody's face at the Cage (where he is in the photo, West 4th NYC). Basically because I'd like to see him try to fight something that is neither a woman nor a glass window.

That's neither here nor there. WOO! FRIDAY! Let's get bizzzay.

To get you ready for partying, here's Bill Cosby dancing to dubstep.

Here's a bunch of people falling on their bikes in England. Don't laugh, that shit looks hard.

BUCS 2011 X.C Carnage! from Joe Bowman on Vimeo.

Cut that shit out, Japan.

This is a wonderful, wonderful POV skiing video from Jackson Hole, WY. Quoth the guy who posted this on TGR, "Take that, mountain covered in snow."

Mid Wintahhhh 2011 from Andrew Whiteford on Vimeo.

JaVale McGee says no to your funk.

Crazy Euroleague ending, crazier announcing.

Trebek calls a college football game.

36 feet into one foot of water. THIS IS SPARTAAAAAAA.

Outstanding. Let's make this happen. Yeeeuh.

WHERE IS YOUR MESSIAH NOW, WHITE AMERICA?

2011-03-25T10:18:00.003-05:00

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

BASK IN IT! HAHAHAHA!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW, HUH? MAKE YOUR KIDS PLAY SOCCER AND LACROSSE? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

The Adventures of Dogus Balbay in America

2011-03-24T11:13:00.003-05:00

This Week: DOGUS IS A LONGHORN NO MORE

Dogus has been here for too long. In Turkey, he was highly-regarded prospect. Here, he is bionic-legged joke. They mock his shooting. They say he is slow and useless. If Dogus so slow, why is he regarded as defensive specialist? Huh? Dogus ask you that!

The season went well enough. Dogus won more games against the hated 12 than he ever had before. After the disaster of last season, the doubters doubted Dogus and the Longhorns. It felt good to beat expectations instead of failing to live up to them.

But the feeling was fleeting. After being good, suddenly the Longhorns played bad. They lost to the Huskers of Corn, from Nebraska. Dogus chuckled, because "husking your corn" means something TOTALLY different in Turkey. But that's for another time.

The Longhorns limped into the tournament figuratively. Dogus limped in literally and figuratively. The Longhorns always fail in the tournament, Dogus thought. Dogus was right.

People tell Dogus Arizona Wildcats are good. They tell Dogus that the referees were the ones who failed, not the Longhorns. Dogus knows better. He knows the Longhorns are no good in March. This doesn't bother him. Dogus is gone from this place of drunkenness and wanton fellatio.

Dogus will miss this, but he is ready to return to the land that made him a hero. He will pick up where Allen Iverson left off.

U Mad?

Sports Writing at its Finest

2011-03-23T11:21:00.003-05:00

This is T.J Simmers. T.J Simers is a dick. Always has been and Always will be. On the surface it's not a huge problem, lot's of people are dicks. However, Simers is a dick who gets paid (handsomely) to write about sports.

Simers has this schtick where he acts like an asshole to players/coaches/fans in order to get a rise out of them, THEN he goes all "holy shit (insert individual/group/team) is an asshole"

He did it when he was on ATH and he's become quite good at it.

An example of this is his latest column ripping Marcus Thames.

Here's Simers gripes with Thames

-He's a power hitter (who mauls lefties) with below average fielding skills on balls in front of him. (Essentially Man Ram in the field)

-Thames wants his last name pronounced correctly.

-Thames walked away after Simers walked up to him and said:

"Are you that horrible on defense that teams don't think it's worth playing such a home run threat?'' I asked by way of introduction....When I came back on Tims/Tems, he sat silent. I can see one problem he might have on defense if everyone is relying on him to yell "I got it."

He said he wasn't going to talk to me because I hadn't introduced myself. That would have allowed him to pull out the little card the Dodgers' PR department provides players advising them how to get a running start on Page 2.

So basically his first interaction with a new guy on the team and his introduction is "Hey why do you suck so much on defense?" and he's upset that the guy wouldn't talk to him?

Nevermind the fact that the Dodgers got Thames for a 1 yr $1 mil contract. Nevermind that if he thinks Thames is that bad he should rip the Dodgers front office. Nevermind Thames' only job his entire career has been to pulverize lefties and hit homeruns.

No, here's the main problem is that Thames' mother was in a car accident when he was 5 causing her to be bed ridden for the rest of her life. Thames grew up on Welfare, and while still a junior in high school, joined the National Guard to make more money for his family. He is not an asshole or a stiff.

But enough about T.J Simers. The problem I have is that Simers does a hatchet job on a guy and he's considered a "professional journalist."

Spencer Hall of EDSBS fame was recently on a panel at SXSW dealing with the future of blogging. One of the topics dealt with the respect, and opportunities teams and leagues will grant bloggers.

The issue I've always had with sports journalism is the fact that nothing really grants you "authority" to be a good sports writer. It's not like being a doctor or lawyer where you have to know certain shit, and pass certain tests in order to practice your profession.

What's that you say? J-School? T.J Simers, Shaughnessy, Jay Mariotti, Mike Lupica, Bill Plashke, and my personal favorite Mitch Albom all went to J-School.

Your argument is invalid.

But honestly, those guys get to go to the biggest sporting events in the world, and write absolute pure shit.

Meanwhile, Free Darko, Matt Hinton, and others are left to be lowly bloggers.

Just food for thought.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

2011-03-20T19:13:00.006-05:00

As you can see this is a fan fiction movie based off of Mario Brothers. If you remember, they tried to actually make a real movie out of this.

I know, it was horrible and very depressing as a kid.

But here's what gets me, why have they not made more movies based on video games? I mean look at the first video, that shit is so dark, just imagine if that was an actual movie. Which brings me to the shit storm. Video games you would like to see made into a movie.

I get that video games are sometimes like movies in that they have story lines and what not, but call me old fashion, I just like real live actors as opposed to 3D computer generated ones.

Obviously Mario is number one on a lot of lists, so if you want you can offer ideas for the Mario movie.

My #2 would be any GTA. Preferably I'd like San Andreas, just because that was set in the 90's and it had so much random hilarious shit in it. Plus you could have sex in that video game which my roommates and I had way too much fun with.

Next, and this is somewhat obvious, but there needs to be a Punch Out movie.

As well as a Paper Boy movie.My friends and I always had this theory that paper boy was actually set in another dimension because we had never seen any of the stuff in paper boy on our street. Also, did anyone figure out what the kid on the street was doing? the one kicking his legs in the air?

Finally, we need the entire Metal Gear Solid series because those games were fucking intense to take as a 12-16 year old.

Ok let's hear yours in the comments.

Loading Shit Storm

Hey What's Up

2011-03-16T10:17:00.005-05:00

Oooooooo Oooooooo

Gotta wake up gotta go downstairs gotta log on the computer gotta

Fillllll my braaaaaaacket out

gotta look for upsets,

Hey GRH has a poooooooooool.

kickin in the first round

kickin in the final four

Who should I pick

Yeah yeah, yeah yeah.

It's Madness Madness everyone getting down on madness.

Madness madness

Fun

Fun

Fun

Fun

yeah

yeah

yeah

yeah

It's 7:45 sittin at my computer gotta fill out my bracket

How do I do thaaaaaaaaaat?

It's easy go to yahoo go to tourney pick em join a group.

What is the group IDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD?

Group ID is: 125568

Got to enter a password, what is the password?

Pasword is: metallicarules

Hey now I need a team naaaaaaaaaame.

Gotta pick the teams to win, more correct picks gets you more points, if you have the most points then you win.

/Rap interlude

Ooooooo

We so excited, we we we we so excited.

Hurry up games start Thursday and FRIDAY!!! then the second round comes after that but before the final four is the elite 8 and the sweet sixteen, following the final four is the CHAMPIONSHIP!!!!

fun fun fun fun yeah yeah yeah yeah fun fun fun fun yeah yeah yeah yeah fun fun fun fun yeah yeah yeah yeah fun fun fun fun yeah yeah yeah yeah fun fun fun fun yeah yeah yeah yeah fun fun fun fun yeah yeah yeah yeah fun fun fun fun yeah yeah yeah yeah fun fun fun fun yeah yeah yeah yeah fun fun fun fun yeah yeah yeah yeah

Hey What's Up

2011-03-15T16:42:00.006-05:00

Hey, what's up? I'm Seth Greenberg, coach of the Virginia Tech Hokies. You may have heard of this NCAA tournament, whatever that is. I don't care. we didn't make it in. I mean sometimes you wonder if there is a vast conspiracy against us.

Anyway typically people fill out their fancy little brackets to try to predict winners. I just wish there was a more scientific way to do it.

The guys at GRH set up one of their own little brackets. Pffft. It's free and easy to join. I of course won't be participating. in fact I've always been on the bubble for the top three so many years it just sickens me. I mean, I don't want to say there is an agenda against me or Virginia Tech, but it just makes you wonder if someone in the yahoo scoring dept. has it out for me.

Here's what you do. Go to yahoo, make an account if you don't have one.

Go to Tournament Pick' em

Find a league.
League ID=125568
Password=metallicarules

Also be sure to enter a creative bracket name. Because that's really all people care about.

The gang here will give you a prize, typically it's a post telling people how great you are.

Anway, must be nice to play. Just be careful for the "POWERS THAT BE."

The Ballad of Casey

2011-03-15T10:42:00.003-05:00

Youtube is gay, watch the video here.
(deadspin.com)

**Update** Reeeeemixxxxxxx

Bullying is a major problem in all schools, especially with the advent of the internet and phone cameras. Usually we see bullies ridiculing a young kid, however sometimes the bullying goes terribly...wrong.

Enter Casey, champion of Wallaby middle school, defender of hope and freedom, and prolific power bomber.

But this video doesn't do our young hero justice. Who is he? Why is he picked on? What pushed him over the edge? Well don't worry dear reader we have our own theories at GRH.

I give you, The Ballad of Casey.

-Lattimer

Casey is an 8th grader at Wallaby middle school in Sydney Australia. Known as the smartest kid in his class, Casey devotes most of his time to studying and immersing himslef in arts, music and literature under the watchful eye of his single mother. You see, Casey's mom never wanted him to turn out like his father so they moved to Australia at a young age and she forbade him from playing rough house with other kids, and traditional Aussie sports like football and rugby. As a result of his cultured lifestyle, Casey was constantly picked on by the other boys.

But Casey did have one friend, his next door neighbor Nicole. (girl at the end) Nicole liked Casey because they both had honors classes together, and Casey would usually help Nicole on difficult math problems. Nicole, would tell Casey to not let Ricky (hat) and her on and off again boyfriend A.J (white shirt) bully him so much. Casey would shrug it off saying "I can't." Soon she would learn why.

One night Nicole came over to Casey's house early to get started on their science fair project. Casey's mom wasn't home so she figured he was just sleeping in late on a Saturday. However, when she entered the house she heard strange noises coming from the basement. Being the curious girl she is, Nicole went to investigate. What she saw shocked her. Casey was performing highly skilled martial arts moves, power cleaning bags of cement, and punching holes in the concrete walls. Startled, she made a quiet gasp, which sent Casey across the basement and placing her in a sleeper hold. Realizing what he had done, he apologized and told Nicole his secret.

Casey's father was a government MK-Ultra agent, a secret assassin with super human skills who died in the line of duty. Somehow during Casey's conception, he obtained his father's DNA strands containing those skills. He didn't move to Australia for a change of scenery, it was for his own protection. In kindergarten he jammed a block down a kid's throat, and sat on another's killing him instantly. Unfortunately this alerted his father's old enemies.

During the video, young Casey was explaining Algebra to the two young girls when Ricky and A.J show up. Casey had tried to explain to Nicole that A.J was bad news. (His father was the drug king of Sydney and A.J was his rep for the public schools) Things came to a front when Casey discovered A.J was trying to slip Rufalin into Nicole's Mountain Dew at the valentines dance. Casey threatened A.J, but had to back down. A.J, wanting revenge set his lackey, Ricky to embarrass Casey. As you can see Casey was unphased by the weak punches, however something set him off. Not heard in the video is Ricky whispering "Your father was a pussy." Feeling uncontrollable rage inside him, he picked up Ricky and droped him on the pavement. When A.J intervened, Casey used his years of yoga and meditation to calm himself. Nicole, knowing Casey's power quickly tries to calm A.J, but to no avail. As A.J turns the corner he grabs Casey's backpack. Casey swings the bag, placing the straps around A.J's neck, hanging him from the coat rack, and throwing several blows to the head and torso.

Our scene ends with Casey sitting in ISS. Meanwhile, Sergei Zobakov (An ex KGB) watches the youtube video, and ordering his men to assemble. Miraj Ahman (PLO leader) Clicks a link on his twitter feed and smirks. Juan Montoya (Columbian Revolutionary) sees his troops lauging at a video when he looks his eyes widen. Col. Richard McCrystal (MK-Ultra Handler) is watching a large screen in the command center and says "Get me the President." Finally we see Nicole passing by the ISS room waving to Casey who is in deep meditation, that is until his eyes suddently open.
/Credits

-Stovall
In a world of chaos, of terrorism, of tsunamis, of hurricanes, and of disaster, it's safe to believe that there are no protectors out there, keeping the world from decending into further turmoil. You'd be wrong.

"We're here to help you. We're here to help."

One global agency has existed since before the inception of recorded history. A selfless legion of protectors who must decide when to avert disaster...and when to let some continue.

"We can't be discovered...if they knew we could make ALL danger go away, the result would be...even more tragic..."

Shrouded in secrecy and devoted to anonymity, this legion would stay intact throughout the ages, carrying on their forefathers' legacies on through their own family lines and generations of children, each taught to keep their powers - powers of great strength, flight, speed, and nigh invulnerability - safely hidden from the rest of mankind.

"We keep even worse things from happening Casey. We can't be discovered. We're here to help."

Until Casey.

"MOM, why can't we keep all bad things from happenin-..."
"NO, there must be some darkness to enjoy the light, and we have the power to..."
"But MY LIFE is nothing but darkness..."

One boy who has the power to stop anyone's hurting, including his own, but sworn to protect an vow of secrecy for himself and his family until...

BODYSLAM

"Do you realize what you've done, son, what you've COMPROMISED?"

From the producers of 'Jumper' and 'Independence Day,'...

"I couldn't any more, WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE WORLD, FATHER?"

Comes the story of a young boy...

"We can't do this any more Casey, you're either with us or against us..."

Who had all of the power in the world...

"You made me a target for bullies...on purpose?!"

To help himself...

"Who would suspect you have the ability to hold up dams, or tackle tornadoes?"

And others...

"It's my LIFE."

Just like him...

"I saw what you did in there...it was...brave..."
"Thanks...and thanks for stopping them from doing anything else..."

and just like her...

"IT'S. YOUR. DUTY...how do you think this is going to end, Casey?"

"I saw what you did in there...it was...brave..."

"I don't know...but I have to try..."

(slow mo)Casey lifts the ground to curb an oncoming lava wave
(slow mo) Casey standing in front of family being shot by a gang
(fast motion) Casey flies directly into tsunami wave, reversing its direction with a BOOM

UNBULLYABLE

"You can't help all of them. No matter how many you save, they'll hate you for it. You'll still be bullied, or worse, my son."

Casey, flying in mid air, holds hand up to oncoming commercial airliner heading directly for the White House

"That doesn't matter anymore."

BOOM.

...July 4, 2012...

www.ihavethepower.com

Monday Morning S--t Storm

2011-03-13T22:08:00.004-05:00

Holy balls the Fab Five 30 for 30 was out of this world. It literally had so many themes to it that I can't even tell what I'm thinking about right now. We make fun of ESPN all the time, but the 30 for 30 has been nothing short of outstanding.

Anyway, other than the actual basketball and the cultural impact, it showed how much money Michigan made off of these kids. The most revealing point was that prior to the Fab Five Michigan had 1.6 Million in Merchandise revenue. After their freshman year? 10.6 million. The merchandise sales always get me because they are never factored into the profits for athletic departments.

It seems like the most pertinent topic at this moment, with Cam Newton pay for play, and the tOSU merchandise situation coming out.

So, for the shit storm, should college athletes be able to make money off of their likeness? Should they be paid in general?

I don't know about paying athletes because that just opens up a whole can of worms, but I've really never had a problem with players selling their merchandise or even their likeness. If you look at tOSU somebody didn't want Terrell Pryor's jersey because it was a tOSU jersey, they wanted it because it was a TP tOSU jersey. That is, TP's play on the field made people want that. I also find it funny that if I buy a standard #2 tOSU jersey there is no name on the back, but if a buy a custom #2 with Pryor on the back I have to pay more money.

That's a real basic way to look at it, but we can hash it out in the comments.

Shit storm begin.

Stan Van Gundy's posse is crazy than yours.

2011-03-13T15:22:00.003-05:00

Icehouse is watching the Orlando Magic and Phoenix Suns play the ABC Sunday game. A couple of things have occurred to me. These are the unorganized thoughts that have popped into my head.

-Time Warner Cable is really bad. Like, really bad.

-Vince Carter is a hobo.

-Marcin Gortat wishes he still played on the same team as Dwight Howard.

-Aaron Brooks should be forced to stay within ten feet of Robin Lopez, because they look hilarious next to each other.

-Aaron Brooks should learn how to pass.

-Dwight Howard loves his job.

-Stan Van Gundy is gangster (see photo above).

-I saw a commercial advertising chicken and waffles. My cable cut out towards the end, because Time Warner is really shitty, so if somebody could let me know who is selling chicken and waffles, that would be a big help.

-The Clippers mascot is a rabbit. I am baffled.

-Mike Wilbon is a putz.

-Robin Lopez does nothing except for hack Dwight Howard, which makes him Sideshow Bob, except I hate seeing him on tv.

-Time Warner sucks.

LOLLERBLADES!

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

2011-03-11T11:46:00.004-06:00

Eric Gordon knows what's up.

Yes. YES. Not a cloud in the sky and Dallas's version of St. Patrick's day is tomorrow. Icehouse gon drank. Icehouse is ready.

Are you? Probably. Let's get to the videos.

First of all, here's the trailer for "Where the Trail Ends."

Somebody took all of Gareth Bale's highlights from his game against defending European Champion Inter Milan and made it into a dope-ass animated video. It's purty.

You like cricket? Do you?

Trailer for the new Travis Rice film, The Art of FLIGHT. They use the same camera technology as Planet Earth and the best snowboarders in the world to make this gorgeousness.

WINNING at Call of Duty. (Warning: Lead-in ad)

Cheerleaders freak out over anything.

Jacob Tucker. Dunk highlight reel. Worth your time.

Blake Griffin makes a Mars Blackmon tape for USC Tight End Jordan Cameron. Except they miss the crucial line. For shame.

OUTFUCKINGSTANDING. LET'S GO GET FUNKY.