Sunday, August 30, 2009

Monday Morning S--t Storm


We had a fantasy draft this week, played some golf, and football is right around the corner. Nothing could get me down right now. Right?

Wrong. Dead fucking wrong.

We all know this blows.

I apologize for that.

I also spoke on it earlier.
Big and Rich (Cowboy Troy): Yeah we're comin' to ya citaaaaaaaayyyyyy... to fucking end you, and your dumbass song. I really can't put my hate into words. I used to love College GameDay, you know back when Corso only put the mascot head on when he was 100% sure of a win, and he had some crazy ass streak of correct mascot head picks. God, that was great. I still like GameDay, mainly because it means that football is only two hours away, and the signs still remain witty, vulgar, and offensive. This will never change.

However, now before I can get my first signage scan, I have to listen to these gerbilators sing this excuse for a song. Think of the CBS college football song, I'll wait. Yeah it's a nice little tune that they've had for years, and when you hear it your like "Oh, SEC football is on." It's very uplifting. Shit, even the ABC song is decent. But no, ESPN has decided that "if you want a little flim flam in your zim zam" will be their College Football anthem. The worst part of the song is when you think it's over and then Cowboy Troy comes in a breaks it down hick hop style. "Blue 42 down set." God that is soooo creative! I have never ever heard someone say "blue 42" before. I have no idea what "putting a little ying yang in yo zing zang" entails, but if it involves putting a foot up someones ass I'm all for doing it to Big, Rich, and Cowboy Troy.

I had come to terms with this and concluded that much like Musberger it was just one of those things I had to put up with in order to enjoy college football.

But now ESPN has found a way to turn one of even the most dedicated of fan into a giant ball of hate.

Now instead of getting flim flam in our zim zam we have to listen to Kenny Chesney.

Kenny Chesney? That asshat? THAT is the guy who screams college football? Shit, what's wrong with the simple jingle from CBS that announces the coming of awesome?

It's Iconic, and I'm fairly sure it's been around since I have been breathing.

Before ABC merged with the devils from ESPN/Disney we had this theme

Whenever I heard it I was all ZOMFG!!! BIG GAME BIG GAME!!!!

But no, we get ESPN's 20th lame attempt to recreate "Are you ready for some football." I bet some lame ass marketing dickhead looked at Kenny Chesney concert ticket sales, assumed CFB fans were all rednecks, put 2 and 2 together and we get this shit.

And some of you might be saying "ohhhhh Lattimer chill out, just mute the TV" Well if I know ESPN, and I do, this is going to be on 50 billion times every Saturday. And what the hell, I shouldn't have to mute a TV in order to enjoy a football game. It may be surprising, but I actually get up and do shit so the remote isn't always readily available.

The worst part is that I'll still watch, I can't turn away, I got that pandemic inside of me. Now I know what a meth head feels like. Minus the Notable weight loss Insomnia Formication (A false crawling sensation on the skin) Bruxism (jaw-grinding) Trismus (jaw-clenching) Tweaking (intense preoccupation with repetitive tasks) Increased sex drive Poor hygiene (in particular dental hygiene)

Well actually now that I think about it....

Friday, August 28, 2009

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

What's better than partying with Baron Davis? Partying with Baron Davis, Monta Ellis and Captain Jax.

Yes. FUCK YES! The weekend is upon us, and a glorious one it's shaping up to be.

So anyways, we had a conversation about awesome '80s montages. Here's my favorite.

Legos rule. Way more badass than lincoln logs.

If you know me, you probably received this from me at some point in time this week. Well, it's still the best thing that the internet has done this week.

So I always thought that Chris Kaman was a zombie. Or a dracula. Or some shit evil. Turns out, he's just a hillbilly, like the rest of us.

Brandon Marshall's an easy target, what with his pro-douchebaggery and chick-hitting policies. But hey, this video is funny.

Ok. That's enough for now. Let's all go party.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

CFB Preview

#4 Oklahoma.
(Yes I realized we skipped 5)

Offense: 5 returners. Obviously JR QB Sam Bradford is the reason they are ranked this high preseason, but they also return leading rushers Brown and Murray, along with TD reception machine Jermaine Graham.

Defense: 9 returners. Good gosh they are stacked. The entire front 7 returns headlined by DE Auston English, DT Gerald McCoy, and Will backer Travis Lewis. Dominique Franks also returns at CB

Special Teams: Picking up jersey chaser scraps.

Initial Thoughts: How about you win a bowl game? addressed last year.

First off, Sam Bradford is the best "pro" prospect in CFB. (Unless you ever want to hear my crazy Tim Tebow plan) For the most part he'll be the focal point of the offense. WR Iglesias leaving will hurt, but the return of Gresham and Brown/Murray (over 2,000 yards rushing) wont hurt the offense too much. The only thing you can really question is the O-line, who only returns one starter from last year. The defense will be....good....very good.

The schedule is again set up for a NC run. Non-Conference they play BYU and Miami, which again isn't threatening, but solid enough to fight off the cupcake claims. The conference schedule is tough, but not insurmountable, The get Kansas and Nebraska (both away) from the North, and the Bedlam game will be at home. Which brings us to the Texas game. You might as well call it the Big 12 championship. It's obvious that the North has fallen faaaaaar behind the South, so we'll know by October who has a straight shot to the conference championship. (possibly MNC?) That's not really groundbreaking.

Looking at the UT game it's clear that the gap has been closed with the Longhorn's latest victory sans VY. I think this has something to do with the fact that Mack attack has done a much better job recruiting Texas compared to Oklahoma.

Now the other issue to look at is Oklahoma's bowl history. Since 2004 the Sooners haven't won one. You can chalk two of those up as being thrown to the lions in MNC games against USC and Florida. But damn. (which they never should have went to in the first place) If you're Oklahoma you should have at least ONE win. Again, I talked about it last year, but I wonder if Oklahoma has some crazy ass bowl jinx. In the end, I still think the Big 12 south is the best division top to bottom in CFB and if someone comes out of it with at least 1 loss they have a good shot at going to Pasadena.

I'll give the edge to Texas for a variety of reasons. However, there is always this:

Zack Stovall Wins GRH Fantasy Football Before It Begins, Mounts Steed of Valor and Glory

ST. LOUIS -- Local man for all seasons Zack Stovall has triumphed over a field of paltry ne'er-do-wellers in the annual Ghost of Roy Hobbs Fantasy Football Tourney 2009, the only contender in FF history to win prior to a down being played in the NFL.

"It was tough," said a glisteningly sweaty Stovall, as four buxom female virgins wiped his noble brow. "I mean the field was really competitive. While it was never really in doubt, I feel like I did my best, and the best man won."

"I'm just happy to have another blip on my already outstanding C.V.; I hope others can be inspired by my bevy of accolades."

Long-time friend and beloved associate of Stovall, known only as 'Icehouse,' said that Stovall's triumph is just one of the reasons he's the most well-liked and popular guys he's ever met.

"I mean, you'd like to assume that it's his washboard abs, chisled jawline, not to mention his flawless sense of style, that got him to where he is today," said House. "But you'd be only partly correct; He just gives so damn much. I can't wait to try for second place, if Zack hasn't already won the silver, too."

A tearful Steve Lattimer admited his burning jealousy at the latest Stovall victory, but also admitted that he would gladly take a bullet for the victor.

"I can't say I hate him, I just can't," said a blubbering Lattimer, through snot and tears. "He's just so good. He is just a poem in flesh."

But what's next for the intrepid young champion of the internets?

"I'm looking into a pretty viable non-profit to build rollercoasters in under-privaleged schools," said a magnanimous Stovall. "You know, what ever I can do to help."


You're not going to let this portly sack of snake excriment win, are you? Sign up for the GRH Fantasy Football Showdown and put the Rosie-O'Donnell-look-a-like and his husky jeans in their rightful place at the bottom of the barrell.

Go to's Fantasy Football folder and fill in the following info:

ID= 638653

It's just. that. easy. honkies.

Caption Contest!

Top photo: "Jump for joy while you can, boys, after the first week of the season, we'll have a losing record!"

Bottom photo: "We're totes having a sleepover tonight."

"Alright ladies, let's get 'em!"

Lattimer sent this on, and it is a doozy. Two pictures, a whole lot of bromance. Everyone wins.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

CFB Preview

Notre Dame

Much like Penn State, I already chronicled ND's season here.

Cliff notes=lots of returners+ easy schedule.

You'll also notice that I did not place a number next to ND. I refuse to do it. Basically I think it's nonsense to give a team like ND a top ten ranking. What the hell have they done? Beat Hawaii 49-21. I'll let that sink in........
/sinking in
That is literally the only the only significant thing ND did last year, BEAT HAWAII.
And that's what pisses me off about them. They always get overrated, take away bowl games from other deserving teams and we always have to hear about them on ESPN. But I guess I'll join in the fun of giving them attention.

The other thing that I can't stand is that they are soooo worried about their image. ND boosters demand a pro looking offense. In other words they have some crazy view on how football should look. Furthermore, the defense has been neglected for many years. The final thing I'll rant about is the Coaching. Not the coaches themselves, but the fact that they never give anyone a chance. SHIT Davies and TW were good, do you realize how hard it is to win at ND? You kick them out but you think Weiss is the savior? God, get over yourselves.

Which brings me to Lou Holtz. Lou is a microcosm of ND. You hate him, but he's also entertaining. Recently Lou predicted that ND will play Florida in the MNC. Icehouse says this: "crazy old people babbling to themselves doesn't mean they don't know what they're talking about but they're still crazy and babbling to themselves"

But that's the thing Lou Holtz is crazy, but he is also entertaining as well as a damn good coach.

And this brings me to why I like ND. Just so we're clear, I love to see ND lose any type of big game, but I also like to see them in the mix. I don't know, it's just comforting. The other thing about ND is that they typically do run a solid program. Sure they let this guy in, but for the most part ND stays out of the police blotter. And let's not forget, ND is no slouch school, that traditionally puts out a strong schedule every year. (this year excluded) The fan base is hit or miss, but most of the time their biggest fans are Midwestern Catholics. They may not have gone to a large school, or college at all for that matter, but ND is their school, and I like that. Of course there is the tradition. ND has been an influential part of college football since Jesus played tailback. In some sick and twisted way, ND is what's great about college football.

Basically my feelings on ND can be summed up in this video.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Heralded Five-Star Recruit Hired By Disney To Enroll in Culinary School

SEATTLE, Wash. - Coltrane High School's prized five-star wide receiver, rising senior Jevon Locke, announced at a press conference today that instead of accepting one of the numerous Division I scholarships he has been offered and will enroll in L'Ecole De Luminaire, a local culinary school where he hopes to "find (himself) and the true meaning of friendship."

"I'm a kid from the wrong side of the tracks," said Locke. "I've never used anything but my athletic talents to get by. But now that's all about to change when I go to...culinary school?!"

"We've been developing this for about twelve years now, and this kid is the one," said Disney creative director Ernest Reinhart, speaking to reporters over a sound system playing Baha Men's Who Let the Dogs Out? at the presser. "Here's a kid from the wrong side of the tracks who's never used anything but his athletic talents to get by. Now he'll find out what friendship really means and who he really is."

"We literally had no writers or animators interested in writing that, plus we decided that true stories do better in the box office, so we got this kid for about a hundred grand," said Reinhart. "And if this one doesn't work out, naturally, we'll just kill him and get another kid."

Locke said he had "no freakin' comment" since this was the stage at which he was cocky and answering to no one, but kindly offered reporters an opportunity to interview him after he had changed his misguided ways, thanks to his ugly, unpopular and undexterous friends, to be named later.

ESPN, owned by Disney Inc., is said to already be producing Sportcenter clips featuring Stuart Scott and Emeril having a "hilarious Booyah!/Bam!-off" as well as putting the logo on the home plates of every major league ball park in the country.

Monday Morning S--t Storm

So I was reading this on Deadspin this weekend. Along with the local paper's reporting.

Essentially Alabama player gets arrested for domestic violence (Along with girlfriend).

Father calls Saban and tells him not to punish player. Becomes Alabama fan of the year.

Read the two links, you'll get a better idea of what went down. It's eerily similar to a certain scene in The Program where my spiritual identity, Lattimer, attempts to rape a girl, throws her across the room for being a "tease" and the girl's father decides to sweep it under the rug because he doesn't want to hurt the program. Again, so we're clear it was a movie, not me.

You also may have heard about Big Fan, where Patton Oswalt's character finds himself in a similar situation.

So for the shit storm, would you ever take one for the team?

I'm saying no

Friday, August 21, 2009

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Yes. Finally. I finally made it. But yeah, I'm here, I'm watching Fox fellate the new Cowboys stadium (geez Joe Buck, you dickridin).

So lets do it.

First, there's marshmellow death.

Then we have a battle in nature. An epic battle. It's worth watching in it's entirety. The lions take the upper hand over the water buffalo, but lose it promptly to the crocodiles. Don't worry, it's all good in the end.

Shockey and Demeco Ryans is a dream fight.

Marcin Gortat, the Polish Jordan, is funky. (via Freedarko)

From Lattimer, destruction.

Desperate For Attention Matt Hasselbeck Retires, Unretires

SEATTLE - Desperate for attention in the perennially rain-soaked city of Seattle, QB Matt Hasselbeck retired at a live press conference, immediately before holding another press conference in an adjacent room announcing his comeback.

"It's time for me to move on from here," said a tearful Hasselbeck, who led the Seahawks to a Super Bowl run in 2006 and has been the face of the franchise since his signing in 2001. "But then again, it's a new day. I think I've still got what it takes to contribute. I'm still young at heart."

The Seahawks acquired Hasselbeck after his years as a back-up to Brett Favre in Green Bay, and many are speculating that this latest move is just pulling a page from that playbook.

"That's crazy," said Hasselbeck, as he launched a wobbly-spiral to a reluctant receiver, Coltrane High School Junior Jevon Locke. "See that though? Even though you in the media are saying it's time for me to go, I've still got it."

Hasselbeck left the first room, shaking hands and giving long embraces before entering the bathroom for 15 minutes to allow the media and fan (singular) to go to the other room. He then blasted the Rudy theme song as he high-fived those attending as he entered.

"That's both a shame for the NFL to lose one of its brightest stars, and great for him and the league to watch one of their greatest stars come back. Everyone loves a comeback. No. 672, Family Feast, your order is up," said former teammate and league MVP Shawn Alexander, currently working from 3p.m.-11 p.m. at a Birmingham, Ala. Church's Chicken.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

CFB Preview

#6 Penn State

Offense: 5 returners, however SR QB Daryll Clark and JR RB Evan Royster are key cogs in the offense. JR C Stefan Wisniewski will anchor the O-Line.

Defense: 4 returners LB's Sean Lee and Navaro Bowman will be the key guys. LB Mike Mauti will miss this season due to a popped ACL.

Special Teams: Getting as many jersey chasers as they can.

Initial Thoughts: Almost homerism.

Ok I talked about Old State earlier this summer. I think I did a good job breaking down this season, so read it. If you want the cliff notes. Nice schedule, Clark/Royster, Defense.

but before I begin a couple other points. For as long as I can remember Old State has been balling. Other than Tech, they were the team I watched as a I grew up and I'm not ashamed to say that, yes, I am a PSU fan. If you remember there was a 5 year period where State was down. (by State standards) and I think this is directly correlated to Joepa. It's not his fault. My opinion is that for those years many recruits were up in the air about whether Joe would retire or not. Now it's clear that. 1. Joe will never give up football. 2. IF he does there is a staff in place that will go along with the SOP at State. I also want to address the issue that Joe is too old to know football. If you believe that you are FALSE.

/Coach porn

Joe played against (he was a CB, Brown was a SW team) the single wing offense at Brown University. And to make a long story short, the single wing is the foundation for what we consider modern football. But more to the point, it was JOE who wanted to move towards a more athletic QB to run the offense, in accordance with the single wing. So for all the Joe it.


Now what we can really talk about is the Big 10 (11). I don't really get the hate towards the Big 10 (11). The only thing I can understand is that they get into big bowl games and suck. If that's the case don't get pissed off at the Big 10 (11) get pissed at the BCS because that's the system that put them there. If we want to talk about SEC vs. Big 10 (11) that's fine, but let's look at some bowl games. Sure in the past several years the Big 10 (11) isn't all Denise Milani, but let's look at some bowl games.

Capitol One Bowl since 2003: Big 10 (11) 4 wins SEC 2

Outback Bowl since 2003: Big 10 (11) 3 wins SEC 3

So spare me the "SEC is soooooooo much harder than the Big 10. I don't believe it. And if we really want to get technical, the Big 12 South is currently the toughest division in football. Now I'll admit, crazy shit happens in the SEC, but it also happens in other conferences. It's not that I'm ripping on the SEC because I still believe it's the best conference. However that's the inherent problem, we should be looking at the best TEAMS instead of listening to ESPN jack off the entire south every week. Again I question the SEC dominance simply because in a playoff system I question 1. Whether they could go into Ohio Pennsylvania and Michigan in December. 2. A certain team located in Southern California.

But alas, that is the world we live in, and until we leave that world the pissing match between conferences will continue.

Oh. Penn State. Yeah I'm expecting one loss, which shouldn't put them in the MNC in my opinion. But if they can go undefeated, and they can, most of you will be hating the world.

Edit: I think the Rose bowl game last year shows that USC has been deserving of a BCS championship the past several years and...PSU WILL NEVER GET OUT OF COVER 3, WHAT THE HELL. The other thing is that yes, the Big 10 (11) has declined and I have my own theories on why that happened and will continue if we want to go that route in the comment section.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Adventures of Dogus Balbay in America

Dogus Balbay is a point guard for the University of Texas. After playing well in the Turkish basketball league, he has come to the United States to better himself, and hopefully make more money. These are chronicles of the trials and tribulations of culture shock.


Dogus is on the verge of insanity. He must find some relief from the outside world. The last couple weeks, the world has become insane, and there is nothing Dogus can do about it.

At end of July, there is a party in Austin. It is called Fiji Island, but has nothing to do with actualy Fiji Island. Something completely different. As Dogus approaches the party, they are stopping everybody to look for their passports. Or birth certificates. Or whatever, Dogus doesn't know. Dogus just walks in with Dexter Pittman every time they want the birth certificate. They let Dexter in everywhere except the Mr. Gatti's buffet.

Once inside, there is nothing but Keystone Light and bad American music from the 1980s. Dogus laughs a hearty laugh. The Light Keystone is the worst kind. The 1980s music makes him laugh even harder. 1980s music is all they have in Turkey. There is lots of music in Austin, but none of the people at the party were born in the 1980s.

There are lots of footballers at the party. Dogus has not seen them in quite some time. "Hey Irby" he calls. Blaine Irby turns quickly, and crumples to the tarped and sandy floor in agony. Dogus sure hopes he wasn't responsible for that.

Anyways. Dogus starts talking to girls. Girls like Dogus. Girls like everybody at this party it seems, including each other. They ask Dogus where he's from. The girls don't know where Turkey is. They laugh when he say it. Dexter picks up twelve of them and leaves with Adam Ulatoski.

Dogus wakes up face down on a lawn amidst rubble. He looks up and realizes he is at Sergio Kindle's house. He sure hopes Sergio didn't drive home that night. Dogus just wants school to start. Anything to add order to this insane existence.

Caption Contest!

Favre: "Keep smiling, keep smiling, keep smiling... [under his breath] yo, lemme get $500 on Ronnie's pit. KEEP SMILING."


Both: "Good game."


Favre: "Did you know I used to play for the Falcons?"
Vick: "No way! What happened?"
Favre: "They threw me under the bus after one bad season."
Vick: "...Aw shit."

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Hey What's Up?

Hey what's up? I'm Peyton Manning.

You may have recognized me from the many commercials I'm in.

However, you may not know that I'm ALSO an NFL quarterback. But that's not important.

You're friendly writers from GRH have hired me to promote their first annual GRH fantasy football league.

Never played before? Don't worry it's no big deal.

Luckily for GRH Yahoo decided to come out of sucktown and provide free live scoring along with their user friendly format.


So here's what you do, go to yahoo and create a profile. You may have done this for the March Madness bracket, but it's always fun to create some random email address.

Anyway after that you go to fantasy football and punch in the vitals.

ID= 638653

If you're unfamiliar with the scoring, you can easily look over it once you log in for your team, however I think Icehouse put it best. "We reward everything awesome that happens on the field."

Don't worry about the draft date, we can figure that out as we get closer to the season.

What's in it for you? Well for the most part this is a fun league where team names and drafting favorite players will take precedent, however the winner will also receive a congratulatory post from one of us.

Either way it will be a great way to waste fall Sundays and totally kick ass!!!

You have to be kidding me

For real?

Here's the thing.

I never really liked Brett, always thought he was a good QB. I never really bought into the whole he plays for the love of the game schtick mainly because I realized that to play at that level with that commitment you REALLY need to love to play football with all the shit pro's go through. The shit talking with D-lineman? Well that's like saying the likes of T.O and Ochocinco are more competitive than the likes of say Isaac Bruce and Marvin Harrison.

But at the end of the day he was Brett Favre, and when I saw him play on a Monday Night game I was excited I could tell my kids that I saw hall of famer Brett Favre.

When he initially "retired" it was kind of surreal, almost let me know how old I was. Here I've seen this guy play literally his entire career, and now he's gone. Obviously I wasn't upset about it, but it was significant nonetheless.

When he tried to come back I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. "Hey maybe this guy just made a rash decision." But then I saw him trying to soil the Packers. A team he told he was done. I also heard about him having a separate locker room in NY, and really not reaching out to any teammates.

Now we come to this year. Favre/Vikings string everyone along, lying the entire way, only to have him end up in Minnesota.

Instead of talking about how Favre is a raging prima donna who really only cares about himself let's look at the qualities of this so called team player.

First. Who is he fooling? He knew the entire time he was going to play for the Vikings. His main concern for not playing was that he thought he couldn't play an entire season. So what happened in the past 3-4 weeks? Did your arm magically heal itself? Did you take some magical elixir? What happened? OHHHHH I know, training camp happened. So basically instead of trying to help your team by being present during major offensive installation and showing your teammates you actually care you decided to forgoe the rigors of camp and join the team when they are for all intents conducting in-season practices. Team player all the way Brett.

The other thing that irks me is how Tavaris Jackson and Sage Rosenfels were treated. Now this one is as much on the Vikings as it is on Favre. Once Favre gave his annual "I don't think I have it speech" Childress and the Vikings organization banked on T.J and Sage. They told them they would be competing for the starting job, and the right to become a franchise QB. But no, whatever went down it's clear that neither the Vikings or Favre had that in mind. I'm sure this happens all the time in all walks of life, but it doesn't make it any less shitty.

Now all of this said, are the Vikings a better team with Favre? Sure, Favre is still a great QB and the Vikings really are a team one player away from being a playoff contender, but they probably wont have what it takes in terms of chemistry to make it to the Super Bowl.

Look, I have zero problems with a guy still wanting to play football. God knows I would love to still play, but don't act like you're bigger than the game and try to create this bullshit soap opera with you as the main character. It's an insult to guys who actually gave everything they had to play at the highest level as long as they could.

So add more criticisms/praises in the comment section, but I still think it's shitty the way it went down.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Monday Morning Sh*t Storm

Mondays. I'm not even going to point out how much they suck, it goes with out saying. Why we even have the MMSS is to have an open thread that we can occupy ourselves with. However, one thing that can make Mondays OK is having an active and fulfilling social life on the weekends to counteract the shittiness of Mondays. Basically, for a happier Monday, one must party. PARTY.

Now athletes are young, rich, and make their money with their bodies. They also have something called an "offseason." It's like they lumped all their weekends into one giant one. Furthermore, there's only one team that can really say that they succeeded at their jobs. When they do, hooboy is it a party.

You see that? Big Papi is still at the office. He hasn't even really begun to party yet. So for today's Shit Storm, name one party or celebration that you always wanted to go to. They can be parties you know about, like the party where Ray Lewis stabbed people, or one that you just assume happened, like 'Terry Bradshaw's Super Bowl Victory Moonshineathon.'

My choice is the party that the NCAA football National Champion Texas Longhorns had at Matt McConaughey's Beverly Hills mansion. After winning the Rose Bowl, the entire Longhorns team went and had a rager at UT's most famous cheerleader's house. You KNOW that shit was off the chain. Ramonce Taylor was still there, Vince, the Griffin twins, Aaron Ross, Casey Studdard, and even Limas Sweed's crazy ass. It's at a house of the thrower of one of Austin's most infamous fiestas. So yeah. Party.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

CFB Preview

#7 Alabama

Offense: 4 Starters return, WR's Mike McCoy and Julio Jones. The O-Line returns Mike Johnson and Drew Davis, both seniors. As of right now JR Greg McElroy is slated to start at QB. and r-FR Star Jackson is #2. I mention this simply because of his name.

Defense: 9 starters return on a defense that gave up 13 ppg. Highlights include geological formation Terrence Cody, JR LB Rolando McClain (Led team in tackles) SO LB Dont'a Hightower and SR SS Justin Woodall (4 picks last year) and SR CB Javier Arenas.

Special Teams: Don't care.

Initial Thoughts: What better way to get over Darren Evans ACL than to talk about the team that they play in the highly anticipated opener!!!

First things first. I thought Alabama was going to have another mediocre season last year, and this year would be the one where they started making a move back to relevancy. Alabama-1 Lattimer-0. I like the schedule for this year. We all know about the opener against Tech, and we will talk more about that at another time, but I will say it is nice to see teams go out and schedule big non-conference games. Bama then opens up SEC competition when Arkansas comes to Tuscaloosa on Sep. 26. And let's face it, the SEC is the SEC. One thing Bama has going for them is that they don't play either Florida or Georgia from the East. The big games will be at Ole Miss, Tennessee and LSU at home, and the Iron Bowl in Auburn this year.

Now I've said it before, and I know I'll say it again, but you have to give Saban credit for knowing what he wants in a team. Bama is set up once again to run the ball on offense and stop the run on defense. Offensively, it seems that SO Mark Ingram will handle the bulk of the load but also look for true freshman Trent Richardson to be in the mix. The Tide is not that experienced at QB, but like I mentioned earlier Saban never really needs a world beater at QB, and it's not like they won't have targets to throw to. We all know about Julio, but Mike McCoy also returns, and I'm fairly certain that with Saban's recruiting there is some talent on the roster not listed at #1 at this point. As long as McElroy or Star have time they'll be ok. Which brings us to the O-Line. Bama has to replace three spots from one of the top O-lines last year. Two of those spots will be filled by upper classmen with Vlachos and Ross slated at center and guard respectively. Which brings us to the position Old Booker Pogue pointed me towards. The LT. As far as I can tell right now Juco transplant James Carpenter is running with the first team. However, things could change. There is also this Tyler Love guy who I can't figure out. He's a 5-star and took a medical redshirt last year. I'm assuming he's still getting over an injury, but someone could fill me in. Point is I think the O-line will be solid. Not dominant like last year, simply solid.

With the offense being what it is the unit that will have to be lights out is the defense, and they definitely have the capability to do that. Cody and McClain are first teamers on several All-American lists and the likes of Hightower, Woodall, and Arenas are no slouches. Also look for true frosh Dre Kirkpatrick to contribute. In short the defense is great, and they will need to show up every week because....

I actually think Alabama should repeat as the SEC west. The Tech game will be huge, but it doesn't necessarily eliminate MNC hopes for both teams I mean it would suck to lose, but all hope is not lost. It's redundant, but the SEC schedule will be huge. We'll know fairly early in the season who has the edge in the West, when Alabama travels to Oxford. I mentioned earlier that we'll have to wait and see how both teams play before big time predictions are made, but as of right now I'm giving the edge to Alabama. Main reason is that Ole Miss is getting so much hype that they won't be surprising anyone. Luckily they get LSU at home after a bye week, and I think LSU is going to be better than some people think, in fact they probably deserve their own post. Anyway, Tennessee will be better than last year, but not win in Tuscaloosa better. Shit also can get crazy in the Iron Bowl, but Auburn is in a giant funk. Regardless, we could see a situation like last year where Bama goes undefeated in SEC play, and with the way things shake out in that conference one SEC loss could also put them in the SEC championship for the right to play Tim Tebow. And...well....I think we all know what that means.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Caption Contest!

"What do we want?"
"A black quarterback!"
"When do we want it?"


"Screw dogfighting, we wants some HOGfighting!"


"Vick would be awesome on the DC United!"

Vick and the skins. Enjoy.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Peter Gammons' Soul Objects To Analysis Made By Peter Gammons' Rotting, Animated Corpse

BOSTON, Mass. - Citing a complete lack of tact, wit, and gamesmanship, the soul and former occupant of Peter Gammons' now dead and rotting corpse objected to the analysis made by the corpse following the series sweep of his beloved Red Sox at the hands of the New York Yankees over the weekend.

"He was talking crazy, saying something about how these games were going to mean something down the stretch," said a younger and healthier looking, glowing blue, and translucent figure that was an intangible representation of Gammons' soul. "These games likely won't mean anything come October. The Red Sox have dominated the series the entire season, save for this lone weekend.

"Whomever was working the strings on my body needs to be shot."

The corpse of Peter Gammons' objected on both the grounds that the sweep marks a falling off of the Sox in the wake of recent scandals and bad trades, as well as a lack of his daily dose of human brains upon which he regularly feasts.

"Look, with Big Papi down and out, the spirit -- no pun intended -- of this team may be six feet under, again, no pun intended," said Gammons', gaunt, lifeless and molding former body, mending a piece of his cheek that was falling off the yellowing bone, while gnawing on a fresh handful of medulla.

ESPN had no comment on the dispute, as is their policy when dealing with ghosts, poltergeists, demons, zombies or any other supernatural phenomenon. This policy arose after numerous allegations that angels were indeed playing in the outfield in Anaheim, Calif. in 1994.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Monday Morning S--t Storm

Alright today's storm is pretty simple.

We're always on the lookout for other sports sites that we may put into our reading rotation.

For the storm give us some other sports sites THAT WE MAY NOT KNOW ABOUT.

Mine is the Wizard of odds. It's for college football, has some decent articles, but it also has reporters notebook links, which takes you to the better newspaper stories around the country.

Here is the basketball version of the site.

Oh and lets keep it sports related (unless it's effing awesome) because I'm trying to avoid the guy who throws down some two girls/meatspin/lemon party type links.

Let's do it.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!!!

In honor of training camp we give you Chris Cooley.

Alright you jackals, the funbag is here, and it's 50% better than getting tea-bagged.

First off we have a crazy video involving a horse. I suggest you use Icehouse's strategy and watch it with the 300 soundtrack in the background.

I've read every post on our humble blog and today I was thinking..."You know what, we should make fun of Fox News more."

The Manly Sea Eagles will give you a bit of what for.

I still don't know what to think of this video. On one hand it's lame, but on the other hand it's quite impressive to babble on about KFC for seven minutes.

And finally we bring the sexiness back with GRH favorite, Shakira.

EFFFF Shakira you are such a tease, first your gyrate, belly dance, and howl at the moon. NOW WE CANT EVEN EMBEDD!!!!

Whatever the link is worth it.

Here's some Spoonman

Ok the Landsharks are cooling and Quoit's need to be pitched.

Let's get ours Hobbers.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

CFB Preview

#8 Virginia Polytechnic and State University

Initial Reaction: Blatant Homerism

Offense: Out of the 9 returning starters most people will focus on QB Tyrod Taylor, and Sophomore running back Darren Evans. However, I believe the strength is in the O-line who will be led by returning starters Blake DeChristopher, Ed Wang, and Sergio "I'm effing huge" Render. The WR corp is deep and has talent, but they are young, biggest returner in my mind is Danny Coale. Now on to a Lattimer favorite. Greg Boone will return at TE. At 6'3 287 Boone runs the coolest versions of the "Wild(Blank)" offenses. The "Wild Turkey" Drink up defenders because you're about to die.

Defense:Bud Foster. Tech returns 7 on defense. Players to note are CB Stephan Virgil, DE Jason Worilds, and FS Cam Chancellor, who may be the second safety taken off the board next April. They have to replace the two inside backer positions (coached by Foster) but look out for newcomer Jake Johnson. A Lattimer favorite is also returning in the form of Whip Linebacker Cody Grim, son of Russ Grimm, who is simply a good football player........But seriously, Bud Foster.

Special Teams: I would say some wise ass comment here, But Tech's punters and Kickers are known for squatting the house. Tech also blocks and returns many kicks. Success.

I'll say off the bat that as a Tech Fan I don't think this team is top 10 material. They may very well end up there at the end of the year, but the stars aren't aligning in my mind. Just too much hype, too young, and an offense that is typically the laughing stock of big time college football. That being said, lets get the offense rant out of the way.

Ever since the departure of OC Ricky Bustle, the Tech offense has been....well....shitty. After all these years I honestly don't know what it is. We get good talent, yet we seem to just suck all the time. I don't know if it's the playcalling, the offense itself, players taking offense suck pills, the water, voodoo magic. I just don't get it, but it frustrates me to no end. This has made my life as a fan excruciating for roughly the past 10 years. Hey top 25 team fans. Do you ever get to watch games where you just wreck shop on some inept team? Really you do? Not me, no every effing game has to be a "defensive struggle" shit, we didn't even beat Furman last year until the 4th quarter. FURMAN....For real? Look who plays for those guys. The next time I see a PAP on third and long I'm going to.....Whatever I'm over it, let's look at this year.

Ok the O-line is good...shitty at times, but definitely top 10 material, that's out of the way. Like I mentioned earlier the WR's are very young, and for some unknown reason Tech has tricked some very good receivers in the past several years to come to the bastion of offensive ineptitude known as Blacksburg. So they are good, but young. Another bright spot is the RB position. The top returner is So. Darren Evans who has the ability to go all hulkster on people (set VT single game rushing record) but if something happens they are the deepest they have ever been at RB since I can remember. Fellow So. Josh Oglesby, R-Fr Ryan Williams, newcomer David Wilson, and wily vet Kenny Lewis are all great players. And I do mean great. So what's left? OHHHHH the QB who if I'm not mistaken, passes the ball to other players. Sorry,must have forgoten, I haven't seen that since 2000. (Bryan Randall excluded....because I love him) So here we are with JR. Tyrod Taylor. He can run, which is nice, but he is also coached by Mike O'Cain, which is not so good. In order to save you several pages of ranting I'll simply say this. In order for Tech to win the ACC, and challenge for a MNC, T must play well.

Bud Foster is awesome. If you want to see a typical Tech game look at last year's Orange Bowl against Cincinnati. Offense comes out and drives the field first possession. Foster calls on the dark powers of the G front, and destroys them for the rest of the game. The nice thing is that Tech has some good players coming back. (Worilds/Chancellor) and they have also had nice recruiting classes in the past several years. The question isn't if the defense will be badass, but simply what level of facemelting will they perform. They also have a screw up at least once a year, let's just hope it happens against Duke.

Looking at the schedule, the big game is obviously the opener against Alabama. And I'd love nothing more than to beat them, but I don't think it will happen. The best we can hope for is Bama has QB growing pains/major brain fart. Tech usually plays well early, but the past several years have been horrible. Specifically against other SEC teams. The ACC is another matter. Nobody really knows what's going to happen in that crazy conference. Last year Tech won it, but they didn't really win it if you know what I mean. Sure Tech should be a lot better, but so will the ACC as a whole. Games that worry me (besides all of them) Alabama, Nebraska (thank god that is a home game) Miami,(who unfortunately will play at Tech early, avoiding the November weather) and GT. We also play another team in VA at the end of the year, but they are cake-eaters, like LAX, and serve wine and cheese at really, they do. So I don't consider them a "football team" on the schedule.

What are we looking at for Tech? If they pull something out of their ass going to the MNC is not out of the question. Worst case scenario is an 8-4 regular season. However, most likely we're looking at a 10-2 regular season, and once again playing the Big East champion in the Orange Bowl.


Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Caption Contest!

"Why can't my Mad Men avatar have a head tattoo?! This is bullshit!"




"I'm completely sick of Excel. I don't want the hundredths place to show up in this cell, but it keeps automatically changing it. I really and truly despise this program."

As per usual, we waited about a week after the story to kick someone. So here we go. Crazy picture for a crazy man. Enjoy.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Point/Counterpoint on Michael Oher biopic 'The Blind Side'

Stovall: The trailer for the new film The Blind Side has been released. It stars Sandra Bullock and a litany of other actors.

Icehouse: Based on the book by Michael Lewis of the same name, it appears to be some director's attempt to piggyback the next big thing, which is apparently anything Michael Lewis does (even though Moneyball just got axed).

Stovall: It's the compelling story of a large, socially offputting African-American boy and his struggles on the street. Just spitballing here, but I think he goes to Ole Miss, wrecks house, and gets drafted in the first round, now able to buy thousands and thousands of the beds he could never have afforded growing up.

Icehouse: The book begins with an explanation of the psyches of adults that grew up in unfortunate circumstance. This discussion is based on fears that these men probably did not encounter while devoid of a normal childhood. It then shifts to explain recent trend in the NFL landscape to value defensive ends, and therefore their counterparts, offensive tackles. Essentially, the tackle must counteract the end, thus protecting the quarterback's blindside. Get it? Football begets football in the book.

Apparently, The beginning of this movie is a platinum-bleached half-assed mom who won't clean up after her kids and can't cook for shit.

Stovall: It looks uplifting enough. Maybe not my cup of tea, but I'm pretty sure this might affect some people in a positive way, like Remember the Titans, or Lucas.

Icehouse: They used "How to save a life" by The Fray in their trailer. How lame can you possibly be? They waited for something to be so played out that it is featured on Scrubs, then wait three years, THEN puts it into their movie trailer.

Stovall: I'm not concerned with Sandra Bullock being the star of a film about football. She's a more than capable actress, and pretty easy on the eye's as well. Joan Rivers would be one thing, Meg Ryan even, but I have to think that the romantic interest of Speed could handle the wear and tear of the gridiron.

Icehouse: Bullock's character is a strong person in the book. A central character? Maybe. But this is about how NCAA recruiting has become a business of tracking in human flesh. The coaches see nothing but an enormous prototype that is light on his feet. The entire family (not just the mom, but the younger son and teenage daughter) get to learn Mike Oher's humanity in the process of the journey to stardom.

Stovall: It'll be interesting to see the racial complexities of such a story. Social stigmas being what they are, I think it could translate very well to numerous audiences.

Icehouse: This movie could be an exploration into the problems and inequalities making current conditions and 'stigmas' the way they are. It could bring people together. Instead I think I'm looking at "suburbanite woman's life becomes complete when she finally earns the respect of the country club." It makes me want to vomit.

Stovall: And plus, I love me some football crashes. They big time booms to ever tackle to make it seem harder. When I walked past Gridiron Gang, starring the Rock (want to make it very clear, I walked by, did not go in), it sounded like Pearl Harbor.

Icehouse: Oh, there's football in this movie? That's funny. I didn't notice. I DID see Sandra Bullock on a field surrounded by boys in football pads. HOW FUCKING INTENSE COULD THAT PRACTICE BE?!

Stovall: I'll be very interested to see this film.

Icehouse: I'm currently stockpiling fertilizer, and am planning on driving a Uhaul full of the stuff, fermented into bomb-quality, into the studio on the day of this piece of shit's release. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK YOU!

GRH Book Club

Those of you not familiar with Jim Dent may recognize his previous book, The Junction Boys, which chronicles the Texas A&M teams under Paul "Bear" Bryant. Dent is an excellent writer who used to cover the Cowboys and still resides in Texas, which is why it's no surprise that Twelve Mighty Orphans includes the mystique of Texas high school football.

Dent chronicles the Masonic Home, an orphanage in Fort Worth Texas that was funded by the Freemasons to provide for orphans of former Masons during the early to mid 20th century. Naturally, during the depression the home reached a peak in terms of students. The home was about as good as an orphanage could be during that era, but the students routinely lacked self esteem and continually hopped the fence in hopes of escaping. Enter Rusty Russell the head football coach. Russel entered the school in the late 20's and fielded one of the top teams in Texas football for roughly 15 years. What's more is that Russell achieved this fielding squads of 12-18 players. Those of you familiar may recognize some of their opponents. The Mighty Mites played the likes of Amarillo, Waco, And Highland Park (Matthew Stafford) High Schools. Furthermore, the Masonic Home played on the highest level of Texas football with a co-ed K-12 enrollment of 153 students.

Now, Dent is a great writer, but anybody could write a bestseller with this story. The first thing that I really enjoyed was the football aspect of it. The Mites achievements on the field are stunning considering the fact that they played with 135 pound guards who faced opposing tackles easily over 200. The other interesting fact is that Russell was not only a motivational coach, but also an excellent tactician. Russell, seeing that his team was outmatched, would throw the ball up to 40 times a game. Dent goes a little far crediting Russell with the creation of the spread offense. (For football elitism, it seems that Russell used a busted out single wing, utilizing short passes. As much as Dent talked about the innovative offense I really wish he would have included some diagrams)

To say that Dent does a great job with character development would be an understatement, and this is really the core of the book. Football aside, it's amazing to hear about what some of these boys and girls went through in order to end up at the home, and how they grew despite the odds against them. Whether going down to the water tower for the nightly fights, stealing grape juice, or feeling up the local city girls, Dent does an amazing job highlighting the personalities of various team members. It's really these side stories that makes the football side of the book so much better. It was also refreshing to see, despite the harsh discipline, that people at the Home truly cared about these kids and in some cases loved them like family. Another interesting note is that some of the players on the team went on to become great college/pro players. Specifically, Dewitt Coulter of Army and Giants fame, and Hardy Brown, known as the meanest man to ever play the game. But other than the orphans and the team, Dent does a good job on the characters that existed during depression era Texas. My personal favorite was "Two Guns" McCoy who was the self proclaimed handspring champion of Texas and dressed in full cowboy gear would sneak onto the field doing handsprings in the endzone after the Mites scored. Much to the dismay of local law enforcement. Essentially he was the forefather of this guy. (NSFWish)

At the end the book is also about how the Mighty Mites served as an inspiration to individuals affected by the depression not only in Texas, but the nation as a whole. Dent uses a fine analogy comparing the Mites to Seabiscuit and how the nation supported the two. Especially when the downtrodden team played Highland Park, which if I'm not mistaken was and still is one of the richest communities in the nation. I won't go into the ending because it is somewhat epic. Not The Junction Boys epic, but amazing nonetheless.

All in all, if you liked Hoosiers you'll love Twelve Mighty Orphans. It's essentially a cooler less Gene Hackmany version of the underdog story. It's in paperback, and if you really are into this type of stuff it's worth the 15 bones. If not you could wait for ESPN to make a half assed TV movie about it like the did for Junction Boys. Still pissed about that bullsh*t. Whatever, I'm over it.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Monday Morning S--t Storm

That video has little to do with the storm, but I'm not going to be the one that stops the sexiness that's been happening around here.

Alright this has been done thousands of times before, but I think it's our time.

Fantasy names.

Any league, any sport.

I'd like to see some of the best historical ones, maybe some newer idea, prototypes?

Either way it's an excuse for us to get funny and offensive.

My best all time is "Hanginwithbenoit." At the time it relevant, funny, and offensive. I was also a year too soon with "TheErinAndrewsExperience."

Alright get after it.