Wednesday, August 12, 2009
If your curiosity ever gets the better of you, and you find yourself searching for a group of gay men with acting skills on par with a 3rd grade production of RENT... look no further than Mexico's national soccer team. But be warned my curious friend, for this troop's complete disregard for sportsmanship, honor, and testicles is enough to make Paul Bunyan cry.
Jheri curls greased and headbands securely fastened, Mexico took to the field today on a mission to destroy the United States' chances of securing a place in the 2010 World Cup. As "The Star-Spangled Banner" played just before kick-off, the classy fans of Mexico honored their neighbors with boos and what were believed to be horns. It was determined later in the game that horns had been banned from the match, and that the sounds were in fact farts... thousands upon thousands of dirty, stinking bean farts. Already, it was obvious that this match would be one hell of a ride for our boys in red, white and blue.
The U.S. was off to a "super, thanks for asking" start, when Charlie Davies put the Bald Eagles ahead in the 9th minute. The lead was short-lived, however, as Isreal Macias Castro (mutant son of Ariel Sharon and Fidel Castro) netted a goal in the 19th minute... with his tail.
After a quick brush with El Chupacabra, the Americans pushed forward and managed to hold onto a draw at the half. During the break, a particular halftime commercial came across as, well, racist... maybe even more so than this post.
30 minutes into the second half, the U.S. and Mexico remained tied 1-1. It wasn't until the 81st minute that some no-name loser from Mexico scored. The goal wasn't even cool. In fact, the goal was so uncool that the dude's future would probably be better off if he hadn't scored. Anyway, the U.S. fought desperately in the final minutes to come back.
The high point of the game for the Mexican fans came during these closing minutes. As U.S. captain Landon Donovan prepared for a corner kick, the fans pelted him with kilos of cocaine and heroin. While in Mexican tradition this is considered a display of generosity, in America it's viewed as a federal crime. Needless to say, this shit didn't go over so well with the U.S. National Team. Instantly, Oguchi Onyewu and Tim 'Robocop' Howard began dismembering the Mexican team with their bare hands. In a panic, the large crowd attemped to disperse. Unwilling to let the criminal fans flee, Landon was forced to do the unthinkable... burn them alive. Running at full speed Landon jumped the barriers and did a bicycle kick into the stands, where he ignited a match and set 100,000 farts ablaze. The U.S. was awarded two goals for this act of awesomeness, and in turn won the game 3-2.
Posted by Clay and Mariya at 5:16 PM